20. RAVEN

20

RAVEN

Her clothes off within seconds, Maddy turns onto her stomach on my bed. I love the sight of her naked, stretched out on my dark-gray sheets. Even more so when she follows my instructions like she does now.

“Rave—”

“Shh,” I tell her as I get between her legs and cup her pussy from behind, nudging her up. “Up, up, on your knees. Like that, yes. Perfect.”

I stroke her sweet ass that’s up in the air for me to do what I like with it. And it’s swaying a little under my palms. Maddy is horny.

She starts saying something else, but her words morph into a mewl when I do a slow thorough lick from her pussy, up between her butt cheeks, and end it at her tailbone with a soft kiss.

She exhales with a strained, “Ah. Rave, you are trying to distract me?—”

“Shh,” I quiet her, opening her pussy lips with my fingers for a gentle assault with my tongue. “Of course, I am. No more talking right now.”

I start pleasuring her, alternating between licks and kisses, using my lips, tongue, fingers. We might’ve agreed that I will ask her what she wants. But that’s outside the bedroom. In bed, her body tells me exactly what she needs. She’s an open book and completely unfazed about it.

I play with her ass, kissing her hips, when she starts turning and sits up, facing me.

“Undress,” she commands, her cheeks rosy, hair a mess, determination in her eyes.

See? That anger—she wants to take it out by being bossy.

Yes, ma’am.

“Someone is impatient,” I tease her, giving her a little show as I stand on my knees, pull my shirt over my head, and toss it aside.

Maddy is watching, her hungry gaze roaming my exposed skin.

“More.” She gives my jeans a backward nod.

I lay down on my back and get rid of my jeans and boxers. Her eyes catch every bare inch of me, latching onto my cock, hard and bobbing in the air. Her lips are slightly parted, wanting to wrap around it. I learned some time back that Maddy likes playing with my cock, and she is creative with it too.

But before she can take charge, I gently push her onto her back and pin her hands above her head.

There. Her body is stretched right next to me, and she’s not even trying to escape my hold. I know she just wanted to get me naked. Maddy enjoys when I play with her.

I kiss her lips, then trail kisses down her neck. Meanwhile, my hand plays with her body, squeezing, touching, stroking, sneaking between her legs, playing with her pussy. But I don’t let it stay there long. As soon as my touch disappears from there, Maddy’s thighs open wider, asking for more of it. But my hand just rests on her belly now as I kiss her breasts.

I love teasing her. We are back to thoughtful sex.

For the first several days since I’ve been back, we were so desperate for each other that we fucked in every corner of my place and her place. We left Sonny on the couch watching TV with Ali numerous times while we made an excuse and drove to my alcove so we could fuck like brainless rabbits while our security guards waited at the end of the rocky path, down by the beach, guarding us. I went down on her in the medical center bathroom several times. She blew me right there too. We embarrassingly got caught by one of the nurses in one of the patient rooms as Maddy bobbed on my cock right on the examination table.

But we are slowing down. Sex grows calmer and more thoughtful.

Right now, I’m a cat playing with my little mouse. I still hold her hands pinned, playing with her body as she impatiently shifts and squirms under my touch. My hand strokes her inner thigh while Maddy tries to push her pussy toward it. Then I push her onto her side as I trail kisses down her back. My fingers bring the moisture from her soaked pussy up between her butt cheeks and rub that sensitive spot that makes Maddy moan as I kiss behind her ear.

And then I rest my hand on her hip while she protests, trying to wiggle out of my hold because she wants to fuck, wants to be penetrated, in any way, however I choose, as long as she gets more of me.

My dick is so fucking hard with need that I turn her onto her back again, release her hands, then straddle her chest and feed my cock into her pretty mouth. Her hands grip my ass, nudging me up. I lean onto my hands above her head, and in a moment, I’m sliding my cock between her pretty lips, slowly fucking her mouth, bucking my hips at her.

Weeks ago, that was enough. Weeks ago, I could come and, in a minute, carry on fucking her. Round two, three. Exercise, remember? But now, I crave touching and kissing and fucking at the same time. That’s the difference between kinky sex and lovemaking. The first only requires body parts. The second takes all of you—your feelings, heart, attitude, your mind that craves to have the entirety of the other person.

I want all of Maddy, every part of her, and I want her to feel me all around her.

