34. Casey, London

Itrudge across the road to the pub, a light mist of rain falling on my face. When I walk in, Jaz pokes her head out from a booth seat and gives me a wave.

‘All right, mate,' she says as I slip into the seat across from her. ‘Got you a half, since you're cutting back on the drink and all.'

‘Cheers.' I strip off my jacket and take a long sip of ale, which means half of my half is already gone.

Jaz frowns and glances at the glass as I place it on the table. ‘I should've known you'd need a pint. Not heard from her, then?'

‘One reply,' I say sulkily.

‘Well, that's better than none, innit?' she says, using the overly enthusiastic tone she's adopted with me recently.

I grab my phone and read Holly's message. ‘Home okay. Mum's still in hospital. Thanks for checking.'

Jaz grimaces.

‘Exactly. What sort of message is that? "Thanks for checking"? What's that about?'

‘She won't be thinking straight,' Jaz says. ‘She's got a lot going on with her mum's health and dealing with what happened between you two.'

I sigh. ‘I just want her to know how much she means to me. How sorry I am. Like, it can't be over just like that.'

‘I get that you're hurting but listen to me, right, don't crowd her. Imagine how you'd feel in her situation. Your heart is broken, your mum in hospital, and you have to race back to the other side of the world.'

‘Okay. I hear you.' I hold up my phone. ‘Am I crowding her if I reply to this, then? If I ignore it, she'll think I don't care. I feel like I can't win.'

‘Just say, "I'm sorry about your mum".'

‘And?'

‘And nothing. Leave it at that.'

‘But that doesn't seem right. Like, shouldn't I offer something else?'

‘As long as you don't make it about you. It needs to be about her, yeah?'

‘About her…' I tap out a message. ‘How about this. "I'm sorry to hear about your mum. If there's anything I can do?—"'

‘Anything you can do? I think you've done enough for the minute, don't you, Miss fucking Lover Girl.' She huffs and shakes her head. ‘Just say, "If you want to talk about it, I'm here".'

‘Yeah, that's good.' I type, then pause. ‘Should I not end with "I love you" or something?'

Jaz chokes on her wine. ‘Are you for real? You've known each other five minutes.'

I make a face. ‘Eleven years.'

‘Okay, then, you've known of each other for eleven years. You've shagged for a few weeks total during that whole time. And what part of "don't make this about you" didn't you understand?'

‘All right, keep your fucking hair on.' I press send. ‘There. No love confessions. Happy?'

She rolls her eyes. A few seconds later, she leans forwards and says in a hushed voice, ‘Three o'clock.'

My brows furrow and I peer at the wall.

Jaz snorts. ‘Oh my God. My three o'clock. Your nine o'clock.'

I chuckle and look towards the bar, my smile vanishing when I spot a familiar figure waiting for a drink – tan heeled boots, tight blue jeans, sleek black hair falling past her shoulder blades. I groan. ‘For fuck's sake. She knows we come here on a Friday.'

‘Of course she does. But she is with Leila,' Jaz says. ‘Hel-lo, Leila.'

‘No, Jazzy. You are not starting anything with Leila.'

‘But she's well fit, and she fancies me. Don't spoil my fun.'

‘You can have anyone.'

‘But I want her.' She gives a little growl and claws the air, then gives her sultriest smile as they approach our table. ‘Hi, Leila,' she purrs, followed by a frosty, ‘Hello, Eva.'

Leila gushes, ‘Hiya. Mind if we join you?'

Jaz scoots over like she's been shot out of a canon. ‘Not at all.'

I stare at Jaz, but she's too busy making gooey eyes at Leila. I sigh and shift over.

‘Thanks,' Eva says, taking a seat and placing her champagne glass on the table.

We haven't spoken since she answered Holly's call, but we did exchange some catty messages in the days following.

‘So, how are you?' Eva asks me. ‘Still sulking, I take it, since I've not heard from you.'

I sip my ale and calmly put my glass down. ‘Why would you hear from me, Eva? We're not exactly friends. But since we're talking now, did you enjoy hurting Holly like that?'

She smiles smugly. ‘I enjoyed hurting you.'

Leila and Jaz exchange an awkward glance.

‘I'm surprised you haven't called, though,' Eva continues. ‘I thought you might have had second thoughts now that your little Christmas carol has gone back to Australia.'

I narrow my eyes. ‘How would you know that?'

Eva cocks her head. ‘Because her Instagram account is public, and she's posted about being back in Melbourne.'

I face Jaz. ‘I reckon I might head off. Ta for the drink.'

Eva places her hand on my thigh and squeezes. ‘Why don't I come with you?'

I pluck her hand off my thigh, my anger rising, not only over what she did to Holly, but because she always has to have the upper hand. ‘Can you move, please.'

She stays put, her jaw tight.

‘For fuck's sake, Eva. Move.'

She scoffs. ‘You're seriously turning me down? For what? A bland Australian Blake Lively lookalike who's on another continent?'

My face burns as my anger reaches its peak.

‘Ooh, I don't think you want to say that about Holly,' Jaz interjects. ‘And Blake Lively's well beautiful.'

‘Yeah, she totally is,' Leila says.

Eva shoots Leila a look. ‘Sure, if bland blondes are your thing.'

My eyes sting and I take a deep breath to halt the tears before I speak. ‘Holly is one of the most amazing people I've ever met,' I spit at Eva. ‘She's passionate and intelligent and creative and brave.'

Eva's cheeks grow pink.

‘And she has a smile like sunshine,' Jaz says.

I give Jaz a grateful nod and turn back to Eva. ‘She has a smile like sunshine, and I've been in love with her since I was twenty years old.'

Eva's nostrils flare but she stands to let me out.

‘Nice to see you, Leila,' I say, sliding out of the booth. ‘See you at home, Jaz.'

I storm out of the pub and head for Oxford Circus, wild heat coursing through me, hot tears threatening to spill.

‘Casey, wait up!'

I spin to see Jaz jogging towards me. She slips her arm around my waist. ‘Come on. I'll buy you a laksa for tea at that nice Malaysian place near ours.'

‘What about Leila?'

She shrugs. ‘My best mate is more important.'

I give her some sceptical side-eye. ‘And you running off will make her more keen?'

She grins. ‘No, mate. I'm totally thinking about you.'

I ruffle her hair, my anger dissipating slightly. ‘What are you like.' I rest my arm across her shoulder. ‘Fucking Eva.'

Jaz peers at me through narrowed eyes, mouth tucked in on one side, assessing what I need from her. ‘She's a total cow. And there's nothing bland about Holly.'

I give her a squeeze, grateful that she's loyal to the core. ‘Cheers, mate.'