Then

"Can I talk to you for a second?" I say, sidling up to Josh just as he emerges from the water. It's nighttime. The kidney-shaped pool shines like a turquoise gem, four of the girls are in a vigorous and very bouncy chicken-fight match, and a warm breeze is teasing my bare skin. I'm in a bikini, with a semi-sheer sarong tied around one hip, my hair wet down my back.

It's the end of our first week in the house. Camila got the first date. Emma got the second. At least I got the consolation prize: today's group date with seven other women, which will end with one of us getting a rose; the others will have to endure the uncertainty of the next rose ceremony. It's been a full day. We rode trail horses, went to a wine tasting where Drunk Girl—real name Zoe—monopolized Josh's attention by breaking down crying, and now we're having a nighttime pool party on a hotel rooftop, the city of Los Angeles spread over the hills around us like a rolling carpet of stars.

Amid the chaos, my only personal interaction with Josh happened on horseback. "All good?" he said from his horse. "Great!" I responded from mine.

Not exactly the kind of interaction that's going to earn me the single rose Josh will be handing out to one of us in just under an hour.

So I'm betting it all. Now.

"Sure," he says, grabbing a towel from a lounge chair and rubbing it through his hair, which spikes up adorably. He looks incredible, the relief of his muscles exaggerated by the wet glisten of his skin. "How about over there?" He gestures to a low couch off to the side, angled away from the pool and facing the view of the city and the night sky.

We settle in. The couch cushion is damp and cool under my thighs.

"So. Julia." His grin is engaging. Just like it's been all day, with all seven of the other women. "How was your day?"

"It was a lot of fun," I say, opting for a light start. "I mean, of course I would have loved more time with just you—but the girls are cool to hang out with, too. I enjoyed myself."

"I like that you're friendly with the girls. I think that says a lot about your character."

"Aw." I tilt my head and pull the snake of wet hair over my shoulder. "That's so sweet. I appreciate that."

What I won't tell Josh is that every time I feel myself fully relaxing around the girls, Camila's words snap in my head. We know how to fuck a bitch up. Speaking of the girls—

"Hi! Can I interrupt?" It's Zoe, tiptoeing over in her neon-yellow string bikini, putting on a bashful act.

No, Zoe!You got your turn at the winery!

"Actually, we just sat down," I say, plastering on a sweet smile. "Could we have just a few minutes?"

"Oh...sure, okay," says Zoe. "I'll check back soon!"

I return my focus to Josh and take a deep breath.

"So I have something to tell you that...I've been putting off. I guess because it feels like it might be a deal-breaker." From pattering, my heart progresses to thundering.

"Hey," says Josh, reaching over and taking my hand. The pressure is reassuring. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."

Deep breath.

"I'm...a Synth."

The world goes still, like the aftermath of a bomb detonating. Then, Josh releases my hand, braces his hands behind his head, and leans back. Away from me.

"Okay. Wow. Not what I was expecting."

There are a million things I want to say. But I chew my lip hard and wait for him to process.

He unlocks his hands, leans forward. "So you're like...what are their names? Christi and Chrystel? From that show?"

"Basically, yes." I kind of want to add that I'm more advanced, because I'm the first Synth who can have babies. But even though it's something important about me, wouldn't sharing that right now make him think of me even more in terms of a science innovation when I want him to see woman? I'm pretty sure you can't fall in love with a science innovation.

Josh rubs his face. "Holy shit, Julia."

"I know," I say softly. My heart is cringing in my chest, but I have to appear calm.

"This is—" He shakes his head.

The screams from the pool surge and I make out Zoe's cry of my bikini top! Josh looks off into the distance, and I'd give anything to see what's happening inside his mind.

When the waiting becomes unbearable, I lay a tentative hand on his leg. "Hey. I know this is a lot. But it's still just me."

"Do the girls know?"

"Not yet. I wanted to tell you first."

"I have so many questions right now."

"I'll answer them all. If there's one thing I can promise, Josh, it's total honesty. Which is why I wanted to tell you now, before this goes any further." I whisper the next part. "Before my feelings get even stronger."

His eyes glitter as he takes in my words. They don't feel like the same eyes that took me in when I stepped out of the limo. Where there used to be warmth, there's distance. It hurts, but I can't show it.

"What are your questions?" I say.

"I mean...where to even start?" He launches in. He wants to know if I truly have emotions. If I age. If I can die. If I need food, sleep, if I can learn, have kids, get depressed.

Yes, yes, yes, I tell him. I try to explain about basic dampers in layman's terms, those layers of programming that give me all the needs and weaknesses a normal human might have. The way food becomes energy just like it does for him. I try to explain everything calmly, reasonably, as if it doesn't feel like he's stripping off my skin and violently poking at all the painful mysteries that make me.

Finally, there's a long silence. I can't tell exactly what Josh is feeling, but based on the clench of his jaw, I'm pretty sure it's not something soft and nice. Well, what I'm feeling isn't soft or nice either. In fact, it's a little devastating to realize that he'd like me better if my skin wasn't synthetic. If I'd been fitted together by the mysterious dance of cells rather than the hands of human ingenuity.

It hurts just like yours, my skin, I want to assure him. I want to dig my nails into my arm and show him the red half-moons.

"I guess we should get back to the party," he finally says. His smile is tight.

"Wait," I say, reaching out. Covering his hand. Josh said he admires boldness in a woman, so here we go. "I get that there's so much to process, but let me say one last thing. If you honestly believe things can never work between us, send me home. I mean it. But I promise you that the two of us have more similarities than differences. And I believe love is about two people getting...lit up by each other. I believe it's a feeling so strong that nothing else matters. And I know we're just getting to know each other, but...you light me up, Josh." I place a hand on my heart, which is thundering for him. "With all my being, I want to prove that I'm just as capable of love as any of these girls. Put me to the test. Give me a chance."

Looking into his eyes, waiting for his response, I feel a landslide in my chest. And despite the fact that I'm trying so hard to be calm and strong, a tear slips out, making a chilly track down my cheek.

"I just need a minute, sorry," I say, looking down.

And then, he's closing the inches that separated us. Thigh against thigh, he slings an arm around my shoulder and crushes me against him, resting his chin on top of my head.

"I'm sorry," I squeak, pressing my face hard against his bare chest. Feeling his solidity, his warmth, his heart beating. "I hate that what's scaring you is something I can't change."

"Shhhh," he murmurs.

Zoe interrupts shortly after. I hear her enthusiastic opener, "Did you totally see when I lost my bikini top? Oh my God, it was hilarious—" before I'm abruptly left alone, trying to get a grip on the earthquake of emotions that's shaking everything inside me. But I'm not alone for long. Five minutes later, Josh is back. And he's twirling a rose between his fingers.

"Really?" I gasp.

"What can I say?" His coldness is gone; he's all boyish flirtation. "You keep impressing me. What the hell. Let's see what happens." Then he kneels, in his swimming trunks with his messy hair and a big smile on his face. "Julia, will you accept this rose?"

I throw my arms around him.

His lips are suddenly on mine. My mouth opens against his. His tongue is warm, gentle as he explores my mouth, and I find my hand cupping the back of his neck to urge him deeper. When we pull away, I'm breathless.

His voice is low. "Was that your first kiss, Miss Julia?"

"Yes," I say, lisping a little. My lips feel swollen. I'm liquid. There's a warmth in my gut that's the best thing I've felt in my life. It feels like each day I share with Josh unlocks some new feeling inside me, each more powerful than the last. I smile up at him. "May I have my second?"