Chapter Five

Fred Moonscale

Old Man Cromwell and I didn't get along for years after Lotus and I met. We might have still been quiet enemies if Lotus hadn't gotten sick. He stroked Lotus's hair, whispering to her that the journey was almost over. That she could rest soon and that we'd all make sure the kids were okay. Then he turned his back to her and the flowers. I stood by her, looking down into a face that I'd see every night in my dreams for as long as I lived. I smoothed down her hair and kissed her forehead. I reached out impulsively to where once our mating link lived, but it was empty air now. How could a whole person disappear so completely while leaving part of themselves behind?

"I love you, my little flower," I whispered to her and then asked her father if he were ready for this one last walk with his daughter.

He nodded and I scooped her up in my arms, cradling her to my chest as I had a million times over in our relationship. Her father soothed her hair down one more time and moved her arm to rest against her belly. Our lady couldn't look less than put together for this final walk. She'd never forgive us if we did that to her.

"Now we're ready," he nodded up at me.

He led the way opening doors and guiding my footsteps. I never looked away from her once as I carried her out of our home, through the garden, and into a field where she wanted to build a house for Duke and Syre so that they might visit more often. I choked down a sob. I had to get her on the pyre. I had to light it and then fight every instinct that burnt inside me not to join her.

"I got you," my father-in-law said. "We'll have none of that. She's already gone, sonny. This is just for us. We see her off so we can understand that she's really gone. It's just part of how we process. When I go, I don't want any of this fuss. Have a family dinner and cement me into the family tomb and be done with it. I've had enough social events to last me for three lifetimes."

I nodded as he hobbled ahead of us on his cane clearing away anyone lingering in my path. I couldn't meet their eyes. I couldn't look into the faces of those who gathered to say goodbye to Lotus. Maybe it was that word lodged in the back of my throat with that fire ball that still hadn't come out. The tree line came into view and for a second I thought I'd dash off across the field, carrying her into the woods. They couldn't have her. I wouldn't give her up.

"She's not in there!" my dragon roared into my thoughts.

He'd slept through the reading of the will and most of the ‘I'm sorry's, but he woke up bright and early this morning to see our mate off. All of his words, harsh or gentle, came out in a roar. It was as if he meant to go feral and drag me along with him. Thing was, I wouldn't have stopped him. I wouldn't have fought against it.

Instead of making for the trees, I carried Lotus to the pyre. It was waist high now, but was on a platform to raise once she was ready to be sent off. My fingers clung to her. I couldn't put her down.

"Freddie," someone whispered and I glanced down at Lotus as if she might've woken up.

Instead, my cousin Feral, stood at my shoulder. I didn't remember him arriving, but it made sense. I helped him get out of London away from his crazy parents.

"We got you," he patted my shoulder, gently. "We got you. Let's get her laid down. We're almost there. She's almost there."

"Almost," I nodded and glanced down at Lotus's beautiful face. She could've been asleep, but we all knew better.

With Feral's help, I laid her out on the platform. This one was surrounded with more flowers, but they weren't decorative. They were there to hide the flammable material underneath. When she was flat on the platform, Feral turned away. He stayed nearby, his arms behind his back as if he were my bodyguard. I didn't expect a fight, but the thought mattered a lot.

A sob tore out from the crowd, and someone hit their knees. My little Daliah sobbed again. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't look at any of them and do this.

"No!" Daliah sobbed.

Skin hit skin. I glanced over my shoulder just in time to see Daliah, slap Sequin's hand away. She sprinted toward me. No, toward Lotus. I thought she needed one more goodbye. So, I stepped out of her way. Growling she lifted one knee onto the platform.

"No, baby," I said, lifting her by the waist even as she snarled. "Don't do that."

"I want to go with her!" Daliah tried to bite me but missed.

I held her upright until the fire went out of her. Duke and Teddy took her from me. The three of them, joined by Sequin, knelt in the grass not far away. If anyone tried that, I expected it to be Teddy who hadn't stopped sobbing since Lotus left.

I kissed Lotus's forehead one last time. Every second I held off the final goodbye only made my children suffer more.

"I love you. See you soon," I said, because I had to believe it.

