Chapter Twelve

When the princess returns to her castle in Graz at the end of January, an uneasy tension settles over the house. We still sit together in the library at night, and the children still ask me to teach them new songs when they come home from school. But now, whenever the Captain asks to join us, I'm forced to excuse myself.

"Don't you like it when Papa plays volleyball with us?" Agathe asks one rainy evening several months after the visit.

I keep braiding her hair. "Of course I do."

"Then why do you always excuse yourself?"

I let the braid fall through my hands and she turns to face me. I'm glad it's just the two of us in her pink and white room, so there's no one else to see me blush. "You know I leave for the convent in August," I tell her. "In a few months I won't be the one playing with you anymore. I want you to become used to playing with your father."

But Agathe is fourteen and can see through this. "No one will be playing anything if you leave. Aunt Yvonne will send us all to boarding schools."

I lower my voice. Outside her window the rain is falling, turning the grounds sodden. No volleyball tomorrow. "Does your father know?"

"Rupert asked him and he promised we're not going anywhere. But what if she changes his mind?"

This is my worry, too, but I don't let Agathe see this. "Your father was one of the first submarine captains in history. Do you really think he's so easily led?"

She doesn't answer. "I don't understand why you won't stay. Don't you like us?"

I swallow the rising pain in my throat. "Of course. More than you know, Agathe."

"Then why won't you stay?" Her dark eyes are wide and glassy with tears.

"Because your father is getting married and there can't be two young women in the house."

"Then he can marry you instead!"

My cheeks are on fire. I'm sure of it. "I think my sisters at Nonnberg would be very surprised to hear of me getting married." I smile uneasily and rise, refusing to examine the pain in my chest. Because if I think of myself actually marrying the Captain…I simply can't. My stomach tenses and I immediately push the thought away. "It will all work out," I promise. "You'll see."

And I believe this. Something has changed since the princess's visit. Over the ensuing months the Captain hasn't left on a single trip. Instead, he spends his time in his library, writing a book about his experiences in the navy. He also accompanies us on hikes when the weather is good, making a point of joining us once we've already left and it's too late for me to turn back. At the end of May I take the children up the Untersberg and am admiring the view when the Captain comes over to stand beside me.

"I'm going to miss these days," he says quietly.

I study his profile etched against the red glow of the setting sun—the curve of his forehead, the strong line of his nose, his chin. "And where do you think this is going?" I laugh uneasily. "The mountain will still be here."

"Yes. The mountain will be."

When I catch his meaning, I hurry to excuse myself. I must never allow myself to think about marriage. It would be a betrayal to the women who sent me here. But the thoughts creep up anyway. Silly things, like when I'm combing my hair, I wonder how it would be to share a bathroom with the Captain, his razors and brushes crowding the sink. Over lunch, I imagine the feeling of waiting for a husband to join me in the dining room. But this is not my destiny. I have given my promise to God.

That evening the Captain makes an announcement over dinner. "I shall be leaving for Graz tomorrow," he says, and the entire room falls silent.

I stare down at my plate of rouladen with gravy, but don't feel hungry. Not even for the dumpling or blaukraut.

"Are you going to see Aunt Yvonne?" Hedwig asks.

I glance up.

"Yes," the Captain says, briefly meeting my gaze.

I feel queasy. But this has always been the plan. The very first day I arrived at the villa, the Baroness told me that this marriage would take place. So why is the Baroness suddenly fidgeting with her napkin? And why do I feel as if I'm going to be sick?

No one speaks. For a moment, the children don't even move. Finally, I break the silence. "Well, why don't I teach you all a traditional wedding song after dinner," I suggest, trying to brighten the mood, but the words feel dry in my mouth. And no one is enthusiastic. Least of all me.

It is a long two weeks. Every car that rolls up the drive could be his, and I find myself lingering at the windows more than I ever have before. On the last Saturday in May, Johanna is the first to spot him coming up the drive. "Papa's back!" she cries out. "His car is here!"

All seven children hurry to the door to see him inside, but there's a strange look about him, and he doesn't seem like a man who's just made the happiest decision of his life. After hugging each of the children, he retreats to his library without a glance in my direction. He's silent at dinner, then again at breakfast the next day.

"What the matter with Papa?" Agathe asks while we're playing volleyball after school. "He hasn't seemed himself since he returned."

"Maybe he's not feeling well," Mitzi worries.

"Or maybe he doesn't love us anymore," Martina says.

"My goodness." What goes on in Martina's mind? "Of course he loves you!"

"Then why does he stay in his library all day now?" she asks, her voice nearly as small as she is.

