21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Elias

Nineteen Years of Age

T he hockey party was in full swing, drinks flowing and typical male banter making the air buzz around me. I found myself speaking like them—trading stories of their latest conquests while I knew I was a clueless virgin. Shane was talking to girl after girl, though his eyes kept straying to me as if he were checking on me. He was so confident that I decided to follow suit. My attempt with Chloe felt like so long ago—and the thought alone had my stomach plummeting. There was nothing more embarrassing than a girl continuing to try and get your dick hard and it doesn't get the message. Believe me, Chloe tried.

But I was determined to lose my virginity. Maybe if it realized what it was missing, it would wake up. I glanced at the girl to my left. She was pretty: brown eyes and long, dark hair. She was curvy with a nice smile. If the subtle touches and her laugh as anything to go by, she seemed interested. I downed another shot of liquid courage and wrapped my arm around her. “Want to go upstairs?”

When she smiled and nodded, I took her hand and gave Jarman a wink before leading her to my room upstairs. I told my pounding heart to quit being silly. Though when I shut my bedroom door and my dick hadn’t gotten the memo, I had to get creative.

“You know what I would love to do?” I tried to sound seductive, and she didn't cringe so that was a start.

“What?” she panted.

“I want to watch you strip and warm yourself up for me while I do the same.”

Judging by the heat in her eyes, she liked that idea. I watched intently as she undressed and relaxed on my bed. I stroked myself as her hand slipped between her legs and it worked, my body comfortable with my own touch. It was enough for me to jump over the edge and lose my virginity. I just closed my eyes and tried to focus on the sensations themselves. It was…enough. Though as she came down from her high and I laid there staring at the ceiling, I couldn’t help but wonder what all the fuss was about.

Present

I lied down on the ice, staring up at the rafters and fighting the urge to squirm with the cold seeping into my clothes. My breath came in deep heaves, chest aching—and I missed that feeling. It hit me then how much I had suppressed a huge part of myself since graduation. I wondered where I went wrong, when I lost sight of who I was—when I started hating who I was. Shane had gone to collect our food delivery and the absence of his charming smile and warm eyes had me questioning everything again.

Except him.

“Sweetheart?” The sound of that name was like that first glide on the ice, smooth and calming and making me shiver.

Shane wore his trainers now, and I felt him approaching before he laid beside me. He looked to the rafters with a puzzled expression, as if he were trying to see what I saw. His hand moved, the back of it brushing against mine in silent request. My lips quirked and I offered him my palm. When his large hand engulfed mine, I couldn’t help but close my eyes and absorb the sensation. His hand in mine was a new blade clicking into my skate: a perfect fit .

“I wasn’t going to delve into heavy shit tonight, but right now your mind is really loud.”

I grimaced. “Sorry; it does this a lot lately.”

His hand squeezed mine. “No need to say sorry, but do you want to talk it out?”

I watched my breath dance in front of me, counting the clouds as I mustered the strength. “I just… I don’t know how I got here, you know? I wonder how I was so blind to it all—even back in high school. I was so blissfully ignorant to everything around me, buzzing through life with an energy that seemed to come from nowhere. I was happy, you know? And then reality hit me like I face planted into a brick wall.”

Shane turned to look at me but I didn’t turn to meet his gaze. I knew that if I looked into his eyes, I would fall apart. “Shane, if I’d known how you felt—how it felt to be with you—I would have never let you go. My ignorance lost me the one person who seemingly was…me. Because I’m not myself without you, Shane. And I know you can’t build your identity around a person but somehow my happiness was us; our friendship. I was secure in the fact I would never be alone as long as I had you.”

“Eli, if I could go back in time and tell you I would. I was scared, I didn’t think you felt the same.”

I turned to him, seeing those pretty brown eyes glossy with unshed tears. Shane was a protector by nature. It was like some subconscious thing, a role he’d chosen for himself. Because of that, very few people had ever seen Shane Jarman cry. But I was the one person he felt comfortable showing his softer side to. My free hand came up to cup his face, loving the sensation of his scruffy beard against my palm.

“I’ve never been attracted to anyone this way.”

Shane’s eyes bounced between mine. I brought a finger up to smooth out the line between his brows. “I don’t follow,” he finally said.

I sighed, turning back to gazing at the rafters. “It's embarrassing. I’ve never been physically aroused by anyone—until you.”

