36. Casey, London

Through the windows of the gallery, the pub taunts me. Holly staring at me through the glass, her face a blend of shock, confusion and hurt. I release a heavy breath and stare at her latest message. I thought the conversation we had would lead to another – the start of us being on speaking terms again. Two days after her mum's funeral, I messaged to see how she was, asked if she needed someone to talk to. She replied that she felt okay and was spending time with her brother and his wife. That was five days ago and this morning when I woke, a new message was waiting for me.

I'm sorry if I gave you false hope. It was a difficult day. I received your messages, but I think it's best we forget about each other and move on. It's pointless when we're in different countries and I won't be returning to the UK anytime soon. I'm glad we found one another and had our questions answered. But we were never meant to be x

I sent a desperate response, assuring her that I didn't want anything except to be in contact, but she left me on read.

Now, reading it again, my eyes prickle, and I rush back to my office before Michaela catches me crying in the gallery.

‘Why didn't I just tell her when I had the chance,' I mutter as I walk into my office.

There's a tap at my door and I spin around to see Josanne. ‘Are you on the phone?' she whispers.

‘No,' I say sitting at my desk. ‘Just talking to myself.'

She takes a seat. ‘Are you okay, Casey?'

I swallow the emotion that's edging up my throat and start rearranging the Post-it notes stuck to my monitor. ‘Yep.'

She's quiet as she watches me. ‘I'm sorry that you and Eva broke up.'

‘I'm not.'

Her brows rise. ‘Oh. Like that, is it?'

‘Mmhmm.'

‘Okay, well if it's not that, then something else is bothering you because you've gone into work overdrive, and you only do that when you're upset.'

I arrange the Post-its neatly across my desk. ‘There's just a lot on.'

She takes a moment before she says, ‘I don't think that's the reason you're overworking.'

I slouch in my chair, no energy to keep pretending. ‘It's someone else. Someone I really cared about, and I fucked it up. She found out about Eva before I told her. Even worse, Eva was the one to tell her.'

Surprise passes across Josanne's face but it's quickly replaced by concern. ‘Oh, Casey. No wonder you're stressed. How did this all come about?'

‘Long story. But the quick version is, and it sounds bad when I say it out loud, but I was going to finish with Eva, then I met up with Holly in Berlin, and well…' I shrug. ‘Things happened. I did break it off with Eva, I just didn't get the chance to tell Holly myself. Now she's gone back to Australia. She wants nothing to do with me, and the most horrible thing happened after she'd been home a few days – her mum passed away from a heart attack.'

‘Oh,' Josanne says, placing her hand against her chest.

All the emotion I've tried to contain since I read Holly's message this morning starts to seep out of me. ‘We finally spoke the night of her mum's funeral, and I thought we'd keep talking,' I say with a wobbly voice. ‘But now she's messaged to say it's pointless, and I feel like I can't keep contacting her or fighting for her because of what she's going through.'

Josanne nods. ‘Yes. That's a difficult situation.'

My eyes begin to water. ‘I'm so angry at myself. It was a shitty thing to do to Eva, and it was my second chance with Holly and I blew it.'

‘Your second chance? I didn't realise you had an ex in Berlin.'

‘Not an ex. We met when we were exchange students and lost touch. Neither of us had any idea the other would be in Berlin – we had this silly meeting-point thing and we found each other.'

Josanne gives me a quick smile. ‘Well, that sounds like fate to me.'

‘That's what Holly said, before I messed everything up.'

‘Maybe she just needs some time? And maybe you're being too hard on yourself? We all make mistakes and love makes us do stupid things sometimes.'

‘More like lust, I think.'

She nods. ‘That too. You can take some time if you need.'

‘No.' I say. ‘Thank you. I need to work, if that's okay. It's the only thing that helps. Being around art helps.'

‘Of course. Just don't want you overdoing it.' She pauses a moment. ‘Speaking of work, there was something else I wanted to talk to you about.'

‘Oh?'

‘There are going to be some staff changes in the Berlin gallery, so it's a good opportunity for us to appoint a director – just for a year, at this stage. Felix isn't interested, and while I don't want to lose you, you would be perfect for it.'

I sit back in my chair, brows raised in surprise. ‘Wow. Okay. When do you need to know?'

