Chapter 37

CHAPTER 37

C rash!

The thunder was so loud that it sounded to Cressida as if it was coming from inside the house. Even though she knew that such a thing wasn't possible, even though thunder couldn't do that, she had trouble convincing her mind that she was safe.

It can't hurt me. It's only a storm. Thunder can't hurt me .

She knew that was true, of course. She was perfectly safe. It was just that her body didn't seem to understand that fact. Her body was reacting as if she was under some terrible threat from which she might need to defend herself. The trouble was that Cressida couldn't pinpoint where the danger lay, and therefore there was nothing she could do to protect herself from it.

She took a deep breath, trying to steady her pounding heart. She wrapped her arms around herself to try to quiet the tremors in her limbs. She closed her eyes so that she could focus her racing thoughts. I'm at home , she reminded herself. I'm safe. Nothing bad is happening. Nothing bad is going to happen. Nobody is going to die. I'm not going to lose anyone I love…

But that wasn't true, was it? She had already lost someone she loved. She had lost Matthew. Even though their marriage remained in a technical sense, who knew whether she was ever going to see him again? She might spend the rest of her life alone in this house, wandering from room to room, remembering how close she had come to having a real marriage and knowing that she would never have that now. She might spend the rest of her life regretting the moment she had picked up that sketchbook and ruined everything for herself.

It's his fault too. He shouldn't have left me over such a thing!

The thunder crashed again and Cressida let out a whimper. There was nothing to be afraid of. Storms were nothing to be afraid of. If only she could get her body to believe what her mind already knew!

But she couldn't. The terror had her in its grip, and she could hardly see how she was going to survive the night while she was in this much fear. She drew her knees up to her chest and hid her face, forcing herself to keep breathing. It will end. Eventually, this will be over.

She never knew how much time she passed sitting like that, listening to the rain on the roof and the rolling thunder, perceiving the flashes of lightning even though she didn't dare to look up at the window. She wasn't even aware of the change at first, so lost was she in her own terrible fear.

But eventually, she became aware that something was different.

Hands were on her arms—not violent hands, but powerful ones. They weren't trying to move or manipulate her, but they were holding her very still. And now a spike of fear shot through her, fear that was somehow more potent than the anxiety the storm had created within her, because here was a true threat. Here was something that could really harm her!

She lashed out, her hands coming up to beat at the person holding her?—

He grabbed her by the wrists, preventing her from hitting him. "It's all right," he said quietly. "It's me, Cressida, it's me. I'm not going to hurt you."

Her vision came into focus at the sound of the familiar voice.

Matthew .

Her breath stopped. Part of her wanted to launch herself into his embrace and forget everything that had happened between them, to accept the comfort she knew he could and would provide. And part of her wanted nothing more than to pull away.

"Do you want to go on hitting me?" he asked her. "I suppose it's all right if you do. I deserve it."

He was smiling slightly, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. They were full of warmth and compassion, and for the first time since the storm had started—for the first time in days, really—Cressida had something that she could focus on besides her own fear and anxiety, besides the guilt of having crossed a line with him and the anger at the fact that he had left her.

He was here. He hadn't abandoned her after all. He had come back.

And now she did fall into his arms, allowing him to hold her, not even caring about everything that had transpired between the two of them. There was plenty to discuss, plenty that would need to be resolved, but for right now, the only thing that mattered was this one, fundamental truth— Matthew was here . Everything else could be dealt with. Everything else was acceptable, manageable.

"You came back," she whispered. "You came back."

"I'm sorry I ever left. I was so wrong," he said. "I couldn't stay away. But I have no excuse for going in the first place."

"I shouldn't have looked?—"

"No. Stop." He pulled back far enough from her to hold a finger to her lips. "You did nothing wrong, Cressida. You did nothing wrong. I didn't leave because you looked at my drawings. You know that. I left because you knew my secret and I was ashamed, and there is no excuse for that."

"You didn't need to feel ashamed," she said softly. "It doesn't change the way I see you. I like knowing you better, Matthew. You never had to hide from me."

The thunder crashed again, but this time, it didn't feel so close and ominous. It didn't feel like it might break into the room and do something to harm her. Somehow, Matthew's presence kept it at bay.

