10. Lane

Our third away game of the season is a win. After losing our first two matches of the season, and then barely squeaking out two ties on the road, a solid win feels good. I played well, and was part of the final drive and assist for our winning goal.

The ten-hour bus ride home is predictably awful, especially since everyone's so pumped up from the win. I overhear a bunch of them making plans to go to a frat party, so at least I know it'll be a quiet evening without Noah, Miah, and anyone else hanging around our dorm.

No one expects me to attend, although Danny Hastings asks me if I'd like to go. He's a nice guy, seems to get along with everyone and has really been the only one to attempt to be my friend here. We met at tryouts and I like him, but I'm not so great in social situations, and the idea of a frat party makes me very uncomfortable.

We have a six day stretch before a home game next Friday, which is the longest we've had since training started. Coach is even giving us the weekend off, and warned us to make sure we enjoy the break, because we've got two matches a week until Fall Break at the end of October, and we're going to be busting our asses if we want to have a chance in the ACC Tournament.

I had a rough start to the year, but I've been so busy with my class schedule, studying, my regular workouts, and soccer that I don't have time to think about anything else. It's good for me to stay busy. It gives me less time to overthink.

For example, Noah"s entire personality transplant. Instead of being thankful that he"s been relatively pleasant, I"m more on edge around him than usual. I don"t know how to be anything other than painfully awkward in his presence.

We"ve been doing yoga every evening after practice, and then Noah insists we have dinner together, staying home with me whenever I don't feel like being around all the people in the dining hall. We don"t talk much, or even sit close to each other, but we eat the same food at the same time. I"ve mostly been cooking on our small, one burner kitchenette stove, because it"s healthier than what Noah orders, although he always gets me the healthiest thing he can find on the menu without me asking. Tonight, though, we"re going to splurge and order one of those taco pizzas we tried our first night here.

"I think we should watch a movie tonight while we eat the pizza. Mix it up a little."

"Aren"t you going to go out with the guys or something?" He"s been spending more time at home than I expected him to, considering all his talk about parties and girls. It makes sense when we"re constantly exhausted from classes and training, but he has a full day to recover. "I thought you"d go to that frat party that Miah was talking about."

Noah scrunches his nose. "Hanging out with frat guys doesn"t sound like a ‘me' thing."

I laugh, because he"s right. He has an anti-establishment kind of vibe, and most of those frats are apparently pretty preppy. I'm not sure that Noah fits into any type of aesthetic. He's just… Noah.

"Miah won"t miss you?"

"Miah"s a big boy that can get into trouble all on his own, without my help."

Another chuckle escapes me, and I give in.

"Okay. Fine. Sure. A movie it is, then."

A couple hours later, we're settled on the couch with a pizza on the coffee table, and Noah is choosing a movie on his laptop.

"Alright, what"s your poison? What do you like?" he asks in response to my raised eyebrow.

"I don"t know, pick anything."

"You want to watch porn?"

My blood pressure spikes. "No! What? No. What"s wrong with you?"

Noah suppresses his laughter at my panic, but he can"t hide his trademark smirk. "Well, if you don"t want to watch porn, you"re gonna have to help me out here."

"What are the options?" I ask, bending forward to grab a piece of pizza. I nearly moan at the combination of flavors, it's really that good.

Noah stares at my mouth for a moment before turning back to the screen and clearing this throat. "We have fast internet and a low limit credit card that my dad gave us for expenditures. The world is at our disposal."

I feel like I"m probably going to make myself look like more of a loser than I already am, but I honestly don"t know. We didn't watch movies when I lived with my grandfather and I haven"t watched enough of them in the past four years to have a good enough grasp on what kind of movies I like.

"What"s your favorite?"

"You wouldn"t like it."

"What"s your favorite that isn"t porn?"

He laughs in a way that is contagious, and it makes me feel good to be the cause of it, even if it was just something dumb that I said.

"You wouldn"t like it," he says in a sing-song voice.

"Try me," I sing back, throwing a piece of tomato at him. He swats it and sends it right back in my direction. I catch it with my mouth and he high fives me. It's all so normal it hurts.

"My favorite movie of all time is The Rocky Horror Picture Show."

"Is it scary?"

"It might be to you," he says, chuckling.

"Does it have demonic stuff in it or something?"

"Much, much worse than that," he says, rolling his lips to keep from laughing. "How open-minded can you be?"

"How open-minded do I need to be?"

"It"s an old campy musical from the seventies about a transvestite mad scientist from space."

