Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

I skim over the journal, feeling the fear of my ancestors as I read. Today was for recovery, according to Doctor Kirk.

I wrinkle my nose at the passage written in elegant cursive. Being a keeper interrupted her entire life.

She was forced to abandon her dreams of teaching the cubs to protect the powerful item. I'm still unsure what it does, or why it's needed.

I continue to flip through the pages, scowling as the words start to blur together and swim on the page. I make circular patterns on the midsized yellow legal pad I've been using for notes.

Allowing my mind to wander, I sketch the face of the woman who broke my heart.

Her wild corkscrew curls frame her slim, heart-shaped face. I sketch her large eyes and high cheekbones. The sorrowful expression tears at my heart.

For all I know, she's amused by my plight. It takes powerful magic to hide one's true nature.

Who knew what else she'd lied about? A knock at my door pulls me away from my musing.

"Hello?"

"Can I come up?" Cadoc yells.

"Yes." His steps on the stairs grow louder before the door swings open.

He's a vision in black jeans and a black t-shirt that shows off his thick thighs, and heavily muscled frame. The man has the body of a powerful warrior.

"What's up?"

He stands out among the pastel colors in the room. The lavender bedding on the massive bed and the pink, cream, and gold rug, match the bright white walls creating an airy feeling in the room.

"Do you have time to talk?" Cadoc runs a hand through his hair.

"Of course." I mark the journal page with a strip of dark purple ribbon before closing it. "Join me?" I move over to the couch and wave him over, moving the monstera pillow to give him space.

Cadoc sinks onto the cushion beside me. "Do you think your father would be furious about us?"

"Who? Where the hell did this come from?" my voice raises an octave as I stare at him.

He shakes his head. It's unusual to see him like this, uncertain and seeking approval from someone else.

"He was my best friend. I know he'd want me to look after you, but this is—." He heaved a deep breath. His large hands grip his knees, and the veins stand out dark against the white skin.

"Cad. Neither of us asked for this."

"And yet, you're stuck with me."

Stuck. There's something bitter in that five-letter word.

"A three-hundred-year-old ex-enforcer."

"I have a strong alpha who does everything in his power to keep me and the rest of our clan safe," I counter. Hearing his unfavorable take upsets me. I'd always adored Cadoc growing up. He was a constant, protective source that made life more fun. "I feel safe when you're near and right now, that's a gift more precious than diamonds."

"Yeah?" He looks through long lashes that should be illegal for a man to possess.

I scoot closer and lean against him. "Always, Cad."

He wraps an arm around my shoulders and we sit silently. The peace surrounding us is a comforting reprieve from the current upheaval.

"I don't know what to do with my days now," he admits.

"What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. It's been so long since I had any real spare time."

It sounds like a sad, unfulfilling existence. I hadn't realized how much time he used to spend with my family growing up until now. Had we provided him with the family setting?

"It looks like you have some thinking to do while I get back to my research," I gesture toward the journal.

"No luck yet?"

"No. Kirk's working on a spell from the other book in the basement."

"Has he made more progress?"

I snicker. "Not that I've heard. Between us, I'm relieved there haven't been any explosions.

Those texts are ancient, and I'm not convinced he isn't doing guesswork on ingredients and measurements." I frown, thinking about the dedicated Healer.

Cadoc chuckles. "Kirk can handle himself."

"I still worry."

"That's cute, Brat. The man's been around longer than you've been alive. He's going to be just fine."

I ‘m happy to be his source of amusement if it puts a smile on his face. I'd always adored him.

I'm slowly settling into things. Taking comfort in his strength and presence, despite the shitty situation we've landed in is easier than holding onto the anger.

I open the journal and scan the page. Reading her descriptions I draw the tall purple flowers she's describing.

"What do you want to do after this?" he asks.

"What do you mean?" I add detail around the pistil of the flowers.

"You've always been destined for great things Ylva. This is just—" He pauses. "A side quest."

"I don't know. I had a gallery job lined up and a space to display my work. That's gone now." I gasp. "I can't imagine what they thought when I no-called, no-showed."

I'd been so wrapped up in pack life, I hadn't given this a second thought.

"I can help with that. They were all informed of a sudden devastating family tragedy that was time-sensitive and all-consuming."

