69. Victor

Chapter sixty-nine

Victor

I let Olivia sleep for about twenty minutes before I lightly shake her awake. She blinks up at me and the soft smile she gives me makes the blood in my veins hum. She is so fucking perfect. “Let’s go shower, then we can go to sleep.” Olivia nods and I help her out of the bed. When she slides across the bed on her ass, she winces slightly, but doesn’t complain.

We walk into the shower and she steps back, knowing I like to take care of turning the shower on and getting everything ready. I don’t turn the water too hot because the water will probably sting. I watch her closely as I grab our towels, looking for any signs of distress. She looks tired, but I don’t notice anything unusual. In fact, she seems more at peace than I’ve ever seen her.

I pull her into the shower and place us under the rain showerhead. With a content sigh, she leans against my chest. I wrap my arms around her and hold her. “How are you feeling?” I ask her. She hums like she doesn’t want to take the effort to talk. So, I give her a few moments before leaning back to look down at her. Olivia doesn’t look up because the water will get in her eyes, but she knows I’m wanting an answer.

“I feel amazing,” she finally replies. After I came, she collapsed and was completely pliable in my hands. She entered subspace, so I need to find out what exactly pushed her there. I’m pretty sure I have an idea, but I need her to understand it. Olivia inhales deeply. “I’ve never felt anything like that before. I don’t even remember you coming.” She sounds conflicted about it.

I rub my hands up and down her arms before grabbing the shampoo, then turning her so I can wash her hair. She moans as I massage her scalp. “That’s okay,” I assure her. “You entered subspace.”

“Subspace? What’s that?”

She helps rinse the shampoo out of her hair before I grab the conditioner and run it through. I chuckle at the amount of loose hair that winds up on my hand. The first time I did this for her, it freaked me out, but she assured me it was normal. I remove the strands and put them on the shower wall like she showed me, where we’ll get them when we’re done.

I try to explain it the best I can. “Subspace is a state of mind that you can enter after a particular scene. It’s a release of endorphins and adrenaline that makes you feel so relaxed you space out. I’ve never experienced it and I’ve never had a partner experience that with me before, so I’m making an educated guess based on the training I received as a Dominant and what others have told me.”

She turns in my arms and grins up at me. It’s kind of adorable because she has to blink rapidly from the water. I lean forward slightly, blocking the spray from her face. “Thank you.” Her grin turns into a smile. “So, that was a first for you?”

I nod. “Yes, and I’d like to see if we can figure out what got you there.”

“So we can do it again?”

The delight in her eyes makes me chuckle. “Maybe, but also so I can be better prepared next time. I had to force myself not to shake you out of it to make sure you were okay. It made me feel…” I don’t know how to describe how it made me feel.

“Vulnerable?” she asks and I nod.

“Exactly.” Talking through this is making me feel vulnerable too. I guess because this is the first time I’ve experienced a first with her.

“Well, it makes me feel good that this is something we both got to experience for the first time together,” she says.

I wasn’t expecting her to say that, but warmth spreads through my chest at that. It is something we experienced together for the first time. I grab her loofah and pour body wash on it. As I wash her body, she relaxes even more.

“Over the past couple of weeks, I began to regret giving you that tin box.” My hand pauses as I wash her back. I’m not sure what this has to do with her going into subspace, but I’m sure she’s making a point, so I wait. “Then today at Connor’s, I had the thought that pain would help me cope.” My breath catches in my throat. “I’m not afraid of pain. As you know, I used it as a coping mechanism. So, today when you spanked me, it hurt, but it felt good too. And when you added in the pleasure, it just…”

I nod in understanding. “It made it that much better?”

“Yes,” she murmurs. “Does that mean there’s something wrong with me?”

“No!” I wrap my arms around her and hold her close. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

We fall into a lull of quiet as she washes me like I washed her. When we get out of the shower and dry off, I grab her hand and lead her back to the bedroom. I put some more oil on her ass before we climb underneath the duvet. Pulling her close, I run my fingers up and down her arm as she lays across my chest.

She’s so quiet I’m not sure if she’s fallen back to sleep or not. “Olivia?”

“Yes?” She lifts her head and looks at me. It’s dark, but I can make out her face.

“If there are days you need pain, I want you to tell me. I need you to write these things in your journal. I know I’ve been saying that a lot, but it’s important.”

She sighs. “I will. I’m sorry I haven’t. It’s just… I was scared. I’ve never shared any of these things with anyone. Even with my therapist, well… she knew some things. But with you, you don’t judge me, and you see me. But that didn’t make it any less scary.”

I cup the back of her head and run my fingers through her hair. “I understand that, but from now on, I need you to be completely honest with me. If you have a day where you contemplate even for a moment hurting yourself, tell me. We can have scenes like that in a controlled environment that will give you what you need and will end in pleasure.”

Olivia gives me a dreamy smile. “Oh, I realize that now.” I snort as she lays her head back on my chest. “What kind of scenes would we do in a controlled environment?” she asks. I use this opportunity to tell her about the club that taught me how to be a Dominant.

“We could use one of their rooms. Then, if that’s something you’d like, we could build our own room here.” Her hand rubs along my chest and she sighs.

“I like that idea. I definitely want to do that.”

Her voice is growing soft. It won’t be long before she drifts off to sleep. So, I’ll wait until tomorrow to broach the subject of having a collar ceremony.