I pull out of her mouth so fast that she gasps in surprise, but in a heartbeat, I shimmy down her body and take her mouth in a kiss so deep that she moans, then mewls again and wraps her limbs around me as I bring the tip of my cock to her entrance and sheathe inside her soaked pussy.

I don’t care that it’s vanilla. Nothing feels as good as Maddy flush against me, closer than any human ever has been, holding on to me like she’s about to lose me again.

Maddy is the girl who makes the missionary position exquisite. Astonishing, right?

Everything morphs into a surreal cocktail of sensations. The warmth of her body. How tight she is around me. Her sensual mouth. Her demanding tongue. The whispers between the kisses, though I can’t make out the words because I’m dizzy and my cock is about to explode. So is my heart, and I think she’s saying something in Russian.

She doesn’t hold back when she comes. Not anymore. Maddy is unhinged. Or maybe that’s Milena. She moans loudly, arches her back off the mattress, lifts her hips, fucking herself into my cock to prolong her orgasm, then sets her feet on my hips to open herself wider for me and rubs her pussy impatiently as she brings herself to her second orgasm while I fuck her, amazed, amused, in total awe, enjoying the best view of my girl thoroughly using me for her pleasure.

I don’t stop moving after I come, even though Maddy has stopped moaning and clenching around my cock. I carry on for several long thrusts, until my limbs feel numb and my heart is ready to jump out of my chest and my body feels boneless and we are both sweating and Maddy’s hands, stroking my back, slow down and slide into my hair. Only then do I stop. But I don’t pull out right away. I kiss her shoulder and sag against her, letting her gentle touch do the magic of calming my heart.

I love you , I want to say, the words still scary and cowering in the corner of my heart. It’s easy to say them when she is panting in my arms and coming down off an orgasm and my face is buried in her hair. It’s a different story when a minute later, her pretty browns are on me, and I feel exposed like never before. This beautiful girl deserves all the praise and love in the world. And I have it for her, more than I can handle. I just have to practice more. Everything needs time, including bravery.

I finally move to lie next to her on my stomach, my forearms cushioning my head, and close my eyes.

My bed smells like her, her perfume, the fruity lotion that she uses, her coconut sunscreen. Her socks are on the floor by my bed. Her toothbrush is in my bathroom. She is here. She stayed here while I was gone. Our kid—I just decided I’m going to call Sonny that, ours —is coming over in an hour or so. The scenario is bewildering.

Maddy shifts next to me, and I feel the gentle touch of her fingers on my shoulders, tracing the tattoo lines. They move lower, to my back, then shift onto my left bicep, tracing the raven’s wing, then do the same to the right one.

“Look at you,” she whispers.

I smile, not opening my eyes. “Who are you talking to?”

“Shh. Talking to the raven.”

I stifle a chuckle. “Yeah? What about?”

“Telling him he is mine.”

My heart booms in my chest, making me open my eyes and rise on my forearms. I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her into me for a kiss. I want her breathless, so that when I pull away, she has a moment to think before she repeats it.

“He is yours. If you are sure,” I say, just wanting to hear it one more time.

“I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life, Raven.”

“Even if I tell you what I did back in Port Mrei?”

She tilts her head, then leans to kiss the corner of my mouth. “Tell me.”

Not sure why I just said that. She told me she wants to know my stories. And if I don’t tell her my darker ones, how do I know that she loves the right person and not just the idealistic image of me?

“What if you change your mind about me?” I probe.

“I won’t. You should know better.”

“I killed many men back in Port Mrei,” I confess.

I expect a response, a judgment.

She treats me with silence.

“I never killed anyone until Zion,” I say. “When things went down right after the Change, a group of you went to the East Side. You didn’t see what happened. How Port Mrei revolted against Ayana. How the first dispatch of mercenaries came to Zion. What they did in Port Mrei to those who looted. What they did to the Savages who took Olivia. Even then I didn’t resort to the worst. We had people for that, the guards. But a week ago, I made it my mission to find Skiba. Because he dared touch you. He was supposed to protect you but turned out to be a traitor. If I had time, I would’ve tortured him. In the worst way. I’ve never done it before, but I would’ve done it to him.”

I go quiet and study Maddy’s face for reaction. But I can’t figure out what she thinks.

