Chapter 18

Ileft a despondent Lucius alone in the kitchen of Nightcairn with half a bottle of wine and headed upstairs, carrying the hurt from every cruel, venomous word Tavion uttered these past days like a weight around my heart.

I understood his frustration. His desolation and fear. But understanding didn't make his insults sting any less.

Didn't make the coldness in his eyes turn to warmth or his anger stop cutting like a knife.

A few days ago, we'd been closer than I thought two people could be, and now…We were further apart than we'd ever been, even after Julian's death.

I couldn't lose Tavion. Not like this.

Not to some creeping sickness that would steal him away from me, bit by bit.

He was hurt and angry and scared, a combination that created a male too proud to ask for help and too arrogant to accept what was offered. But somewhere, in this gods-awful world, there was a cure. I had to believe that.

Lucius hadn't found one, but…if one existed, I would.

I hoped coming to Nightcairn would let me put some ghosts to rest, but instead…I ran my fingers over an expensive inlaid table, carving a wavering line through the thick dust.

Instead, my ghosts followed me around from place to place, while I picked up new ones along the way.

Pretty soon we'd be a ghost brigade—no, a ghost army—and things would be out of hand.

Tristan, at least, was sleeping. Two healers of Lucius's choosing were on their way. Hopefully he could find his way back from…whatever had snapped during that vision. In truth, I still didn't know what to make of it.

Something having to do with me being hurt.

Not me, specifically, because Tristan hardly cared about me, but something had broken inside him, opened up a gateway to some awful memory or a loss he couldn't face.

I knew nothing about Tristan, except he was rich.

A High Fae Lord, much like Tavion.

But I remembered his face that day when the king had given him back his family estate, his title. That moment had been pivotal for him. Getting his home back had meant everything.

I was almost to my room when catlike footsteps padded behind me, my mother appearing from the darkness, arms wrapped around her middle. "We have to talk," was all she said before pushing past me into my dark, cold bedroom. I'd chosen a room at the end of the hall, one that was long abandoned, but I'd wanted to be alone tonight.

Far enough from everyone for this quiet to seep into my bones.

Quiet where I could actually think for once.

It had been too long since I'd had an opportunity to think. To weigh our decisions—many of them rash—and choose the best option, now that our backs were against the wall.

Winning was a game.

A brutal, bloody, deadly game.

The world—the three known realms—were the chessboard.

I'd planned on spending this evening figuring out which moves put us closer to victory and further away from death. Instead, I'd be listening to my mother rationalize her schemes. Regret became a dead weight inside me. I'd dreamed for so long of having a mother…but not like this.

"Make this fast, Adele. I'm exhausted and we should all get some sleep."

I followed my mother into the room, not bothering to light a candle or the logs in the grate. I didn't plan on this conversation lasting long and a fire…well, that would only invite her to stay.

"You must leave the archer behind when we leave for the High Barrens in the morning. He's weak and unstable and not at all reliable."

I wanted to snort out a laugh and toss her out of this castle.

But exhaustion—and my sobering conversation with Lucius—tamped down enough of my anger. I only looked at her. "I see you've been planning what to say since we passed through the portal. I'll have you know, Tristan is the one who killed Solok. Shot an arrow straight through his eye."

I peeled off my leather jacket. It had been on me for so long it stuck, the strong scent of body odor wafting up to meet me when I tossed the thing on the foot of the bed.

"These males you think are so important…they are nothing. You have the power, Anaria. It is yours. Sharing will only weaken you unless you learn to guard your heart, keep your secrets, and never let them in." She scanned my face with an air of cool superiority. "If I had been around to raise you, I would have taught you such things."

Well, thank the gods you weren't, I wanted to say but bit my tongue.

She nodded to the tree branded into my arm. "That mark guarantees you the title of High Priestess if you are strong and cunning enough to claim it."

