Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

ARTHUR

The more time I spent with Hendrix, the more I realized how much I missed out on in my past relationship. Sex wasn't just a perfunctory act to have kids. It was passionate and playful and so good I couldn't think straight. It made me question everything I'd ever done with Val. Sex with her had been… awkward. I had no idea what I was doing, and I was anxious the entire time. Val had refused to have sex until after we were married, and then it was only every so often to try and have a baby. I never had a chance to explore or try new things with her. Maybe if I had, I would've eventually realized I was more into having sex with men than with women.

That little revelation hit me while I was on my lunch break at work. With Val, I never argued about trying different things during sex. Why bother when I knew she'd say no and it wasn't really enjoyable enough for me to push anyway? I thought maybe it was me. That I didn't have the sex drive that normal guys did, but the time I was spending with Hendrix was proving that very wrong.

I couldn't keep my hands off him. He couldn't come over every night, he had part-time jobs and finding a new guitarist to contend with, but he came over a few times a week. We hadn't gone all the way yet, but I was now very familiar with hand jobs, frotting, and blowjobs. And when he was gone, I craved more. I was jerking off way more than I ever had in the past to deal with my raging libido, my mind almost constantly on Hendrix and sex.

And now I was getting hard at work. I was glad I was the only person in the breakroom because it was just embarrassing how often my mind strayed to the last time Hendrix came to visit. Which, again, never happened with Val. The most I thought about sex before was wondering if that time was enough to get her pregnant.

It was a little confusing. Surely I would've noticed I was into men before now. I was in my thirties. It wasn't like I was born under a rock. I knew about same-sex relationships when I was younger. I just never thought much about it. My parents didn't talk to me about relationships outside of one five minute safe sex talk in high school. Their opinions were more traditional from what I knew of them. I never really asked about their thoughts on same-sex relationships. Honestly, they never gave their opinion on any relationship. Not even my relationship with Val.

Staring off into space, trying to figure out how I could be into men after only ever looking at women, I wasn't aware that someone came to join me until they plopped into the seat next to me. I jumped, blinking rapidly, and Henry shot me a sheepish grin.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I hate eating lunch alone. Mind if I join you?"

It was a little late to ask, but I didn't say that. That seemed rude. I nodded instead, tipping my head at him. Henry was the one who set me up on the blind date. He never asked what my sexual orientation was, and he didn't blink at my acceptance of his offer. Maybe he would have more knowledge than I would. It felt awkward to ask at work, but I didn't know who else to ask.

"Um… Can I ask you a question?"

He popped open his lunch, spearing his fork into the pasta salad. "Sure? Unless it's work related. I prefer to separate work from break times. Helps keep me from burning out."

That was fair. I did the same thing. I didn't bring work home with me either if I could help it. Once I was done for the day, I liked to clear my head and start fresh the next morning.

"No, this is more… personal."

Henry looked surprised, which again, was fair, since I didn't really interact much with people at work. Mostly because I heard Val's voice in my head, demanding my next promotion or a bonus from work. She wouldn't appreciate me making friends when I could be working to better our lives together. The habit to overwork still stuck with me and I was only just starting to do things for me a year after our divorce.

"Sure, shoot. What's up?"

"I, uh…" I wasn't entirely sure how to frame my question and I considered taking it back, but I already started the conversation. "I was wondering if you thought it was possible for someone not to realize they were gay until they were in their thirties?"

My face flushed as his eyebrows quirked. This was a stupid idea. I could have just looked it up online. Though that lacked any genuine appeal, since I wasn't sure what articles were real or made up. I wished I had friends I was more comfortable asking, but aside from Hendrix, there wasn't anyone I felt I could talk to. And I didn't want to ask him. It was embarrassing enough to admit I'd never been with anyone but Val.

To his credit, Henry didn't look weirded out or judgmental. He pondered the question, his head tipped slightly and his eyes narrowed at the wall.

"I mean, it's always possible. Some people are sheltered or uneducated with regards to different types or relationships. Then they become adults and realize there's something more out there than what they're used to and it can be a shock to the system. Really, sexuality isn't black and white. It's a spectrum, kind of like gender. You can be bisexual, with a heavy preference towards one gender but still interested in another. You can like both genders equally. You can be pansexual and open to all gender identities. It really just depends on you. And until a person explores their options, it wouldn't really be surprising that they didn't figure out their preferences until later."

"A-Are you…?"

He lifted his shoulder. "I'd say I fall under 90% straight. I've got a preference for women, but I don't think I'd ever fully discount men. I like to keep my options open." He studied me, raising his eyebrows. "I take it you're questioning your sexuality?"

Frowning, I looked down at my mostly finished lunch. He was being kind, and I was curious about exploring the whole spectrum idea, but I was still embarrassed that I didn't figure any of this out sooner.

Henry's hand rested lightly on my forearm. "Hey. There's no judgment from me. If you didn't know before now, then there's nothing wrong with that. There's no age limit for knowing what you're into."

Clearing my throat, I nodded my head slightly. "Thank you. I appreciate that."

He gave my arm a squeeze before releasing me and turning back to his lunch. "No problem. I'm glad you felt comfortable talking to me about this. I try to portray myself as an ally, but I didn't want to assume your sexuality either way. You let me set you up with Tyrese a few months back, but I didn't know if you were just being polite or not. Kinda felt like you went along with it because I was whining and you didn't want to make things awkward."

The reminder of my one other date with a man made me wince. That date had been beyond awkward. I wouldn't have said yes if I wasn't curious, but it was mostly forced conversation and awkward tension. Nothing at all like what I experienced with Hendrix.

"Oh god, you were just being nice, weren't you?" Henry whimpered.

I shook my head quickly. "No. Well, I mean kind of. I wasn't really comfortable with the idea of a blind date, but I was also curious. I went because I wanted to see if I could figure things out on my own. To say I failed miserably would be an understatement."

"Yeah, Tyrese told me the date wasn't great. He's a nice guy, but if there were no sparks, then that probably didn't help answer your questions, huh? What tipped the scales, if you don't mind me asking?"

My face flushed as Hendrix on stage popped into my head. That first concert had been an eye opener. Instant attraction, full-blown crush in seconds, and my first time touching myself at the thought of a man when I got home later that night.

Henry's eyes lit up, and he practically bounced in his seat. "Are you seeing someone? Is that what made you start questioning things?"

My cheeks burned hotter, and I considered lying and saying my lunch was over to escape. I couldn't do that, though. Henry was being kind, and I didn't want to offend him after he was nice enough to have an honest conversation with me.

"I, uh… Yes. I'm seeing someone."

"And I'm guessing it's going well?" he grinned, waggling his eyebrows.

Thankfully, before I had to answer that question, someone else pushed into the room. Henry lifted his chin in greeting before swinging back to me, his voice low.

"I wanna hear about it later. We should hang out sometime. It's hard to make friends in this stuffy office and my work wife bailed for a better offer. I need a new work bestie."

As awkward as the conversation had been, I appreciated his help, and I liked the idea of having a friend at work. We exchanged numbers, and I went back to my desk with a smile on my face.

I couldn't help but think Hendrix had a lot to do with the changes in my life. I was making friends because of him, exploring the city on our dates, and truly enjoying myself for the first time in a long time. Usually, the only time I could say I was having fun was with Sophie. I liked the changes, and I contemplated a way to thank him for drawing me out of my shell a little. Even if we didn't last forever, I would appreciate the efforts he made. He deserved a little recognition for that.