I stepped backward without glancing back at the onlookers. I couldn't look at them. I couldn't look anywhere else. I kept my eyes on my mate as the fireball in the back of my throat finally dislodged itself. With one breath of fire the pyre lit up. A howl broke out from our canine guests. Zoey's broken howl cut through the loudest as Xander kept her upright.

Blake squeezed my hand. Where had he come from? How long had I stared at the fire – my fire – eating away at the only person I ever loved with every bit of me. Maybe the only person who even fully knew me. Clarence Moonscale, himself, took the risk of my dragon's ire, by stepping on the pedal that lifted the platform into the air, sending Lotus out of our reach.

"Kids. Our kids," was all I managed to say to Blake before pulling away from him and stumbling over to where the four were still on the ground. I sank down with them and pulled them into me as best as I could manage. Lotus was gone. The elements would have to take care of her now. I had to somehow get our kids through this. How did you even do that? How did anyone?

Daliah buried her face in my chest sobbing for Lotus to come back. I kissed her on top of the head remembering having to leave for business when she was younger and her crying on my shoulder as I held her in the doorway. She had begged me not to go. It broke my heart to leave that day. This was more. This was everything. Life had taken something from them that I couldn't give back. I couldn't call in a favor or lug something across the ocean. There was no knowing a guy and getting something done about it. All I could do was hold onto her and her brothers and try hard not to think of how many days would be like this in the future. Because if I thought too hard about it, the answer might've been all of them.

***

I didn't remember getting home after the funeral. I think Clarence had something to do with that. He didn't drug us or pass out libations. I vaguely remembered him taking the risk of tapping on my shoulder and suggesting we should get the kids inside in front of the fire. Grief had made more than one dragon's fire run cold.

The next morning and for many mornings after that I woke up in front of the fireplace in the sitting room. I couldn't go back to our bedroom. I couldn't see her stuff or smell her lingering scent. I had guys come and seal up the bedroom without bothering with my personal effects. One day I might be ready to deal with that and I wanted her scent to still be there when I was.

For months, I chased after the kids, ensuring they would be okay. Eventually Duke and Syre went home, but I called them every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. I made the egg brats all come to dinner every night so I'd know they were okay. I smoked out by the pool whenever one of them weren't around. My dragon slept then too. He slept more and more when they weren't right in front of us.

A year after Lotus died my life was still on the carousel ride. I didn't do anything except eat, sleep, and chase after the kids. If something got done in the house it was because one of the kids thought about doing it or Clarence called someone to do it after visiting. I could've gone on this way forever, but eventually all four of my children called an intervention. I knew something was up when Duke arrived for dinner without Syre or Duchess. They had all they could collectively take of me wallowing around and chasing after them. It was gentle. It was kind.

"What do you expect me to do?" I asked after listening to each one of them tell me they were okay, but worried about me.

"Stop chain smoking and eat even when we're not here," Duke offered gently.

"Daddy," Daliah said, her voice soft and gentle, an echo of her mother's, "we're okay. We really really are. We love you and we're worried about you. We don't want to lose you too. That we couldn't handle. That we --- I wouldn't survive that."

I nodded. Quitting smoking might be a problem. I smoked a lot before Teddy was born. Quitting was hell. Lotus was the only one who got me through it. She threw away pack after pack. Once she jumped in the pool, in her fox form, with a whole carton of cigarettes in her mouth.

"Dad? Are you with us?" Teddy touched my forearm.

"Sorry," I shook my head. "Lost in thought."

"That's been happening a lot," Sequin pointed out.

"Outside of you kids and Duchess, all my best days are behind me."

"Don't say that," Teddy frowned, his eyes misting over.

They weren't as okay as they said. I'd been careful of every word I spoke to them up until that sentence. It just proved they weren't okay. I pushed my chair back intent on telling Clarence's cook to bring out dessert. The kids needed some sugar to cheer them up.

"We really are okay," Daliah said again. "We're not just saying that."

I looked around the table at all four of them. Lotus's death did what I could never figure out how to do. Duke was in touch with his siblings almost every day now. I smiled because I couldn't help it. They lost Lotus, but all found each other. Maybe they'd be okay.

"I believe you," I nodded.

My vision dimmed. The room went dark. I glanced around for my door, hoping that maybe the chain smoking managed to catch up with me despite my dragon. No door appeared, but I was out before I hit the floor.