Chapter 4

The nightmares werebad at first, but it was dreams of pink castles and flamingos swimming with me in heart-shaped pools and sparkly pink drinks with swirly straws that woke me up at three in the morning.

I could hear Annabelle’s light snore from her bedroom, and I did my best to focus on that when I was aware of my surroundings, aware of where I was and what had happened the day before.

For a moment there, just one moment, everything suspended right over me, as if waiting to fall on my chest and suffocate me, take my life away once and for all.

Then the moment passed, and I was still there, lying on Annabelle’s couch, staring at the small cracks on her ceiling, her snores my own personal melody. I imagined making something similar in a piano. I pressed imaginary keys made out of air, and in my head I heard the music. I always heard the fucking music, and maybe that’s how I’d gotten here. Maybe that’s why I’d been so stupid as to follow Brandon to this place when I had nothing of my own.

But how was I to know that it would haunt me like it was doing right now? How was I to know how big a hole regret could open in my chest?

Sleep, I told myself. Just sleep, and then I could think tomorrow. Just sleep and then I could make up my mind when the sun climbed up in the sky again.

Except the moment I closed my eyes, all I saw was the Paradise. All I saw was Mama Si with the colorful eyes and those women lounging by the pool, others partying with pink foam, the music in the air, the freedom that clung to those walls. The same freedom that she promised me. Good ole Fall Hayes from Detroit, with no past and no present and no fucking future to speak of. Me.

So, when dawn came, it was useless to even try to tell myself that there was any doubt left. It was useless to pretend that I was okay with living in Roven, working two jobs with the very real possibility that I’d run into Brandon at any given moment. I’d run into him and his girlfriend, and I’d be reminded that now she was the one sleeping in my bed. I’d be reminded that I’d always put his clothes and his meals and his everything first to make sure he looked his best when he went to work, just so his mistress could appreciate all of it.

How fucking comical—but I’d be reminded of it very often, I suspected, and I would not be laughing at the fact, either.

No, I’d want to pull all my hair out for allowing myself to get in this position in the first place. For putting my trust in another person the way I knew I ought to do only in myself. I knew this—I’d known since I first started to understand life. Since my grandmother repeatedly reminded me of how lucky I was that she hadn’t left me out in the street to starve when her daughter—my mother—died. Since she repeatedly reminded me that I was alive because she fed me and clothed me and allowed me to live with her in her trailer.

I knew I shouldn’t depend on anyone, but I’d told myself that Brandon was different. We grew up together. I knew Brandon.

Look at me now.

So, despite the part of me that fought me tooth and nail until sunrise, and despite every reason I gave myself as to why this was a bad, awful, horrible idea, my mind was made up. Despite my identity crisis, all parts of me agreed on one thing: no relying on anyone else ever again for anything. It was just me now, and I was going to make my own life somewhere far away from here. I was going to buy myself a house and a car—and a goddamn piano. I was going to go to school and be the best player the world has ever seen.

But to do that, I needed money. I needed freedom.

And I’d already been promised it.

I told Annabelle I was going back home. As awful as that made me feel, I was looking to make this a bit easier on myself and I didn’t want to have to answer questions. I didn’t want her to know that I’d be here, in Roven still. I had coffee with her that morning, and I hugged her goodbye as I walked down the street, hurrying in case Brandon and his girlfriend came out of the building while I was still there.

Forty minutes later, I was in front of the golden gates of Mama Si’s Paradise—and I’d come to stay.

Regret slipped into me slowly,almost unnoticed.

I’d spent half the night staring at the ceiling and being sure of my decision, knowing this was the right path for me. I’d spent half the night preparing, yet now here I was, sitting in a chair that probably cost more than all the money I’d ever had, doubting my choices again.

It was that room—Mama Si’s office. It was the hallway outside it. It was the entire goddamn mansion, the way the woman who saw me at the door called it. The Paradise mansion, and I had come to tell its owner that I was staying.

If only I could stop sweating.

The door behind me opened, and I jumped to my feet, ready to start running. This place was full of predators, my instincts said. Full of them coming to devour me.

