6. Clementine

Clementine

The first time I lost a patient, I couldn’t sleep for a week.

The second time, I cried like a baby.

It was the same for the third, fourth and fifth occurrences.

My job was rewarding but also full of pain and heartache, full of loss and broken families.

Like today…

“Dr. Warren, we need to call it,” Nurse Jones said, trying her best to rein me in.

But I kept my fingers connected and against the chest of the sixteen-year-old boy who I knew deep down wouldn’t wake. He was gone and it was all my fault.

“Dr. Wa—”

“I know,” I snapped, immediately regretting it as I stopped the compressions and glanced at the clock to rattle off his time of death.

I pulled my gloves off and stepped back from the bed, chest heaving. The room was silent except for the monotonous flatline of the heart monitor. Leaving without a word, I slumped against the wall outside the trauma room, my body tense.

That kid’s face was seared into my mind. He’d been so young, so full of potential, and now gone forever. I should have caught it sooner, should have pushed harder, should have...

"Clem."

James's voice cut through my spiraling thoughts. He was standing in front of me, concern etched on his face.

"I heard what happened. Are you okay?"

I nodded, the lie coming easily to my lips.

"I'm fine. Just need a minute."

But he knew me too well. He gently took my arm and led me to an empty on-call room, closing the door behind us. As soon as we were alone, the facade crumbled and a sob tore from my throat.

"It's not your fault," he murmured, fingers dancing at the back of my neck as he held me. "You did everything you could. We can’t save them all."

Logically speaking, I knew he was right but wished he’d say something else, anything else.

I took a breath and stepped back, deciding now wasn’t the time to get caught up in my feelings. There was a mother waiting to hear about her son and I had to go deliver that news as put together as possible.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, barely able to look him in the eyes. “I’m alright now.”

I wiped my tears away and straightened my scrubs, trying to regain my composure.

James watched me with a mix of concern and something else, frustration, maybe? He'd always struggled to understand my intense emotional reactions to losing patients.

"Are you sure you're okay to talk to the family?" he asked gently. "I can do it if you need more time."

"No, I need to do this. It's my responsibility."

He nodded and squeezed my shoulder before leaning in to press a kiss to my forehead.

"Alright. I'll be around if you need me."

Taking a deep breath, I left the on-call room and made my way to the waiting area. Tommy Green’s mother was there, pacing anxiously. When she saw me approach, her face fell, already sensing the news I was about to deliver.

It took everything in me to tell her, to answer her questions without breaking down, but somehow I managed and when it was all over my head and heart hurt more than it had before.

My steps were heavy as I made my way back to the on-call room and pushed open the door, half-expecting to find James waiting, ready with more words of comfort. But the room was empty.

Relief and guilt warred within me as I sat on the bottom bunk. Relief because I didn't have to put on a brave face for anyone right now. Guilt because shouldn't I want my fiancé's support?

I closed my eyes, letting my head fall back against the wall. All I needed was a few moments to myself and I’d be fine to finish the rest of my twelve hour shift.

But that moment never came.

My pager beeped and I sat up, checking the dated communication device I wished we’d move on from. Instead of calling the nurse’s station to see what they needed me for, I stood and washed my hands then left.

“Oh, you’re already back,” Nurse Jones said as I approached. “You can take some more time. I only wanted to let you know we have a possible wrist fracture in bed five.”

I smiled and tipped my head, searching her hazel eyes for animosity but not finding any.

“I’m sorry about snapping at you,” I told her, meaning it with all my heart. “It shouldn’t have happened.”

She smiled back and waved me off.

“Dr. Warren, everyone here knows how dedicated you are to this job. And we enjoy working alongside you because of the passion you display. To make you feel better, I accept your apology.”

She handed me the patient file and pointed.

“Go do what you do best. It’ll help clear your mind.”

I reviewed Duke Johnson’s chart while making my way to bed five. The possible fracture happened after a fall during a basketball game.

With a nod, I called out and waited to be invited in before pulling the curtain back.

“Evening, Mr. Johnson,” I greeted, my gaze moving from him to the man sitting beside his bed. “I’m…”

It’s him.

