24. Casey, Berlin

I've just secured the sale of Katarina's painting when my jeans' pocket vibrates. I excuse myself and pull out my phone to see Eva's name flash on the screen like a warning siren. My stomach drops. I've been calling her for the past three days, wanting to tell her the truth, but she's brushed me off each time with a hey, babe, busy, busy, speak later. I scan the gallery and spot Holly still talking to Matias. I feel sick that I haven't been honest with her.

I disappear through the staff entrance and into Felix's office. As much as I don't want to have this conversation tonight, I can't leave it any longer. Lying to both Holly and Eva is eating away at me. If Holly can leave an unhappy relationship and fly across the world, I can have a difficult conversation with someone I'm no longer in love with.

By the time I'm in the office, the ringing stops, but within seconds it starts again. I slide the call answer icon. ‘Hiya.'

‘Hi,' Eva says quietly.

I take a deep breath. ‘I've been waiting for you to call me back all day. Eva, I need to talk to y?—'

‘Daddy's in hospital,' she sniffs.

‘What?'

‘He was in a car accident.'

‘Oh, God. Is he okay?'

She lets out a small sob. ‘We're not sure.'

‘Shit. What happened?'

‘I don't know. We haven't been able to speak to him.'

‘But is it serious? Is he conscious?' I ask.

She sniffs again. ‘We're not sure. We're waiting to see him and the doctor.'

I lean my head back against the wall and close my eyes.

‘Can you come back, please?' she says. ‘You don't have to stay there for the rest of the week, do you?'

‘Oh, I'm not sure?—'

‘Casey, I need you!'

‘Um…' Fuck. ‘It's just that?—'

‘Oh my God. Seriously?'

I cave. ‘Okay. Yes. I'll … I'll come home.'

‘Thank you. See you tomorrow, then.'

‘Tomorrow? I'm supposed to be working here tom?—'

‘Casey! Dad's in hospital! Can't you just support me?'

An ugly twist deep in my gut forces me to sit down. ‘Fine. I'll come home tomorrow.'

She sniffs again and there's a murmur as she talks to her mum. ‘I need to go. The doctor is calling us.'

My throat is scratchy and dry, blocked with the words I'd rehearsed all day. ‘Let me know how he is. I'll sort a flight in the morning.' I drop my phone onto the table and press the heels of my hands to my forehead. ‘Fuck.' I throw my head back. ‘Fuuuck.' I jump up and pace the office, hoping the movement will spark a solution to my dilemma. Then I stop short; it's clear what I need to do – return to London and tell Eva the truth.

With a sick stomach, I head back out to the gallery. Holly is still chatting with Matias, the glow of the spotlight above giving her a golden aura. I have no idea what this is between us; all I know is that I can't lose her again. I wanted to tell her the truth tonight. I planned to have the conversation with Eva and then tell Holly everything, but I can't tell her now and then leave in the morning. The risk of her disappearing is too great.

I make my way over and Holly's face brightens when she sees me. ‘There you are,' she says.

I grab her hand and take her to the side. ‘Listen. I … erm.' I take a breath. ‘I need to go home tomorrow.'

Her face falls and she places the wine glass on the table. ‘I thought you were here for a few more days at least.'

‘So did I. Something's come up with … with a…' I clear my throat. ‘A friend. Their family.'

‘Oh. Jaz?'

‘No, not Jaz.'

She releases herself from my grip and steps back, confusion and hurt in her eyes. ‘Please tell me this isn't it for us.'

I grab her hand again. ‘God, no.' I think fast. ‘Come to London when your Airbnb is up at the end of the week, yeah? Can you do that? I mean, do you want to do that?'

She softens. ‘You want me to be with you in London?'

‘Of course. If that's what you want?'

She rolls her eyes. ‘I think I've made it very clear what I want.'

Even though I said it on the fly, now the offer is out there, it makes me realise it's exactly what I want, too. ‘Brilliant. You've already paid until the end of the week, right?'

‘Yep, until Saturday.'