A shiver walked down my spine at the greed slithering through Adele's voice, her willingness to sacrifice me to the gods of power. And still, even with all of that, my eyes dipped to her ruined fingers, her skeletal body and a wave of pity crashed through me.

"I have no desire to sit on any throne. Power has never appealed to me, except for one reason…the good I can do." I pressed my lips together. "I spent most of my life without enough to eat. I was cold and hungry and afraid. Creating a world where those things don't exist…that is the only thing power is good for."

"You don't change the world unless you're seated on a throne," Adele countered. "Change has a cost, and sometimes that means doing the dirty work and wearing a crown you despise in order to wield it."

"And sometimes power is not allowing others to manipulate you to their own ends," I countered softly. "I spent my whole life at other people's mercy. I know how easily cruelty can be disguised as kindness, how benevolence is rooted in greed."

Adele's blue eyes flashed. "Don't you dare lecture me. I gave up everything to bring you into this world and give you a chance at greatness—the chance I never had. Everything."

I swallowed because she wasn't wrong.

But we'd all sacrificed pieces of ourselves, and none of us were bitching about how much we'd suffered or what we'd lost. But I couldn't get past my pity. Not for her but for everything she went through, for how she'd been forgotten by the very people who were supposed to protect her.

"What would you have me do, then?" I kept my tone even, having no energy for another fight, not after what happened with Tavion.

"March into the High Barrens and demand the throne, along with an army for Zorander to command?" I wanted to laugh. "Appoint myself their leader? These people do not know me. They have no reason to trust me. They might kill me on sight. Is that your plan, Mother?"

"With that mark on your arm, you can claim the throne. All you have to do is take it for yourself."

"It takes more than a mark to claim power. Just ask Carex how that worked out for him."

Adele's eyes gleamed. "Your father ruled for a thousand years."

This time I did laugh. "So you don't care how Carex came to power, so long as he was able to hold on to his crown for a long time? You're exactly like the rest of them, aren't you?"

Her eyes widened, color flushing her cheeks as I continued. "Which is why Tavion and the others expected me to be spoiled and cruel. When they first saw me, they saw you and assumed I was exactly like you."

"You have no right to judge me," she hissed through her teeth. "You are a spoiled child who knows nothing of this world."

I raised my chin, some of this exhaustion sliding away as I finally saw my mother with startling clarity. "You are the second person who has told me that today. Allow me to set the record straight so there is no confusion."

I took a step and Adele retreated back the way she'd come.

"I have seen things you should be glad you've never seen. I have stood at the end of the world and faced down a god older than the universe. This magic you think is some kind of gift?" I snorted. "This power carves its mark deeper and deeper into my flesh every time I wield it." I jerked my shirt over my head, standing there in nothing but a bra and the iron bands, then ran my finger up the crackling black line along my side.

"Every time I use my magic, I make a decision first. Will using this power be worth the cost I inflict on the men I love? Will this be the time I finally turn us all into monsters?" I mused aloud, noting the faint twist of disgust on Adele's face.

"I sank my blade into my best friend's heart and watched her rot away in front of me, and I will do many, many terrible things before this war's over and everyone is free. But do you know what I will not do?" I took another step, herding my mother toward the door.

"I will not scheme my way onto a throne. I will not use those weaker than me as stepping stones. And I will not be manipulated by my own flesh and blood to grasp power because they missed their fucking chance."

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Now, if you don't mind…"

"You are making a mistake binding yourself to these males. A mistake you will regret."

I advanced until Adele's back hit the door.

"These males, as you call them, are my life. I belong to them and they belong to me in a way you will never understand. I would die to save them. And before the end, I will sacrifice everything for them."

I leaned closer.

"For them, I would sell my soul to Corvus himself. I would spill my own blood as long as they were protected and healthy and safe. Their welfare and happiness means far more to me than my own, but you wouldn't understand that, would you?"

"You would choose them over your own blood? Over me?"

"I would choose them every time and never regret my choice for a moment."

