13. Elira

13

ELIRA

" L ook, it's Diellza," I say to myself, pointing out the glass sliding door that leads to the back patio up to a cloud in the clear blue sky with two jutting, white puffs that look vaguely like rabbit ears. My lips spread into a soft smile as I pretend to be home, to be speaking to Bora, my youngest sister, her stuffed rabbit named Diellza clutched tightly to her chest.

My heart aches, but I don't let my smile fall, not yet. I've spent too much time ruminating on loss, on regret. I don't feel like being sad today.

"I bet you're doing fine, zemer ." I have to fight to stretch my lips. I picture Bora and Asher back home with our mother, sitting at the dinner table envious of the life I'm living. Asher's hands will still be sticky from collecting honey in the hives we harvest on our property, and Mami will be scolding her for not already washing up.

I smile at the defiance I know will be in her eyes as she stomps to the washroom, returning with her frizzy hair and dirty face from a day of exploring and working with animals she was born to love. She'll tease Bora for still clinging to a stuffy at the age of eight, and now that I'm no longer there, Mami will have to be the one to remind Asher of the photo we keep on the mantle of her sucking her thumb at age ten.

I thought I wanted more than that life, but now when I close my eyes and I breathe in, I long for the smell of the apple tree in our meadow and the gnawing of the goat's teeth when it mistakes my shorts as food. I miss the stickiness of honey and the feel of the warm sun on my back. I dreamt of being served important dinners among colleagues, but I'd kill to be slaving away in a crowded kitchen among friends again, preparing a feast for locals and tourists alike.

But I won't think about that too hard. Not today. Today I will smile, remembering the softness of Bora's chestnut hair, the shade of our father's—a man she never got the chance to meet—as I carefully wove it into two braids.

A sigh rushes past my lips as I open my eyes.

God, I miss them.

A sound snaps my attention to the front entryway, and I push off the wall to sit up straight, my spine erect, the hairs on the back of my neck standing at attention.

I've had this same physical response a dozen times already today, so I'm not actually expecting anyone to be there. My guard has been raised since last night, not allowing me to relax for more than a few minutes at a time. I dozed off in the closet only to snap awake a hundred times over until morning came.

I'm exhausted, but as far as I'm aware, safe.

Only this time, the reaction isn't in vain, the stimulus not imagined.

The front doorknob rattles like someone is unlocking it, and although it's probably Maksim, my eyes pop. I jump up from my spot by the back door and rush toward the hallway, but the front door opens before I get there.

I press my back against the hallway wall and put my hand over my mouth, my heart beating wildly while I wait to hear signs that whoever is here saw me.

A beeping sounds, the alarm Maksim talked about, but it stops a few moments later after a succession of beeps.

"Now," a young woman says. "Where were we?"

She giggles a moment before the giggles turn to moans that move this way. As quietly as I can, I creep to Maksim's room and open the door only enough to slide through, hoping the couple doesn't hear the noise.

I didn't hear the man's voice, but he must be the roommate. Surely Maksim wouldn't bring a woman here, not unless she's cool with him having, um, me.

When they stop at one of the other rooms in the same hall, it confirms my suspicion that it's the roommate. It's the only room in the house that I haven't explored, which I assumed is his bedroom. I wouldn't have dared to go in there even if it wasn't locked.

I go to hide in the closet, but sound draws me back to the door to listen. They're yanking on the roommate's bedroom door.

"What the fuck?" the young woman growls.

The roommate chuckles. "It's locked?"

"He locked my fucking door?!"

Her door?

My face pinches with confusion. Huh?

The woman kicks at the bedroom door multiple times. "Stupid fucking piece of shit asshole!" She groans loud and dramatically, so much so that I start to question whether she's a woman at all. She sounds younger.

A child?

When angry feet stomp this way, I scramble away from the door and rush to the closet, barely tucking myself inside before the bedroom door bursts open. My fear draining, I watch through the crack in the closet door as the girl viciously tears open Maksim's nightstand drawer in search of something.

Meanwhile, the guy I'm no longer sure is the roommate and old enough looking that I wouldn't call him a boy, flops down on the bed and stretches out, lacing his hands behind his head and crossing one dirty sneaker over the other.

