21. Casey, Berlin

Almost two hours later, after a stop by my hotel room for a change of clothes, we're sitting at a café off Münzstrasse sharing eggs, sausages and French toast with brown butter.

Holly leans back in her chair and stretches her legs, bare from the mid-thigh. ‘I feel amazing.'

‘You've had about four brain-shattering orgasms in the past twelve hours. I'm not surprised.' I smirk and take a bite of French toast.

Her face splits into a grin, and she has a lovely shimmery glow about her. ‘Is that what it is?'

I nod, my mouth full. ‘Mmhmm.'

‘What about you?' she asks, leaning over to get some French toast for herself.

‘I had about five.'

She chuckles. ‘I mean, how do you feel?'

I run my hand up her thigh, my fingertips slipping under the hem of her denim skirt. ‘Incredible.' I want to say more, tell her how my heart is pounding, how I feel complete in a way I haven't since I first met her, but the words catch in my throat.

She narrows her eyes. ‘What are you thinking? You look like you want to say something.'

I gaze at her for a long moment. ‘Just how lovely you are. Natural. I like that.' I can't help but compare her to Eva, who'd grunt about eating greasy eggs and fat sausages, and who would've spent hours preening herself before going out, then be glued to her phone or filming herself. There's none of that with Holly. She just has an enthusiasm and curiosity for everything around her, like she's rediscovering herself and life after being tied down the past decade. ‘How about you?' I ask. ‘What are you thinking?'

She takes the last bite of sausage and considers me while she chews. She swallows and pushes the plate away. ‘You really want to know?'

‘Erm … I think so?'

‘I was thinking that life has put us together twice now, and that's fate. Being in the same city at the same time is fate. Thinking about each other at the same time is fate. So we owe it to ourselves to give this longer than two weeks and to not disappear from each other's lives when it gets too hard.'

My brows rise. ‘Wow. Okay. I thought you were going to say you wanted another coffee or something.'

She shrugs. ‘I can't wonder about what-ifs anymore. In a way, you ruined me for everyone else, and I've found you again. I'm sorry if that's too much for you, but I'm thirty-one; I want to find my person. And maybe you're it and maybe you're not, but the way I feel right now is that I want to at least try to work out what you are. So please, please don't run away from me this time.'

I blink at her.

She cocks her head. ‘Anything to say to that?'

‘Um. Ditto.'

Her brows knit, but she laughs. ‘Okay. That's how it's going to be. A line from a film that's older than us.'

I shrug. ‘Ghost is Mum's favourite movie, so I heard it a lot growing up. It's a great response to so many things.'

‘Mmm, okay, Miss Ditto, but I have your number. I know where your hotel room is. I know the name of the art galleries where you work, and I know your parents have a butcher's shop in Stratford. I'll find you, Casey Vassell.'

‘Ah.' I wince. ‘About that…'

Her mouth presses into a tight line.

‘That's not my last name.'

Her brows shoot up. ‘You gave me a false last name?'

‘It's not false,' I say quickly. ‘It's just not mine. It's my friend's.' I shake my head with a groan. ‘That was a stupid thing to do. I think I was trying to be mysterious and cool or something?'

She rolls her eyes. ‘Probably. You did a lot of that.'

‘Sorry. Mine is Miller-James.'

She watches me and I think she's about to tell me to do one, but she says, ‘I was a bit full-on that day. It was too much, especially since we'd only known each other a couple of weeks. I'm not surprised you freaked out.' Her face relaxes. ‘You forgot my last name, didn't you? Otherwise, you could've found me before last week.'

I nod. ‘Yeah. I vaguely remember you mentioned it when you told me a story about your lecturer, but we'd only known each other a few hours by then, and I was so focused on how lovely you were and how much I wanted to kiss you that I wasn't really listening. It just didn't seem important at the time, you know?'

Holly shakes her head at me, but she has a wry smile. ‘Well, what's done is done. And we've got the chance now, Casey Miller-James,' she says, cupping my cheeks. I love the feel of her hands on my face, like they belong, like they've always belonged. Her phone buzzes on the table, and my eyes flick down, but I can't read the name. She picks up her phone, then drops it back on the table with a grunt.

‘Everything okay?' I ask.

‘Yeah. It's just…' She gives an annoyed huff. ‘Stuff at home. I didn't want to talk about it, but?—'

‘You don't need to tell me anything,' I say quickly, sensing relationship drama that I definitely don't want to discuss today.

‘It's just my ex.'

‘Oh.' I'm suddenly interested. ‘Your ex.'

She huffs again. ‘He keeps texting, calling, wanting to work things out, trying to get me to go home.'

‘Your ex is a he?' The handsome lad called Tom comes to mind.

‘Uh-huh. You knew I was bi, right?'

‘Yeah, I did. But seriously, you don't have?—'

‘He just won't get the message it's over.' She bites her bottom lip. ‘Doesn't stop me feeling guilty, though.'

I nod, my own guilt rising up. ‘I take it you're not rushing home to sort it?'

Holly makes a face. ‘God, no. I'm having to be really blunt with him now and I don't like doing that.'

I pat her thigh. ‘I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Anything I can do?'

She smiles coyly. ‘There's lots you can do, but we'd get arrested if we did that here.'

I giggle. Like, a proper girly giggle. Fucking hell, who am I right now? I clear my throat, try to find my normal adult laugh.

‘How about you?' she asks.

