11. Ember

11

EMBER

T he second the words left my lips, my stomach tightened and turned, my very being protesting the hypocrisy of the statement. Yes, it was the best sex of my life, and I did want it to happen again. And again and again.

But it couldn't.

Mayhem rolled off me, taking his warmth and compassion with him. His face fell, a curtain slamming down on the vulnerability he'd shown. "I agree. This was a mistake."

"I didn't say it was a mistake." I pushed to sitting, holding the sheet against my chest.

"I did." He slid out of bed and stood, and my stomach tightened even more as I took in the glorious view. My throat thickened, and a tiny voice from somewhere deep inside screamed at me to fix this. To tell him I didn't mean it and that I wanted him in my bed and my life for the rest of my existence.

Down, girl. Don't get attached.

"I spent time inside your mind, and now my mark on your arm is fabricating false emotions. There is no such thing as soulmates, and I was a fool for entertaining the idea. Where can I find clothing? We have work to do."

"Ash's dresser. Bottom right drawer."

He turned on his heel and strode out of my room, leaving me in bed with my mouth hanging open. I don't know what I expected him to do when I said it couldn't happen again, but I definitely did not anticipate he'd plunge a metaphorical knife into my chest.

"Ouch," I whispered, rubbing the phantom pain.

No, not phantom. That pain was real and raw, and I did not enjoy it in the slightest.

I sat still, listening for his voice, but the house stood silent. Sliding out of bed, I padded to my dresser and gathered a set of clothes before heading to the shower for the second time today. His dark, masculine scent lingered on my skin, and I could almost feel his talons against my back as he'd lost control. I had to wash it all away.

After the shower, I scrubbed my teeth and tongue, trying to vanquish the taste of his lips, but it was no use. My mind had grabbed hold of his essence, not just committing it to memory, but etching it in stone.

"Good goddess, Ember. What have you done?" I asked my reflection before I quietly padded into the living room.

Mayhem sat in my favorite chair, his spine straight, his face stoic. Ash flashed me a curious look, and I gave my head a tiny shake, telling her not to ask. I could see the question in her expression: Are you okay?

I'll let you know when I figure that out myself.

She nodded. "The guys scried, and they're on their way."

"They're bringing sandwiches," Chaos said, and my stomach growled on cue.

"Do they know where it is?" I sank into the chair opposite Mayhem and tried to make eye contact. He wouldn't look at me.

"You know Shade." Ash folded one leg beneath her. "If they do, he's going to make damn sure we don't go after it without him."

"That tracks." I drummed my fingers on my knees. "The good news is it sounds like the fae aren't planning to take over our realm. If we want to buy what Adrian was selling."

My phone buzzed on the kitchen counter, and I retrieved it, pressing it to my ear. "Another one?"

Higgins huffed. "Washed up at Cat Cove. No liver."

"What about the heart?" I asked as a knock sounded on our door. I opened it and stepped aside for Shade and Miles to come inside.

"You never told me about an issue with hearts." The crunching of potato chips sounded through the phone. "Is there anything else you've failed to mention?"

My teeth clicked. "I pass on information as I receive it. We only found out about the hearts yesterday."

"Hmm. I'll check with the ME. What else do I need to know?"

"If the heart was missing, the victim was a witch. Liver only means they were human."

"Get this shit under control." The line went dead before I could muster a snappy comeback, which was just as well. My brain was processing way too much information to maintain my sharp tongue.

By the time I finished the call, Miles had set us up with wrapped hoagies and full glasses of water at the table. I sat at one end, and Mayhem took the other…as far from me as possible…while the others filled in the rest of the space.

After firing off a text to Patrice, asking her to wrangle a team to check out Cat Cove, I unwrapped a cranberry chicken salad sandwich and leveled my gaze on Shade. "Well?"

"It's good to have you back," he said to Mayhem, who gave a curt nod, his expression blank.

"Did you find the rest of the amulet?" I took a giant bite of my sandwich and tried not to moan. Savory chicken and sweet, tart cranberries melded together in a flavor explosion. Yum.

"We think so," Miles said. "It's shrouded, but the spell isn't very strong, and…" He cut his gaze to Shade.

"It's strong enough that BSM hasn't found it yet." Shade inclined his chin. "Only a naturally powerful witch could have sensed it like I did."

Miles cleared his throat.

Shade lifted his hands. "Like we did. We shared vim."

" Where is it?" I couldn't have hidden the annoyance in my voice if I'd tried, but hey. At least I had something else to think about instead of the demon sitting across from me.

Dammit. He was still on my mind. The sigil on my forearm tingled, and I rubbed it to chase away the sensation.

Mayhem inhaled sharply, his gaze snapping to mine. "Don't do that."

Without a word, I picked up my glass and took a long drink. I wanted to spout off a my body, my choice speech , but it seemed the tattoo affected his body too. Instead, I squared my gaze on Shade and arched an irritated brow.

"We sense it at Patrice's house," he said.

"That's why we aren't positive," Miles said. "Why would Patrice have it?"

"And why wouldn't she say something if she did?" Ash asked. "You told her we were looking for it."

"I don't know." A sinking sensation formed in my stomach. "You don't think she and Chrys…?"

Shade laughed. "Patrice? She won't even kill a spider. There's no way she participated in a coup with a crazy person."

"Did she ever hang out with you guys while Chrys was manipulating you?" I swallowed the sour taste from the back of my mouth. "We didn't think Chrys was capable of this either."

Miles cast his gaze to the ceiling, looking thoughtful for a moment. "I don't recall her being around during that time. She's always been solitary."

Ash nodded. "And she's healed us more times than I can count. If she wanted to get rid of us, she'd have let us die."

