CHAPTER ELEVEN

Sadie

A Week Later

This past week, I missed a couple of calls from Maverick, but after the incident at the hospital and how I left, I feel guilty and don't really know what to say to him.

So, instead, I don't answer his calls.

I've been super busy with culinary school and business classes and have been purposely trying to keep myself occupied for the last week. But today is supposed to be my tutoring session with Clover, and even though I am currently ready to go, I'm sitting here on the edge of my bed, and for some reason, I can't find the strength to go to the clubhouse.

So I just sit.

Thinking about how I've fought so hard to escape criminal life.

How can I slide right back into one?

Turning, I grab my backpack and begin unpacking, deciding not to go to the clubhouse and pull out my cell to text Clover.

Me:Hi, Clover. I am so sorry, but I am going to have to miss our session today. I apologize for the late notice. Just for your information, I will contact Mrs. Bedford to find a replacement tutor for you. I wish you nothing but the best. You're an amazing young girl, Clover. You deserve everything and more. Sadie x

I hover over the send button, hesitating for a moment, when a vision of Maverick covered in blood flashes behind my eyes. My bottom lip quivers, and I hit send. After throwing my cell on my bed, I flop beside it.

I feel utterly terrible.

But I know it's for the best.

Tears well in my eyes. I know this will hurt Clover, but the way Maverick was so adamant about the club being like a family, I don't want to be dragged into something I can't get out of.

My phone pings beside me, the high-pitched tone shocking me. I reach for my cell, bringing it closer to my face to see Clover has replied.

Clover: This is all Mav's fault, isn't it? He's pushed you away. You were so great to me, you were truly helping, and now he's gone and done something to make you leave. I am so fucking angry at him!

My heart aches to see the clear anger she is holding toward her brother. I never, ever want to put a wedge between them, so even as the tears stream down my cheeks, I type back another message.

Me:This honestly has everything to do with whether or not I want to be associated with the club. I know Mav hates me, so the tension is not the best work environment for you or me. You need a tutor who works well with all of your family and who is also accepting of the club. That just isn't me, Clover.

My tears fall harder now, my stomach pulling on itself. I know I'm tearing at Clover's heart, and it makes me feel like a complete asshole. Maybe I am. Maybe I am the asshole here, but I just don't see any other option.

Clover:Okay :(

I inhale sharply, seeing her one-word response. It hits me like a sucker punch to the chest. I never wanted to hurt her. I feel a true, honest bond with Clover, but I must protect myself—even if it hurts like hell.

Wiping my eyes, I stand, moving toward the kitchen. Baking always makes me feel better. And right now, I need something to take my mind off breaking Clover's heart. So I move around the kitchen quickly, getting to work on baking various things.

I'm covered in frosting when my cell begins to ring. I glance down to see flashing ‘Maverick Calling.' My heart leaps into my throat as I watch his name light up my screen. My breathing stops, and I gnaw on my bottom lip. Flaring my nostrils, I return to my baking, continuing to let it ring out.

Though my anxiety continues to peak, I try to get on with the next part of the recipe. Then the phone starts wailing again, my entire body tensing as his name flashes across the screen once again.

"Fuck," I murmur.

I watch the screen and let it go to voicemail, but this time he leaves a message.

"This should be good." Opening voicemail, I hear it connect, and he wastes no time.

"What the fucking fuck, Sadie? I don't give a fuck what you think about me or the damn club. This shit is not fair to Clover. This stunt you've pulled is only going to put her back even more. This shit's completely unprofessional. And to be honest, miss goody-fucking-two-shoes, I thought you had bigger balls than this. Shows what I know." He lets out a long huff.

"Seems I had you pegged from the start. Flakey and a coward. Hurt me all you fucking want, but at least have the damn decency to pick up the fucking phone and say a proper goodbye to Clover, you selfish, entitled, fucking bit—" He stops himself before he says anything too damaging.

My bottom lip quivers, hearing the clear anger and hurt in his tone.

"Just call Clover. She deserves that, at least." Then he ends the call.

I can't hold it in anymore. Any kind of restraint I was trying to keep in, breaks, and I burst into a river of tears. With my head in my hands, gut-wrenching sobs leave my body. Not because Maverick is so clearly angry at me and said some pretty shitty things, but because of the one phrase that stood out above everything else—Hurt me all you want.

My leaving the clubhouse and stopping tutoring Clover hurt him, even if he didn't realize he was saying it. I don't get it, though. Everything between us so far has been like walking on broken glass. Both of us were at each other's throats.

All that message has done is confuse me even more. With tears streaming down my face, I turn back to the mess in the kitchen.

Even baking seems too fucking hard right now.

I will clean all this up later.

Right now, I need to have a shower to wash off the stain of the mess I have created.

Walking to my bedroom, sniffling as I go, I enter the bathroom, pulling off my clothing and throwing it to the floor without caring where it lands. Once I make it to the shower, completely naked, I turn it on, then step in, feeling the weight of the water flow over me, but even it feels heavy.

Everything feels so fucking heavy.

I let Clover down.

That feels like the worst thing of all. Knowing I have affected Maverick, too, moves something inside me I didn't know was there. There's been something about Maverick since we first met. I'm undeniably attracted to him, but his attitude has always put me off.

But maybe it's only because he's so harshly defending his family, and I have never had that in my life. My family neverstuck up for me.

And that's when I realize it.

Why I am so angry at Maverick.

I'm jealous of his family dynamic!

Yes, I have an okay relationship with Wes now, but it wasn't always that way. Honestly, it could change at any moment. Not only that, Maverick doesn't just have Clover and Haven—he has an entire club to call a family.

And I am jealous of that fact.