“I was twelve when I snuck away from a New Year’s party at our mansion, full of guests,” she says. “Into the wine cellar. I hid around the corner and watched my father as he tied one of the men who betrayed him to a chair. That man gave away some sensitive info that cost my father a lot of money. But most importantly ruined one of his close friends. That same man slept with that friend’s wife. He ruined a family—that was the story. So, my father tied him to a chair, then put a liquor bottle between his legs, and shot at it with a pellet gun. The guy bled to death. Some New Year it was.”

“You think I am like your father?”

“No, Rave. There is a difference between killing for cruelty and killing as a necessity or self-defense. My father once said that every person is capable of murder, it’s just a matter of circumstances. The Change became a perfect example. But my father uses cruelty as a weapon and scare tactics. He can be merciful. Oh, he can be. And kind. He donated millions to charity, you know? Built schools. Built a church in Russia. He belongs to a peculiar type of men who think they can decide who deserves to die and who is worthy of kindness. Both sides of them are extreme. It’s a God complex. You are capable of a lot of kindness, Rave—that’s what you and him have in common. Cruelty? No.”

She is one of the very few who has that much faith in me. Mac was the first one who made me feel like I wasn’t the worst example of what could grow out of a foster kid. Because of him, I learned appreciation and care. Maddy is that tenfold.

“I’ve wanted a lot of things in my life,” I say. “Gotten some of it. Most of it, actually. But I never needed anything. Not even a family. Until you.” My body is burning up again, purging itself with feelings. “I need you so I can feel sane, Maddy. So I can do something good, hope for a better future, make it better for others, Sonny and you most of all. Hope that I can do that. Hope that I won’t fail. For that, I need to feel like a worthy human. I need you, Maddy, just to be able to feel that.”

Finally, I love something more than I loved hating where I came from—her.

I pull her into me, and her soft kiss on my neck unravels my heart.

I close my eyes, feeling and feeling and feeling—the way her nose rubs agains my skin, the way she puckers her lips to press little kisses on my collar bone, the way she whispers, “I got you.”

And then my bravery is back, and I bring my face close to hers, our eyes only inches apart, and I say, “I love you. More than anything.”

A little smile lingers on her lips, and her whisper is capable of thawing a hundred icy hearts. “I know.”

A chuckle escapes me. God, she makes it so much easier to breathe in this suffocating world…

We gaze at each other in silence. She blinks slowly. She doesn’t say a word, but I can hear so many of them, all of it in her gaze. It’s a lovers’ language—feelings that seep from her into the air, penetrate my skin, flow into my heart. My heart feels bigger than my chest. I need a razor to cut it open and release the pressure inside.

Maddy.

Milena.

I used to meditate to her names, obsessing over them.

Mahala. She is a gift of love.

Mantra. I say her name like one, hoping she never disappears.

Meaning. She is the meaning of life.

Melting. At her touch. Under her gaze.

Miracle. I found her kind heart in the darkest times.

Mother… I don’t know the meaning of that word, but I want to have children with her one day. Unlike me, they’ll know what a mother is.

I lift my finger and stroke her underarm where her birth control implant is.

She chuckles through her nose, then freezes, her smile waning.

I want it out. But I can’t say it yet.

Life is short. Decisions are fast. This might be too quick. I might be in over my head. But I’ve never been so sure of anything. I want to live a lifetime with her.

I start from afar. Step by step, right?

“What do you say about moving here?” I ask.

“Rave,” she whispers with a momentary confusion in her eyes, but her lips start spreading in a smile.

“You know, I can keep an eye on you anywhere.” I got my phone back, but somehow, I don’t check on her whereabouts constantly, knowing that she won’t hide, won’t play games. In truth, we’ve been together every spare minute we get outside the Center and her work. “I think my heart will constantly go into emergency mode if I don’t have you close to me whenever I possibly can.”

She laughs. “Your heart, huh?”

“Yeah, that dirty little thing, covered in dust and mold. It got incredibly attached to you.”

She laughs even louder, her mouth open, just like she used to on videos. And the sight of it makes that dirty little thing in my chest pulsate with all sorts of feelings, because she looks happy, with me.

“Rave, your heart is a beautiful beast,” she says. “You just didn’t know it. Or didn’t have anyone to open it to.”

“It’s yours, Maddy.”

“I know,” she whispers. “I wouldn’t have you any other way.”