‘How about me what?'

‘Well, we didn't get around to talking much after dinner last night. Any ex drama you want to tell me about?'

I quickly look away, rubbing the back of my neck.

‘Casey?'

Tell her. I take a deep breath and shift in my seat so that I'm facing her, ready to tell the truth. She watches me, her eyes wide, and underneath that bravery and determination, there's something so fragile, something just a little bit broken. Like a drinking glass with a tiny chip – you're not sure if it can cope with more use, or if one more knock will turn the chip into a crack. I can't do it. I can't destroy this moment when she looks so vulnerable and hopeful all at once. Not today. ‘Nothing I want to tell you about.'

Her shoulders drop and she beams, her face bright and full of possibilities. I snap a mental image for the future, knowing that whatever happens, then at least on this day I didn't break her again.

She holds up her phone. ‘You know what? I've been nice enough to Tom now. He needs to deal with it. I don't want him to ruin our day.' Her fingers fly across the screen, ending in a jab. Then she throws it into her bag. ‘There. Sorry about that.'

I hang my head, shamefaced. ‘No problem.'

‘I want to get some good shots today.' She pulls out her camera. ‘I might post a couple on Insta.'

My head snaps up. I was so caught up in us I forgot about social media. I point behind me. ‘Just need the bathroom, then we'll go, yeah?'

‘Sure. No hurry.'

I rush through the busy café to the toilets, lock myself in a cubicle, dig my headphones out of my bag and FaceTime Jaz.

After four rings, she answers with a yawn. ‘Hiya.' She's still in her pyjamas, curls popping in all directions. ‘Glad you're still alive.'

‘I'm alive. I'm very alive. And I've fucked up.'

‘Already? It hasn't even been twenty-four hours.'

‘It's just been this whirlwind night, and we hardly spoke before we?—'

Jaz snorts. ‘Fucking hell, Case, you work faster than me.'

‘This is different. It was so … intense. We had dinner, and our past love lives didn't come up, then I went to tell her about Eva, seriously, it was right there, and next thing she's kissing me, and … well … you know what happens next.'

‘Mate, what is it with you being pussy-whipped? Are you incapable of speaking when you're about to get some?'

‘It's a bit of a weakness, I guess.'

She rolls her eyes and swigs from a mug.

I continue. ‘Holly just told me about her ex and asked if I had anything to tell her, and I kind of said no,' I say through a wince.

Jaz gapes at me.

‘I went to, but she looked so broken, man. You should've seen her face. She's so beautiful, yeah, and her eyes were all sad, and?—'

‘Oh, wow,' Jaz says, hand up to stop me talking. ‘You have well and truly fucked this up already, girl.'

I groan. ‘But we had the most brilliant night and this brilliant morning, and I didn't want to ruin it and break her all over again.'

‘You still haven't broke it off with Eva. She's been on Insta with the wedding planner, bangin' on about the chef.'

I grimace. ‘Holly just mentioned posting on Insta and now I'm paranoid she'll somehow come across Eva before I've had a chance?—'

‘Look. I get it,' Jaz says, ignoring me. ‘You've lived in the fantasy of what-if for years, and you've just found each other again. You're caught up in the romance of it all. But this bubble ain't reality, mate. And Eva's planning a wedding – a fucking wedding. You need to end it quickly. And if things continue with Holly, which I really hope they do for both your sakes, you think she's not going to find out? Enjoy your day, but tell both of them over the weekend at least.' Her eyes are filled with concern, and I don't want to let her down.

‘Okay. I will.' An incoming call flashes on my screen. ‘Fuck, Eva's calling me now.'

‘You might want to take that.' Jaz wiggles her fingers at me. ‘Later, lover girl.'

‘Later, Jazzy Jaz.' I end the call, take a deep breath and answer. ‘Hiya.'

‘Hi,' Eva purrs. ‘When are you coming home?'

A heaviness lodges in my chest. ‘Um … Thursday or something? The opening isn't until Tuesday night.'

‘Thursday? I wanted us to meet up with the chef on Wednesday night.'

This is it. Ending an almost year-and-a-half relationship from a toilet cubicle in another country. ‘About that,' I start.

‘Oh,' she says. ‘Dante's calling. I've been trying to catch them all morning. Have to take this. Talk to you later.'

‘Eva, wait!'

But she's gone. I stare at the phone, mouth agape, the words I wanted to say hanging in the stale air of the cubicle. I don't want to talk to her later. I don't want this day interrupted, because who knows what will happen afterwards? It might be my only chance to enjoy this time with Holly. With guilty fingers, I switch off my phone and head back outside.

Holly looks up from her camera, brightening when she sees me. ‘Thought you'd crawled out the window or something.'

‘Sorry. Was on the phone to my bestie.'

‘Oh?'

‘Yeah. Jaz – Jasmine. We grew up next door to each other.' I give her a sheepish look. ‘Her last name is Vassell.'

‘Ah, that's where it comes from. She was your best mate when we met.' She turns pensive. ‘It was one of the few things you told me about yourself.'

There's a tiny crack in my heart that she remembers that. ‘I'm sorry I didn't tell you more.'

She gives a rueful shrug and her demeanour shifts. ‘Anyway, nice to know she's still your best mate.'

‘She's an amazing friend. I think you'll get on.'

She breaks into a smile. ‘Does that mean I'm meeting her?'

I give her a soft, lingering kiss. ‘I hope so.'