When I saw Mama Si’s face, that small smile on her red lips and the glistening in her eyes made of colors, the feeling only intensified. She was most definitely a predator—and I was the helpless little prey that had come running right into her claws.

Get yourself together! I told myself in my head.

I was just scared. She was only a woman. It wasn’t as bad as I made it seem.

“Fall Doll, you came,” Mama Si said, coming into the room so gracefully. Behind her was the same woman who’d been holding the umbrella for her yesterday. I hadn’t noticed anything about her before, too overwhelmed by the Paradise and everything in it. She was a bit shorter than me, round cheeks and long brown hair she kept tied behind her head. Big brown eyes that looked almost black and thin lips covered in sheer gloss. She wore a leather jacket and black pants instead of the blue uniform everyone else around here had on.

“Let me look at you,” Mama Si said, coming to stand in front of me, offering me her hands.

I don’t know why I reached out mine when the last thing I wanted to do was touch her. Fuck, the air smelled of roses again, so intense, and it held music in it, too. But the moment I put my hand between both hers—gloved—it felt like some of the heavy weight on my shoulders was lifted a little bit.

She looked as impeccable as yesterday, hair blonde and smooth, looser on the back, but the curls that framed her face were just as tight. She wore a dark blue dress this time, open in the front down to her belly button, showing off her breasts, the smooth skin of her chest and stomach. Her makeup was flawless, like it wasn’t there at all—which was impossible. Nobody’s skin looked like that without foundation and contouring and powders and a million other things.

“You look afraid,” she then said as she analyzed me. “You look overwhelmed.”

I tried to talk, to tell her that it was just the nerves or something, but I couldn’t find my voice yet, not when she squeezed my hands like that.

“But you also look excited—am I right?” With a smile, she finally let go.

It was like a spell was lifted from me at the same time, and the weight I carried on my shoulders returned.

What the hell was it about this woman?

“I’m…I’m fine,” I managed to say, nodding once at her friend as she followed Mama Si deeper into the room.

“You certainly are,” Mama Si said, going to sit behind the white desk with the gold and silver foil decorating the edges. She waved for me to sit down again, too, while her friend went to stand next to what I assumed were windows covered by chocolate-colored drapes.

For a moment there, Mama Si looked at me in silence. Really looked at me, so focused you’d think she could read invisible letters on my skin.

“She’s the one,” she then whispered, looking up at her friend who gave an approving nod. “Oh, yes, she’s definitely the one.”

I swallowed hard. “We, um…we didn’t really talk about working hours or payment or…or anything yesterday.”

Mama Si leaned over the desk, grabbed a pen from the holder and a Post-it notepad near a big leather binder. She wrote something on it without ever looking away from my face, then she put it on the table in front of me.

“That’s your weekly payment. Your living quarters, the food you eat, the clothes you wear from this moment on will be provided by me.”

I looked at the number she’d written on the note. Six thousand dollars.

Six thousand fucking dollars per week on top of everything else?

My stomach twisted and turned a million different ways. It’s too much, I wanted to say. Way too much money.

What the hell was I going to do with all that money? Even Brandon made less than half that—it was too much!

And the panic that gripped me by the throat was almost funny.

I bit on my tongue hard. “Thank you.” Not it’s too much. Not I don’t deserve this—just thank you, because regardless of whether it was too much or whether I deserved it, I needed it. I needed this money.

“You’re very welcome, Fall Doll. I can’t wait to see who you’ll become under my care,” Mama Si said.

My cheeks felt so, so warm I was afraid to touch them. They could very well burn my fingers. “What, um…what…what exactly is my…you know. My job?” She’d showed me the pool and the girls, but we’d never actually spoken about it. I’d been way too distracted to ask yesterday, and I needed to know despite how good the number looked on that piece of paper. Despite what it meant for me to be paid that.

It meant everything that had run through my mind all night could actually happen. A life for myself—my dream life could actually become reality.