I don't have an answer. He's hardly looked in my direction since coming back.

"Well, why don't we go and ask him?" Johanna suggests.

"Yes, we should ask him," Werner agrees.

And so the children rush inside like a pack of wolves while I return the volleyball to the hall cupboard and try not to worry. I make myself tea and am settling into a comfortable chair in the family room when the hallway becomes filled with the sound of stampeding feet. Johanna bursts through the door, followed by all the children, and suddenly they are talking at once.

I put down the tea and raise my hands. "One at a time!"

Werner inhales and then exhales a response. "It's because he's decided not to marry Aunt Yvonne after all!"

I gasp, unable to help myself.

"But that's not what Papa is sad about!" Johanna exclaims. "He's sad because he's not sure whether you truly like him."

I'm shocked. "Well, of course I like him." When have I ever…Then I think of all the times I've brushed him aside recently or excused myself from the room the moment he's entered, and my cheeks feel warm. I can't believe he called off the engagement. He's not marrying the princess after all. And the children won't be going away! I'm overwhelmed by the news, but I'm not quite sure why.

"So you like him?" Mitzi asks. "Do you really like him?"

"Of course, Mitzi. Your father is a wonderful man."

The whole pack of them goes running back to the library, then there's the strangest silence in the house. Suddenly, the Captain is standing in the doorway, staring at me. He crosses the room and takes my hand.

"You have no idea how happy you've just made me."

I rise from the chair. "What do you mean?" What does he mean?

"The children said you accepted my marriage proposal." There's so much joy in his face, and now the children are crowded around the family room door with so much joy on their faces that I burst into tears.

"Are you really going to be our mother?" Mitzi asks.

"We have a mother!" Johanna says, hugging me fiercely.

"That's wonderful news," Rupert says. "Truly. Congratulations."

"But the abbey—" I'm panicking.

The Captain takes both of my hands in his, and it feels as if my entire body is on fire. "Why don't you go and ask them," he says tenderly. He is standing so close that I can smell the scent of tobacco on his suit.

I can't breathe. There's too much happening. "I should do it now," I tell him, and hurry up the stairs to my room. I just need to be alone.

"Can I help you pack?" Mitzi asks, coming in and sitting next to me on the edge of my bed.

Her face is so bright with happiness that it crushes my heart. How can she understand that I've given my promise to God? That He'll never forgive me if I turn my back on Him in order to marry? Perhaps the Reverend Mother will come back here to explain. "Oh, there isn't much to pack," I say distractedly. "Just a shawl and a—"

Suddenly, she leans forward and wraps her arms around my neck. "Now you'll never ever leave us," she blurts out. Tears are streaming down her cheeks, and tears are on my cheeks, too. I love these children so much. And this home. But I've never truly dared to imagine loving the Captain. He's always belonged to the princess.

In the hall, the Baroness is waiting. Her look is stern, and from the velvet choker around her neck to her beaded dress, she's dressed entirely in black. She approaches me swiftly, then her face breaks into a smile. "I couldn't have imagined a better ending!" she exclaims, and I wonder what has brought her around to this. Perhaps she feels that anything is better than having to tolerate that princess.

"But the nuns won't allow—"

"Well, of course they will." She laughs. "It's an abbey, not a prison."

"But I gave God my word."

The Baroness smiles warmly, touching my shoulder. "I suspect He'll understand."

It's the longest trip to Nonnberg I ever make. I have no idea how many people I pass on the street. And no memory at all of taking the bus from Aigen to the center of Salzburg. I approach the familiar stone steps leading up to the abbey and it's as if there are two Marias inside of me. One desperate to return to Nonnberg where the world is predictable and safe. Then another Maria who isn't afraid to stumble into things she knows nothing about—marriage, nobility, motherhood. And then, of course, there's the matter of the Captain…

I begin the climb and recall the way his dark eyes searched mine on the mountaintop before he left for Graz. What did he tell the princess? Was she angry? The thought of him marrying her had made me sick with dread. But the thought of marrying him myself makes me feel— what ?

I imagine the Captain clasping his hand over mine again and my heart races. There's desire there, but mostly there's fear. I don't know how to be a wife. Anni kept away from Franz at every opportunity. He was a monster. I don't know how women behave with men they might love. And what of my vows? What of the women who were going to become sisters to me? And my Reverend Mother?

I think of leaving another family and tears burn their way down my cheeks. When I reach the gates, Frau Rafaela sees my face and stops polishing the bars.

"Maria!" She drops her rag. "What's happened?" She takes me by the shoulders. "Why are you here?"

"I need to speak with the Reverend Mother," I say. "At once."