She shrugs. ‘It's a big decision, so take time to think about it. We have a few weeks before we'd need to move ahead with recruitment.'

I light up my phone screen with a tap, glance at Holly's message. Maybe she's right. Maybe we weren't meant to be. Maybe our fate was a brief reconciliation so that we could both move on. I flip my phone over and say to Josanne, ‘I'll definitely think about it.'

Even though it's a Sunday, I've spent the morning at work. Now I'm wandering through Soho, contemplating the job offer – other than Holly, it's all I've been able to think about since Josanne mentioned it on Friday. Not that I need more reminders of Holly, but at least our time together in Berlin was special, unlike here, where I need to look at the pub every time I go to work.

I find myself outside the bar Jazzy and I go to. A pint sounds good right now. Inside, I settle on a bar stool, order an ale and pull out my phone, hoping to find a reply from Holly, but there's nothing. Just like there wasn't an hour ago, or eight hours ago, or twenty-four hours ago. I reread the garbled reply I sent her on Friday.

It doesn't matter we're in different countries. I don't want anything from you other than to stay in touch. It's not pointless and you're wrong we weren't meant to be. You said it was fate and I believe that.

I want to retrieve the message so I don't look like a pathetic sap, but she's read it.

‘Hi, Casey,' says a familiar voice beside me.

My head snaps up to see Eva, and I groan.

She holds her hands up. ‘Don't storm off or have a go, just let me…' She points to the empty stool beside me. ‘Can I sit for a minute?'

I consider telling her to go away, but there's not much fight in me these days, and the guilt about what I did to her continues to weigh heavy on me. I pull the stool out for her.

She orders me another drink and two glasses of white wine, then pushes the half pint of ale in front of me.

‘Thanks.' I gesture to her drinks. ‘Thirsty?'

She picks up one of the wine glasses and points behind me. ‘I'm here with someone. Give me a second. Don't leave.'

I casually glance around as she walks away, curious to see who she's with. She places the glass on the table and bends down to give them a brief kiss on the mouth, then heads back my way. She doesn't like to waste time being single, our Eva.

She sits and watches me a moment, nervously fiddling with her earring. ‘I … I wanted to say sorry.'

My brows shoot up. That I did not expect.

She takes a deep breath. ‘I shouldn't have done that to you or to Holly. I was hurt and angry, and it wasn't fair.' She pauses. ‘On either of you.'

I stare at her, stunned. This is the Eva I first met. More genuine, more compassionate. All my defences crumble. ‘Thanks, Eva. That means a lot.'

I give myself a moment before I speak again, because I'm a little choked up. ‘It was my fault. I put you in that situation and I hate myself for it. I'm sorry too.' I shake my head. ‘I handled the whole thing so badly. I should've talked to you well before, told you how I felt, but I was so confused.' I take a breath. ‘I did love you. Marriage just wasn't what I wanted, and I let it go on too long before I figured it out.'

She nods, a flicker of sadness in her eyes. ‘Some things aren't meant to be, I guess, and it leaves the door open for other stuff, right?'

‘That's one way to look at it. I'm sorry your parents spent so much money on the wedding, and that I haven't seen them again?—'

She cuts me off with a wave of her hand. ‘Don't worry. Mum got most of it back. And, um…' She fiddles with her necklace. ‘They gave me a good talking-to. Told me to grow up and apologise to you.'

That makes me smile. ‘I always liked them.'

‘They liked you too. Thought you were good for me.'

‘We were good for each other once.'

‘Until we weren't,' she says.

I nod my agreement. ‘Until we weren't.'

‘It sounds like no one can compete with Holly anyway. You would've kept searching until you found her.'

I peer into the amber liquid of my glass, shame nipping at me. Not only over what I did to Eva, but what I said to her in the pub the other week.

‘Sorry. That came out wrong,' she says. ‘I just meant, you obviously have a strong connection with her, and she would've always been in your head no matter what. She's stunning by the way, not bland at all. I was jealous.'

Her eyes flit around nervously, and I feel sick that I've put her in this position. ‘I shouldn't have said that stuff to you in the pub. I didn't mean you weren't all those things. You are.'

She swallows and glances away. ‘Forget it. I pushed you.' She takes a breath and composes herself. ‘Anyway, Holly isn't here with you, and you look miserable. I take it things didn't work out?'

