31. Jasper

On break from uni, Nancy is over, and we're sitting on my bed. She's telling me about the new guy she"s been seeing, but I'm not actually listening, spaced out instead, thinking about Reece. It's been weeks since I've seen him and almost just as long since we've texted. Stupidly, I miss him.

"Jasp, are you even listening?" Nancy asks rather loudly, causing me to mumble out a stunned ‘huh' before biting down on my lip, admitting, "Sorry Nanc, no I was lost in my head."

"Thinking about him?" she questions me. I'm annoyed that I don't even need to hear his name to know exactly who she's referring to.

"Yeah, I know I shouldn"t be thinking such salacious thoughts about my enemy. And I most certainly should not be committing sins of the flesh with him but I can"t fight it anymore."

Nancy smiles widely at my admission. That unnerves me. "You"re in love with him, aren"t you?"

I shake my head. "One cannot love the one they"re born to hate, Nancy."

She scoffs at me, shaking her head also. "That is a fallacy, Jasper. There is but a fine line between love and hate, and you"ve crossed it, my dear friend."

I sigh deeply, exhaling with my admittance, "I don"t love him." Nancy frowns at me, her pout mirroring my own. "I cannot love him, and be the man my father wishes I be."

"You need to live and love the way your heart chooses. Do not let others, especially your parents, choose your path."

Again I sigh, this time sliding across the bed to hug her. "I love you, Nancy. You"re the greatest of friends."

"I love you too, Jasper," Nancy responds, her tone mellow. Our love is different; platonic.

"Why couldn"t I love you like a man loves a woman?" I verbalise it more as a statement than a question.

"Because that isn"t your desire, Jasp. Your sexuality is not that way."

I laugh softly, divulging, "I don"t know what my sexuality is." Nancy doesn't appear shocked by my confession, so I continue stumbling on my words, "I…it has always confused me with how I feel about and how I"m attracted to others."

Nancy smiles at me once more. "Well, simple question…are you attracted to just guys, or both girls and guys?"

"It"s not that simple, Nanc. I don"t honestly care about gender. It"s the person for me, not their gender."

Nancy again smiles, this time giggling. "Jasp, my dearest, it sounds like you"re pansexual."

I ponder the word in my head, testing it out. It feels right, so I respond to Nancy with a laugh, "Yeah, and by god if Father knew the sins my sexuality has caused me to commit."

Nancy shakes her head. "Jasper, you need to let go of the notion of sin. Go to confession and bare all, seek absolution and make peace with who you are."

"You make that seem so simple. I will be judged and cast out for being with the enemy, a man, not a woman."

"That may be so, but let me ask you this…" she pauses and I look at her expectantly. "Is being with Reece worth being cast out?"

I nod. There is no other response to that question. "Yes. He causes my heart to ignite and sets my entire body alight and we have not even copulated."

Nancy laughs. "You and your big words. Just say fucked, Jasper."

"Fucked," I say testing the word out on my tongue. "We haven"t fucked."

"You want to be fucked?" Nancy questions, quirking her eyebrow up and laughing.

"Yeah, I want to be fucked by Reece Montserrat," I respond, both of us erupting into laughter together and falling back on the bed.

"Then go to confession and afterwards, let your man worship you, Jasper."

"Eww, Nancy."

She laughs again, standing up and heading out, calling out to me, "I"m going to go and get fucked myself."

"Too much information, Nanc!"

Once Nancy leaves,I quickly dress in some nicer clothes–three quarter jeans and a button down chambray shirt–that I roll the sleeves of up to my elbows. I slip on some loafers, grab my phone and head out to go to confession.

* * *

At the church,I get out of the car hesitantly after parking out front. The catholic church I grew up going to every Sunday until recently looks foreboding, causing apprehension to bubble in my stomach as I take each stone step up to the wooden double entrance doors. My heart is galloping in my chest. I'm so nervous just being in the church, let alone about to confess to a priest of the sins I've committed with Reece. I know they're sins of the flesh–and mind–but they've never felt like sinning. It's never felt like sinning with him.

Exhaling deeply, I shove my hands against the double doors and they easily swing open. The moment I step into the foyer I gasp for breath, my throat feels dry as though I've stepped into a place devoid of oxygen.

Swallowing hard I start to walk down the aisle of the church towards the altar and confessional boxes. There's not another soul around which doesn't do a thing to calm my nerves.

There is a priest in the confession box closest to the altar and I slip into the parishioner's side, sitting down on the ledge seat and exhaling a deep sigh.

His voice is deep, "Confess your sins dear child of God."

Again I exhale deeply, puffing my chest out as I let the words out, "I"m falling for the enemy."

The priest doesn't respond. I can hear his heavy breathing. I continue my confession, "I"ve let him violate my body and I"ve craved the pleasure. Wanted the sin of sex without population."

"Your sins have been heard, dear child of God. And you have been absolved of all your sins upon your confession," the priest announces, softly exhaling before asking calmly, "Do you have any other worldly concerns for discussion?"

Once more I take in a deep breath, loudly verbalising with my exhale, "I"m going to let him fuck me."

I leave without letting the priest respond to that. Shoving the door of the confessional box open, I only hear his shocked gasp as I run out of the church with my chest heaving.

As I get in my car, I inhale gulps of air and text Reece.

Come to my house. 125 Mount Vemore Views Rd.

Why?

I want to sin with you.

Sinning sounds fun, What do you have in mind?

The ultimate sin.

I pocket my phone and start my car before driving home in haste, thinking about being with Reece completely.