Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Hetty walked down the path, with Della nipping at her heels. She barely noticed. Her legs felt like they had suddenly turned to jelly. Quickly, she found a chair, sinking into it gratefully.

They had just been informed that the court was granting her petition for a divorce. The hearing was scheduled to happen in three weeks' time.

She took a deep breath, trying to process how she felt. The truth was since she had returned to Hillsworth House, she had barely thought about it. She had been too preoccupied with her newfound love for Louis. It had consumed her thoughts, every waking hour of the day, deepening by the moment. She had managed to push the possibility of the hearing far away in her mind, as she lived in the moment, revelling in their love.

Of course, it had always been there, like a nagging toothache, at the back of her mind. The fear that it might never happen. That she would never have the chance to marry Louis. That it had taken so long for her to admit her love for him, and that it would wither on the vine, never have the chance to blossom, the way that it should.

And now, it was here. It was coming. Her chance to move on, once and for all.

She didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

She stared out over the landscape, lost in contemplation. It was probably a good thing that Louis wasn't here at this moment. Ben had a small cold, and he was worried about the boy and wanted to be with him, which she understood completely. She needed time to be alone, and reflect on what was about to happen, anyway. To prepare herself for the emotional onslaught of it.

Her father was in his study, at this very moment, penning a letter to Frank Blackmore, in France, informing him of the date of the hearing. Frank would have a chance to be there, and to respond, as was his right. They were doing everything scrupulously by the book. They did not want the petition thrown out, or dismissed, on any slight technicality.

She trembled at the thought of facing Frank in court for the first time since he had deserted her.

Would she not be able to speak, with his presence? Would she become tongue-tied, and lose her courage? Would her emotions overwhelm her again, the fierce anger, and hurt, when she needed to be focused and calm? It was so difficult to know. But one thing was certain: she had to face it, whatever it might be.

Her father had warned her that they would ask difficult questions. Perhaps they would ask intimate questions. It was all part of their process to establish what had happened and what had gone wrong in the short marriage. She must brace herself for it. She must stay calm and answer truthfully and to the best of her ability.

If she were successful, then she would be a divorcee. The first divorcee in her district. No other lady that she knew of had ever taken such a step before. It was instant social death, even more than being abandoned.

Most couples who could not live together as man and wife, for whatever reason, never officially divorced. And they were few and far between, anyway. Most people stayed together, even if they were unhappy. Even if the lady was miserable and treated abominably because the price of freedom was simply too high.

I shall be a divorcee , she thought, turning the word over in her mind . A shamed woman. A fallen woman.

She took a deep breath, trying to quell the unease in her chest. It was worth it, if she could be free of Frank Blackmore, once and for all, and right the wrong that had been done to her. Besides, if she was successful, Louis had promised to marry her, straight away. They would travel to Gretna Green so that they didn't have to post the bans. She would only be a divorcee for a very little while, after all.

She thought of the alternative. The divorce could be denied. And instead of dealing with the shame of being a divorcee, she would be forever known as Mrs Blackmore and never able to marry Louis, at all. Her heart clenched at the very thought of it.

He claimed that he loved her, had always loved her, and would wait for her forever. But how long could he be expected to do such a thing if this petition was not successful? They could appeal, and appeal again, but still, it might never happen. He would be wasting his life, and his youth, on her. Because she knew that she could never live with him, as his mistress.

And he had Ben to think about. The young boy needed a mother. Would it be kinder, if it dragged on indefinitely, to simply set Louis free, and let him love again? Her heart ached at the very thought of it, but she had to face that prospect, as well. She would not let him give up his life for her. It would be too cruel.

She knew that there was no possibility of joining a convent now. Not since they had declared their love for each other. Come what may, she was committed to him, and would not run away to escape the scandal.

He had made a woman out of her. He had loved her and touched her most profoundly, bringing her to life. A life that she could just glimpse, over the horizon. Was it truly possible that they could get there? That there was a rainbow, just for them, shimmering with colour, leading them to that pot of gold? Or were they destined never to be together?

***

The next day, he came thundering through the gates of Hillsworth House on his horse. Before she could even get to the door, he burst through it, his eyes anxiously scanning the room. When he saw her, he strode to her, not even bothering to take off his hat.