I took another bite of sandwich, chewed, and swallowed as my brain processed the idea. "You're right. It's ludicrous. You probably sensed the amulet's magic there because Chrys used it to trap her in the basement. We need to scry again."

"Or we could go to her house and ask her." Ash rose and carried her sandwich wrapper to the trash. "No sense in wasting vim if we don't have to."

"Great idea." I stood and tossed my trash in the bin. "Everyone, load up."

Mayhem stayed at the table and crossed his arms. "I will remain here."

My jaw tensed, my grip on my water glass tightening. "Fine."

Ash looked from me to him, and back to me. "We don't need the whole crew. How about you and I go, and the boys can stay here and recharge."

"Recharge?" Shade shot to his feet. "It's barely noon. I'm not taking a nap like a child."

"She means our vim." Miles gathered his and Shade's wrappers and wadded them into a ball. "We had to break through the shroud to figure out where it was. I know that taxed you as much as it did me."

"And someone needs to make sure these two don't misbehave." I looked at Mayhem, expecting a sarcastic quip or at least an eye roll. He gave me nothing.

Shade glanced at Miles and sank into his chair. "Yeah. We can do that."

I started to say a silent thank you to Hecate, but with all the trouble we were having finding the damn amulet, it seemed like she'd abandoned us.

"Come on." Ash took a plastic bag from the pantry, grabbed my jacket, and handed it to me. "I just texted and told her we're stopping by."

I checked the inner lining to be sure my knives were there and slipped it on before grabbing the keys and following her downstairs. When we stepped out the back door, I hit the key fob, unlocking the van.

She stopped and put her hand on mine. "I thought we might walk."

"It's twenty minutes on foot. Five if we drive."

She took the keys from my hand and locked the doors. "It'll give us time to talk."

My slow exhale heated the back of my throat. Talking wasn't my thing. Feelings weren't my thing either, and that was exactly what she wanted me to talk about. I chewed the inside of my cheek and gave her the most insolent side eye I could.

She put the keys in her pocket. "It has to come out or it'll fester and make you crazy."

Something inside my chest pinched, and pressure rolled upward, shrinking my throat and threatening to come out as a sob. What the actual eff, Em? I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, willing all my insides back to their normal state. It didn't work.

"We had sex." My voice was a whisper over the lump in my throat.

"That much I knew." She laced her arm through mine and guided me to the sidewalk. "I had to cast a silencing spell on your room to give you privacy." I caught her grin from the corner of my eye.

"Thanks for that." I stared straight ahead as we strolled down the street, arm in arm. "It won't happen again."

She waited a beat for me to elaborate. When I didn't, she asked, "Did he hurt you?"

"No." My answer came quickly. He had done the opposite of hurt me.

"Did he force you?"

"Goddess no. I wanted it as bad as he did." A gust of wind blew my hair in my face, and I tucked it behind my ear. "It was good."

"And that's a problem?" she asked.

I blew out a hard breath, trying to find the words to express how I felt. "Yeah."

"Why?"

"Because." I tugged from her grasp to cross my arms. "I'm running a coven and trying to break a curse so we can mend the veil and stop the fabric of reality from unraveling around us…and I am screwing it up every chance I get. I don't have time for romance."

We reached a crosswalk and waited silently for the little red hand to turn into a green walker. When it did, I started to step into the intersection, but Ash stopped me with a hand on my arm.

"You don't have time, or you don't deserve it?" She tilted her head, compassion drawing her brows together, and the pinch inside my chest turned into a vise.

My lower lip trembled as I opened my mouth and closed it again. It still trembled, so I caught it between my teeth and held her gaze, unable to speak.

She clutched my shoulders. "You do deserve it, and he would worship you if you would let him in."

I tried to laugh, but my sob betrayed me. Tears gathered on my lower lids, and when I attempted to blink them back, they spilled down my cheeks. "This is the second time you've made me cry in as many days."

"It feels good to let it out, doesn't it?" She wiped my cheek with her thumb the same way Mom would do when I'd hurt myself.

Another sob-laugh rolled up from my chest. "Have you always been this smart? You see right through me."

The light turned, the red hand flashing before going steady, and Ash pushed the button again. "I don't see through you. I see you ."

I swallowed, nodding my head and willing the lump in my throat to loosen. "What do you see?" Because I sure as hell didn't know who I was anymore.

"I see a strong, confident, capable woman, who's also filled with self-doubt."

"I'm confident I can kick anyone's ass who crosses me, but that's about it." I wiped my tears and shook my hands, trying to get myself together.

"You're not a people person, and that's okay. You're a full-scale introvert who craves solitude." She shrugged. "We're all wired differently. It doesn't mean you don't deserve love."

The light changed again, and we crossed the street before hanging a right toward Patrice's house.

"Mayhem does love you, you know," Ash said. "He might not express it in a way you understand, but he does. I can feel it."

"It's only been a few days." I tried to scoff, but my heart wasn't in it. I felt it too, and that scared the bejeezus out of me. "He is so not my type."

Ash laughed. "He's your perfect match."

"How? You and Chaos complement each other. You're complete opposites. Mayhem and I…"

"Are exactly alike?"

"Not even close. He's hot-tempered and cocky as eff. He's sarcastic and brooding and doesn't play well with others. He's…" I clamped my mouth shut the second I realized who I'd just described. "Well, shit."

"You need to talk to him."

I huffed, shaking my head because I knew she was right. She was always right.

It didn't mean I had to like it. "One thing at a time."

"Some things need to happen simultaneously."

"Not now." I gestured at Patrice's house in front of us. "Let's go see about the amulet."