5. Olivia

Chapter five

Olivia

Three Years Ago

I t wasn’t him. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t him. I pace back and forth in the bathroom and shake my arms, trying to get myself under control. My heart is pounding, my vision is blurry, and I’m feeling lightheaded. It looked like his car, but I can’t be one hundred percent sure. I thought moving to Mississippi was far enough, but maybe it isn’t. This town is still near the border of Louisiana, and he’s only a couple of hours away.

I close my eyes and try to focus on my breathing. Will I ever not be afraid? I need to get myself under control before someone walks in and sees me like this. Sure enough, the bathroom door swings open. I open my eyes and relax a little when I see Ansley. She’s always been nice. I still turn away and walk to the sink to wash my hands, hoping she doesn’t notice how my hands are shaking.

“Hey, Liv. How are you?”

“Alright.”

I breathe a sigh of relief when she goes into the stall. I want to make my escape, but I don’t know if my emotions are under control yet. So I take a few deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart and walk toward the door just as she comes out of the stall. Keeping my eyes down, I try to avoid looking at her.

“Are you okay?” she asks quietly, and I close my eyes.

“I will be.” Why did I say that? That makes it obvious I’m not okay . She walks to the sink to wash her hands. It’s lunchtime. I can leave and hopefully be back under control by the time I get back, but the thought of leaving the safety of this building makes my heart begin racing again.

“Want to get lunch together?” she asks.

My eyes find hers in the mirror and I’m met with a small smile. I don’t have friends. I’m not allowed to.

“I…” I don’t know what to say. Can I say yes? I want to say yes. “I’m a mess today.” My voice cracks as I turn back toward the door. Why did I admit that? I don’t confide in anyone.

“Everyone is a mess in one way or another.” Ansley grabs paper towels to dry her hands. I turn back toward her, my heart beating heavy in my chest. She’s not mocking me. She’s not saying that to be mean. Her mouth tips slightly and she lifts one shoulder. “Let’s be messy together.” I don’t know what to say as she puts her arm through mine and leads me to the door. “Let’s take a long lunch and annoy Lincoln while we’re at it.”

I huff out a laugh. “I need this job. I can’t afford to get fired.” She has no idea how true that is, but I don’t expand. At the same time, going to lunch with her will get me out of this building and I won’t be alone.

She smirks at me. “Lincoln seems like a hardass, but he’s all bark and no bite.”

A gasp leaves me when we round the corner and almost run into Lincoln. His eyes narrowed at Ansley like he heard her. She tilts her head as she gazes at him with a smile playing on her lips.

“We’re going to lunch,” she states as she pulls me along.

“Don’t be late,” he barks.

Ansley flips her hair and I swear she flips him off, but I didn’t quite catch it. “We’ll see.” She calls over her shoulder. My eyes are wide and my mouth is gaping open at this exchange. When she sees my expression, she throws her head back and laughs.

“I’ve known Lincoln for a long time. Trust me, it’ll be fine.”

I don’t respond as we grab our purses, and I follow her to the elevator. As Ansley pushes the button for the garage, I realize how quickly she distracted me. She stopped me from getting to the point I needed to release the pressure that was building in my chest. I glance at her from the corner of my eye. She may have saved my life, and she doesn’t even know it.

Present Day

I should be working out any bugs in the app we’re about to launch. Instead, I’m staring at the business card Caroline gave me from Victor. I twirl it in my fingers, my stomach clenching.

He said he wouldn’t tell Donovan he saw me, but is he being honest? Why doesn’t he speak to Donovan anymore? Why would he give Caroline this card? She said he seemed worried, but why?

The last time I saw Victor was four years ago when I had my once a month lunch date with him and Donovan. I already had my plan in place at that time. I was just waiting for the perfect moment to leave. If Victor found me, I know Donovan will if he hasn’t already.