Shane propped up on one elbow, hooking his finger under my chin to force my gaze back to his. “But Jen…”

I bit my lip and shook my head. “I hoped. I thought she was beautiful, she had an infectious kind of energy and I could admire her for hours. But when it came to the bedroom, I had to go into the bathroom and… prep. It wasn’t bad sex, but I guess I was happy being ignorant. My body was trying to tell me the truth.”

Shane’s eyes turned sad. “You know I never would have judged you for telling me that. It’s a lot for one person to handle—but there’s nothing wrong with not feeling sexual desire.”

“I’m a young, healthy man. It should be all I think about. I felt broken but I pushed it aside because to me, the emotional connection was more important. But when Jen and I moved in together that started to go too. I was clinging to anything I could get because being alone brought back everything I’d pushed down for so long.”

Shane traced his finger from my chin to my cheek in a soft sweep.

“Sweetheart, have you ever thought you may be demi-sexual? It may not be the physical parts that attract you to someone instantaneously… but what you feel here.”

His hand moved to tap my chest.

I’d never heard that term before but it felt… right. It felt like me.

“There’s no right or wrong way to how your body gets aroused. Just learn to listen to it, and do what feels right for you.”

My racing thoughts matched the thump of my heart. Because it was always him. Shane admitting he was in love with me was like a flick of a switch letting my body know he was safe, that he was mine . That sense of shame and inadequacy washed away.

I leant over and captured his mouth with mine, pouring every emotion I felt into that kiss and hoping he felt it.

“Let's eat.”

Shane groaned as I broke the kiss, mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like, “What if it’s you I want to eat?”

I don’t know if that was meant for my ears, but fuck I wanted that. I didn’t quite know what he meant by it, but my mind painted a vivid picture of his gorgeous lips wrapping around my cock. The bulge in my pants didn’t go unnoticed, so I didn’t hide pressing my palm to it.

Shane bit his lip in amusement, but his eyes were heated—which did nothing to help my situation. I started to think maybe things played out the way they did for a reason, because if we’d been doing this years ago I wouldn’t have been allowed in the locker rooms.

Small mercies I suppose.

We moved to the bleachers and before I could unlace my skates, Shane was lifting my legs onto his lap and doing it for me. His confident fingers effortlessly untied the laces and placed each skate beside us. Then his large hands began to massage my aching calves, burning from over exertion after way too much time off the ice. Filthy noises left my mouth, bouncing off the empty walls of the arena and if anyone were to walk in, they sure wouldn’t imagine anything wholesome going on.

“Keep doing that,” I moaned, and I was gifted with the rumble of laughter.

“Fine, but only if you feed me. I'm starving. You wore me out.”

I bit back the retort. I hoped I truly hadn’t exhausted him. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t hoped for a repeat of two nights ago, and I would love it if we could try something… more.

I grabbed our food and cut up Shane’s burger, making it easier for me to feed it to him bite by bite. We sat there in silence, Shane massaging my calves while I alternated feeding each of us. His hands worked magic on my calves, easing away the tension like a pro. And as we ate greasy food that was no doubt bad for us, I felt a sense of contentment wash over me, knowing that this was exactly where I wanted to be—sharing a simple meal with Shane, feeling completely at ease and in love.

We made our way back to the car, and I was hit with a sense of dread all over again. Shane’s hand curled possessively around my thigh on the drive home, and my silence must have alluded to my busy mind.

“Talk, sweetheart.” The demand was low and hit me where the worries were settling heavy in my tummy.

“I just feel like I said goodbye to skating again, that's all.” That's all. Like leaving that rink wasn’t making me feel like shutting down.

“Then don’t say goodbye. Listen to your heart. The guy in there, that's my Eli.”

I knew he was telling the truth, but that was half the problem. Hockey was my dream growing up, but Dad never stopped telling me I was destined for marketing. When it came to college, he paid for everything and let me play hockey. The only stipulation was that I studied marketing. I loved my dad, I really did, and all I ever wanted to do was please him. I was his only son, and he never let me forget that. He did everything in his power to make me excited to take on providing for a family like he had.

I just never realized how much those ideas created a lifestyle that I might not want. It was always, “One day when you have a wife and a family,” or, “you're a looker, you’ll be a heartbreaker someday.” Worst of all, “You're the man of the house. You need to have a career that can keep your family happy.”

It wasn’t until I left college, abandoning the person I was, that the crushing weight of those expectations settled on my shoulders. I needed hockey—I needed Shane . But I felt in too deep, like I’d never escape.

