Chapter Six

L ady Eleanor, Duchess of Smythington

My audition for the Kensington Music Conservatory was scheduled for three o'clock on Thursday. The letter in my lap had been a formal invitation to apply to the conservatory, pending an exceptional performance in front of a few select professional musicians. A team of emotions rushed through my head, and I tried to wrap my mind around the change of plans I would be forced to make. Guilt stood out the strongest. I reacted terribly to the news and my behavior hurt my daughter.

In my defense, my dream was abruptly snuffed, yet I couldn't say anything to anyone.

"I am certain we can manage a wedding in a fortnight." I tried to keep my voice steady. My family had to come first over my wants. A small part of me—a very small part—wished I could walk out the door and go to the audition regardless of the proposal.

"Will you play the violin at my wedding? Your latest peace is quite lovely, isn't it, Papa?" Anne asked. She was my biggest champion, and when she was still in the nursery, she often played with her dolls in the corner while I composed.

"Yes, your mother is an accomplished violinist." Rex was forever supportive, but unaware of my dream to study music. As a duke, he had other responsibilities, and my passions other than the family were out of his purview.

Resentment bubbled up inside me at his lack of interest. I quickly suppressed the adverse feelings. It wasn't his fault because I had never told him how important it was to me. He used to be the only person I confided in. I couldn't tell him this. It was very personal, and I couldn't explain why.

"I will send a note around to Lady Olivia asking for her help in planning the ceremony." We had agreed she would act as my alibi lest anyone ask for my whereabouts. The ladies' guild had been a brilliant ruse on Olivia's part, and I appreciated her friendship. I had almost given the game away with my rambling explanations about matters pertaining to nothing. Rex's earlier grilling had been very uncharacteristic, which had flustered me more than usual, furthering my guilt.

"Nigel will be pleased that the two of you will work together to make our day even more special." Anne put a hand to her head and tugged at one of the rags looped around her hair. She wasn't a vain girl, which pleased me to no end. As the daughter of a duke and the season's incomparable, her status might have gone to her head. It hadn't. "I must get ready."

"Sit down and eat." Rex motioned to the chair she had vacated moments before.

"I can't. I am too excited to eat. I am to be married!" With a bright giggle, she exited the room and ran into her younger brother so hard that she almost knocked them over. I sucked in a sharp breath, expecting them to fall to the floor. Anne settled her palms on his shoulders to keep both of them from falling and drew him into her embrace with a laugh. "I am getting married."

"Anne!" Harry protested. He was almost as tall as her and was the exact image of his father. I caught his pleading gaze. While he had grown, he was still my little boy. The tears returned, and I willed them back.

"Let your brother go," Rex said.

"I am getting married, little brother." Anne obeyed Rex's request, but not before cupping Harry's cheek and kissing his forehead.

Rather like what Rex had tried to do earlier. Like a brother and sister. Not like lovers. My risqué conversation with Olivia rushed into my mind. Would he be appalled or open to any of the scenarios that she had suggested?

With another giggle, Anne disappeared down the hallway.

"I am assuming Anne is getting married." Harry pulled down his coat and straightened his neckcloth. He was a serious boy with a sarcastic sense of humor. He pushed a strand of blond hair from his face and took the vacated seat.

"Yes. Nigel will be formally asking for my permission." Rex sipped at his coffee, the grey morning coat fitting his shoulders to perfection. His longish brown hair was brushed away from his face. Every time I looked at him, I felt shame because of the string of illicit dreams that I had been having about Guy at the Stratham Hotel. Worse, last night Guy's face had morphed into Flynn's, and in my dreams, Flynn had kissed me down there.

My down there began to throb from the fantasy. I forced my mind from that dangerous place even though I wanted to continue pondering the possibilities. Since I had lost the chance to audition, I must focus on something other than my deep disappointment. The prospect had galvanized me into trying new things, most particularly with my husband. However, both goals were out of my reach at the moment.

"You must have marriage contracts drawn up before she can wed. A fortnight isn't enough time." Harry never forgot a single detail, which was a blessing for him and sometimes a hindrance for us. It was difficult to discipline a child who could recall your every word when you said it, and in what context.

"It was more than apparent that they would wed, thus Lord Flynn and I already had some preliminary contracts drawn up. Nigel asking for her hand is ceremonial." Rex tilted his head, humor quirking his lips. Like me, he found Harry amusing, and delighted in matching wits with the boy.

Harry simply nodded.

"A wedding in a fortnight." While a challenge, it would have to get done. If I couldn't go to the conservatory, I would throw myself into the preparations. There was a chapel on the estate property that I could ready for a small ceremony. It was fashionable to have larger weddings like Queen Victoria's, however, the pomp and circumstance was tiring after a while. I would never say that out loud lest I sound ungrateful. I was a duchess, after all.

"Will it be too much for you, my dear?" Rex picked his paper up again, blocking me from view. Was this the way the rest of our life was destined to be? Not that I expected him to engage me in conversation at all hours of the day. That would be exhausting. Yet I wanted to do more than stare at the back of a newspaper. The solution was obvious, and I would have to make a critical decision. Either I would be bold and ask Rex to satisfy me or continue to live in purgatory.