"Is it true?" he whispered, his eyes searching her face. "Has a date been set for the hearing?"

She nodded. "It is true," she answered, her heart quickening. "How did you know?"

He smiled wryly. "Your father sent me a letter, by urgent messenger," he said, taking off his hat and throwing it on the hallstand in the corner. He was peeling off his gloves, too. "I received it just this morning. I had to come to you …"

She bit her lip. "I am glad that you are here," she whispered. "How is Ben?"

His smile widened. "Sitting up in his bed, demanding cake," he said, rolling his eyes. "His sniffles are gone, as is his cough. He shall be tearing around the nursery before the day is out, I shouldn't wonder."

She smiled. "I am glad to hear it," she said, a little wistfully. "I wish that I could be there, with him …"

"He misses you," said Louis. "Only yesterday, he asked when Hetty is coming back. You made an impression on him in the short time you were at Warwick Manor." He paused. "But that is no wonder. You make an impression wherever you go, my love."

She blushed, inordinately pleased to hear that Ben missed her. She had spent hours with the small child in the few days she had been at Warwick Manor. One morning, she had taken him on a short walk through the gardens, stopping to pick up a ladybug, smiling at the look of complete wonder on his face. Another day, they had played with his toy soldiers on the nursery floor, setting up a battlefield.

He was a sweet child with an infectious laugh. Sometimes, he could be stubborn and wilful, as his father had said. Once, he had thrown himself to the ground, kicking and screaming, because he had been denied a sweet. But on the whole, he was good-natured. It was easy to see that he was adored by everyone around him. His father, and his nanny, and all of the servants.

"Oh, Louis," she said, her heart thumping. "Do you think it is ever going to happen? That we can legally be together, and become a family?"

He gazed at her steadily. "Of course it will happen," he said slowly. "How can you doubt it?"

But, to her appalled surprise, she suddenly burst into tears, running away from him. She felt like her heart was about to break.

***

He followed her outside to the garden, intercepting her, twisting her around. She almost collided with him.

"Hetty," he said, frowning. "Why are you crying?"

She sighed heavily, sniffling, as she hastily wiped away her tears with her lace handkerchief. "I do not rightly know," she said, in a sad voice. "It is just so hard, I guess. The chances are slim that they will grant me the divorce." She paused, gazing at him. "And I cannot bear the thought that we cannot be together. Not after it has taken me so long to realise how much I love you."

His face twisted. "Hetty, you must have faith," he said quietly. "I have it. And besides, I will wait for you, even if they do not grant it this time. We will appeal it, and appeal it again if need be. Eventually, we will be a family …"

She gasped. "Louis, I cannot do it to you," she said, her face stricken. "Please, promise me that if this does not work, that you shall forget all about me. That you will move on, and love again, and give Ben the mother that he deserves …"

He looked at her, shocked. "How can you say such a thing? I will not marry anyone, but you. Do you think I am so shallow that I will give up on us at the first hurdle? That I would simply shrug my shoulders and marry the next pretty lady that I see?"

She sobbed, pressing herself against him. Even hearing the words, made her heart break. The thought of him courting someone else was torture for her. But she had to be strong and make her point.

"I know that you are not shallow," she whispered against his chest. "I know that you will stand by me, through thick and thin." She gazed up at him beseechingly. "I just do not wish to be a burden to you. I do not wish you to waste your life on a love that can go nowhere. A love that can never be …"

"It is my life to waste," he declared fiercely, staring down at her. "And if I choose to waste it, loving you, then I would consider it time well spent. Do not push me away, Hetty. Not now, after all that it has taken, for us to be as one mind."

She squeezed her eyes shut. If only she had never married Frank Blackmore. If only they had courted before she had ever met the man. Why was life so cruel?

She had met the love of her life at the Farnham's ball all those years ago. They could have been happily married, all of this time. It was only a twist of fate that they had lost each other. She knew now that they had always been meant to be together …

But suddenly, she stopped herself, going along that train of thought. If they had married, all those years ago, then Ben would not be here. It had been meant to happen the way that it did.