“You’ll figure it out, Eli. But all I ask is that you do what makes you happy, because it kills me not to see that smile.”

The way my clothes hung off my body made me agree with him. I was thinking clearly for the first time in months. That little dose of happiness washed away the dark clouds, and I was starting to see the path in front of me. The only thing was—I would have to shake the foundation my father built… to find out who I was meant to be.

Breaking that foundation had the potential to break my father’s heart—and ruin his plans for the future. I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to follow through.

Once the door shut behind us at Shane’s condo, I was vibrating with the need to do exactly as he asked. I was going to follow my heart—and it was leading me straight to him. Well, maybe not so straight. I huffed at my own thought, then tugged him by the hand to his bathroom. We both were damp from lying on the ice, and I was dying to well… just touch him.

Shane’s laughter sounded behind me, and I beamed at the sound. “What's this all about, Eli?”

“You, me, shower. Now.” Apparently, the blood rushing to my demanding cock meant I reverted to speaking like a caveman. I couldn’t find it in me to be poetic. I just hoped he was on the same waves as I was.

I squealed, being spun around as Shane kicked the bathroom door shut and lifted me onto the counter in one swift move.

“What do you want Eli?” he teased, lips dusting mine with the infuriating taunt of a kiss. “I’ve wanted you for so long, I don’t want to hurt you. I need you to tell me exactly what you want.” The huskiness of his voice, the warmth of his breath sent a thrill through my body. There was no one in this world I trusted more than Shane Jarman.

“I want you , Shane, I want you to show me what you like—everything you’ve ever dreamed of.”

He snarled, nipping at my bottom lip. “Fuck, Eli.”

“That too.”

His pupils were blown, his eyes appearing black with lust. “I, um…I don’t bottom Eli. It’s—”

“Then you don’t have to.” Though my revelations were fairly new, my dick really liked the idea of being taken by him .

“If you never want to, I’ll understand.”

A soft smile graced my lips, “I am not saying I won’t, but would it be a deal breaker if—”

“No. All I need is you, however you want to give yourself to me.”

I melted into him, leaning into the security of his arms around me. “I want all of you , Shane.”

His chest heaved as he fought for each breath. He shook his head. “I’m trying to figure out what good I did in the world to receive you, to hopefully call you mine.”

I tightened my legs around his waist, pulling him close. “I am yours. Now stop talking. I’ll tell you if something makes me uncomfortable.”

“Promise?”

“I promise. Now kiss me.” His lip kicked up in a smile before his mouth slotted over mine. I held him tight by his cheeks, not wanting to let him go. His hands tugged at my clothes, maddeningly making me separate from him long enough to strip me of the damp fabric. My nipples pebbled at the cold, but Shane’s hands were quick to trace them, covering them with his warmth.

I tried not to feel insecure about the loss of my definition, but the pleasured little sounds coming from Shane as his calloused thumbs brushed the pointed nubs washed away any doubts. I rocked into his touch, grinding our bulges together. Each breath was a struggle, my chest aching from the panting.

I pawed at his sweatshirt, growing impatient. We became a mess of roaming hands and mouths, the sounds of belts and zips filling the small room. I groaned when I had to lose my spot on the counter to get my jeans off, but then we were standing in front of each other entirely naked. There was no moonlight to hide his figure then. I could shamelessly admire every hardline of his huge body, a body I knew could engulf me, own me.

I liked that. Scratch that, I loved it .

I lunged, closing the small gap between us. Shane’s large hands snaked around me, gripping my hips and clenching my ass, a possessive move that made my breath hitch.

Turns out I liked possessiveness.

I smoothed over his arms, up his shoulders and rubbed over the hair at his nape, the prickling sensation sending shocks of electricity through my body.

“Your touch drives me crazy,” Shane growled into my neck, latching on and sinking his teeth into my skin.

Add that to the list: I liked a little bit of pain. I was starting to wonder what my cock didn’t like when it came to Shane— because right then I was dripping with precome just from his presence alone. He hadn’t even laid a hand on me yet.

Shane scooped me up by his grip on my ass, backing us into the shower. He let me go to turn the water on, and cold water piercing my back like a thousand tiny needles made me yelp.

“I like it when you squeal, little Mouse.”

His voice had taken a gruff edge, showing me a side to Shane I’d never seen before. I often wondered what playboy Shane was like but the thought of him with other men threatened to ruin the moment. There was an air of experience to him, a sexual aura—and it drove me wild. It made me weak in the knees, and I wanted to capture that low rumble to play on a loop.

