11. Auslin

Chapter 11

Auslin

A uslin's heart broke anew when he went through Fate's Gate to leave the temple and it once again failed to take him to the future. It further drove home the elder mage's pronouncement that Auslin was stuck in that era until he fulfilled whatever purpose fate had set for him to accomplish in the past. Despair set in that he was really and truly stuck. Auslin lost the fight not to get overwhelmed by everything.

Kitaro glanced down at the troubled human as they walked back to the castle. "What are your thoughts?"

"What if he's right?" Auslin worried his lower lip. "What if I never get home?"

"You will. I have made you a promise, and I intend to honor it."

The human desperately wanted to believe in Kitaro's faith, but his heart was in too much turmoil. "Is it even worth it to make the dangerous journey to see Satsuma? What information could she possibly have that we don't already know?"

"Satsuma is as ancient as antiquity itself and wiser than anyone in this realm," Kitaro told him. "She possesses knowledge and wisdom that no one else does. She will have an answer for you."

"But what if she doesn't?"

Kitaro stopped Auslin, placing his hands on the human's narrow shoulders. "I understand the impulse to give in to despair, but I will help you find your way home. You cannot give up hope because the answer is not to your liking."

Auslin's heart still wasn't capable of listening. "What is my brother going to do if I never get home? And what is…" Auslin trailed off before he finished asking about Kio, mostly because it was another level of hurt he wasn't ready to deal with at the moment.

Inevitably, Kio would permanently stray to Maseo's side. Their relationship may have deteriorated into shambles, but Auslin's heart still desperately clung to what little love was left for the half-shifter.

"Your brother will continue to be safe at the temple," Kitaro pointed out. "As for your companion, I am confident he will go to any lengths to find you."

Auslin fought back the tears that welled up at Kitaro's latter statement, but he lost the battle as one fell down his cheek .

"Did I misspeak?" Kitaro asked with concern when the human cried.

"My companion is many things, but patient is not one of them." Auslin wiped away his tears as he tried to get in control of his emotions.

"I do not understand. Why would he not do everything in his power to find you?"

"Because he's nothing like you," Auslin told him with a sniffle. "I'm pretty sure the only reason he'd try to find me is to yell at me for being gone."

Kitaro furrowed his eyebrows. "But you are intimate together. Surely, his love for you would make him desperate to find you at any cost."

Auslin laughed bitterly, but it came out choked on a sob. "He doesn't love me. I don't know if he ever has."

"How could he not love you when you are all things good in this realm?" Kitaro questioned.

The uncomprehending look on Kitaro's face made Auslin's heart twist painfully. "I don't think he knows how."

"But you love him."

Fresh tears fell. "I don't even know anymore." Auslin's heart was a mess over Kio. The distance was only making it more clear to him how wrong everything had gone for them. "I don't know anything anymore."

It surprised Auslin when Kitaro gathered him in a tight embrace. He hid his face against Kitaro's chest as he submitted to it. It felt so good to be held in such strong arms. Kitaro shushed Auslin's whispered apologies.

The shifter prince rested his cheek against Auslin's head. "Forgive me. I did not mean to upset you."

"It's okay," Auslin mumbled. He held on to Kitaro tightly, drawing strength from him.

"No, it is not. Your love should never make you weep with pain."

Auslin tried to calm himself. His attempts at deep breaths through a stuffy nose made him aware of how good Kitaro smelled. The shifter's scent was clean and masculine, but above all else, it was comforting in a way that put Auslin at ease on a primal level he didn't understand.

"It is what it is," Auslin finally said. It was a phrase he had repeated to himself countless times as he tried to rationalize his deteriorating relationship with Kio.

"You should never accept anyone who loves you with less than all of their heart," Kitaro told him. "It is fortunate for your companion that centuries separate us because I would seek vengeance for the deep sorrows he has caused you."

Hearing that Kitaro was willing to fight for him made Auslin feel a little better. But he still protested, "He's not worth it." It would be too embarrassing to have confirmation that Kio wouldn't care enough to fight for Auslin's love.

"He may not be, but you are." Kitaro's declaration made Auslin's heart flutter despite his emotional state. "Perhaps fate brought you to this time to get you away from his cruelty."

"Surely there would be easier ways to accomplish that."

"Certainly. But is there any way that would be more effective than traveling to an era where he can never reach you?"

"You have a point." Auslin sighed, reluctant to give up the comfort of being held. However, he made himself take a step back. "I'm sorry for getting emotional. Everything is such an overwhelming mess in my head right now."

Kitaro waved it away. "You have no reason to apologize."

"But my relationship with my companion is so confusing, yet your clan offers me protection because of it. It makes me feel like I'm deceiving you."

"Do not concern yourself with such things," Kitaro told him. "I will not denounce you because your companion seems to take after Mitsuki in his temperament."

The reminder made Auslin shudder. "The less I have to do with him, the better."

"Agreed. Come, let us return to the castle. Perhaps some training will help focus your mind."

Nodding with a sniffle, Auslin fell into step with Kitaro. He brought his hands up to his cheeks, then focused his healing energy into clearing his sinuses. It gave him instant relief as he restored his ability to breathe without congestion.