Leyland’s sun kissed eyes drank me in and suddenly I had no idea who I was anymore. Two and a half weeks had passed since he was discharged but it felt like ages ago.

A throat cleared and I quickly pulled my gaze away after reminding myself why I was here.

"I'm Dr. Warren," I said, walking over to the sink to wash and cover my hands. "I understand you may have fractured your wrist during a basketball game?"

He shifted and I took note of the constrained grimace.

“Yeah, I went up for a rebound and came down hard on it. Hurts like hell."

I nodded sympathetically and began my examination, gently probing his swollen wrist and forearm. As I worked, I was acutely aware of Leyland's presence, his gaze never leaving me.

"It looks like it could be a fracture," I said, keeping my voice steady. "We'll need to get some x-rays to be sure. How's your pain level?"

"About a seven.”

I nodded again.

"I'll order something for that along with the x-rays. Try to keep it still for now."

"Thank you, Dr. Warren," Duke said, his voice tight.

I tried to keep my focus on him but found myself sneaking glances at Leyland. He looked better than he had in the hospital, his dark skin much more vibrant, and the haunted look in his eyes had faded somewhat. But there was still an intensity to his gaze that made my heart race.

"Of course,” I said with a smile. “The nurse will be in shortly with some pain medication. Try to relax as much as you can."

As I turned to leave, Leyland stood up.

"Dr. Warren, could I have a word with you? Outside?"

My heart rate picked up, but I kept my expression neutral.

"Of course. Just for a moment."

We stepped out into the hallway, and I could feel the tension radiating between us. I crossed my arms, trying to relax myself.

"How can I help you, Mr. Graham?" I asked.

"I...” He tossed me a sheepish look. “I just wanted to thank you. For everything you did for me when I was here."

I nodded, forcing a smile.

"Of course. It's my job."

He shook his head slightly. "No, it was more than that. You were kind to me, even when I was... confused. I appreciate that. And I promise I didn’t make him break his wrist just to see you.”

I found myself smiling a little at that, glad it helped shake the awkwardness.

"You're welcome. I'm glad you're doing better and I hope you weren’t playing basketball with him. You should rest your head a little longer before taking on strenuous activities."

He nodded but I could tell he hadn’t been listening, because his eyes were searching mine. And I found myself unable to look away.

"Clementine," he said softly, his voice barely above a whisper. “You have that look in your eyes.”

I frowned, confused by what he meant.

“What look?”

He stared for another second and then shook his head.

“Never mind. It’s not my place.”

I glanced around, checking for eyes and ears but finding this area of the ER empty for once.

"Leyland," I said, his name feeling like silk on my tongue. "What did you mean? What look?"

“Like there’s something weighing on you.”

His words sent a shiver through me. How could he read me so well? And why could I tell he was holding back?

"I..." I started, then stopped, unsure how to respond. "It's been a difficult day."

He nodded, his expression full of understanding.

“You don’t have to say it. I know how hard your job can be. The pain of losing lives is immeasurable…” He paused and licked his lips, a gesture that revealed his own discomfort with the topic. “But it’s important to remember the ones you’ve saved too.”

I stared at him in disbelief, the tension in my chest easing as his words settled in its place.

"Thank you," I murmured. "That's... That's very kind of you to say."

He smiled and for the first time I noticed the tiny dimple in his right cheek. It made him look extremely charming. And that… that made my heart beat like it never had before.

"I meant every word. You're an incredible doctor, Clementine. Don't let one bad day make you forget that."

My eyes met his and all I saw was his sincerity.

It’s like he’d said this to me a million times before, and I guess… I guess he had in his own way.

I cleared my throat and he immediately put distance between us.

"I should get back to DJ," Leyland said, gesturing towards the room. "Thank you again, Dr. Warren."

I nodded, still feeling off-balance from our interaction.

"Take care, Mr. Graham.Remember what I said about resting."

He nodded. “I won’t forget.”

As he moved past me, I felt an inexplicable urge to stop him, to say something more. But what could I say? That his words had touched me more deeply than anything James had ever said? That I felt a connection to him that defied logic or reason?

Instead, I went back to work—my head and heart heavy again but for a much different reason.