Warm water finally cascaded down my body, and the addition of even warmer hands had me sighing in relief.

I lost myself in the moment as Shane took charge washing me, and eventually I got to return the favor, learning the spots where his body shivered under my touch. He wrapped his arm around me, pulling a gasp right out of me with the brush of his finger between my cheeks. It was an unfamiliar sensation, but my body fizzled in appreciation like the feel of fizzy alcohol hitting my blood stream. He continued to brush the spot, doing nothing more than letting me adjust to the sensation.

“D-d-did you know something about nerve endings?” I stuttered.

Shane looked at me, his smile fighting against the tug on his lips.

“What fact does that wonderful brain have about nerve endings, my sweet Mouse?”

My heart flipped, because even in the mix of sex he wouldn’t tell me to shut up.

“When someone touches your skin, specialized nerve endings called mechanoreceptors detect the pressure, vibration, and other tactile sensations. These mechanoreceptors then send electrical signals through nerve fibers to the brain, where the sensations are interpreted and processed. This process allows us to feel and respond to touch.”

Shane’s thumb rolled over my bottom lip, said nerves going haywire. “Is that so?”

“Mmhmm…D-do you know why that came to mind?”

Shane closed in, his skin brushing mine as if to test that theory. He leaned in and ghosted a kiss across my lips. “Why, sweetheart?”

My heart fluttered.“B-beacause I’ve felt like mine have been dormant all my life, lying in wait for over two decades for your touch.”

His lips slammed into mine, lighting up every single one of those mechanoreceptors. I shut down that part of my brain because it wasn’t entirely sexy. But what was sexy, however, was Shane moving down my body, kissing down my chest, my stomach, my hips… until he sank to his knees on the tiles. He peered up at me, water clinging to those dark lashes and making his eyes shine. The sight of him before my hard dick having me holding in my breath for something new and amazing that I wanted.

“God, Shane… babe, please.”

Hislip quirked.“ Please what, sweetheart?”

“Please, please,” was all I could manage to get out, the sight of him making words impossible.

“I need your words, little Mouse. Do you want me to suck your beautiful cock?”

I gaped. Oh, I really did love this side of Shane. I nodded so fast my head spun. “Words,” he demanded.

“Please suck my cock, Shane,”

He moaned, licking his lips as he sized up my length. I cried out when he traced a path up my shaft with his tongue, from my balls straight to the tip and dipping into my slit to collect as much precome as he could. It had my eyelids fluttering and my heart thumping.

“God, I knew you would taste amazing.”

The feeling of him sucking me down had me throwing my head back, straining with the effort not to fuck into that wet heat. Shane groaned around me, one hand cupping my ass while the other dipped between my legs. I spared no shame in voicing my pleasure, the sounds ringing off the bathroom walls. Nothing made sense, that sinful mouth of his pulling nothing but gibberish and a string of profanities from my mouth. But when the tip of his finger breached my hole. Shane pulled off me and the mixture of his words and the sight of those dick-swollen lips had me doing exactly as he said. “Relax sweetheart; let me in.”

Shane swallowed me down, making me relax enough for his finger to plunge inside to the first knuckle. He brought me easily to the edge, licking and sucking while my hips rocked to take in more and more of his finger. He pulled back, adding a second, then curled those skilled digits. Lightning shot through my veins and my vision whited out. My orgasm slammed into me so hard my knees buckled. I blew down Shane’s throat and he licked up every drop like a man starved. With each pulse his throat constricted around me, the noises coming from him like that of someone eating a five-star meal.

I felt limp, every part of me buzzing but loose. But it was a sensation so new and wonderful that I wanted it forever—I wanted Shane forever.

“You alright, sweetheart?” I must have spaced out because Shane was no longer on his knees, instead holding me close to his chest.

“Sucked. Brains. Out. Pushed. Button. Broken.”

His laughter rumbled out of his chest. “I'll take that as you liked it. And that button is your prostate, and that was just the beginning of what I can do.”

An incomprehensible, “ nghh ,” came from my mouth.

“Let's get you laying down so your blood can flow back to your brain.” I could hear the amusement in his voice but I was too blissed out to care.

He lifted me into his arms bridal style and carried me out of the shower, placing me on the counter to dry me off. From there he took me to the bed and I peacefully drifted off, wrapped up in Shane’s warmth.