39. Holly, Melbourne

Aweek after my dinner with Tom, I'm at Caleb's Wine Bar. It's a busy Saturday night, loud with conversation and jazz music. Nat's late and I've already finished my first glass of wine. Caleb has just opened a new bottle and put two fresh glasses in front of me when Nat hurries in, forehead puckered with stress.

‘Sorry I'm so late,' she says, giving me a quick hug. ‘Archie's sick.'

‘Why didn't you call? We could've cancelled.'

She waves a hand and hops onto a bar stool. ‘No. He's settled now. I needed to get out and I wanted to see you.'

I give her a grateful smile and point to the bottle. ‘My friend Caleb there chose this for us.'

‘Oh, I remember him,' she says and gives him a wave.

‘How are you?' I ask, pouring her wine. ‘Other than Archie being sick.'

She takes a sip and nods. ‘Busy. Always busy.' She frowns and pats my knee. ‘But that's not important. How are you? You sounded pretty down during the week.'

My mouth twists into what I hope is a smile and I give an overly enthusiastic nod. ‘I'm fine.'

She tilts her head. ‘Really?'

I fiddle with the stem of my glass. ‘Ah, you know. Getting there.'

Nat is silent for a beat, then says, ‘With what?'

I look up, confused. ‘Sorry?'

‘Getting there with what?' she says gently. ‘Because I feel like you're really struggling, Hols.'

I swallow back the burn in my throat. ‘I've been busy this week, helping out with the kids, cooking meals, sorted out everything with the real estate. I've talked to a grief counsellor. Even applied for some jobs.'

‘Okay. That's good.' She hesitates. ‘Have you contacted Casey? Replied to her last message?'

I shake my head. ‘Deleted it.'

She raises her brows. ‘You don't even want to try talking to her again?'

‘It was torture to see it on my phone every day, okay?'

Nat's mouth pulls downward and her eyes narrow – the way she always looks at me when she's contemplating whether or not to give her opinion. ‘You're torturing yourself.'

‘That's because talking to her, seeing her face, it's too much,' I say.

‘Remind me again why you're not going to try and figure this out when you're both single and you have no reason to be here?'

Nat got the whole sorry story when I arrived home, but with losing Mum, we haven't delved too much into the Casey situation. ‘Because she was sleeping with me in one city while her fiancée was planning a wedding in another!'

Nat nods. ‘Ah, that's right. A fiancée she told you she was planning to break it off with before she met you again.'

‘Well, that's what she told me. Anyway, that's not the point. We were together for days, literally stuck together, and she didn't tell me about her.'

‘Maybe it's not that straightforward?'

I roll my eyes. ‘It's not hard. Just say it. Geez, what's with everyone being Team Casey?'

She laughs. ‘I'm not Team Casey. I'm team "I want to see you happy". Look at it this way. What if you hadn't split with Tom before you went away?—'

‘But I did?—'

Nat holds up a hand. ‘What if you hadn't? You just went for a holiday on your own, and you met her. You were all swept up in the romance of it, went for dinner and went home together. Would you have told her about Tom?'

‘Yes.'

Nat raises a questioning brow. ‘Before you slept with her or after?'

I purse my lips. ‘After, maybe.'

‘Okay, and how long before you would've told Tom?'

I shoot her a look. ‘Did you just come here to grill me? Did Adam put you up to this?'

‘Answer the question.'

‘Fine. I would've told him at some point.'

‘Exactly. At some point. You can't say for certain.'

I swig my drink.

She taps my arm to force me to look at her. ‘Hey, I'm just trying to make you see things from a different perspective.'

‘Okay, yes, I would have slept with her if I was still with Tom. But I would've told her about him, and then I would've contacted Tom and told him.'

‘Well, from what you've told me, Casey was going to do that. She just got the timing off. You have to admit, it's an odd situation, you two suddenly meeting again like that. I'm guessing neither of you were thinking logically.'