The action did not escape Kitaro's attention. "Did you just heal yourself?"

"Yeah, force of habit," Auslin said sheepishly. "My companion hates when I cry. Having a stuffy nose is a perpetual reminder of it, so I learned to clear my sinuses. It's helpful for getting rid of colds, too."

Kitaro frowned. "While I admire your resourcefulness, your need to do that enough to be a habit gives me reason to be concerned. I shall endeavor to not give you occasion to do so again."

"No, you're fine," Auslin hurriedly assured him. "I'm in a weird headspace right now because of everything. I tend to be a little more on the emotional side in general. I've learned to keep it in check most of the time, but?—"

"Because your companion has no tolerance for such things?"

"Yeah. I think it makes him feel guilty, and then he gets angry."

"He gets angry because you react negatively to his bad behavior?" Kitaro asked incredulously.

Auslin rubbed the back of his head. "It sounds bad when you put it that way. But yeah, basically."

"Why would you tolerate such behavior?"

Auslin was silent for a long moment. "Have you ever been in a relationship before? "

"I have been pursued by many, but I have never taken a lover for myself."

"Really? I would have figured a prince like you would have had all kinds of romantic entanglements."

"You are not the first to assume that about me. However, I have never had any interest in that kind of thing. All my siblings have different mothers because my father insists on having as many women as he can pleasure. It has caused countless problems over the years, which was unpleasant enough to witness. I cannot imagine engaging in such behavior myself."

"I don't understand."

"Mitsuki's mother was a proud woman who thought she had finally won our father," Kitaro explained. "When he grew bored with her and moved on to the next woman, she did not take it well. Mitsuki's mother tried to kill Father for abandoning her, so he sent her to the Beyond Realm for the attempt on his life."

"That's awful!"

Kitaro nodded. "Indeed, but it spared her from having to witness him having more children with several other women. I have no doubt she would have tried killing the children and Father's mistresses, so it was a cruel kindness to have avoided such things."

"That's horrible." Auslin felt bad for the women who had been caught up in such a complicated love affair. It even made him feel a twinge of sympathy for Mitsuki to have lost his mother .

"It is my father's way," Kitaro stated, although his disapproval was clear in his tone. "His philandering ways took their toll on each of the women he was involved with. Mitsuki's romantic conquests are no better. He gains a dark amusement when his ladies fight with each other, which I cannot abide by."

Auslin could easily see Mitsuki inciting trouble between lovers to enjoy the aftermath. It left him with an unpleasant feeling. "Why am I not surprised?"

"I have no desire to treat a mate in such a cruel way," Kitaro continued. "I refuse to have a string of lovers to entertain myself carnally at the cost of my mate's happiness. I never want to give my mate occasion to feel like I love them with anything less than my whole heart."

"It's funny. I envy your mate, and you don't even have one yet," Auslin said with a wry grin that slid into a sad smile. "Having been subjected to a relationship with someone who has a wandering gaze, I can say it is deeply unpleasant."

"He is not even loyal?" Kitaro asked in outrage.

Auslin's heart twisted painfully once more over the thought of Kio with Maseo. He could only look down in shame and embarrassment over how horrible his relationship looked from an outsider's perspective. "Well, it sounds like he's more his father's relation than I ever knew."

"He treats you unkindly, he strays from your side, and yet you continue to stand by him." Kitaro's expression was troubled. "Why do you subject yourself to such treatment when you are worth so much more than that?"

Auslin shrugged. "Because it's easier than being alone."

"Surely, being alone is not as painful as him being with someone else while professing he has feelings for you? Do you not believe you deserve better than that?"

"You aren't the first to say such things to me."

"Why did you not listen to them?"

Auslin shrugged. "I don't know. I'm a fool for staying when everything is so miserable. But I thought it was the right thing to do."

"You are not a fool, Vanra. Your heart is too kind, and he is using your love against you."

"Life has been so unkind to him." Auslin knew Kio had seen more abuse than anyone should have to endure.

Kitaro looked down at Auslin as they continued walking through the forest. "Do you truly believe your love can heal him of those pains?"

"I think I did once, but now, I'm not so sure."

"There are some wounds that not even love can heal. You should not have to change him into someone that he is not to be loved by him."

Auslin knew it all to be true, and his heart ached. "I know you're right, but I can't just leave . "

"I believe fate has already made that decision for you."

Although it was hard to bear, Auslin realized that was essentially true. The longer he was in the past, the more likely it was that Kio would permanently separate from him to be with Maseo. It filled Auslin with a deeply unpleasant feeling that made him clutch at his heart from the sudden tightness in his chest. But at the same time, he experienced an odd relief from knowing he would finally be free of the burden of their broken relationship.

Even if Kio agreed to take him back, how could Auslin ever settle for his angry affections after knowing that there was more to love than settling for such an unforgiving compromise? How could he be satisfied with Kio's gruff treatment after experiencing the comfort of being held in tenderness by someone like Kitaro?

"Forgive me, Vanra. I did not mean to speak out of turn."

Auslin sighed. "It's not like you're wrong."

"Still, it is not my place."

"You're fine," Auslin reassured him. "It's my fault for being moody."

"You may be anything you wish here. You should make good use of the distance to discover what you want."