Chapter 18

After work,Mandi went hurrying across the lobby to the Guest Wing. She was so excited at the prospect of cooking dinner for Sadie and Master Derek, that she forgot to put her earplugs in, and actually managed to head across without getting completely overwhelmed.

She even managed a whole conversation with a very overly excited Rachel and Trixie, from Butterflies, who couldn't wait to tell her about how much everyone loved the book she'd recommended. Their Daddies also smiled at her and said they'd like to come by and get some more book recommendations later in the week, and even though they were strange Bigs, she didn't feel scared at all. She could thank book talk for that.

By the time she got back to the room, Mandi was almost elated. She was managing so much, all without having a meltdown. It was wild.

Mommy Amelia had kept her promise and spoken to Chef Connor who ruled the Ranch kitchen, and he'd provided everything Mandi needed to make her favorite mac and cheese. Pancetta and four types of cheese and some broccolini on the side.

Cooking was one of the things that helped Mandi's head switch off, almost completely. It was just her and the recipe. She pulled it up on the reading app on her phone and put on some more music.

The happy wiggles started, and she sang along as she started to measure out all the ingredients.

"Hey, babygirl," said Mommy Amelia. "Need some help?"

"Can you set the table please, Mommy?"

"Of course, lovely."

When a particularly upbeat 80s tune came on, Mandi was delighted to hear Mommy Amelia start humming it, and then she began to sing. Quietly, at first, almost under her breath, and then as the song continued, louder and louder, until she extricated Mandi from the cooking utensils she held and spun her round the kitchen and kissed her.

"Mommy!" she giggled. "I've got to keep stirring!"

"Yeah, yeah." Mommy Amelia waved it off, but still spun Mandi back over to the stove.

Mandi wiggled as she prepped the last bits, before putting all of the mac and cheese in the oven dish and emptying an entire pack of grated mozzarella and cheddar cheese atop it.

"Isn't that a touch too much cheese, petal?"

"But, Mommy," said Mandi, turning large pleading eyes upon Mommy Amelia, "you can't get the cheese pancake without this much cheese."

"The cheese pancake?"

Mandi was horrified. "You've never had a cheese pancake?"

"Should I have?"

Mandi bounced up and down on her tiptoes. "Okay, let me just put this in the oven. Right. Cheese pancakes. It's where you put the perfect amount of grated cheese atop anything and bake it in the oven. And then it turns into this layer of the crispiest, most delicious cheese you've ever eaten. It's absolutely heaven."

Mommy Amelia looked unconvinced. "Are you preparing any vegetables to go with dinner?"

"Of course! I'm doing tons of steamed broccolini."

"Broccolini?"

"It's the best version of broccoli. Properly yummy, Mommy!"

"That's good then, little girl. I'm proud of you, preparing a delicious meal for your friend and her Daddy, and making sure to include veggies too."

"Thank you, Mommy," Mandi said, but then her face fell. "I forgot dessert! Oh no! I invited them over and didn't even think to?—"

"None of that, little girl. I got you," Mommy said, and before Mandi could even start to panic, her Mommy was zooming around the kitchen, pulling together everything she needed to make a delicious dessert.

By the time Sadie and Master Derek knocked on the door to her room, everything was prepped.

Mommy Amelia promised to steam the broccolini, so that Sadie and Mandi could go and chat, and the two of them ran off to bounce on the couch and talk at each other pretty quickly.

Mandi told her new friend all about the new work she'd done in the Littles' Library. "And I got to organize some new book displays for Mental Health Awareness Month!"

"Really? That's amazing!" enthused Sadie. "Are they all picture books?"

"I did different ones for different Littles. Some for the Caterpillars and Butterflies, some for the older Littles and some for the Middles. I wanted to make sure that everyone was included. Looking after your mental health is super important."

Sadie nodded, looking serious for a moment. "When I came here, things had been… difficult for me. We have some really great counselors on the Ranch though."

"Yes, Master Derek said so. I've got my first appointment with Catherine Denten tomorrow. I'm a little bit nervous though."

Sadie gave her a hug. "It's normal to be nervous. Do you have a counselor at home?"

Mandi shook her head. "It wasn't covered by my health insurance, and that was before the bookshop I worked in closed. So I'm going to take full advantage while I'm here and I can." She looked wistful. "I really wish I didn't have to leave, Sadie. The world out there? It really wasn't kind to me. And I never felt… well, right."

"I hate that, when you know you just don't fit in."

"I don't really have it here," explained Mandi. "Maybe it's because I feel like I belong, but I also get the feeling that standing out also isn't a bad thing."

"It definitely isn't!" said Sadie. "Although sometimes it might feel that way when you're standing out because of a prank."

The timer went off just then, and the two Littles jumped up.

"Dinner!" yelled Sadie.

"Coming through!" yelled Mandi, the loudest she'd been since she'd arrived and they both burst into fits of giggles.