‘She slept with Eva the week before she slept with me!'

Nat sips her wine and considers me. ‘So, you and Tom weren't having sex before you split? What was the timeframe between sex with him and you leaving?'

I blink at her, my face growing hot. The last time was our anniversary. Five days before I broke it off and flew to Berlin. I close my eyes a moment as the realisation sets in. ‘Okay, point taken.'

Nat sighs. ‘You're miserable, Holly. When I spoke to you in Berlin, you were the happiest I've heard you in years, even before you ran into Casey. You were so excited to be there. What have you got here? No job. No relationship. Adam is flat out with his family and business. I'm so swamped I barely get to spend time with you. And…' She grabs my hand. ‘Bless your lovely mum, she's at peace.'

Her comment triggers my self-pity. Everyone getting on with their lives but me. ‘I can't trust Casey now. What if she does what Lily did? How do I know these messages she's sent aren't messages she's sending to other people? To Eva?'

‘Come on. Do you truly believe that? Wouldn't Eva broadcast that on her Instagram? From what you told me, Eva posted everything else about their relationship.'

Nat has a point. Eva has only been posting make-up tips. Nothing about Casey or the wedding, despite people filling her comments with questions.

Nat continues, ‘Casey was in Berlin, wasn't she?'

‘Yeah, for work!'

‘But she didn't have to go to the park after work, did she? She didn't have to find you on Instagram and watch what you were up to. Would she seriously do that for anyone? She wants you, Holly. She went there looking for you.'

I open my mouth to protest, but she hasn't finished.

‘And no one can predict the future. There is not one person alive who knows what the next minute holds.' She glances around the bar. ‘Look at all these people. Who's to say I won't meet someone I'd leave my husband for in the next five minutes.'

I roll my eyes. ‘Unlikely.'

Nat smiles. ‘Yeah, unlikely. But my point is, no one really knows. You can't live your life assuming every woman you're with will be like Lily. Go back to the UK. Give Casey a chance.'

I frown. ‘She's probably slept with a hundred people by now.'

‘Maybe. Maybe not.' She sighs. ‘I love you, Hols, but I don't want to see you miserable. Go. And if it doesn't work out with Casey, spend time with your aunty and cousin, have an adventure, travel around with your camera, create new memories. You might even meet someone else.'

I dare to let the possibility of what she's suggesting sink in. ‘You really think I should go back?'

She nods. ‘Please. I can't bear to see you moping around Melbourne any longer.' She's about to pour herself another wine when her phone rings. ‘It's Marc.'

She answers, and I mull over what she's said. My heart urges me to return, my gut telling me that the next part of my life was just about to begin. But my head is crammed with everything that could go wrong and the fear of being hurt again.

Nat hangs up. ‘Archie won't settle.'

‘It's fine. Go.'

‘Do you want to share a cab?'

I shake my head. ‘I'll stay a bit longer. Finish this glass.'

She stands and gives me a quick hug. ‘Why don't you come over tomorrow for lunch? We can have a proper chat. Promise I won't lecture you again.'

I give a small smile. ‘That sounds nice.'

She leaves and I top up my wine, contemplating her comments, but I can't imagine Casey hasn't been sleeping with other people. It's been almost two months since we were together. Can she even go that long without sex?

‘Hello,' a soft voice beside me says.

I turn and it takes a few seconds to register that it's the woman I photographed the night Caleb hired me.

‘Mind if I sit here? I think your friend has left,' she says.

‘Um, sure. Yes, she has.'

She smiles her pretty smile. ‘I'm Rochelle.'

‘Holly.'

‘I'd offer to buy you a drink, but I think you're good,' she says, gesturing to the bottle.

‘I am. You don't have one, though,' I say. ‘You're welcome to some of this.'

‘Thanks.'

She takes Nat's stool, and I ask for a clean glass, then fill it to the halfway mark. We spend the next hour or so talking. She's interesting and vibrant and attentive, and I lap it up.