Anger and relief swirl together like a chocolate and vanilla ice cream cone. My reputation hadn't been obliterated.

"It's not like they're holding a position for me until I return." I shade the flowers known as monkshood.

"Hey." Cadoc places a hand on the paper, forcing me to stop. "This won't be forever."

"You have no idea how long this search will take."

"No, but we all need to have things to look forward to, don't we?"

"Because I'll be free to leave when all is said and done?"

His brow furrows and a growl reverberates in his chest. His eyes flash yellow.

"No." His gravelly tone is more wolf than man. Blinking, he regains control. "Doesn't mean you can't cultivate some happiness."

"Here?" I roll my eyes. "In the town I hate?" I gesture toward the large windows to the left that overlook a spectacular view of the forest. "Did you all think this luxury prison would be a suitable consolation prize I'd exchange so easily for my freedom?"

"It's only a jail if you allow it to be one." Cadoc's voice rumbles in his chest.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I push, ready to see his cool fa?ade slip.

"You can change it. Turn it into a home."

"Are you serious right now?" I enunciate each word. We're trapped together, with an impossible task on our shoulders, not playing house.

"Make it a place you enjoy? This could be your haven," he continues on a positive note.

"I never wanted this to be my home." I cross my arms. "Being forced to return has only made my animosity for this place worse."

"The best revenge is success. Thrive. Remind them that they haven't broken you," he encourages.

"I'm tired. I stopped trying to prove myself worthy years ago."

"Hey." He cups my chin. "You have always been worthy, Ylva. This is about finding joy in the storm we've found ourselves in the center of. Tell me what you need to feel like this is home."

I laugh. "You're asking an impossible question."

"No." He shakes his head. "I remember how much you loved growing up here."

"I was a kid. I had a loving family and free run of the forest."

"You can have that again. We're your family now."

"Families can be dysfunctional, you know?" I stare at him.

"This situation is going to be what we make of it."

"Hah. We can't even get along Cadoc."

"Change takes time. We have plenty of that to get this right."

"Blind optimism isn't your style." I purse my lips as I show my skepticism.

"No, but patience and playing the long game are." His optimism has me ready to claw his eyes out.

"I've been around a long time. I've seen the most unlikely people rally together for a cause."

"It's our life, not a class project." I shake my head.

He leans closer, and my breath catches.

"I won't see you miserable or have your talent squandered."

"And how do you plan to fix that, Cad?" I sigh.

"We'll find a way moving forward. Because the path ahead is long and arduous, and you need sunshine to combat the darkness we're fighting against." His words are ominous.

"You make it sound so easy."

"The only thing we can count on is each other. We're in this together until death, the bond will see to that. We didn't get to choose our clan, but we can shape it and decide our future together. Forget everything else for a minute and tell me what you need."

"To create. I have to get out what's in my head and heart, or it'll fester," I whisper.

"What's stopping you?"

"Are you kidding me?" I laugh.

Cad moves the book away.

"Take a break."

"I can't."

"How much work were you getting done?" He taps the doodles on the pad I'd been using for notes.

"Point taken," I smile, embarrassed.

"This room was given to you for a reason." He gestures toward the skylight. "It was meant to inspire you. Let it."

"That easy?" I ask sassily.

"Isn't it?" He tilts his head.

"No."

He laughs. The husky sound goes straight to my core, and I squirm.

"An artist is in your blood. It's who you are. I've seen you create things from thin air like magic. So, tell me what the real problem is?"

I haven't allowed myself to tap into my creative state of mind because I'm terrified of what will emerge.

"It's all I can do every day to get up and put one foot in front of the other. If I think too much about what I've lost, and I go to that space where my art flows from I might break?—."

"And I'll be here to pick up the pieces. We all will, even the little asshole, Bo cares in his way."

"I can't turn that part of myself back on, I don't think it's safe."

"I think you need to." Cad walks to the closet and pulls out an easel and a fresh canvas.

"Cadoc, don't."

"It's time you stop hiding from who you are and what happened. We need you at your best."

He brings out my collection of paintbrushes and I feel the stirrings of longing swell inside me. I've avoided this, locked the urge away, in a desperate attempt to separate my old life from this one.

Anguish crashes over me like a wave. The freeze on the feelings about my old life and betrayal thaws. Chest aching, I walk toward the blank canvas. In my mind's eyes, I see the piece.

