Friday, July 15, 1994

Friday, July 15, 1994

12:33 p.m.

Ragesh sits on a log in the woods behind Johnny Chen's house, wondering if today will be the day he finally smokes his first joint. He's had it for more than a year, kept in an Altoids tin stuffed in a back corner of his underwear drawer. He's lost count of the number of times he's entered this forest, come to the same downed tree where he and Johnny used to sit together, and pulled out the joint, prepared to smoke and toke. Yet he never gets the nerve to actually do it. Johnny gave him the joint, after he switched to stronger stuff a few months before he died, and Ragesh is afraid that once it's smoked, it'll be official.

His best friend is gone.

And never coming back.

Ragesh knows that already. He's not a fucking idiot. But he also knows that if he keeps the joint tucked in that Altoids tin, in some ways it'll feel like Johnny never left.

He jabs the joint between his lips, the twist of paper now brittle from the dozen or so prior times he's done it, and thinks about what to do next. He knows what Johnny's answer would be. Smoke 'em if you got 'em, bro, he'd say in that exhausted way Ragesh knew came from being the older son of strict parents who demanded perfection. Straight A's, star student, extracurriculars out the ass so you'd look well-rounded enough to get into Harvard or Yale. (Not Princeton, though. When you live a stone's throw from an Ivy, attending it feels like going to your local community college.)

Ragesh doesn't face such pressure. His older sister, Rani, took care of all that for him. Miss Perfect is currently at Oxford, enjoying the first year of her Rhodes Scholarship. Since his parents have zero expectations for him, Ragesh can spend the summer doing nothing, like he always does. It's why he's never felt the urge to get messed up the way Johnny did. A couple of stolen beers are all he needs to have a good time. Not Johnny, though. He always seemed lost in himself, haunted by something. For him it wasn't just about having a good time. It was about escape.

"You're seriously not curious what it feels like?" he once asked as the two of them sat on this very log, Ragesh sipping a lukewarm Zima and Johnny smoking weed. Before Ragesh could answer, Johnny said, "I wanna show you."

"I'm good."

"Please," Johnny said. "Just a taste."

Relenting, Ragesh waited to be passed the joint. "Open your mouth," Johnny told him before inhaling. He did, letting out a grunt of surprise when Johnny leaned in and placed his parted lips against Ragesh's. Once the smoke passed from one mouth to the other, Johnny remained there, kissing him.

Panic rang through Ragesh's brain, slicing through his Zima buzz and whatever high the pot was providing. He didn't know what to do because he wasn't quite sure what was happening. Was Johnny kissing him for real? Was it a joke?

Ragesh didn't freak out until Johnny reached up and started running a hand through his buzz cut. That's when he knew his friend wasn't just dicking around. He was truly, seriously kissing him.

"What the fuck, dude?" Ragesh yelped as he leapt from the log and stood a good ten paces away.

The look in Johnny's eyes went from dazed to devastated in half a second. "I didn't mean it," he said. "It's the weed."

Ragesh told him it was cool. That he shouldn't worry about it. But things weren't the same after that, even though both of them pretended they were. Six months later, Johnny was dead, and the only thing Ragesh has left of him is this stupid joint, which probably isn't even any good anymore.

If Johnny were there right now, Ragesh would tell him that he hadn't meant to freak out, that it was okay if he was into guys or whatever, that he even kind of liked the kiss, even though he's pretty sure he's not into guys. Most of all, Ragesh would ask Johnny if the overdose was intentional and if it had anything to do with his reaction that day.

But Johnny isn't there, and all Ragesh can do is whisper "Smoke 'em if you got 'em, bro" before pulling out his lighter and flicking the flame to life.

Just as he's about to place the fire to the joint's tip, Ragesh hears voices echoing through the trees. Three of them, from the sound of it. Ones he knows well. Sure enough, Johnny's brother, Russ, appears in the distance, ahead of the Marsh kid and behind the older of the Barringer nerds.

Ragesh pockets the joint and the lighter. Not because he's worried the boys will narc on him. They wouldn't dare. But he also doesn't want to remind Russ that his big brother was a pothead before moving on to the stuff that would soon kill him.

By the time the boys spot him, Ragesh is standing on the log, knowing how tall it makes him appear. Towering over them, he enjoys the nervous way they look when he says, "What are you losers up to?"

"Nothing," says the Marsh kid, whose name he can never remember even though they live across the cul-de-sac from each other.

