10. Jasper

Sitting in the common room, I'm staring absentmindedly at the sandwich in my hand. Nancy is sitting beside me, munching on her own sandwich. I like that even though she doesn't–isn't allowed to–attend Valley View she can still come hang out to have lunch with me.

Today I'm feeling out of sorts, still thinking about what I did last night–in my dorm room–with Reece. With a Montserrat and a guy at that. I let him see me naked, let him kiss me and touch me until I committed the ultimate sin. I gave into the temptation–and felt the sin of pleasure–multiple times. Nancy must notice my off mood. She gulps down a bite of her sandwich, asking abruptly, "Jasp, are you ok?"

"Um…yes…no," I stammer, taking a big bite of my sandwich so I don't have to say anything for a moment whilst I collect my thoughts.

"Jasp, you can tell me anything," Nancy prompts.

I lift my gaze to hers, responding, "I know. It's just that I did something bad."

"How bad?"

"Well, Reece snuck into my room last night and we kissed again."

"That isn't bad, Jasp. Did something else happen?"

I nod, taking another bite of my sandwich. I can't believe I'm about to admit to my sins, to actually voice them to my best friend.

"We…um…got naked," I begin, feeling my cheeks heating with the confession. Nancy gasps but doesn't utter a single word.

"And then he touched me…my penis…and I gave into the pleasure until I had an orgasm…twice."

Again Nancy gasps, and then giggles with her question, "Did you like it?"

"Yeah, Nanc, but I shouldn"t," I admit, trying to stop my mind from wandering back.

"Why?"

"Because it"s a sin," I respond, shaking my head. "Doing those things with a guy."

"Who says?" Nancy snaps, balling her fists as though she wants to beat up someone for filling my mind with the knowledge of sin.

"My parents, the church. God."

She laughs, shaking her head animatedly. "Jasp, it"s the 21st damn century. Who cares?" She's not wrong. We don't live in the dark ages. But I still care about doing the right thing.

"Me, Nanc. I care."

"You shouldn"t," my best friend responds, adding with a smile, "Love who you love."

I scoff, taking a final bite of my sandwich and a sip of coffee that I forgot was even on the table in front of me. It's tepid so it doesn't taste very appetising, but I take a few more sips before responding to Nancy with a snip in my voice, "I don"t love Reece. I hate him."

Nancy laughs. "Hate is also a sin, Jasp. Some say it is one of the deadly sins."

Panic rises in my chest and I gulp hard. "So you"re saying I"m going to hell regardless?"

"No, Jasper. But you can"t live life in this world chained to the past teachings. Things are not as they were when the church ruled." Again she's showing she's wise beyond her years.

"I know, Nanc. But I can"t just let go of all I"ve been taught, of all I know," I tell her, finishing my coffee. I'm ready to leave, to check out from this conversation but Nancy"s glare pins me to the spot still.

"That is but true Jasp. But you need to trust your heart. It won"t steer you wrong."

"My heart is not of a concern when it comes to Reece," I sneer and again Nancy laughs as though she's mocking me.

"Don"t be so sure. Our bodies are governed by our hearts."

"Need you talk in riddles, Nanc," I chastise her, annoyed. Nancy is wise and knowledgeable in regard to history, but sometimes her words confuse me.

"Just think about it Jasper," she instructs, reaching out to touch my hand on the table. "And listen to your heart. Let it guide your hand in painting your heart"s desire."

I don't respond but stand from the table now we've finished lunch. I smile at my best friend, and air kiss her cheeks before going to art class.

Sittingin front of my canvas, holding up the brush against the taut fabric I'm breathing heavily in concentration. Our instructions for the class were to paint with our minds" eye. To not think too hard about what we're painting and just let the brush do the talking.

To achieve this I close my eyes, moving my brush in slow strokes over the canvas. Whilst painting I softly hum a tune, and I don't even open my eyes as I dip my brush into the paints beside me. It's odd just letting go, and painting without seeing what's on the canvas, or even what colours I'm using. It's freeing. And it's causing my heart to beat erratically in an exhilarating way like it does when I'm with Reece.

The class goes by quickly, and when the professor announces paint brushes down I flutter my eyes open and stare at my work. I've painted a face. And studying it I realise it looks exactly like Reece. I need to stop thinking about him and stop letting him into my dorm room to taunt me, to tempt me to sin.