My mouth turns down as I process all of those words and try to imagine what this film would be like. "Transvestite?"

"It"s an old movie, and not exactly PC, but pretty woke for its time."

I don"t think I know what that word means, either.

Noah grabs the phone from my hand before I can open a browser. "No phones. It"s a movie night rule."

"What if something happens that I don"t understand?"

"Then you ask me," he says with a shrug.

Well, it"s not demonic, and it"s not porn. How bad could it really be?

"I don"t know how I feel about musicals, but the mad scientist from space sounds pretty cool."

Noah looks like he wants to jump up and down on the couch. "This is going to be epic."

He spends the entire movie watching me. I eat more pizza than I normally would just to have something to do with my face and hands, because I"m acutely aware of his eyes on me. But eventually there"s no more pizza, and there"s so much happening on the screen, I have to tune Noah out to focus on it. The main character is pretty out there. He"s wearing women"s lingerie and makeup, but weirdly, I kind of think he pulls it off.

I surprisingly like the music. More than that, I like the way Noah dances around in his seat, singing all the words to himself. I"m pretty sure he mouths most of the words to the movie, which is a little uncomfortable when Dr. Frank-N-Furter is singing about making the nearly naked, greased up, muscly dude into a man and touching him suggestively. I"m trying to hide my discomfort, if only to prove how open-minded I"m being.

My eyes cut over to Noah when Dr. Frank-N-Furter goes into a bedroom and seduces one of the girl characters.

"I thought he was gay?" I ask, proud of myself for how casually I ask the question.

"Wait for it…" Noah says. Then Frank goes into the bedroom of the other character, the girl"s fiancé, and seduces him, too.

"What is even happening here?"

Noah chuckles and continues watching me try to process the movie as it steadily gets more ridiculous. He laughs at my expressions through the rest of it, especially when the castle dislodges from the ground and flies off into space.

"So?" Noah asks. His eyebrows are raised excitedly, and I can tell that he really wants me to like this movie.

"I didn"t hate it," I say, and it"s not a lie. "I can"t say that I followed everything that was happening. But there were parts I liked." His eyes seem to implore me to go on, so I tell him I liked The Time Warp.

"Yes! Get up, I"ll teach you the dance."

"That is absolutely not happening."

"Come on, Lane. Don"t be boring."

"I"m not?—"

He"s giving me a very pointed look. After rolling my eyes so far back in my head I see grey matter, I stand up beside him while he pulls the song up on his laptop. He sings loudly, along with the lyrics. He doesn"t care if he sounds good or not, which he doesn"t, and I kind of love it.

I feel like an idiot, but I let him walk me through the moves. He doesn"t stop until the song is over, and I have to physically restrain him from starting it again. I'm laughing so hard my cheeks hurt, and Noah is watching me with an odd expression.

It registers that I am touching him again, and I pull back as if I"ve been burned. I busy myself with cleaning up from dinner, breaking down the pizza box and stuffing it into the trash can. It"s not quite full, but full enough to use it as an excuse to get out of the apartment for a few minutes. I let him know that I"m taking the trash out without looking at him, and flee from the apartment.

There"s a trash chute on our floor, but I need a little air, so I carry it downstairs and to the dumpster outside. Enjoying the quiet sounds of crickets, I take a seat on the bench and look up at the sky, thinking about the last words of the movie. About how humans are really nothing more than insects in the grand scheme of things. And I imagine God's hand reaching down from the sky and squashing me with his thumb.

After a while, I figure I should go upstairs before Noah comes looking for me. He seems clingy today. Although, now that I"ve made it weird, he might let me go to bed.

As I"m entering the building, two guys that I"m pretty sure are on the football team are coming out of the gym. I think I've seen them a few times while I'm working out, and they always give me strange looks. I'll probably come down here and lift tomorrow. I've been running so many drills lately, I've not kept up with my usual routine.

These two guys haven"t skipped any lifting, though. It calms me that I can notice their chiseled muscles and not think anything inappropriate. I"m not attracted to them in any way, shape or form.

Not that I"m attracted to any guy like that.

"Hey man," one guy says, and I snap my gaze away from his impressive calves. Did he catch me looking? I wasn"t looking at him like that, I was just noticing how big his calves are. Bigger than mine, I think.

"Hey," I say casually, moving past them.

"You doing alright?" The other guy asks with an odd expression on his face. I feel like they're watching me with concerned gazes.

"Yeah. You?" I have no idea how to respond to the way this stranger is looking at me like he knows me.

"All good, man. Have a good night," the first guy says, and they continue down the hallway.