“Your job is to look beautiful, Fall Doll. Our clients love beautiful things,” Mama Si said, leaning back on her chair. “I assure you, it won’t be a problem. You’re already gorgeous, but by the time my team is done with you, very little in this place will be more beautiful than you.” And she winked at me. I felt like I might have swallowed liquid fire. It burned on the way down to my stomach, and…maybe not entirely in a bad way. “Your job is to entertain—whatever that might mean. There’s time to talk about specifics once we’re a step closer to you actually doing what you’re being paid to do.” She smiled sneakily and the overhead lights made her look even more alluring than the sunlight had. “How does that sound?”

It didn’t really sound so bad, did it? Entertain. I could entertain. I could sit around a pool and drink with other girls and have fun. I could do that, couldn’t I?

“I’m…I’m not sure,” I said, despite my better judgment. “I…I don’t have any work experience, Mama Si. I’ve never worked a day in my life, so I don’t know. I don’t want you to expect something from me that I can’t deliver.” No matter how good that money sounded, if I couldn’t do what she expected of me, we were both going to end up disappointed.

But the look the woman gave me might have had me believing that we were old friends and she was in fucking awe of me all of a sudden.

“I won’t expect anything you can’t give me. I promise you that,” she then said. “I just want you to enjoy my Paradise, Fall Doll. Enjoy it. Let it work its magic on you. Let it fulfill you. Trust me, you can give me everything I can possibly need if you choose to.”

The way she said it, I couldn’t figure out if it was a promise for real—or a fucking threat.

I realized I was way too vulnerable right now to make big decisions, but I also knew I wasn’t going to let that stop me. At this point, what other options did I have, anyway?

“What if I can’t, though? What if I don’t fit in?” What if I hated this place and I couldn’t do whatever the hell she meant by entertainment? I needed to know this first.

Mama Si began to tap her gloved fingernails to the tabletop. “There are no contracts in my Paradise. You’re free to leave any time you please.”

It was like she’d put the world right in my hands, even if she wasn’t all too happy about it.

“All I ask of you is this: give the Paradise time to convince you that it truly is as its name suggests. Give it enough time, and then choose whether you want to stay or leave.”

I swallowed hard. “A year. I’ll accept your offer for a year.” If I made six thousand a week, that was almost three hundred thousand dollars in a year, and I planned to save every penny. I could start my life by next summer with that much money. I could actually build my life with my time here.

“A year is more than I’ll ever need,” Mama Si said, both hands pressed to her chest as she smiled at me so lovingly—so then why were my instincts all over the place?

Doesn’t matter, I told myself, and when she stood up, so did I. When she offered me her gloved hand, I reached out for it, too.

“Welcome to my Paradise, Fall Doll,” Mama Si whispered. “May you feel the magic all the way to your bones.”

And that washow I officially became one of Mama Si’s dolls.

Of course, I didn’t know it yet, but I’d find out soon enough. The most important thing is that that was where my adventure truly began.

“Assa,what do you say we show Fall Doll here her room, huh?” Mama Si said to her friend, and Assa gave me a knowing smile.

“Any time, Mama Si. The room is ready,” she solemnly said.

“Splendid!” She put my hand in her left one, and she didn’t let go of me as she came around the desk again. No, she walked with me all the way to the door and out, and it felt so fucking strange to be walking hand in hand with an older woman. She held onto it like she cherished it—in both hers, squeezing me every few steps, like she loved me. Like she wanted me to stick to her side forever.

No idea what it was about her touch that put me so at ease but right now I appreciated it.

“There’ll be time for exploration. Right now, we need to focus on unlocking the new Fall,” Mama Si said as we walked down the hallway with windows on one side, and doors and large paintings on the other. Crystal chandeliers dotted the ceiling. The floor was set in a rich rose-colored carpet, so thick my feet sank in it with each step. “And you shouldn’t have taken that awful bag with you—I told you not to bring anything with.”

“Those are just my—” essentials, I was going to say, my toothbrush and my panties, a comb and a change of clothes, and my books.

“Assa will take care of it. Please give it to her, doll.” The tone of her voice implied that it wasn’t a request—it was an order.