"No, I don't believe so. Olivia can assist with the details as well." My conversation with her had deepened our friendship, no matter how risqué the subject matter.

Would she cut our association if she found out Flynn was haunting my dreams with his charming smile and impressive frame? Because our families were close, I was never far from his company, making the dreams very troubling. I could barely look at him without thinking of the days he courted me. Rex had challenged my mind and when he kissed me, my entire body seemed to warm from within. When Flynn kissed me, one place in particular flared to life. The blush I seemed to constantly be fighting returned.

Flynn brought out the impulsive lady my parents had warned me against becoming. With him, I had let down my defenses. He was trouble in more ways than one. The night we had waded in the fountain during a house party, I had allowed him to touch my breasts. His kisses had incited the need to buck propriety, and if I was a woman with less common sense, our play would have evolved to much more. The consequences had been a painful reminder to act the proper lady, lest others get hurt.

"I suppose I must attend." Harry buttered a slice of toast before piling some kippers on his plate. He had the appetite of a growing boy, and seeing him thriving gave me great joy. I adored my children and couldn't fathom laying a hand on any of them in anger.

"Of course you will attend your sister's wedding. She will depend on her family for support." Rex lowered his paper and stared at his son for a long moment. Our youngest often spoke quite bluntly, and while Anne was very much aware of everything happening around her, Harry lived in his own world. Much like Rex at times. The similarities were not lost on me. He often displayed a singular focus on whatever problem was brought to him until he came to a satisfying conclusion. Earlier, with the letter, was one of the rare times he zeroed in on my activities.

The one time I wished he hadn't.

"You needn't fear, you will only be required to sit in the pew while her vows are read." Of all my children, I worried about him the most. He often spent hours at a time in the garden digging up worms. He said he wanted to be a scientist. With his birthright, he would always be a gentleman.

Offering a shrug of resignation, Harry picked up his toast and began to eat with his right hand. The fingers on his left hand drummed a steady rhythm on the tabletop. Rex and I took his quirks and behavior in stride. Others thought him odd. My hackles rose every time I heard the whispers following him, hence my fear of him attending boarding school. My one consolation was that Atticus was attending his second year at Oxford University, the campus less than two miles away from Knutchester, and he would be able to check in on his brother if the need arose. Not only would the house be empty without my children.

The mantel clock chimed the hour, and Harry stood abruptly, jogging my darkened thoughts. He shoved the rest of the toast into his mouth, his cheeks bulging.

"What are you doing, son?" Rex asked with a curious glance at Harry. After my tumultuous childhood, I was relieved my husband was a gentle man who never raised his voice to the children and treated everyone with respect. It was one of the things I loved about him. Unlike my father who ran the household with an iron fist, striking down anyone who dared disobey him, Rex's elevated status commanded obedience. He never demanded it.

"I am going fishing," Harry said, bits of crumbs spraying from his mouth.

I stifled a laugh despite the disgusting action. My place at the conservatory might be lost, but I still had my family.

Rex shook his head, exasperation twisting his lips. "Do not speak with your mouth full."

Nodding, Harry lifted the teacup and drained it, swallowing with a loud gulp. Once he was done, he placed the cup back down. "I have some fresh worms and I want to see if the fish like the older ones or the newer ones."

"I see," I said. "Have you thought no matter when the worms were dug up, and as long as they were alive, they'd be no fresher." I liked to challenge Harry with wordplay. He was sharp and very thoughtful. Like his father.

He twisted his mouth and tilted his head, clearly giving this some thought. "That is why I am experimenting."

"I suspect he can answer your question logically once he finishes his experiment," Rex said.

"I will." Harry didn't wait to be excused. He left before I could reply.

The light in Rex's gaze drew me in, and I wished I could turn the clock back twenty years. What Olivia had suggested was bold, and the confidence I carried because of it was dashed, along with my hopes. My husband was the one constant in my life. Perhaps I could ease into the seduction instead. Once things in Parliament died down and Rex had more free time, I would suggest another encounter outside in the garden. It had been memorable, and I had been close to reaching that unattainable bit of heaven that always seemed to elude me during our intimate moments.

"Eleanor?" Rex called my name.

I snapped my head up, praying my fair skin wouldn't give away my illicit thoughts. "I am sorry, my mind was elsewhere."

"I must leave for the day." With a pat on my shoulder, he left the room.

There I had been fantasizing about being intimate with my husband, and he patted me on the shoulder. It was worse than being kissed on the forehead. Disenchantment continued to be the theme of the morning for me. Once again, I was alone with nobody except the servants for company.

Tears pushing at the back of my eyes, I stood and rushed from the room. I had a hundred things to do, but my heart was no longer in it. My dreams of attending the conservatory had diminished once again, and the platonic state of my marriage added to my upset. I entered the music room with a heavy heart and retrieved my violin. As I sat down in my favorite chair, I lifted the bow and began to play. Alone again, I would play for a party of one.

Myself.