Chapter 20

Connor

Right about now I was ready to find a time machine, go back to when I was a teenager, and kick my own arse, because as Kendall came to stand beside me, I could see it. Finn and me against Gage and Van was our usual pairing, but it wasn’t hard to imagine how our kitchen battles might’ve gone if we weren’t forced to keep Kendall on the outer all the time. I heard her low chuckles each time she hit the mark, felt her dancing away when the others tried to get her back. Instead, I threw myself in front of her, protecting her, rather than subjecting her to our relentless onslaught, the way we had when she dared to try and join our games.

We treated her like an equal participant rather than an annoyance.

“You know you don’t have to protect me.” That was pushed through gritted teeth as she flicked and flicked, barely dodging out of the way to avoid the others’ strikes.

“What if I want to?”

I shouldn’t have been saying shit like this. Turning around and letting the guys’ blows rain down on my shoulders while I confronted Kendall was also really fucking stupid. I’d completely lost my chill when she sat down to dinner with us, my memories of the way it’d been in her home around their dining table an unwelcome fifth wheel.

But I couldn’t help it.

Our house was the biggest on the street we had all grown up on. Dad’s firm built the whole estate, unconsciously creating a kind of manor home, with the ‘plebs’ arranged around us, but all the wealth he managed to generate didn’t create this.

A kind of family.

We all knew each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We had a shared history that came from showing up for each other day after day, and despite our best efforts, Kendall was well and truly a part of that. When I sat at her family’s dinner table, I promised myself one day I’d have something similar. That I’d sit at the head, like Kendall’s dad, and she would take her mother’s place. We’d have the same chaos, the same mess, the same complete and utter dysfunction, and we’d be a family.

“Are you having an aneurysm?” Kendall now asked me, peering exaggeratedly at my face before snapping me with her tea towel.

“Hey, I’m on your side!” I yelped.

“I’m the only one on my side.” She said that with a slow grin, shuffling back and dropping low, ready to take the lot of us on, when her phone rang. The others went to surge forward and exploit this moment of weakness, but I stepped in, somehow knowing I wouldn’t like whoever was on the other end of the line.

“Hello?” She waved her hand furiously at Van and Gage, warding them off, but she needn’t. I held my hands out, ready to keep them back. “Oh yeah, hi. Yep, I’m definitely still interested in the room.” I was feeling so damn good moments ago, so why was my heart dropping through the floor now? “It’s still available? Yeah, that would be amazing.”

The others finally realised who she was talking to, dropping the tea towels on the bench and going quiet as she completed her conversation.

“This weekend? Yeah, I can do that. I’ll be there bright and early. Thanks for calling me back!” Her cheeks were still flushed, and she was smiling when she turned around, but we weren’t. Kendall slowly seemed to realise that, blinking as she took us in. “Looks like there’s a possibility I could be out of your hair by the weekend. There’s a place that has a room to rent a bit closer to work.”

But that didn’t matter. If she hated the commute, we’d drive her every morning, or find her another job, a better one closer to us. Or fuck, we’d buy her a bakery and she could set it up anywhere she liked. We’d fit it out so it looked amazing and—

“You know you don’t have to go anywhere.”

I said that with a calm I didn’t feel, stuffing down the fucking chaos raging in my heart.

“Have to?” She shrugged. “Maybe not, but if this is already causing issues with Finn… This was only ever a temporary fix. You’ll have your house back to yourselves and…”

It’d feel so empty. I didn’t say that, couldn’t hear what else she said, just watched her hang her tea towel neatly on the over door handle and then walk away, taking my heart with her.

Fuck.

Gage said something to that effect, but before I could turn to them and start the necessary brainstorming it would take to find a way to keep Kendall here, Van’s alarm went off.

“Shit, footy training.” We all played in a social league as a means to stay active and socialise, but I’d rather eat a shit sandwich than go to training right now. “C’mon, we better go.”

“I don’t want—” I started to say.

“People have been dropping out and letting Phil down.”

The poor guy volunteered to be our coach, doing this in his retirement from coaching professional teams. We were damn lucky to have him, but other players didn’t always show it. I knew he was about ready to find another team to coach, a more committed one, so I shook my head.

“Fine.” I stared at each one of them. “But when we get back, we talk this out.” My focus shifted, searching the hall for signs of Kendall, but not finding them. By the sounds coming from her room, she was locked up in there again, away from us. “We have to have this out with her, let her know what we’re feeling. Even if she says she’s not interested…”

This was where I said noble shit about letting her go, wishing her well, if that was what she wanted.

But I didn’t.

My hands ached from holding them back from grabbing onto her and pulling her close. So close she’d never get free of me. I needed to be inside her, not just her body, but her mind, her heart.

“She has to know.” Gage and Van nodded then. “When she walks out that door, she needs to know what she’s leaving behind. I can’t…” My voice broke then, but I forged on. “I can’t keep holding this back anymore.”

“Me too.” Gage’s hand clapped down on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

“Fuck, we’re all feeling the same way, so yeah, we’ve gotta tell her,” Van agreed. “I usually wanna throw my guts up after training, so I’ll be in perfect form for confessing my love for a woman.”

“Love?” I phrased that as a question—not because I doubted how he felt, but because I needed to know they felt the same way. If I was in hell, I needed other people with me, and who better than my best mates?

“Love.” Gage nodded slowly. “What else would you call it? I feel like someone’s sticking a knife in my guts and twisting every time I see her, and all I want to do is shove the blade deeper.”

I smiled despite myself.

“Yeah, that sounds about right. All right, footy first, then we tell Kendall. You two get ready, I’ll let her know we’re going out, see if she’ll be here when we get back.”

Walking up the hallway towards Kendall’s door happened almost in a dream state. I’d fantasised enough times as a teenager for it to feel unreal, but I knocked sharply on the door despite that feeling. She opened it a crack, staring out at me, and I saw her put a bag of something behind her back, but that didn’t matter.

Just this.

“We’ve gotta head out,” I told her, trying to sound casual and no doubt failing. “Training’s on.”

“Oh, right.” She nodded sharply. “Well, have fun.”

“Keep the front door locked while we’re out, and if you decide to go somewhere, take the van.”

“I’m not going anywhere tonight.” Her words were music to my ears. “I’ve gotta sort out what I want to unpack and what needs to stay in boxes, and then I’ll try and get an early night.”

“Right, well, if you’re up when we get home, I wouldn’t mind having a quick chat.”

My weight shifted from one leg then to another, like I was getting ready to sprint across the footy field, not talk to a girl.

“Sure.” She shrugged. “If I’m up.”

She shut the door then with a gentle click, and I just stared at the smooth surface, seeing but not seeing the brushstrokes there. My hand went out, wanting to stroke across the painted timber, but a bark from Van stopped me.

“You ready?”

No, no I wasn’t, because what felt like a life full of longing was about to come to an end. We’d tell Kendall how we felt about her, and then we’d know if she wanted to try and build something with us or…

End our hopes forever.

I jerked away from the door and down the hall to throw on my footy gear. Running until I puked, doing push ups until my legs gave out, yeah, that was just what the doctor ordered, because when I was hollowed out with exhaustion, then I’d be able to face Kendall. I wouldn’t be able to run from her rejection, or her acceptance.

“I’m ready,” I told Van as I walked out of my bedroom door, then glanced down the hallway. “I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”