“I have a few books in there. And let me just get my phone.” I grabbed it from the side pocket, but…

“We’ll put your books in your room, but no phones allowed in the Paradise, I’m afraid,” Mama Si said. “My dolls do not wither behind a screen all day, dear. We have a theatre if you want to watch movies and TVs if you want to listen to music or watch news, but we don’t do smartphones.”

No smartphones.

Assa was suddenly by my side, looking down at my bag, silently asking me to hand it over. I let my phone slip back into the side pocket and gave it to her, almost like I was fucking hypnotized. I didn’t really need that stupid phone anyway. It was full of pictures of Brandon and pianos and birds.

“The east wing of the second floor is where your room is. Please try to remember that,” Mama Si was saying as she led me up a set of stairs at the end of the hallway, not the main ones I’d taken to get to her office this morning.

“What about the—” bathroom, I wanted to say, but again, she wouldn’t let me speak.

“Everything else will be shown to you during the day—don’t you worry your pretty little head about it.”

Well, if she said so…

“Here we are.”

The hallway was just as wide as the one downstairs, except there were no windows here, no natural light streaming through from the outside, just lamps mounted on the walls, chandeliers hanging on the ceiling, and white wooden doors with golden doorknobs spread out on both sides.

Mama Si stopped me at the third door left, let go of my hand, and pushed it open.

The moment she wasn’t touching me anymore, I felt the cold currents coming my way—or maybe it was just because of the door she opened?

Possibly. Probably.

“Come on in!” she sang, and I did, as if lured in by a fucking siren. Assa was right behind me, and when I froze two steps into the room, she almost slammed onto my back.

It was out of this world.

“Well? What do you think?” Mama Si asked me, hands folded in front of her, smiling sneakily because she knew exactly what I thought.

What else was there to think about the size of it alone—twice as big as the one-bedroom apartment I’d lived in with Brandon until yesterday. The colors, pale pinks and purples and yellows masterfully mixed together, from the yellowish transparent duvet on the bed to the fluffy pink rugs and the purple flowers painted on the walls. Most importantly, two sets of big windows were opposite the door, looking out at the ocean.

Looking out at the fucking ocean.

Too much, my mind screamed at me.

“I-I-I…” I couldn’t find words to tell her that bed was way too big for me—it could probably fit four grown people comfortably.

Mama Si laughed a bit, and the sound of it was warm and cold at the same time. She put her hands on my shoulders, and it was impossible to look away from her colorful eyes that sparkled like precious jewels right now.

“Glad you like it. This is your room, and your room only. Nobody can enter those doors without your permission. I only provide the best for my dolls because that’s the only thing I am willing to accept from them in return.” She winked at me. “So, take your time. Relax. Rest a bit. Enjoy your new beginning, Fall Doll. Let Mama make all your dreams come true.” Slowly, she leaned closer and closer until her lips pressed to my forehead.

Every inch of my body rose in goose bumps. My eyes squeezed shut tightly and I felt her lips all the way to my core. She moved back, but that kiss remained with me, as if it had infiltrated my body. As if it was becoming one with me.

I must have been so much more exhausted and overwhelmed than I realized to be feeling these strange things. But Mama Si and Assa left the room while I was still trying to take in all my surroundings, as well as everything else that was going on inside me. The door clicked closed and I was suddenly all alone, without a single clue what to do with myself.

But I’d done it. I’d actually come to Mama Si’s Paradise and I’d accepted her offer to entertain, and she’d promised to make all my dreams come true, and now I was here.

I was here.

My legs took me forward, and before I knew it, I was by the windows, looking out at the ocean. I could see the blue sky and the water perfectly, as well as three levels of pools that were part of the mansion. They were far below the windows and right now all three were empty, and there were big trees to the sides, so I didn’t see much else from here, but I saw the ocean.

Right now, there was no line that separated it from the sky. They were one and the same, the perfect blend of a million shades of blue.

And in those moments, I was willing to bet anything that they were both made of magic.