"And we're not losers," says Russ, who knows he can talk back to Ragesh because of the Johnny connection.

Only the Barringer kid, Billy—that name Ragesh can remember—gives what amounts to a real answer. "We're exploring," he says with such innocent pride that it makes the Marsh boy cringe a little.

Ragesh hops down from the log and sneers. He doesn't really know why. They're just kids, doing stupid kid things. He and Johnny marched through the woods doing the same thing when they were that age. But even as he decides to let them pass, he can't keep himself from saying, "There's nothing to explore here, dipshit."

A voice cuts through the forest. The voice of a girl. One older than the boys.

"Leave him alone, asshole."

Ragesh sees Ashley Wallace marching his way, looking like she wants to deck him. He lifts his hands in innocence. "I was just having some fun."

"You were picking on a kid, which is, like, so pathetic." Ashley turns to the boys and says, "I told your mom I'd keep an eye on you, Ethan."

Ragesh slaps his thigh. Ethan. Of course. He can't believe he forgot that. Yet he notices the wounded way the kid talks.

"So you're still my babysitter?"

"For today, yeah." Ashley's shoulders rise and fall. "I guess."

"We're exploring," Billy announces.

Ashley shoots Ragesh a mean look and says, "So I've heard. Lead the way."

The four of them continue pushing through the woods, and Ragesh, having nothing better to do, goes with them. He checks out Ashley as she walks, taking in her long legs in her too-short shorts and how her shirt sometimes rides up to give glimpses of her tanned lower back. Looking at her, he wants to feel desire. Or even just basic PG-rated attraction. But as usual, he can only think about the way Johnny's lips felt against his and how part of him wanted to kiss back and how now that will never, ever happen.

Ragesh sidles up to Ashley, scratching the back of his head, not because it itches, but because he knows it makes his bicep look bigger and hopes Ashley notices that fact.

She does, and it looks like she's impressed.

"There's a party tonight at Brent Miller's house," he says.

"I know."

"You wanna go?"

"Like, together?" Ashley says before grimacing, like she's completely incapable of hiding her disgust.

"Forget it." Ragesh pauses before reversing course. "Actually, no. Do you not want to go with me because of what I said to Billy back there?"

"Partly, yeah. Picking on kids half your age doesn't make you cool, Patel. It makes you pathetic."

Even as Ashley's words make him wince, Ragesh can't help but ask, "What's the other part? Is it because of the thing in the woods?"

He hates to bring it up, mostly because it's totally humiliating, even weeks later. But he hates the idea of Ashley being repulsed by him even more. He knows it's fucked up, but he needs her to like him, because if she does, then maybe he'll be able to like her back and not feel so…Well, he doesn't know how he feels. All he knows is that he hates it.

"Behind your house," he adds when Ashley doesn't answer.

"I know what you mean," she snaps. "And yes, that's part of it. Can you blame me? You were spying on me—"

"I wasn't. I swear."

"Probably jerking off."

"That definitely wasn't what was happening," Ragesh says.

"Then what were you doing?"

Thinking. That's what Ragesh was doing. Standing in the woods thinking about Johnny and how he'd fucked things up between them so much that he suspects Johnny decided to kill himself. But he can't tell Ashley that. He can't tell anyone.

"Nothing," Ragesh says. "Just clearing my head."

Ashley snorts, clearly not believing him. "Sure. Right."

Ragesh looks away, more humiliated than he thought he'd be and regretting every decision he's made in the past ten minutes. He should have just let these twerps keep walking, lit his joint, and let all his bad thoughts fade into nothingness. Instead, he's here, marching through the woods with three boys and a girl who hates him, going God knows where. Checking his surroundings, he realizes they're deep into the forest now. Even though he's certain he's been this far before, nothing looks familiar.

"Where the hell are we?"

"I don't know," Ashley says with a sigh. "Hey, Billy, since you seem to be guiding us here, how far are we going, exactly?"

Up ahead, Billy says, "Another mile."

"Uh, why?"

They've reached a clearing in the woods, the trees giving way to a narrow strip of land before rising again on the other side. Billy turns around to answer, backing into the clearing as he does so.

"Because that's—"

Ragesh hears the car before he sees it. A loud bleat of a horn, followed by the screech of tires skidding to a stop along the blacktop. That's the moment he realizes the clearing is actually a road cutting through the forest.

And that Billy had almost backed right onto it as he was talking.

And that the car—a Ford something or other with a startled driver behind the wheel—had just barely missed him.