I"m distracted enough by the strange interaction that I almost forget the tense atmosphere I"m returning to. Noah is sitting on the couch with his laptop when I walk back into the apartment.

"You go for a walk or something?"

"Or something," I reply, slipping my feet out of my slides.

Before I can make it halfway to my room, Noah calls out to me.

"Hey, Lane?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever watched porn?"

I stop in my tracks, eyes and mouth open wide in shock. "What?" My voice cracks. "Why would you ask me that?"

"We"re bro—friends. We"re friends, Lane. Friends talk about this shit."

I wasn't aware that not actively being hateful to each other makes us friends, but okay.

"You do yoga and watch gay movies and talk about porn with all your friends?"

"Nah, just the special ones," he says, waggling his eyebrows. His silliness takes the edge off my discomfort, but still.

Who asks someone questions like these?

Noah doesn't move, waiting for me to answer.

"I have never willingly watched pornography, no."

Thankfully, he doesn"t pick up on the subtext, but when he pats the couch cushion next to him, I nearly choke.

"You"re kidding, right?"

Please let this be another one of his bullshit jokes to make me uncomfortable. Because that would be preferable to this being a serious conversation.

"Come sit."

"Noah, I am not watching porn with you."

"Lane. Sit. Down."

I don"t know how I end up next to the couch, and I don"t know why I do as he says. I think I might have subconscious authority issues, because the moment he tells me to do something, my body rebels and automatically complies. The problem is that he knows it. It's a problem that's been haunting me since the first time he told me to take my dick in my hands.

I scoot as far away from him as I can.

"First rule of internet porn is never download anything, and don"t click anything suspicious. But there are sites, like this one, that have a lot of options for anything you could be looking for. There"s definitely some scary and questionable shit on here, so be careful what you search."

"Uh, thanks. It's unnecessary though, I don"t think I"ll be searching for anything."

"That"s fine. But I know you like to research things, and this site is pretty safe. If you were ever, you know, curious about anything."

Heat rises in my cheeks, and my ears burn. "Because I grew up so ignorant or because you think I"m gay?" I ask, indignantly.

"Yes?"

"Noah, I"m not?—"

"I don"t need to know. I don"t care if you"re gay or straight or anywhere in between. I don"t care if you"re in your room watching pterodactyl porn, as long as you send me the link when you"re done." He waggles his eyebrows again. I'm beginning to hate when he does that, because it makes me laugh even when I don"t want to. "We all need to let off some steam sometimes, you know? It"s stress relief. Probably better than yoga even."

I clear my throat and look down at the floor, saying a silent prayer that this conversation will be over soon. I"ve already had a very similar conversation with my mother. That was awkward enough. This is somehow worse, because he"s seen things my mother hasn"t.

"I don"t think it can help me, but thanks. I"ll, uh, keep it in mind." Before he can mortify me any further, I make a beeline to the bathroom to pee and brush my teeth, and then I all but run from the bathroom to my bedroom, breathing out a sigh of relief when the door latches without him trying to talk to me again.

Except there"s a text on my phone.

Noah: What do you mean by that?

Lane: By what?

Noah: What you said before, that you don't think it can help you.

Laying in the dark, I don"t answer for several moments. Long enough that the little dots that indicate Noah is typing come and go several times. I"ve decided not to answer and just roll over and go to sleep, but my phone vibrates again. Unable to control myself, I reach for it off the side table and check the message.

Noah: ?

Noah: I"m just trying to be a friend, I promise. I won't repeat anything you tell me or ever bring it up again.

Noah: You"re wound up tight, dude.

Understatement of the century, right there.

Now it"s my turn to type something, delete it, then type again.

Noah: Just say it, I won"t judge you.

What is it he thinks I"m going to say? Like there"s some big confession here or something. But then, the more times I try to type out the issue, I can"t find the words for it. Not any words I want to say to him, anyway.

Lane: I don"t know how to, honestly.

Noah: You have trouble getting it up?

Seriously? That"s what he thinks the issue is?

Lane: Clearly not.

Noah: Okay, yeah, that was dumb. Is it the porn itself? Because there"s really something for everyone on there.

Lane: No. I mean, I guess I haven"t tried.

Noah: No time like the present…

He has to be kidding me right now.

Noah: You jerking it yet?

Lane: Seriously?

Noah: Right. Inappropriate. Sorry.

Noah: Not trying to cross boundaries, just trying to help.

Lane: I can"t do it.

Noah: Do what?

Lane: Jerk off.