"I think," said Mommy Amelia, "that it might be a good idea if I get the food out of the oven?"

"I agree," said Master Derek, but the two Bigs didn't look like they were cross at all. In fact, they looked really happy.

Mandi did a small happy wiggle. This was exactly what she'd wanted. Good food for her new friends. And for her Mommy.

She looked over at where Mommy Amelia was dishing up the food, and their eyes met.

"You were right about the cheese pancake," said Mommy Amelia. "It looks delicious."

And Mandi felt so accepted and happy that she did the biggest wiggle she'd ever done.

Dessert was rice pudding, all thick and creamy and delicious—despite Sadie's assertion that rice didn't belong in puddings—and Mommy Amelia even put a dollop of jam on Mandi's helping, because she'd been so very good and well behaved that day.

But before she could get too tired, Master Derek and Sadie headed off, and Mommy Amelia helped her rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher.

But when the idea of bedtime was raised, Mandi protested. "I'm not even tired yet!" she said. "And yesterday I was in bed suuuuuuper early."

"Is that so?" asked Mommy Amelia.

"It is so," said Mandi stubbornly. And then added, just in case, "I don't think I'm being rude, Mommy, but I'm really just not all that tired yet."

"Perhaps," said Mommy Amelia, "we could do something else instead?"

"Ooooo… like what?"

"Well, on your entry form, you said that you really liked floggers, so I brought some of mine from home. Would you like to have a look at them?"

Would Mandi? She almost trembled with excitement. "Yes, please, please, please, Mommy!"

Mommy Amelia laughed. "Okay, let me get my bag."

Her bag was truly a bag of wonders, and Mommy Amelia took out each flogger and laid it out on the bed for them both to look at.

There were all sorts, different lengths and weights and materials. There was even one weird looking one, that when Mandi picked it up, Mommy Amelia explained was made from the inside of bicycle tires.

"What?"

"I had a bicycle crash, a good long while ago, and didn't want it to go to waste. I used the frame to make a shoe rack!"

Mandi giggled, and hurriedly put it down and picked up the next.

Her favorite, though, was a super-soft suede flogger, a midweight with plenty of heft behind it. It had looked a little intimidating when she'd first seen it, all black, unlike some of the prettier, rainbow and pastel colored floggers on the bed, but when she picked it up, her Mommy's eyes softened slightly, and Mandi suspected that this might be her Big's favorite.

Mommy Amelia encouraged her to try it out on her own arm, so she could see what it felt like.

It felt… right.

"This please," Mandi said. "Would you mind if we used this one, Mommy?"

Mommy Amelia leaned over and kissed her. "I wouldn't mind whatsoever. Come on, petal, up you get."

Mandi bounced up and looked excitedly toward her Mommy. "How would you like me?"

"On all fours, your tush up in the air. You think you can do that?"

Mandi wriggled in excitement. "Yes, yes, yes! I can do that, Mommy."

She shed clothes quicker than she'd ever shed clothes before, and clambered onto the bed, up on all fours, and unabashedly waved her bottom. "I'm ready, Mommy!"

Nothing happened at first, Mandi was left to feel the air cool against her tush, and the sensation of it made her give a tiny wiggle.

Mommy Amelia ran her hand over Mandi's backside, and those sensations went shivering up Mandi's spine, and all the way down to her core. "Let's go through a few ground rules first, yes?"

"But, Mommy…"

Mommy Amelia didn't say anything, just waited patiently, and Mandi gave up complaining, and said "Yes, Mommy," just as she was supposed to.

"We're using traffic lights?"

"Yes, please: green; yellow; and red."

"And what do those mean for you?"

"Green is go, go, go; yellow means pause for a breather; red means stop and check in with me."

"Not stop altogether?"

Mandi wriggled, but slightly awkwardly. "I have C-PTSD, Mommy, so sometimes something can trigger me and it only needs a slight adjustment, as opposed to a complete end to the scene. If that makes sense?"

Mommy Amelia knew exactly what C-PTSD was—complex post-traumatic stress disorder—and she knew what it meant. Her little girl had experienced ongoing trauma and abuse, rather than a single significant traumatic event, and so her trauma responses could vary in intensity and how they manifested. If she had anything to do about it, she was going to make sure Mandi felt protected and safe when they played. To look after her, the way that she always should have been. Leaning forward, Amelia kissed Mandi's shoulder. "It makes perfect sense. Thank you for explaining for me. You're such a good girl."

Those two words felt comforting, and Mandi let them seep into her body, warming every inch of her.

"Thank you, Mommy."

Mommy Amelia's hand massaged her tush and Mandi purred loudly. "You're an excellent girl, and I'm going to flog you today because of that. You deserve to feel good, babygirl, and I know that this will make you feel good."

It would, and it had been far too long since Mandi had felt the seductive pull of subspace.

"Are you ready, babygirl?"

"Yes, Mommy," said Mandi. "Completely green here."