Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

KATRINA

“Shit,” I whisper to myself, however I know Katler heard me.

“No bad words, Momma,” he tells me and looks into my eyes.

“Sorry, baby,” I reply.

I’m at a loss at the moment what to do or say. I look at Heller and see the complete devastation written all over his face. His friend looks like he’s ready to kill someone, anger emanating off of him in droves.

“Heller,” I call out, trying to get his attention. He looks at me and waves me off. Clearly not ready to talk about the situation.

“McCormick,” I hear someone else holler from behind us. As I turn around, I see a group of men walking towards us. Some have medical gear, some have stretchers, and some have heavy duty equipment. I’m sure that’s to rescue and help people get out of tight spaces.

“Captain,” his friend answers. “We need to get him out of here, right fucking now.” His friend is practically growling as he says this, looking at me with pure disdain. I can’t really blame him, I knew I wouldn’t be welcomed back here with open arms, but my boy deserves to have his father around, so it was a sacrifice I needed to make.

“What’s the issue?” Captain asks, looking very puzzled. “I thought we needed to get people that were trapped?”

“We got them out,” Carlos answers and points to me and my son. “Heller is having a panic attack, get him out of there now.” His voice is rising as he speaks. Clearly, he’s very protective of his friend.

“Heller,” Captain calls out as he kneels in front of him. I know I should jump in and help them calm him, but I would only likely do more damage than good.

“I’m okay,” he whispers, but I can see that he’s still struggling to get himself together. “I’m going to be okay, just get me the fuck out of here.”

My heart hurts that he doesn’t want to be here with us, but I know the only person at fault for him reacting this way is myself.

“Ma’am,” someone new walks up and kneels in front of me and Katler. “Are you okay, do you need medical attention?” He’s looking over both of us but doesn’t reach out to touch anyone.

“We’re okay,” I reply. “They got us out of the car. My son needs a change of clothes, and I need some Tylenol. If I can just get a couple of things out of my car, that would be great.”

“We’re going to take you over to West End Medical, to get you both evaluated,” he answers. “It’s protocol, so please don’t try to fight us. We’ll let you grab immediate needs, but the rest will have to wait.”

“Okay.” I know I need to be compliant, I’ve already caused enough headaches for the day. They’ve already granted me more than I expected, so I’ll do as they ask.

I glance around, hoping to get Heller’s attention once more, but they must’ve gotten him out of here while the paramedics were speaking, as he’s nowhere in sight. I sigh audibly, then pick up my son and follow the men to what has to be an ambulance or some form of transportation to the hospital.

When we arrive at the hospital, I look around, noting not much has changed in the last five years since I’ve been here. Not that a lot changes in a short amount of time, but one hopes that as things change within you, things will change around you as well.

Last time I was here, I had a mental breakdown. It was right after I found out I was pregnant. My whole brain went haywire, and I was in such a depressive low, I thought I was going to hurt myself. I spent three days in confinement, working with mental health professionals, hoping to help me with my episode.

I was diagnosed with bipolar a few years prior and thought with the help of my medication, I had my cycling under control. I met the love of my life, and though in the beginning, it was rough, we managed to learn more about the how’s, what’s, and why’s of my cycles. Some days, I was feeling great about myself, about things around me. Some days, I was over excited, another part of the cycling. But most days, I felt like my existence was futile. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to be a burden. Not only for myself, but for society.

Heller and I had been through a lot those first months, how he stayed with me by my side was a tribute to his strength. Most people would have run, far away from the amount of cycling I did in the beginning.

While I was admitted here, I learned that my pregnancy was one of the reasons I went into what they call ‘rapid cycling’. It was treatable, as my disorder had been, but would take a different approach to medication and treatment. The hormones from pregnancy caused a few complications to my already fragile mental health.

In time, I learned to manage my episodes again. Lots of counseling and staying steady in my treatment was key. By the time I thought I was ready to return to Heller, and tell him why I ran out on him, it was too late. Katler was a newborn and I just knew it would have destroyed Heller that I wasn’t honest with him and had his son without him present.

There were many times I had thought about coming home, but each time I did, I saw the disappointment on Heller’s face and changed my mind. Of course, I knew it was still Bipolar making me believe so, but I listened to the voices in my head instead of my heart.

When I started my new meds, just a few months ago, I was finally able to get a better handle on the situation. I knew that it was now or never that I would bring my son to meet his father. Give both the men in my life a chance at what I neglected for them for way too long.

That’s what led me back here. It was time to confront my own demons and take back the life I was meant for. Only, nature had a way of taking away the way it was happening, and I didn’t have much time to fix it.