31. Valentina

Chapter 31

Valentina

R onan comes home a couple hours later. He looks haggard and exhausted, and heads straight to the refrigerator to pour himself a drink. I watch him slug it back before he notices me waiting by the couch.

His eyes lock on mine. They hold me, and I’m tempted to get up and go to him. I want to touch his jaw and tell him everything will be okay. I want to kiss him, slowly, deep, and for a long time. I want to make him feel better, but I know that would only put off the real difficult conversation we need to have.

My father taught me a lot growing up. One of his main lessons was don’t put off difficult conversations. Don’t let wounds fester. Deal with shit now, and deal with it seriously. Don’t hide, don’t run, stand up and handle business.

“I should move out.” I decide to jump straight into it. I know it’s basically dropping more stress on him during an already stressful time, but we can’t keep going on like this.

“Seamus will be dealt with. The cousins understand.” He stares at me, face impassive. I hate it so much. I want emotion from him—but that’s just selfish of me. He’s dealing with a lot right now and maybe he doesn’t have the energy for a big display, and it’s not like I’d deserve it even if he did.

“Ronan, everyone saw you choose me over someone in your own family. You know that’s bad.”

His eyebrows narrow only slightly. “Everyone saw one of my men shove over a woman.”

“Come on, that’s not how they’ll interpret it. I’ve been the enemy for a while already, and when the Matteo job went bad earlier tonight, they all blame me for it.”

“No, not everyone.”

“Don’t lie to me. I’m not blind.”

He comes toward me. Only a few steps, but there’s a menace in him. My arrogant, cocky Ronan, with his smirks and his jokes, he’s gone right now, replaced by Ronan the boss of his dangerous criminal organization. A thrill runs into my core, and I’ve never been more attracted to him before, but I also know that doesn’t matter. It’s selfish to want him right now. Even if I do.

“Some of the cousins blame you. But the ones who matter know what happened, and there’s a lot of talk about how Julien’s group even found out about our plans. Yes, some of them blame you, but that’s only secondary to the real problem. Someone talked.”

Anger plays across his expression. His lips tighten. His eyes narrow. I want to get up and go to him, put my hands on his chest, feel his heartbeat, kiss him and try to comfort him, but that won’t help. That’s a short-term solution, and I have to think about the future now.

“You’re right, someone talked, but why would someone betray your family like that? Because they’re unhappy, and I’m a big reason.”

“They were unhappy before you, love. I brought you in because of your skills, and you haven’t disappointed.”

“Except for tonight.”

“No.” His voice is firm and commanding. “Tonight was not your fault. The plan was perfect. I was there. If it hadn’t been for Julien’s surprise, it would’ve gone down exactly like you said it would.”

I want to hold onto that. He’s probably right—I never could’ve foreseen Julien getting involved in this job—but it doesn’t matter, not really. He’s thinking about how to salvage this loss, and I’m thinking about the long-term cohesion of his entire family.

“I should still move out.” I stand up from the couch and move around it. “More people are going to find out that I’ve been staying with you eventually. You can’t hide it forever. When they realize, what do you think they’ll say? You’ve been lying to them, hiding your relationship with me. It’ll confirm all their worst suspicions.”

“Which are what?” he asks, tone carefully under control.

“That we’re sleeping together.”

“We are.” He steps forward. “And what’s wrong with that?”

“I’m Italian. I’m the daughter of a former crime boss. I’m a disgraced nobody. You should be with a nice Irish girl, someone that’ll help your family instead of dragging you down with a bunch of baggage.”

“I don’t want that.”

“You’re the boss. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you want.”

He steps toward me again. I back away, heart racing, hands clammy. I hate this, hate it so much, but I’m doing the hard thing for him.

“I’ve given everything to the family,” he says, calm and measured. “I will keep giving everything until my dying breath. But I will not let stupid prejudices dictate who I sleep with.”

“Everything’s just too volatile. Maybe we can keep working together, but if I’m here?—”

“No, love. I’m not letting you go.”

“Ronan.” I move toward the door. “We don’t have to make this a big deal.”

“You blame yourself for what happened.” He follows after me, but at a distance. “You blame yourself for the faults in my family. Maybe you’ve been blaming yourself ever since your father died, but I’m not going to feed into that delusion. It isn’t your fault, Valentina. None of it is your fault. None of it ever was.”

I stare at him. My pulse hammers in my chest. Tears lodge in my throat. I hate him for saying that, and I hate that he’s right. I’ve been mourning my father’s loss, and a part of me always thought it should’ve been me killed instead of him, but that makes no sense. I was always just his daughter, just a girl on the periphery —he was the Don, the powerful Santoro Don, and he understood the risks he was taking.

I still hate that I’m here while everything I ever loved has fallen to pieces.

“I can’t let it happen to you. I lost my family, but I refuse to be the reason this one falls apart too.”

He stares at me, and all at once, he seems to calm down. His shoulders relax and his jaw softens, and his eyes take on that amused sparkle they normally have. It breaks my stinking heart to see his smirk return.

“All right, love, you do what you have to do.”

My mouth opens to argue—but I stop myself. “Really?”

“Sure, love, if that’s what you want, but I’m still not going to let you go.”

“Ronan—”

“Julien’s still out there. He obviously hasn’t let it go yet, and your apartment’s more dangerous than ever. You’re stuck with me.”

“I’ll go sleep on Rocco’s couch.”

He laughs. I can’t help but smile back. It kills me, hearing him laugh.

“Don’t make me have to kill that poor bastard.” He runs a hand through his hair and stretches his neck. “No, you’re not going anywhere. There’s still another Capo we have to deal with, remember?”

“I think we’re past that.”

“No, love, the deal still stands. We need a big win to make my boys happy. You don’t want my family to fall apart? Then uphold your end of the bargain. Don’t break your word.”

I stare at him. A spark of anger breaks through my stomach. I know what he’s doing, and it still pisses me off. “I’m trying to help.”

“Nah, love, you’re running away as soon as things get hard, but I still need that beautiful brain of yours. The Matteo job was a setback, but in some ways, it’s a good one. We’ll find out who talked, and we’ll handle him. And then you and me will show the whole family that we’re a good fucking team.”

I want to believe him. I desperately want that to happen.

I’m just not convinced it’s the right way forward.

“I’m going to sleep in the guest room tonight. In the morning, I’ll figure out where I’m going.”

“You can try, but I already said you aren’t going anywhere.”

I know this argument isn’t going to resolve itself tonight. I wish he could see this from my perspective—I watched one family implode already, and I can’t handle it happening again.

My bed is cold and empty, and I don’t know when I’ll ever get to sleep again without his arms around me, but if being alone means the Hayes don’t suffer the way the Santoros did, then I’ll move on from this hole in my heart.