‘Then stay and enjoy your time here and come over on the weekend. I'll be at work all week anyway and be working late every night to catch up after being away.'

She beams. ‘Okay, Berlin this week, London next.'

I clutch her face and kiss her. ‘And we still have tonight.'

She sighs against my mouth. ‘And we still have tonight.'

‘Hey, lovers,' Felix says, approaching us. ‘We're going to a bar afterwards if you want to join us?'

Holly and I exchange a questioning glance and both nod.

‘Felix and I will finish up and we'll go enjoy the rest of our night, yeah?' I say to Holly.

She picks up her glass, her eyes dancing and her cheeks flushed. ‘We will.'

I see out artists and guests, and peer over at Holly every now and then. She's glowing even more since I asked her to come to London, but my head has started to throb with the stress of what the coming week might bring.

Half an hour later, the four of us are in a bar, nursing drinks and chatting about how well the night went, the artists and the most popular pieces. Holly talks about the photographs, telling us about techniques the photographers used. Felix, and Matias in particular, being a hobbyist photographer, are enthralled.

When Holly disappears to the bathroom and Matias goes to the bar, Felix gives me a wry smile across the table.

‘What?' I ask, sensing what's coming.

‘Now I see why it's complicated.'

My eyes dart around the bar, ensuring the coast is clear. ‘Mmhmm.'

‘It's not any of my business,' he says with the tone of someone who absolutely thinks it's his business, ‘but I'm curious as to why Eva is on Instagram talking about your upcoming wedding, and you're here with another woman.' He pauses. ‘One who is obviously completely in love with you, and' – he lifts a brow – ‘you look totally besotted yourself.'

I glance towards the bathroom, checking for Holly. ‘I'm going home tomorrow and I'm ending it with Eva. Which I had planned to do days ago, but then I ran into Holly. We know each other from years ago and well, I kind of got side-tracked.'

‘Holly doesn't know about Eva?'

I shake my head and a guilty, shameful heat crawls over my face. ‘I will tell her, but not tonight. I don't want to ruin tonight. I'd really appreciate it if you didn't mention it.'

‘Of course I won't; it's not my place. But don't you follow each other on socials?'

I shrug. ‘We've been together since Friday night when we ran into each other, so we haven't needed anything but phone numbers. Look, I haven't handled this the best way, and now I wish I'd said something sooner, but seeing Holly again was so unexpected. I've thought about her for years, and, well, it's a long story. I'm not avoiding it; I just need to tell her my way – get the timing right.'

He sips the last of his beer and considers me for a long moment. ‘I think you're going to have some fireworks when you get home, and if you like Holly as much as it looks like you do, then…' He grimaces.

‘Yeah. Cheers for that reminder.' I spot Holly coming out from the toilets. She stops at the bar to help Matias. ‘I'll sort it. Anyway, you got any spliffs? Couldn't exactly bring some in my luggage.'

He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a cigarette packet, sliding it across the table. ‘Take two.'

‘Ta.' I hand over some euros and tuck two joints into my coat pocket.

When Holly sits, she takes a sip of wine, and a new song begins. ‘Oh, I love this track.' She slides her hand over my thigh. ‘Dance with me.'

The bar isn't overly crowded, being a Tuesday night, and there isn't a dancefloor, but I take her hand and lead her to the small area in the middle of the tables. I pull her close, wrapping my arms around her hips. She lays her head on my shoulder and slides her hands under my shirt, resting them in the small of my back. I've already become attached to her touch; I don't want to spend any longer than I have to without it.

‘I feel lost without you already,' she says.

I dip my head to kiss the bare skin on her shoulder. ‘I don't want to leave you. I really don't.'

She replies with a lingering kiss; her tongue finds mine and everything inside me weakens. She pulls away and brushes her lips against my ear. ‘I don't care that I only just found you again, I can't ever lose you.' Her voice is so soft that I barely catch it, but then my brain registers her words and my heart crushes.

‘Holly. I?—'

But she kisses me again and says, ‘Let's go.'