I shake my head. ‘She had to go home.' My voice wobbles. ‘Her mum had a stroke and then she died of a heart attack not long after Holly got back, so we haven't had a chance to talk much.'

Eva's face falls. ‘Oh, that's really sad. I'm sorry to hear that.'

‘Yeah.' I point behind me, keen to change topic. ‘You've met someone, then?'

She looks over my shoulder, her face turning dreamy. ‘Her name's Frankie.'

‘You happy?'

She smiles. ‘I am, and I haven't popped the question yet, so all good.'

I grin. ‘Haven't seen you splash it all over Insta.'

‘No, Frankie's not into it much, and well, neither am I these days.'

‘You're good at it, no reason not to keep going with the influencer stuff,' I say.

‘Yeah, but for now I'm doing some other things for a bit. That make-up line thing I've been working on came through, so…'

Her own make-up line has been a long-standing dream, and I'm genuinely happy for her. ‘Eva, that's brilliant. Good for you.'

‘Thanks.'

I gesture towards her new partner. ‘You should probably be getting back to Frankie. Can't imagine she'll be too pleased about you sitting here with your ex.'

She slips off the stool. ‘I've told her everything, including what a cow I was.'

‘And what a cow I was?'

She grins. ‘That too.' She reaches into her pocket and slides a small felt box towards me. ‘Thought I should return this.'

I push it back towards her. ‘Keep it.'

‘Seriously, Casey. As much as I love it, I'm not going to wear it again, am I? Even if I do get engaged to someone else. Take it.'

I slip it into my pocket. ‘Thanks.'

She gives my forearm an affectionate squeeze. ‘I hope it works out with Holly. I can call her if you like?—'

‘No! No. It's fine. I'll sort it.'

‘Okay, well, I'm glad we ran into each other,' Eva says. ‘I would've contacted you at some point anyway. Might be hard to avoid each other now that Jaz and Leila seem to be a thing.' She pauses. ‘They're kind of cute, I guess.'

I smile. ‘They are.'

As she walks back to Frankie, I sip my ale and feel a slight shift, the apathy I've been lugging around beginning to dissolve. I call Jaz.

‘Mate,' she says. ‘Where are you? Got the shock of my life when I got up and didn't see your miserable face moping about the flat. I'm not sure whether to be worried or happy.'

‘Fancied a change of Sunday scene, so I went to work for a bit and now I'm having a pint in Soho.'

‘I'll come meet you.'

I neck the last of my ale. ‘How about we go to the pub near ours? Eva's here with her new partner, so I think I should get out of their space.'

‘Ha, no way. Right. Meet you at the Pig and Butcher in about half an hour, then.'

I slip my phone away and give Eva and Frankie a wave goodbye. They both wave back, and Frankie gives me a genuine smile. Very cool.

As I head for the door, I accidentally knock shoulders with someone. ‘Shit, sorry.' Then I make eye contact and inwardly cringe. For such a huge city, London is really fucking small sometimes, and it needs more lesbian bars.

The vet nurse's eyes narrow. ‘I remember you.'

‘Do you?' I say, playing dumb.

‘Yeah.' She points to the far wall. ‘Over there.' She folds her arms. ‘Easy to remember such blatant rejection. I thought you were going to take me home, but you scarpered.'

My cheeks warm. ‘Yeah, sorry about that. I was wired that night.'

‘Ah, so you do remember.' She cocks her head and her eyes shamelessly roam my body. She steps closer. ‘No reason we can't pick up where we left off.'

The desire in her eyes and the want in her voice tells me there's a night of sex on offer. I dig about for the old me, the one who'd have a drink with this woman and dive into bed with her without a second thought.

‘Rum and orange, wasn't it?' she says.

‘Erm…' I look down at my phone, at my unanswered message. Holly has made herself clear, so why am I stalling? I could definitely use a good shag, no question. But that old me is nowhere to be found today because the thought of being with someone who isn't Holly makes me feel dead inside. ‘Thanks,' I say. ‘But my best mate's got a bevvy waiting for me elsewhere.'

Her eyebrows shoot up and she shakes her head. ‘Wow. Rejected twice. You sure know how to make a girl feel good about herself.'

‘Sorry.' And with that, I head for Islington feeling pretty bloody proud of myself for saying no for once.