"You'll regret this, Anaria. Power is all that matters. Those who have it, rule…"

"And those who don't, serve."

The air shuddered out of my lungs as Tavion emerged from the shadows in the corner of my room, his face a twisted mask, a half-full bottle clutched in his hand.

"Mother. Say goodnight."

"Goodnight," Adele squeaked, then she dodged through the half-open door. I closed it behind her with a faint snick and braced myself. "How much of that did you hear?" I asked, trying to decide how drunk he was.

Tavion's slow grin was a terrible, raging thing, promising all sorts of retribution as his eyes raked me up and down, taking in every last detail. My nakedness, the dark line up my side, the white brand on my arm.

"Everything," he said as he lifted the bottle to his lips, powerful throat bobbing as he drank.

The word hungin the air between us, the room growing warmer the longer we stared at each other. He was too damn proud for his own good, but that stubborn, dogged pride…I sometimes wondered if that was all that held Tavion together.

If he'd lost everything else that mattered and arrogance was all that remained, the one thing no one had yet managed to strip away.

"You were right. I did think you were like her. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I believed you were exactly like Adele." Green eyes burned within a mask of ice. "Julian told me how cruel she was and maybe…that's why I thought the worst of you. I made assumptions instead of seeing what was right in front of me…"

Tavion's voice trailed off and my aching shoulders sagged.

I was so fucking tired of fighting.

"I've done you wrong, Anaria. Many, many times. And yet you never give up on me, do you? You always fight for me…for us, no matter what. Why is that?"

"Because when you love someone, you don't give up on them." I held his gaze, seeing the hope lurking beneath the raw hurt. "Because even when we lose faith in ourselves, we won't allow each other to fall. Not ever." I ran my hand through my greasy, tangled hair, and now it was too late and I was too damned exhausted to bother with a bath.

"I overheard you in the kitchen. Talking to my father."

I went still, barely breathing as I searched his face, those glittering eyes, wondering if I could get to the door before he unleashed his brewing anger on me.

"Tavion, I was only trying to—" He held up his hand and I snapped my mouth shut.

"I was waiting for you, so I could yell and scream about how you'd wronged me and overstepped your bounds and about a hundred other imagined slights you'd committed over these past days." His finger rimmed the mouth of the bottle, his eyes glued to my face with that unnerving intensity.

"That was my plan, anyhow, before you came in."

"And now?"

"And now I'll admit I'm a fool." He shrugged, took another long draw on the bottle, and I wondered how much of this was Tavion and how much was the liquor talking. "I was hurt. And scared, looking for someone to blame. You were the closest target."

His teeth were so long they dented his bottom lip. "I'm sorry, Anaria. For all of it. I'm sorry I let my anger get in the way. I'm sorry I can't seem to trust you like you deserve to be trusted. I love you so much it scares me. So much I lose myself in that fear sometimes."

He shook his head, slow and sad. "That fear…makes me do foolish things. Even when I try not to."

I swallowed. This…was far more intimate than any moment we'd ever shared.

Tavion was more vulnerable than I'd ever seen him.

And he loved me. I rolled that word around on my tongue, finding I very much liked the taste. "I love you, too, Tavion Montgomery." The words hung between us like a promise, like a truth we'd known for a long time now but had been too afraid—too stubborn—to say out loud.

"I've waited a long time to hear those words from you, Anaria. A very long time."

"You have every right to be hurt and angry and scared about this, Tavion. I'm scared." I nodded to the chair. "Do you want to sit? We can talk about this, figure it out. Lucius has healers coming for Tristan. They're on their way."

I expected a glimmer of hope when I mentioned the healers, but he just shook his head.

"Gods no. I'm too fucking tired to sit. I'm too tired to argue. Too tired to even think about this anymore." He glanced to the bed, then his gaze settled back on me.

"I want to sleep. Here. With you. With my wife."