A collage of memories against a dark gray background. I want to see the moments of joy and examine the truth in the stark light of reality. A woman possessed, I begin to mix white and black paint on a palette.

The damn inside me bursts, and tears spill free. I go in on the canvas. Time is suspended. It always is when I work. Slowly small scenes begin to emerge among the gray. Kez and I at a party, my table at the farmer's market, and brunch at the local mom-and-pop diner.

I purge it all, reliving the moments and taking the warmth and joy they gave. Even if it wasn't real for Kez, it was for me.

Those moments shaped who I am, helped me find myself outside of a pack that didn't value me, or what I had to offer. No one can take what I gained from my time away from me. I unleash my anger on the canvas, cutting the scenes with dark red slashes.

I create wounds that speak to the state of my soul. I work in a frenzy. Panting, I step back, admiring the hideously beautiful display.

"Feel better?" Cadoc's voice snaps me out of my daze.

"Yes," I turn. Cadoc sits beside Kirk.

"When did you get here?" I ask.

"About an hour ago." Kirk smiles. "I had a breakthrough."

"Oh. What?" I wipe my hands on the hand towel.

"The amulet is an item of power. It gives the wearer the ability to grant favor to their pack."

"You got all of this from a potion?" I raise an eyebrow.

Kirk laughs. "No, but I did crack the code in the book that allowed me to read the words."

"Jesus and J.R.R. Tolkien, it's the one ring," I whisper. The truth hits hard, this is a lifelong responsibility. Going back to normal won't be an option.

"Ylva?" Kirk stands.

"Our life is never going to be ours again," my voice cracks.

Kirk looks at Cadoc who nods. "Let's get your mind off things." Kirk takes my hand and twines our fingers. Let's go outside. There's something I want to show you."

"Okay." I trail behind him, down the stairs, and across the room blindly. My mind wrestles with my new existence.

We step outside. A gentle breeze carries a sweet scent.

"Hey." Kirk squeezes my hand, and offers a gentle smile. smile. "Look."

He turns me toward the setting sun. Orange and red hues kiss the garden. How had I not noticed this before?

"Beautiful."

"Let's explore it." He tugs me toward the stone path. "Many of these are herbs."

"For cooking?"

"And healing." His back straightens.

Stepping into his field of expertise makes him grow a few inches taller as he moves with more confidence. Guiding me to a large fluffy yellow flower, he slips seamlessly into the role of teacher.

"I have plans to dry some of these out for the winter. This is a teddy bear sunflower. Stunning, isn't it?"

"Yes." I touch it, unable to resist its lure."

"I find when I feel lost, immersing myself in nature helps bring things back into perspective."

"Perspective? Our lives have been hijacked." I scowl.

"Hmm. I've always wanted to help people. This is going to allow me to do that. It's the truth I can stomach."

"And the rest?"

He shrugs. "I'm dealing with it one day at a time."

I want to ruffle his zen.

"Just like that?" I snap my fingers.

He turns toward me. "No."

"But you said It was so easy, right?" I lift my chin. The flash in his eyes telling me he recognizes my reminder of his words.

"No. I said I'm choosing to control what I can."

"Because you're emotionless?"

His nostrils flare. "Ylva."

"Tell me how you bundle up your rage and pack it away so easily." I cross my arms.

"Because I know what I'm capable of when I do otherwise." He lifts my hand to his lips and kisses "You don't want to see that part of me. It's an ugly, ruthless, cold version. He'll come when it's necessary and not a moment before. So testing me is only wasting your energy. If that's what you need, I'm here."

His words deflate me. I shake my head. "I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that."

"For better or worse, we're all we have. Don't let him inside your head. This is what we make it." He pulls me close and wraps his arms around me.

I nuzzle the scent gland in his neck, taking deep breaths of his cinnamon and citrus smell. The last of the sun's rays caress my back.

The bond between us strengthens. Closing my eyes, I explore the tentative connection between us. The silver chord of our connection flashes in my mind. I mentally tug at one.

The back door opens. Bo steps out with a confused expression on his face.

"What's wrong?" I ask

"I'm not sure. I just thought I should check on you?" He frowns. "And I'll be going now."

Shaking his head he moves back inside. I giggle. This could be fun.