"You're all wet," she said softly, noticing for the first time.

He nodded. "It's raining outside."

"But—" She frowned. "You were out in the rain, Matthew?"

"I rode here."

"Surely you could have taken a carriage?"

"It would have been much slower, and I needed to be at your side," he said. "I needed to be with you, Cressida. I knew how this would be affecting you. When I realized, I couldn't believe I had left you here alone. That I had let my own selfishness drive me away from you. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that. You shouldn't have been on your own for as much as a single moment."

"You mustn't be angry with yourself."

"Surely you're angry with me? You were about to do me a serious injury when you first realized I was here."

"I didn't know it was you. I thought there was an intruder."

He pressed his lips together and looked down. "Another thing you should never have had to fear. Cressida, I will never stop regretting what I've put you through these last few days."

"Are you truly back? Back to stay?"

"I am. I'll never leave your side again. I'll never give you a reason to doubt me again. I can promise you that."

"Then you must stop regretting the past," Cressida said, touching his cheek tenderly. "What difference does the past make, if it brings us here?"

"I love you," Matthew said softly. "I love you very much, Cressida. I'm only sorry it took me so long to realize it—but I will never make you doubt it again, and that's a promise."

He drew her close and pressed his forehead to hers, looking into her eyes, and Cressida found it almost impossible to believe that just a short time ago she had been in the grip of such intense terror. She was not afraid at all now. Nothing could harm her. Not while Matthew was here.

What was more, her heart was still pounding—but no longer out of fear. Now it was anticipation she felt—eagerness for what was about to happen.

She had no doubt that it was about to happen. There wasn't a question in her mind. And though she wanted it, achingly so, a part of her also wanted to prolong the moment of her satisfaction, to let the anticipation build for just a little bit longer.

She breathed in as his face tipped toward hers.

Their lips met.

He pulled her body close to his once more as they kissed, and though Cressida was aware of the wet clothing he wore, she found that it didn't matter. There was the part of her that wanted to remove that sodden shirt—but it had nothing to do with the fact that it was wet. She had never so powerfully felt the desire to have her husband close to her, with nothing at all, including their clothes, in between them.

He pulled back from her again and cradled her face in his hands. "I love you," he murmured. "I need you to know that, Cressida. I need you to believe me when I tell you that I love you. And I'm so sorry I ever put any space at all between the two of us. I'm sorry that I didn't treat you the way you deserved to be treated right from the very beginning. It's a mistake I promise you I won't make again."

"I love you too," she assured him. "And, Matthew, I promise you that it doesn't matter to me who your mother was. It's nothing that you ever need to feel embarrassed or ashamed about with me. I'm glad to know the truth. It won't change how I see you. The only thing that could possibly come between us is if you were to leave me again."

"I never will. Never."

"I know you won't," she said. "I believe you. And thank you for coming back."

"Thank you for taking me back. I didn't know if you would, and I couldn't have held it against you if you didn't," he said. "You deserved so much better than the way I treated you. You deserve the best husband in the world, and I haven't been that. I know I haven't. I'll do my best to improve and to give you what you deserve from this moment on."

"Everyone struggles." She caressed his cheek gently. "And the truth about who your mother was—it's a big and painful thing that you've had to carry alone for a very long time. Of course it frightened you to let someone else into a room that's been closed to everyone but yourself for so long."

"I told my sisters the truth."

"I'm glad. And I hope you know that you can trust me."

"There is no one I would more easily or more readily trust," he said. "I'm glad the secret is out now. I'm glad I don't have to keep this to myself any longer. And I'm glad you were the first to know, Cressida, because I do trust you, and I feel as if this is something I can share with you. What you said—I feel the same way about it. I feel as if you know me better now, and I'm very grateful that you do." He smiled slightly. "It makes me able to love you more wholly, and better able to accept your love for me as well."

"Then kiss me again," she breathed. "If you love me, then kiss me."

He nodded and brought his mouth to hers once more.

Cressida wrapped her arms around her husband's neck and held him close, for the first time feeling no fear that this was something that would be stolen away from her. For the first time, she felt she could trust him to remain in her arms and that she could trust that their relationship would only move forward.

The thunder roared outside again, but now Cressida was safe and content in Matthew's arms, and she hardly noticed it at all.