I know what Donovan does, and I know what he did to my mom. I met Connor a while ago at the gym I go to. It’s owned by Caroline’s boyfriend Bass; he and Connor are best friends. I’m sure it’s the same Connor that Donovan used to raise hell about the year before I ran away. The tension in my chest twists so tight I have to force myself not to allow my thoughts to drift toward what could help. I exhale and twirl the card in my fingers again. I wonder where he’s been. He and Josie lived near here, and the majority of his businesses were in this town.

What happened between him and Donovan? Caroline told me they were no longer friends. He didn’t tell her why, but why would he? Victor doesn’t know her. He doesn’t know me. Not really. He did promise her he wouldn’t tell Donovan he saw me, but I want to hear it from him myself. I place the card on my desk and stare at the phone number. I already have it memorized, so I don’t need to keep looking at it.

I put the card back in my purse, then pull the app up on my computer to run tests and make sure there aren’t any bugs. I need to put Victor out of my head. He’s part of my past, not my present, and definitely not my future.

Why should I trust him? He was best friends with Donovan. And as the saying goes, you are the company you keep. After a few minutes of staring unblinkingly at my laptop, I decide to call it a day. I can’t focus and nothing I do is making the tension in my chest go away. I’ll be okay once I get home and pick the weeds out of my garden. Getting my hands dirty usually helps.

I swallow, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat as I pack my things. There’s another way I could get rid of the pressure in my chest, but it’s been years. I make sure everything on my desk is exactly where it should be, then leave without saying bye to anyone and focus on the work I can do in my garden when I get home.

I’m sure I’ll get a call or text from Ansley and Caroline later, but I’ll make up an excuse of some kind. Exiting the elevator, I walk slowly to the doors that lead out to the parking garage. Glancing behind me and to the side, I make sure no one is following me. My ears are attuned to every noise. Looking out the small window to the garage, I examine each car before pushing it open and practically running to my car.

What if Victor did tell him he saw me and he’s waiting out here for me? What if one of his men grab me? I jump in my car, slam and lock the doors as quickly as possible. I put the key in the ignition before backing out of my parking spot, exiting the garage, and make it out onto the street.

I inhale deeply as I watch my rearview and side mirrors, making sure no one is following me. Stopping at a red light, I check my rearview mirror again. I rest my head against my seat and try to calm my racing heart, that tension getting even tighter.

I usually always leave with someone. On the rare occasions I leave by myself, I’m like a little kid turning the lights off in their bedroom and racing to their bed, hoping something doesn’t grab their ankle from under the bed. My chest is tight and my eyes burn as I focus on taking deep breaths. Will I ever be normal? All I want is to be normal. Picking my phone up, I hit Rose’s name under my contacts. She gave me her personal number for times like this. This is progress, I remind myself, so I don’t hang up.

“Hello?” Just hearing her voice calms me down.

“Today, I saw my stepfather’s best friend and I’m freaking out a little.” I don’t greet her, instead the words tumble out of me. I’ve found if I don’t do that, I’ll never say what I need to say.

“I bet that was hard,” she replies. I swallow the lump in my throat. “Would you like to come in? I just saw my last patient.”

“I want to go home and work in my garden,” I respond. She’s the only person I’m almost honest with. There are parts of me I’m still scared to show, but with her… It’s strange. I always go with the flow with everyone else hiding parts of myself that are too painful to show.

“Okay. Do you want to talk while you drive home?” I suck in a breath and try to ignore the ache in my heart.

“I’ve been doing so well, but seeing him…” I trail off, trying to put words to what I’m feeling. “It made me feel like that little girl who just lost her mom and had no idea what was in store for her.” She doesn’t know everything Donovan did to me. She knows he abused me, but she doesn’t know I ran away, and she doesn’t know his name. I always refer to him as my stepfather. I’m too afraid for people to find out Donovan Castiel is my stepfather.

Donovan and Victor were best friends, so seeing him again brought all that back up. A lump forms in my throat. I’ve been in therapy for three years now. Ansley told me about Rose when she walked in on me in the bathroom. She used to date Ansley’s brother.