"I don't know, babe. This is better anyway."

She pauses what she's doing only long enough to glance at him and let out a feeble laugh. "Right."

I shift to get a better view as she walks around the bed to the other nightstand. Instead of rifling through this drawer, she rips it out entirely and chucks it on the floor in a rage. When the contents scatter, she drops to her knees and searches.

"Mmm, jackpot," the guy says, hopping off the bed to retrieve a package of condoms off the ground. He pulls one out and waves it at her, his eyebrows wagging.

"Gross." She lets out another feeble laugh. "Just give me a minute. I know the key's around here?—"

"How is it gross?" He arches backward and gives her a chastising look that makes my head tilt and my curiosity pique. The fear I had has vanished.

Her shoulders hunch slightly, and she laughs. "Those are Maksim's."

"Yeah, I figured."

"Right, so I mean…" She waves her hand like it's obvious.

"Oh my God, you're such a kid." The guy, the asshole , laughs at her, shaking his head as he tosses the condom on the bed.

"Oh really?" she asks, her face reddening. "Well, then what does that make you?"

Smiling, he takes her face in his hands and laughs when she pulls away. "Babe, come on, don't be mad."

"I just don't know what you mean by that." Now she sounds whiny. Young. Way too young to be with him.

He looks sleazy. Tattoos are not inherently bad, in fact, they can be kind of hot, but not on him. On him, they look like a means for hiding needle holes. They poke out of the top of a ratty T-shirt with an unfamiliar band on it and go all the way down both arms. His hat is the cleanest article he's wearing, and it can't be for shading him from the sun because he's wearing it backward. It looks like its purpose is to tame greasy, reddish hair.

"I just mean you can be a little immature." He runs his hands down her sides, resting them on her hips, and when she lets him, I frown. "Don't get me wrong, you're way more mature than most girls your age, but… Babe, come on. A condom is just a condom. It all comes from the same store, and that shit costs money. Not all of us have a big brother to foot the bill."

A big … brother ?

Maksim ?

My heart speeds up, but this time it has nothing to do with panic. Heat spreads to my ears, but I don't move. I barely breathe.

It all, in an instant, becomes clear.

There is no fucking roommate. She is the roommate. Not a man, not a girlfriend, but a sister. She's the reason he didn't want to bring me home. She's the one I've been hiding in a motherfucking trunk from.

I turn my head on impulse to glare at the trunk.

I'm gonna kill him.

I'm going to kill him.

That son of a bitch .

To quote his sister, that stupid fucking piece of shit asshole .

I would growl if I didn't still want to stay hidden.

Why do I want to stay hidden? What the hell are they going to do?

I turn my head back to peek through the crack at the two. The guy's mouth is on her neck now, and he fondles her as he coaxes her back onto the mattress. When he moves to her mouth, she kisses him back, but I can tell even through a crack in a door that she's uncomfortable.

"Tanner." She grabs his hands when he pulls her shirt up. "Tanner, wait."

He leaves the shirt alone but moves to kiss her mouth, I'm assuming to shut her up. It suddenly feels wrong to watch this, but I can't look away. Even in my limited experience with men, I know what's happening. Even with this being Maksim's sister, someone I could hate for the crime of loving him, I care.

He lifts up her skirt and grinds on top of her, ignoring her meager protests.

Yell , I want to shout. I want to tell her to be stern. Loud . Insistent. But I stay put instead and watch, my heart pounding.

"Tanner." She pulls her head away so he can't claim her mouth again and speaks louder this time, but she follows his name up with a laugh to soften her tone. "We're not seriously going to fuck in my brother's bed, are we?"

"Shhh, baby." He puts a finger to her mouth before replacing it with his lips. After a minute, he turns their bodies so her head is on the pillows, blocking their faces from my view, but I no longer want to see.

I can feel the heat in my cheeks when I step back from the door and listen to sounds that turn my stomach until I can't take it anymore.

Without caring about the consequences or even knowing what they'll be, I sneak from the room and hurry to the front door. The idea of simply leaving crosses my mind but only for a second. It was never a real option anyway.

Taking a deep breath, I open the front door and slam it as loud as I can.