Chapter 12

Ryder

My teammates jostle behind me as I push through the door of Sand Dunes Bar it's hurried. The door swings shut behind me, and the cold reality outside tries to clear my head. It's a futile attempt.

"Fuck!" I mumble probably loud enough for people in the parking lot to think I’m crazy. My hands jam into the pockets of my jacket as I make my way to the Jeep.

It's like I'm walking away from what I thought would be something great with someone, each step heavier with the weight of what I'm not dealing with. Jayden's distance. My own denial. The fact that avoidance seems like the best damn option at this point because what else is there? Confrontation? Heart-to-heart? Not exactly my style.

I climb inside my Jeep and let out a long breath, trying to shake off the feeling of dread that's settled in my chest. Maybe it's time to face some hard truths, but not tonight. Tonight, I've got 'stuff' to do, whatever the hell that means.

I navigate the dark, winding road back to my place. The dashboard glows a soft blue. I'm halfway home when my phone buzzes in the cup holder, shattering the silence. The screen shines Jimmy's name and hit the speaker button.

"Raines! Where the hell you been, man? You've missed the last three MMB parties," Jimmy's voice booms through the speakers, laced with concern.

"Been busy," I reply.

"Too busy for a night of fun? That's not what you signed up for with our services," he reminds me.

"Things change," I say, the words tasting like stale beer on my tongue.

"Sure they do. Come on, you paid good money for this. The next party is this Friday. You're in, right?" He keeps pushes.

I don't answer immediately, my mind drifting to Jayden. Could she handle my needs, the darker cravings that Match Me Bunny catered to so well? Was that the chill in her touch, the frost in her voice—a fear of what I might ask of her?

"Ryder?" Jimmy prompts, and I realize I've been silent too long.

"Maybe," I hedge, knowing full well I won't go. Not this time. Maybe not ever again if it means losing Jayden completely.

"Alright, bro. I'll put you down as a maybe. Don't be a stranger, though, alright?"

"Alright," I echo, but the word feels hollow.

We hang up, and the quiet returns, now a suffocating blanket rather than a comforting embrace. My grip tightens on the steering wheel. Loneliness gnaws at me, and the thought that maybe I'm too much for Jayden—or not enough—whispers through the cabin like a ghost.

I turn off the main road, and the Jeep rolls into my driveway. I wonder if Jayden could ever truly accept what lies beneath the surface of Ryder Raines.

With a push of the ignition button, the engine stops, and I kill the headlights. My phone glows in the cup holder, and Jimmy's question echoes in my head—why no parties? The truth is, every beat of my heart spells out Jayden's name, but it seems she's scrubbing herself from my life, letter by letter.

I lean back in my seat. It would be easy to slip back into the circuit, find a warm body at one of Match Me Bunny's decadent soirees. Someone who might not flinch at my desires, who could provide a temporary plaster over this ache of rejection. Yet the thought of even touching another, it twists in my gut like a betrayal.

Loneliness has been a familiar roommate for years, slipping into bed beside me, cold and indifferent. It's an old pain, but Jayden, she'd been all cozy warmth and fire.

A sigh escapes me as I reach for my phone. The screen lights up. Jimmy's expecting me to cave, to show up and fill the void with forgettable names and faces. I'm tired of circling back to square one though.

Fingers tapping rapidly, I compose a message.

Me: Jimmy, count me out for the party. Something's come up.

I pause before hitting send, my thumb hovering over the screen. There's a finality in that tap, a closing door on the what-ifs and might-have-beens. With a breath that feels like it's dredging up every shard of hope I've buried, I press down.