Although Ansley has never gone to her, she assured me she would be helpful. I was so angry at her for even suggesting it. I also thought she was a bit of a hypocrite that she referred me to her but refused to see her. Looking at it now, I can understand why it would be tough going to see someone who used to sleep with your brother. And maybe Ansley doesn’t need therapy. Who am I to judge how someone else deals with issues they go through?

“You’re going to have days like that, Liv. Where it feels like it happened just yesterday. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date, and it’s okay. It’s also normal for all those feelings to rise concerning your stepfather.”

I turn on my street and suck in another shaky breath. “I know,” I whisper. “He gave me his business card and told me to contact him if I needed anything.”

“Are you going to call him?”

Looking in my rearview mirror, I triple check to make sure that no one is following me. I have several routes I take, so I don’t have a set routine. Anytime I leave my house it’s at different times, and I go to the gym on different days. I know all the things I shouldn’t be doing. Hopefully, it’s working.

“I don’t know yet,” I admit.

“Maybe calling him will help.”

“Maybe.” If I call him, he could confirm he didn’t tell Donovan. I pull onto my street and look in my mirrors again. “Thank you for listening.” She doesn’t answer right away and I know she’s trying to figure out if I’m okay or not. “I’m home, so I’m going to pull weeds and plant the new flowers I got.”

“Are you sure?” She’s still trying to feel me out.

“Yes. I just needed to talk it out,” I assure her.

“If you need to come in before your next appointment, just let me know.”

I agree and tell her bye. She’s my therapist, but she only knows bits and pieces about what life was like after my mom died. There’s one secret I’ve never told anyone. A secret I’ll probably never tell.

Taking in my surroundings, I make sure there aren’t any cars or people I don’t recognize. I want to run inside and lock the doors, but I force myself to take a deep breath and ignore that instinct. The only thing I’d change about this house if I could is having a garage I could park in. I used to never leave when it was dark or stay out past dark.

The first time I did girls’ night with Ansley, I barely enjoyed it because all I could think of was walking from my car to the front door in the dark. I almost didn’t go again because of that. I told Rose, and she said it was normal to experience some anxiety with the way I grew up, but to not allow it to interfere with making friends. She suggested I get some pepper spray so I’d feel a little more safe. Pepper spray in hand, I unlock the door and step inside, looking around the street one last time before closing the door.

The alarm beeps, letting me know I have thirty seconds to put in the code before it goes off. Inserting the code quickly, I turn back to the door to lock the deadbolt, slide the bar, then put on the chain lock before walking to my bedroom to change out of my work clothes and into my gardening clothes.

Walking into the backyard, I follow the perimeter of the privacy fence I had installed when I moved in and look for any loose pieces to make sure there aren’t any holes where someone could peep in. It’s become my nightly ritual.

I used to do it in the mornings when I woke up too, but I’ve tried to ease into nights only and so far I’m okay. It may seem excessive, but there are times when I still feel like someone is watching me. It might just be my imagination, but I’d rather be safe than sorry. My stepfather is crazy and it wouldn’t surprise me if he found me. In fact, I’m surprised he hasn’t found me yet. It’s not like I went that far.

Only a couple of hours. I moved to a town we would visit sometimes with my mom and we had monthly lunches with Victor. When I saw the job listing for Lincoln’s company, I applied immediately. I wanted to move further, but I’ve never been on my own. I needed some familiarity.

Grabbing my gloves and gardening tools, I kneel to pull the weeds where I plan on planting my new flowers. I love flowers. I love how cathartic it is to pull weeds, plant flowers, and watch them grow into something beautiful. It reminds me of my mom and all the hours we spent together doing this very thing before she died.

Rose is right. Sometimes I can go days, even weeks, without thinking about my mom. I can even go days without thinking about the hell I lived in after she died. Then other days it feels like it just happened. Once all the weeds are pulled, I create the holes for the flowers.

“I’m so tired, mom. I’m so tired of feeling like I always have to be on guard. Of being afraid, and being strong. I just want someone else to be strong for me. Just for a little while.” I suck in a shaky breath, my chest tight and my eyes burning. But I don’t cry.