I opened my mouth to protest, and he held up a placating hand. "Just sleep. That's all. I'm drunk and tired and I haven't slept in a bed in my own house for fuck knows how long." He smiled, an exhausted, honest to gods smile, and something inside me melted. "Indulge me, Anaria. Only for tonight. I want to hold my wife."

"I stink."

He grinned wider. "I know. I don't care."

"Just sleep," I insisted, even though my damned libido lifted her horny little head in interest. "I mean it, Tavion. I…" I licked my lips and instantly realized my mistake.

He set the bottle aside, his molten gaze never leaving me. "You…what, Anaria?" He prowled toward me, infinitely graceful, impossibly deadly, an indomitable wolf in a beautiful Fae body, every bit of that male attention focused on me.

He was right in front of me, so enormous I braced my hand against his chest and had to crane my neck back to see his face. "I…I can't stop thinking about the other night. But I don't want our second time to be because you're drunk."

His expression sobered, but he skimmed his knuckles down my cheek, so gently they were a rush of heated air against my skin. "No, that won't be what our second time is like at all."

His eyes darkened to the color of pine needles and all I smelled was the scent of windswept pines. "I should have been gentler with you. I should have taken my time worshipping every inch of your beautiful body, but my wolf is a fucking impatient prick and all he wanted was to claim you for his own. But next time…"

His savage smile made my knees tremble. "I will take my sweet time with you. I will taste every delicious inch, Anaria, and only when you've forgotten your own name will I let my wolf come out to play."

Then he yawned, coating me in the smell of a woodland forest and far-too-expensive liquor. "Get in bed." Another flash of that wicked smile. "I'm right behind you."

Damn him, but my fucking toes curled before I kicked off my boots and crawled in, the mattress sagging beneath me. Clothes rustled, something heavy hit the floor, then Tavion curled himself around me, his corded arm thrown over my waist. For a few minutes we lay like that, breathing.

Adjusting.

Maybe I was a damn fool, but I sucked in a breath. "When the healers come, let them look at you before we leave tomorrow. Please."

"It won't do any good. Not from what Lucius went through with mother." He went still, though, as if he was considering it. "I'll let them look, but you have to promise me something, Anaria."

"What?"

"If I cannot be healed, if this is truly going to kill me…don't leave me behind. As long as I can fight for you, as long as I can swing a sword, I do not want us to be apart. I deserve to see this through to the end, even if it's my end. That is all I ask."

He was right.

Stubborn and unbending and probably going to get himself killed…but right.

The thought terrified me to my very core. The idea of living a single day without Tavion was unacceptable. Like living without air or the sun or laughter. I needed Tavion. The revelation hit me out of nowhere, sweeping every other thought from my head and leaving only the fear behind.

"Okay. I won't," I said, trying to breathe around my terror.

His illness wasn't a foul creature I could slay, or a problem money could solve. This was something I could do nothing about and that simple, undeniable truth rendered me utterly helpless. If I couldn't find a remedy, I would lose Tavion.

So I'd find the fucking cure.

I'd save him because that was the only outcome I would accept.

"Your mother is a real piece of work," he murmured, and my chest grew tight at the protective fury brewing beneath those words.

"She wants to use me, Tavion."

"I heard." He nuzzled into my disgusting hair with a sigh that almost sounded…content.

"We won't let her," he said as if the decision had already been made. "I'll talk with Dane tomorrow, make sure the High Barrens are safe enough for you. If they aren't, if my uncle deems them too dangerous, we don't go. We wait here for Raz and Zor, then decide what our next move is."

"As simple as that?"

"As simple as that. There are other armies out there. Armies that can be purchased if you have enough gold."

"You'd buy us an army?" I felt his shrug before he sagged against me, warm, liquor-sweet breath skating over me as he hauled me closer.

"If that's what it takes to keep you happy, wife, then I'll do it."

"That's definitely the liquor talking."

His sleepy smile sank into me, coating me in pure happiness, and something in me settled, every bit as content as he was right now. "Well…maybe a little."

Then he started to snore.