Jane

Jane

10 November 1812 Gracechurch Street

Dearest Jane,

So, Mr Bingley is to return to Netherfield right after the Christmas season! I would find it shocking, except I have entirely lost the capacity to be surprised by anything to do with the Netherfield party or our family.

Since you have asked for my advice, I must repeat what I said to Mary. I have been wrong at least as often as right, so you must, in the end, accept your own council. However, since you have a few weeks before any chance of encountering the man, I will endeavour to write down my thoughts. To tell the truth, they have been circling round and round my head the last month, and I think I may be able to offer some insights that will be useful to you, although they will be quite painful.

I have spent nearly every idle minute since Lydia’s wedding, going over everything that happened in the last year, and trying my best to understand it. In Lambton, the only explanation I could come up was uncharitable in the extreme, but such was my state of agitation that I could do nothing else. I believe I have looked on Mr Darcy with a prejudicial eye at every opportunity since that first slight at the assembly, just over one year ago. Even when I asked Aunt and Uncle for their opinion, they took the story from my lips, and I can now see that I coloured the narrative to bend it towards my foregone conclusion .

Mr Darcy’s support of Lydia’s ill-fated marriage turned the tables completely, to the point where I could no longer trust or believe a single thought since the very beginning. After spending nearly every spare moment thinking about every interaction we ever had, I believe I have an explanation that makes much more sense, as it explains every single occurrence so much better than my rogue rake theory.

This is quite painful, but I can now remember exactly what happened at the ball in Netherfield last November as if it were yesterday, and in fact I believe I can remember everything that happened with the gentlemen, even the times you were sick at Netherfield.

At the ball, I now see clearly as a leaf under a magnifying glass, that I was downright rude to Mr Darcy simply because he had the temerity to ask me politely for a dance. After that, I proceeded to needle him about his conversation, and then abuse him by discussing another man— his sworn enemy who has done him a great deal of harm, as it turns out. Worse yet, I gave him not the slightest opportunity to defend himself or turn the conversation to more pleasant topics.

At the time, I was oh-so-very-certain in my beliefs that our dislike was mutual that I failed to listen to perfectly wise council from both you and Charlotte! Now, I can see that he did not dislike me at all. Perhaps he even esteemed me. It seems obvious in retrospect that if he disliked me, he would not have singled me out as the only woman in Hertfordshire that he chose to dance with. I even turned the man down twice before that.

As if that were not enough, it gets even worse. My rudeness and lack of manners were quickly followed by Mrs Bennet screeching with all the power of her awful voice and vile manners about Mr Bingley’s ￡5,000 a year, how you would soon be mistress of Netherfield, and how he would then throw her daughters in the path of other rich men. I was mortified at the time, and Mr Darcy must have heard it. I begged and begged her to desist, and she insulted him directly and loudly. I can remember her exact words: "What is Mr Darcy to me, pray, that I should be afraid of him? I am sure we owe him no such particular civility as to be obliged to say nothing he may not like to hear."

As if that were insufficient, Lydia and Kitty were thoroughly in their cups and embarrassing the entire room, and Sir William had the temerity to interrupt the dance to indicate only the date of Mr Bingley’s conquest was in doubt.

That last piece is vexing in the extreme, but Jane, I must point out that you are the most polite and genteel lady I ever met, and that means you were following the rules of propriety to the letter. I could perfectly tell you preferred Mr Bingley, and I felt he should be able to; but Mr Darcy could not , and a modest man like Mr Bingley might not be certain. Charlotte asserted that you were too subtle in your indications of your preferences, and I fear she may have been correct. Mr Bingley may be a very good man, but he did not have the strength of will to go against his sisters and his best friend and stand up against the combined might of a lady’s indifference and an obviously mercenary mother—who would?

All of this leads me to a most unsatisfactory conclusion, but the only one I can come up with that matches all the known facts. Mr Darcy almost certainly dissuaded Mr Bingley, because Mr Bingley was thinking with his heart, and Mr Darcy was thinking with his head. I fully believe the Derbyshire gentleman convinced Mr Bingley that he was the victim of a fortune-hunting family, as all evidence suggested, and Mr Bingley simply did not have enough faith in his own judgement.

I must therefore conclude, dear Jane, that your loss of Mr Bingley, who very possibly could have been a good match, was mostly because of the ill-bred manners of the Bennet family—and I count myself among the culprits. I must offer my most abject apologies, because perhaps Mr Darcy could have overlooked the rest of the family if I had not been so abominably rude to him, and if we had not driven him away, Mr Bingley would have had time to get to know your heart.

In the end, I am most chastened to know that even though Mrs Bennet was probably the principal architect of his abandonment, I most assuredly was second. I am heartily ashamed of myself. I believe until today, I never truly knew myself.

So, when Mr Bingley returns, he will either call on you or he will not. If he does not, then there is no more to be thought about, and things will be just as they ever were. If, however, he does call, then you alone must decide whether to give him another chance.

Before you decide for or against him, which may or may not be required, I would ask you to take a few other things into consideration.

Lydia nearly destroyed the Bennet family, and Mr Darcy saved us—at considerable effort and expense. Mary has recently become engaged to a man who is perfect for her, who just happens to have as patron, the self-same Mr Darcy. How in the world could a rector from Kympton just happen to meet a lady in Hertfordshire, three days away absent some guidance? Mr Bingley very well may come back to make reparations for last year, and I can see no possible way it could have come about unless Mr Darcy told him the truth, which Uncle Gardiner gave him in Lambton in its unvarnished form.

Everything centres around Mr Darcy.

This has led me to reexamine all I knew before, and I have a more intellectually satisfying conclusion that fits all known facts. Mr Darcy is a true and honourable gentleman, who may have acted with bad manners and disdain at one time, but he has recently acted the very best of men. He may once have esteemed me, but my family and I drove him from Hertfordshire! Of that, I am certain. Nothing that has happened since I was in Lambton last year can be faulted, and where there was previous fault, he seems to be making reparations well beyond what any sane man would do. I must therefore conclude that he is either the most honourable man we have ever met, or he esteems me, or both.

Jane, I must admit, though it frightens me to do so, that I believe he just might like me. It is entirely too much to hope, with all that has occurred between us and the stain that is still on our family, for him to act. Even he has his limits, so attaching himself to a family so closely attached to Wickham, or a woman who has abused him abominably at every opportunity for over a year, is just too much.

So, I must conclude that he may well have esteemed me once. I must furthermore admit that I feel much more than is wise or prudent for him, but I cannot expect anything except that he may allow me to give him the thanks that is owed. Beyond that, I dare not hope, but I must own that I do hope all the same. The man has always had a profound effect on me, and I very well believe it would take less than a feather’s touch to push me into love with him; presuming I am not already there.

I go back to Derbyshire with Mary in a few weeks for her wedding. There is a chance Mr Darcy will attend church while I am there, and I will give the man my thanks if it kills me. I will be in Derbyshire for more than a fortnight, and I will have my say, even if I must bend the rules a touch and call on Miss Darcy at Pemberley.

So, I hope that helps with any decision you may need to make with respect to Mr Bingley. I know forgiveness is in your nature and you will be inclined to give it. I am not the least bit opposed to the scheme, but I hope that you take steps to ensure there is no more confusion and misunderstandings. And no matter what else you do, try not to expose the poor man to Mrs Bennet. If he calls on you, go to town and let him court you from Gracechurch Street.

Your modestly more enlightened sister, Lizzy