Fate worked in mysterious ways. And she had to believe, once and for all, that they were fated to be together now. She must believe it, or else, what was it all for?

***

He came to her that night after the house had retired for the evening, sneaking through her chamber door, a candle held high in his hand.

They didn't say anything. He simply took her in his arms, kissing her passionately. She received his lips like a prayer. And then, he led her to the bed, her arms twined around him.

"Will it be alright?" she whispered, wanting so hard to believe it.

"Yes," he whispered back. "We will be together, Hetty. Nothing will ever tear us apart." He gazed at her. "I want to make love to you. I want to so badly that it hurts. But to show how committed I am to you, and how much I believe that we will be married, one day, I am willing to wait. I will not make love to you, in full, until our wedding night, my darling."

She felt a lump form in her throat. "You would do that for me?"

He nodded, his green eyes intense in the darkness. "I would do that for you. I will do it for both of us. I hope that you want it as much as I do."

She blushed. "I … I do, want to make love to you," she whispered. "I never thought that I would say those words. But you have shown me that the physical side of love, between a man and a woman, can be wonderful." She hesitated, her eyes shining. "I am looking forward to our wedding night, so much …"

He kissed her again, pushing her back onto the mattress, gently. "We may not be able to fully make love," he whispered against her cheek, "but luckily, there is so much more that we can do besides …"

Suddenly, they stilled, hearing a creaking in the hallway. A pool of light from a lantern or a candle bobbing through the cracks in the door. He gazed down at her, regretfully.

"I think I should go," he whispered. "It isn't safe to visit you like this. Any of the servants could notice." He paused, frowning. "We must be careful, Hetty. We do not want there to be any talk that we have been together intimately. Someone might report it to the court, and it would compromise you. You are still a married woman, after all."

She nodded, but inside, she was devastated. She wanted him to hold her for just a little while longer. She knew that they could not make love, that Louis was saving that as a promise that they would eventually be married. But they could do other things. They could kiss, and he could touch her, and make those wild sensations sweep over her, once again.

But slowly, she came to her senses. He was right. She was still a married woman, even if it was in name only. But in the eyes of the law, she was committing adultery by even kissing Louis. If even a whisper of their intimate relationship got to the court, it could ruin everything.

That Frank was living with his mistress in sin, and they were expecting a child together, would be as nothing compared to the onslaught of abuse that would be heaped upon her. They would probably stone her if they got the chance.

It was a man's world, where the law was concerned. She burnt with the injustice of it. But there was simply nothing she could do to change it. And so, they must be very, very careful. It might mean the difference between getting the divorce and not getting it.

He stared into her face. "It will not be long until we can be together, my darling. You must believe that."

She tried to smile before kissing him good night. He crept out of her room as silently as he had entered it, closing the door firmly behind him.

She sighed, sliding down into the bed, staring at the wall.

She just wished that it was all over. She just wished that she knew either way what was going to happen. Whether she would end up marrying the love of her life, or whether she was doomed to forever be alone.

Louis might be waiting an awfully long time to finally make love to her. The promise that it would only happen on their wedding night seemed slightly ominous. She pictured them, old and grey, denying themselves through the years until they could officially wed. Would she have to leap over Frank's grave to make it possible?

Despite what he said, he could not wait forever. She could not deny him the right to marry and provide a mother for Ben. And he was still young, able to have other children, as well. He would be giving up such a lot for her. It was too much. Way too much.

She took a deep breath. She would know very soon if this petition were successful. And if it weren't, then she would make a decision, then. A decision for both their sakes.

He would never let her go. She knew that he would keep his promise, and stay by her side, forever if necessary. But she was simply not willing to force him to do that.

Her heart clenched. She would quietly disappear, go somewhere that he could never find her. The thought of a convent no longer appealed to her, but perhaps it might be an option. It would be for the best, after all.

Her eyes filled with tears at the thought of it. It would break her heart, clean in two. And she couldn't even bear to think about his young son and the fact that another woman would be abandoning him, even if she was not a permanent fixture in his life yet.

None of them deserved this. But if fate decreed that was the path they must follow, then there was simply nothing that she could do about it, anyway.