Seeing how they all banded together at the hospital made me envious. It caused me to think about my life before I fled and how it was anything but that.

My family and the people around me were vicious and cruel. It was a fight for survival. Being invited around the club's family atmosphere just brought it home that I've never had that. And now the fact that maybe I had a chance at having a life like that, and I threw it away because it scared me, that I hurt not only Clover and Maverick because of my insecurities, it's eating me alive.

As the realization of all of this hits like a freight train, the emotion is too much, and I let out heavy, gut-wrenching sobs. Tears stream down my face as my palm comes up, slamming against the tiled wall in my despair. I slam my palm repeatedly while I scream loudly, letting out my frustrations.

Banging on the tiles to try and release some of my pent-up emotions isn't working. All it's doing is making me weak. Slowly, I slide down to the bottom of the shower, crying, completely spent. I bring my knees up to my chest and rock back and forth.

I'm weak.

A failure

A burden.

I'd be better off if they found me.

Then I couldn't ruin other people's lives, like they ruined mine.

The Next Day

My eyes are swollen, heavy, and red. I'm mentally and physically drained from my breakdown in the shower last night, but in the light of a new day, as they say, the show must go on.

I pulled myself out of bed this morning and somehow managed to get to culinary school on time.

The voice message from Maverick has been playing on my mind all day.

I need to call Clover and make this right.

I go to pick up my cell and call her before I settle in for a long night of study when my cell rings in my hand. My eyes widen, not knowing the number. I hesitate for a moment but then slowly swipe it to answer.

"Hello?" I ask hesitantly.

"Sadie? Hi, it's Ingrid… from the club."

My eyes widen in shock. Of all the people to call me, Ingrid is not one I was expecting, but I am pleasantly surprised. "Ingrid, hi! How are you? How's the baby?"

"That's actually why I am calling you. I didn't know who else to ring, being in a new city and all."

I tilt my head. "Okay, how can I help?

"As you know, South and I came to LA because of his sister, Bella, and her medical issues. That job in itself is a full-time gig. Now adding a newborn into the mix is proving… difficult."

Furrowing my brows, I sigh. "I'm not sure exactly what you're asking, Ingrid?"

"We need someone to help with Louis while we're caring for Bella."

My eyes widen as I let out a mocking laugh. "Ah… I'm honored you thought of me. I'm not sure if you know, but I'm not even sure I will be tutoring Clover anymore. Getting involved in the club really isn't my thing."

Ingrid sighs down the line. "Sadie, you've already seen how the club works. You know the people. Everyone trusts you, and we know you need the cash, so South and I are willing to make it worth your while. You can come here. You can help out with Louis and tutor Clover at the same time. Kill two birds with one stone. The club will pay you one thousand a session to do this, Sadie."

I choke on thin air and then try to catch my breath. "You mean a week?"

"No. A day."

My head spins as I cling to the table for better support. "Holy shit," I whisper to myself, knowing that with my student debt, there's no possible way I can turn this down.

And maybe, just maybe, going back to the club will relieve some of this guilt I'm carrying.

"Okay, I'll do it. And I will come back to help Clover."

"Wise decision. You're a good fit for us, Sadie. You'll see that the more time you spend here," Ingrid offers.

Exhaling at the enormity of this, I steady my shoulders. "Okay, when do you need me?"

"You have culinary school most days, right?" Ingrid asks.

"Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday all day, half day on Tuesday mornings."

"Okay, so we will endeavor to make appointments for Bella on Tuesday afternoons and Fridays. You can always bring your laptop to the clubhouse and do your business studies here if necessary during your downtime."

"Thanks, Ingrid. I appreciate you guys giving me a second chance at this."

"Thank you for coming back. We need the help." I let out a long sigh, my mind shifting to Maverick and the tone of his voice in the message.

Seeing him after that is going to be…

Hard.

Difficult.

Strange.

But I need to make this right with Clover.

Even if Maverick never talks to me again, I need to ensure Clover is taken care of, and now baby Louis too. I just have to put everything that has happened aside and start afresh.

It's the only way to get through this.

"Okay, so you will call me when you need me?" I ask.

"Well, technically, Clover needs a makeup session of tutoring. South and I haven't been able to go and check on Bella since we brought Louis home to the clubhouse. You think you could spare a couple of hours tonight for Clover's catch-up and to watch Louis?"

I glance at the clock—it's just past five-thirty. It won't hurt to take my laptop so I can work on some of my business stuff after I tutor Clover and then put Louis to bed.

"Yeah, sure. You want me to drop by now?"

"I'd love it if you could. Clover's been dying to see you, and South is going crazy about checking on Bella. I'll be a club hero if I can knock off two birds with one stone."

"Me being the stone." I chuckle.

Ingrid laughs. "Exactly. I'll see you soon?"

"I'll just get my shit together and drive over now. Don't tell Mav or Clover I'm coming. I don't want him standing at the gates with a gun aimed at my head."

Ingrid chuckles. "I doubt that would be the case, darling. But I promise I won't tell them. They can be surprised when you arrive. I know Clover will be ecstatic."

"Thank you for this, Ingrid."

"You're welcome. See you soon." Ingrid ends the call.

Standing, my feet find it hard to move, so I take a moment to let this truly sink in.

I'm going back to the clubhouse.

Does this move scare me? Fuck yes!

But sometimes, we must do things we're scared of to get by. And if doing this for a little while is going to get my student loans paid off in record time, then maybe I just need to suck this up.

I also need to mend fences with Clover because she deserves so much better than what I gave her.

Steadying my shoulders, I prepare myself. "You can do this, Sadie. You can do this!"

I hope I'm not right about Maverick waiting for me at the gates, locked and loaded, ready to fire.