2. Niamh

CHAPTER 2

Niamh

A ny darkness can be dispelled by the smallest light. Life among the archives taught me that. No matter how dark or neglected a corner seemed, the glow of a lantern was all I needed to reveal what was hidden.

I remind myself of that fact. I repeat it over and over. Silly Niamh, even the smallest light can dispel the deepest dark.

But what if you are the darkness? For I feel it lurk within me, festering and growing. Fear. Doubt. Unease.

Despite leeching off Caspian's strength, I can't escape the dread. His thoughts are an impenetrable fortress, like a candle held too far away for its light to reach me. Even so, a few observations split through the cracks.

Like wariness.

My mind is alien to him. To everyone. Only Altaris has the answers as to why—him and the mortal man who knew my mother. In my brain I can call her that. Night Aurelia. Though I've never met her, I know she possesses the hallmark characteristics of house Aurelius: red hair the color of sunset and green eyes like wet moss. They are said to be renowned for their beauty and revered for their grace.

Even so, with one glance, this man mistakenly thought I was her. Despite my wrong coloring. Despite my wrong nature.

It doesn't matter how many times I was told that I was different, he still sees her in me.

And for the first time, I start to wonder…

Greedy, resentful things I have no right to question. Such as… why ? Why did she leave me without a word? Without so much as an explanation. I had to hear it from the Lord Master or infer it from the Citadel workers who avoided me: I was different. Unnatural. Abomination.

I look like her--though the memories she evokes in this mortal seemingly aren't pleasant. He gapes at me the way I eyed Day when he kissed me. Fearful. No, terrified .

No. I shake my head. Not here. Not now. Those thoughts are in the past. Caspian is my future. Inhaling his coldness, I lean into him. It must be evident to him that I am uneasy, because he stiffens.

"Get out," he tells the man. "Now."

"I was just going," he replies, raising his hands in a placating gesture. He walks to the door. Stands there. Hesitates. "He hasn't told you, has he? Altaris. How I know your mother.." He frowns. "He didn't. I knew the man could be shrewd, but damn." He laughs, but the smile shaping his mouth doesn't reach his eyes. Instead, anger burns within them.

"What truth?" I ask. It feels as if my heart has grown wings, fluttering up my throat. His words seem more than a harmless taunt. They imply something, but what?

"I can't say. I'm contractually obligated not to--" He shakes his head "But, if you're interested in your mother and her past, I could show you better than I can tell you."

"No," Caspian says.

At the same time, I say, "Please."

I spent my entire life refusing to question, even once, but now? I'd go to the ends of the earth to find answers.

The man blinks. Then he nods, his eyes on Caspian. "Maybe another day, but I will say this: Altaris's protection always comes with a price. Make sure you think long and hard before making a deal him. The bastard has his secrets. I bet they won't take too much effort to find--" He scans the wide space around us and then meets my gaze. "Good night."

After walking through the metal door, he turns around. Slams it shut.

"No," Caspian growls. His back is to me, his body tense. Yet he doesn't shrug me off. Doesn't release my hand. Though I know he wants to, he doesn't pry into my thoughts either.

It's like he's forgotten how to reach into another's soul and take what he desires. Those torturous days of silence changed him forever.

They still are.

As is the blood I give him. Our mental connection gives me an insight into him I didn't have before. For instance, I feel his irritation ripple through me before I even hear it in his voice.

"He aims to hurt you," he tells me, his voice ice cold. "Sell you. Chop you into little pieces. Can't you see that?"

I can.

But so did he. So does everyone, even Day. Especially Altaris. They want to chop me. Control me. Own me. Destroy. Throw away the pieces of Niamh and act as though she never existed.

My mother didn't. She left me behind. Never looked upon my face. Maybe if she had. Maybe if she did…

She would want to know me.

He doesn't understand. Irritated, his thoughts slither and ram against mine. Probing but not penetrating.

"Tell me what you are thinking," he snaps. While facing away from me, he continues to support my body without even trying. Without wanting to.

"You have no family," I say, pressing my chin to his shoulder blade.

He doesn't. None he remembers or cares to recall. The others in his hive mind—especially Cassius—he does not miss. Despises. He would rather die than call them family ever.

But I…

"I need to know," I say. "I need to know what I am. I need to know why she didn't want me."

I know the reason. The rules didn't allow it. The rules deemed me different.

Yet, I broke them. For a simple wish, I went another way. I left.

I wanted to see a museum badly enough to escape from decorum.

She birthed me. Gave life to me.

Shouldn't she have been equally compelled? But she wasn't. Instead, she left me alone to die.

"I need to know why," I croak, my mouth against Caspian's shoulder. "I need to know what I am. I need to hear her say… I want her to tell me why she didn't want me."

I'd comforted myself so long with the Lord Master's lies. But there is more to it. Altaris taunts me with the truth. I am more than a dirty thing. I am a hybrid.

A half-breed, though mixed with what?

"We don't need them," Caspian hisses. "I know who you are. You are mine—" He wrenches me around to face him. His fingers grip my hair, bringing my mouth closer to his. "My fae. We belong to no one. We are beholden to no one! "

But he is wrong. There is a fear that lurks at the back of his mind. One he refuses to acknowledge. Can't hide from.

Cassius is near. He is hunting for him. Pining for him. Craving him.

"I will never go back," he tells me, his voice the embodiment of sin—yet his touch is softer than any heaven. He brushes the hair from my face. Cups my cheek. Bores those red, angry eyes into my own. "I will kill him first," he says. "I will go back and kill him. I will go back and kill your mother as well. They will cease to control us. Never again."

"No," I say. I have no right to decide his path regarding his old master. As for mine… "I want to see her. I only want to see her. To know her. That is all."

I want it badly enough to consider an idea I loathe: returning to the other realm so soon after my flight for freedom.

His eyes flash but he nods. "Fine. Tomorrow night, we will return to kill Cassius and see the Aurelia. Then we will be free. We will be together."

I nod, leaning into his embrace. "Together."

But for how long?

He wants to shred his past. Burn it to ash.

I am not sure if I wish to do the same. I know, though, that when he is near me, I can do things I never thought possible. No realm can hold me with him by my side.

But how long will he want to be?

I can't escape the nagging thoughts.

Altaris's lies.

The secrets written down in his book.

How long before I destroy my Caspian like I seem to destroy everything else?

"Sleep," he tells me, pressing his mouth to mine to seal off the thought. That one he heard.

And it unnerved him.