Over the course of our chat, the bar has become more crowded, so she's standing now and leaning in so we can hear each other over the noise. She smells good – a subtle floral perfume. I lift my mouth to her ear to speak, but she shifts to face me and our lips brush. I pull my head back. I want to kiss her, but whether it's genuine attraction or wanting to pay Casey back for all the sleeping around she's doing, I'm not sure. Either way, I press my lips to Rochelle's and she responds. She tastes white-wine sweet, and for a few beats of my pulse, I lose myself. Until a vision of Casey's face swims into my mind, and I'm painfully aware these lips aren't hers.

I move away and touch my fingertips to my mouth. ‘I'm sorry. I can't.'

Her eyes search my face. ‘Someone else?'

I nod. ‘I thought I could. I wanted to.' I stand and grip the bar, swaying.

She catches me by the elbow. ‘Do you want me to get you a cab or walk you somewhere?'

‘No. Thank you. It was nice to meet you. I'm … I'm sorry.' I push my way through the crowd, stumble down the concrete step and gulp in the fresh evening air, but my chest is so tight I feel like I can't get any into my lungs.

Tears spill down my cheeks as I walk along Little Bourke Street. I want to call Casey, but I won't cope if she's with someone else. I rest against a shopfront, pull out my phone and open Instagram, then go to my follower list, find who I'm looking for and press the video call icon. After a few rings, the call connects.

‘Holly?' Jaz's dark brows pull together, daylight flooding the space behind her.

‘Hi, Jaz,' I say with a sob.

‘Oh, babe.'

I wipe my cheek. ‘I miss her so much.'

‘She totally misses you, too.'

‘Really?'

Her eyes widen. ‘You have no idea.'

‘She hasn't met someone else?'

Jaz makes a face. ‘Serious? She goes to work, comes home and mopes about the flat, and if she does go out, it's to mope about art galleries. She's a total sad fuck. It's doing my head in. Will you come back, please? Is that possible? I can't be doing with her crying anymore.'

‘Crying?'

‘Yes, crying.' Jaz pauses. ‘Hang on, let me go over here.' She walks a few steps and leans against a building. ‘She fucked up, but that's because she was all confused.'

I sniff. ‘She's not back with Eva?'

‘No, mate. And I promise you, she was about to end it with Eva when she met you. She wasn't happy; it just took her a while to get there, yeah?'

‘She hasn't…' I swallow, not certain I'm ready to hear the answer to my question. ‘Slept with anyone else?'

Jaz gapes at me, outraged. ‘What? No, babe. Course she hasn't.'

My heart lifts and then crashes when I remember I've just kissed someone.

‘Can you maybe call her or something?' Jaz asks. ‘She's just messaged me. She was moping about the Tate and her family found her and took her out for lunch.'

The Tate. Sappho and Erinna is there. Hope blooms that maybe it's not too late. ‘I don't want to interrupt them.'

‘You won't. Believe me, they all want you to call her right now.'

‘If you're sure?'

Her face splits into a broad grin. ‘Brilliant.'

I wipe my face again and notice hordes of people behind her. ‘Sorry, I called you in the middle of something.'

‘You're all right. I'm on Oxford Street looking for an outfit. Got a hot date tonight.' She winks.

‘Lucky her,' I say.

‘Lucky me, I think. Now, stop stalling, Holly girl, and call Casey.'

I inhale and release it in a shuddery breath. ‘Okay. Bye.'

‘Later, lovely.'

I hang up, open FaceTime and hit Casey's number before I can talk myself out of it. Within two rings, her face fills the screen and my tears start again.

‘Holly? Oh my God. Hiya.'

‘Hi,' I sniff.

‘Where are you? It's dark and you're crying.' Her eyes widen. ‘Are you in danger?'

I shake my head. ‘No. I'm fine. I miss you.'

Her shoulders drop. ‘I miss you too.'