Chapter 36
I look over the map, from the expanse of Roison to Kenta at the center of the landmass and then to Maile in the north, mountains bordering the territory. Further left, smaller but not by much, is Streau territory. I follow the span of ocean south to the islands dotting the coast, sliding the hilt of my dagger to where Alaha is marked, a lone pinprick of green with a wooden tree to identify it.
Acker strides through the open door of the tent, steps laden. He unbuckles the strap across his chest and hangs it from the post. "You should eat," he says, sitting in the chair across from the table. He begins to unlace his boots but seems to exhaust himself of it, leaving them untied as he settles into the seat.
After handling Messer, he left to help his commanders get men ready to move along the now open expanse of border. I don't know how he's made it this far after the day we've had. Morning is no more than a couple hours away.
"It's yours," I tell him, pushing the bowl of leftover gruel and carrots toward him.
He eyes the cold meal but doesn't make a move for it. "I see you've found your blade."
I hold the weapon up in the light, inspecting the point. "A boy brought it to me. Said he sharpened and polished it according to your orders. "
The flicker of the lantern casts an orange glow over his features, somehow making him all the more enticing and dangerous in appearance. "He's not a soldier, if that's what you're assuming," he says. "He's a squire. Orphaned, most likely. However, some families send their sons as aid. It alleviates the cost of feeding them and the boys get a small wage to send home."
"Do they join the army when they come of age?"
"Most, yes." With an elbow braced on the arm of the chair, he props his temple against a closed fist, like the act of holding his head up is too great a burden to bear. "Perhaps this is a conversation to be had with Hallis. He'd be able to give you a better perspective of squirehood than I."
"He was a squire?"
"He was."
Interesting considering Acker's recollection of their first battle together and how poorly it ended. I wonder where on Hallis he wears his mark of victory.
"How did a poor boy and a prince become friends?" I say, rounding the table to get closer. "He is who you followed into the army, is he not?"
Acker's features tighten, his impossibly dark eyes holding mine. Fatigue lines every stitch of his body. "It's a story for another day, preferably after a good night's sleep."
But there are so many questions I need answers to. Messer's state of being, left unhealed to stop him from shifting. Then Beau's gift, a sight of some kind. Similar to Vad's, but not as invasive and assaulting. Acker's forced branding as a reliability measure. None of which was imparted to me. He walked me into a situation I was lacking in. It feels like a recurring theme with him .
Sensing my dissatisfaction, he speaks. "Say it."
I inspect the distance between our current position on the map and the sword marking the capitol. "How far are we from the palace?"
There's a stretch of silence. He knows it wasn't my original question, but he lets it go. "Three days if weather permits," he says.
We're in Kenta. We're safe. I should be grateful for small mercies.
I eye the cots on either side of the table. "Is there a bed you prefer?" I say, pulling my hair free of its braid. "The one closest to the door, I presume." I stop finger-combing the ends of my hair when I see the look on his face. "What?"
His eyes soften. "I've had accommodations set up for you," he says.
It takes a moment, but my cheeks flame pink as the mortification sets in. "I assumed…" …we'd stay together.
His gaze is apologetic as he takes in my scorched face. "It wouldn't be appropriate," he says.
My eyes dart to the open door of the tent and the soldiers stationed outside, partially to check for any witnesses to my humiliation as well as in realization of why the doors were tied back when we returned.
"Of course," I say as I finish combing through my hair.
It's happening as I predicted. Acker holds no ties to me. I don't know why I'm surprised. I guess, for a moment there in the woods…I thought…
I'm so dumb .
I can't miss the look of contrition on his face, and it tells me everything I need to know; this infatuation I have for him is one-sided .
I slide my dagger into the back of my waistband and avoid his gaze as I navigate around his chair. "I'll let you rest."
He reaches out and grabs me by the wrist, pulling me onto his lap before I'm able to comprehend what's happening. I steady myself with a hand on the back of the chair to stop myself from plastering my body across the front of him.
"Once we're at the palace," he says, eyes darting between mine as he stares up at me, chin tilted at the perfect angle for me to watch the bob of his throat when he swallows. "I will sleep wherever you want me to. Whether it's on the floor or in the dirt or in your bed, I'll be there if you want me."
I suck in a breath, heart pounding at the mere mention of us sharing a bed. It sends a wave of heat through my body. An image of us tangled under bedding flares inside my mind, a place in my head where I no longer have to fight the desire to be near him like I have from the moment I came to after my awakening, where I can allow the growing desire to have his skin against mine without the addled shame that always follows right behind.
Acker's eyes widen, nostrils flaring as he clenches his teeth. I watch from his perspective as he cups the nape of my neck and brings my mouth down to meet his.
No —not a real kiss, but his longing for one, a fantasy I've peeked into.
I jerk back, unsteady as I get to my feet.
"Jovie." He sits forward in a bid to stop me from retreating, but I step out of his reach.
"What was that?" I say, palm covering my mouth.
Acker's shock mirrors my own. "What did you see? "
I pull my hand away and look at my fingers, as if I'll find the evidence of a kiss that didn't happen there. "You kissed me, but—"
My heart stops, blood stilling in my veins. Turning away, I snatch one of the blades from the sash Acker hung up. He says my name, but I ignore him as I hold the metal close to the lamplight, inspecting my reflection in the sliver of shiny metal.
My eyes—not the gray I've stared at for all my life, but a murky color. Hazel with variations of green and gold depending on the angle I tip the dagger in, letting the light shift and reflect off my iris.
…like every color of every season.
Gasping, I drop the blade.
He says my name, voice deep and demanding my attention. Jovie. He takes a small, measured step toward me. Cautious, like I'm a wild animal who will dart at the first sign of danger…
"You've known all this time," I accuse, spinning on him. "That's why I can see into your mind and no one else's."
It wasn't a question, but he nods anyway. "Yes."
Horror replaces my blood with ice. "Can you see inside mine too?"
He doesn't reply, but the answer is clear as day in his eyes.
"Oh my gods." I try and fail to recall every thought I've had about him for the weeks we've been together.
"It's not as easy for me. To see inside your head," he clarifies, eyes imploring mine. "Your mind is strong. Aside from a moment ago, I've only been able to see inside when you're drawing."
I can't dwell on what he saw a moment ago, knowing it contained a vision of us with nothing but skin between us.
"I think…" He hesitates before deciding to continue. "I think that's when your mind is the most free."
The last time I sketched anything was back in Alaha, the day after I cried myself to sleep. I spent the morning in bed, inspecting my journals, my diaries over the years, documented in sketch form. He knew and hid it from me.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't know how you'd take it, given what you went through with Kai. I thought it might be better for you to feel it after your awakening."
I shake my head. "Feel what?"
He watches me with rapt intention when he says, "The tether."
Like a bolt of awareness spearing through me, I know in an instant what he's referring to. The pull I've felt since the morning I awoke in the bedroom at Kai's. The relentless desire to be near him, to touch him. Like a strand drawn taut with tension between us.
I shake my head. There are too many thoughts and not enough time to sort through them, not with Acker's presence drawing me in like a moth to a flame.
"I need to think."
It's an obvious statement to make, but he understands, receding back a step. He sits on the arm of the chair, disappointment clouding his features before he's able to tuck it away.
He calls for one of the guards from outside. "Please escort Princess Jovinnia to her billet," he instructs the soldier, tone solid and steady.
It's careful and put on, like he's protecting himself from me. I can't differentiate if it's the tether that reveals that to me or if it's because I've grown to know him well enough to see past the facade he sometimes wears.
As I follow the soldier out, Acker nods at me. "Good night, Jovie."