Noah: Again, not trying to bring up old shit, but…

The dots appear and reappear for so long I almost nod off. When a message finally comes through, it"s a link.

Noah: It"s safe to click, don"t worry.

Lane: Dude. Really?

That little bastard sent me a link called "Male Masturbation Instructional Video".

Noah: He"s uncut.

He doesn't say ‘like you', but the implication is there. It"s a reminder that he knows what my dick looks like, which makes it harden.

I watch the video, only because I figure an instructional video isn"t real porn. The guy is clinical, but really shows everything. Despite being clinical, he's attractive and is obviously enjoying every part of it. It makes me uncomfortably hard enough that I wrap my hand around myself and stroke along with the guy in the video. My eyes are glued to the way his foreskin moves, and I play with mine the way he does. It feels good. But then I think about how I"m watching another man jerk off, and I get in my head again.

I've long since given up and put my phone down when another text comes through.

Noah: Well?

Lane: Seriously?

Noah: What? Did it help?

I want to yell at him across the apartment, but I don"t want him to get any ideas and come in here.

Lane: No it didn"t help, you freak. I know how to do it, that"s not the issue.

Noah: So what is?

Lane: Just… no. I can"t talk about this with you.

Noah: Would it help if I shared?

Noah: One time I got a hand job, but she was just yanking on it and it hurt. So I pretended to come and then ran away.

Lane: How does a guy pretend to come?

Noah: Good point. She probably knew.

Lane: LOL

Noah: Do you trust me?

Lane: Not even a little bit.

Noah: Ouch.

Noah: Fair though.

Noah: I"m really sorry. Again.

I huff out a heavy breath. Am I really doing this?

Lane: I can"t do it by myself. I can"t… finish. I get too in my head.

Noah: In your head about what?

Lane: Guilt, eternal damnation…

Noah: Ah, so the usual things.

Noah: I heard it makes you blind ;)

Noah: In all seriousness, why do you think it worked with me?

Lane: Maybe on some level it felt out of my control? I could blame it on you.

Noah: It felt like you needed it.

Lane: I guess I did.

It's actually nice to talk about this, even if it's awkward as hell. I don't know why he's being so nice to me lately, and I don't entirely trust it, but I could get used to not fighting. Like brothers.

Noah: …

Noah: Take your cock out.

What? Okay, definitely not like brothers. I thought?—

A surge of blood rushes to my crotch before I can even consider what he"s doing.

Noah: Are you hard?

Noah: I'm serious.

Noah: Don"t ignore me or I"ll come in there.

Damn it.

Lane: Yes.

Noah: Yes, you"re hard or yes, you want me to come in there?

Lane: Yes, I"m hard. DO NOT come in here.

I try to put the idea of him coming in here out of my head, but my head really likes that idea. But that"s not happening. This shouldn"t be happening. Why am I letting him do this again?

Noah: Any pre-cum?

Lane: Yes.

Noah: Good, spread it down your shaft and use it to stroke that big dick of yours.

Is he really… Does he have to make it sound like he likes it so much? It sends weird sparks to my brain. I do what he says, though, using my arm to stifle a moan.

Noah: Wrap your hand around the bottom of the head and use your foreskin to jerk the head of your cock like the guy in the video.

Jesus, that feels good. Wait. He watched it? I nearly drop my phone on my face and prop it on the pillow next to me instead.

Noah: I bet you"re so close.

I can"t respond to him, but my eyes roll back, knowing that he knows what I"m doing and that he"s the one making me do it.

"Oh, god," I choke out.

Noah: You're going to need to be loud enough for me to hear you, or I won't know if it's working.

Groan.

Noah: Jerk yourself faster, get yourself close.

Noah: Harder, Lane.

I moan loudly this time, not able to keep it in.

Noah: That"s right.

Noah: When you come, I want to hear it.

My breath catches. Heavy tingling at the base of my spine radiates outward, and gooseflesh spreads over my skin.

"I"m so close," I whine, afraid that something will interrupt the moment. I don"t know if he can hear me, but?—

Noah: Come for me and let me hear who makes you come so good.

A choked groan makes its way up my throat as my orgasm overtakes me. My hips flex, thrusting into my fist.

Noah: Say it, Lane.

"Ffffffffuufuu Noah!"

Cum spurts everywhere, like a fountain. My chest and abs, the sheets around me, my boxers that are pushed down my thighs. My phone.

Panting heavily, I lay there in my mess, fully relaxed for the first time in weeks.

There's a noise in the hallway just outside my door, and the click of Noah's door shutting.

He was there. Listening.