Chapter Four

L ady Eleanor, Duchess of Smythington

I entered the Stratham Hotel and glanced around, a bit nervous to attend such a public venue without being on Rex's arm. The lobby was rather modest but elegantly appointed. Olivia had asked me to meet her at the hotel for luncheon. Wishing to break from my routine to try other things, I eagerly agreed.

I asked the concierge for her table, and the snappily dressed gentleman led me through the hotel's atrium with its soaring ceilings of crisscrossed woodwork polished to a high gloss. The sound of cutlery and low voices greeted me as we entered the dining area.

The smell of enticing food made my stomach rumble. With other things to do, I hadn't eaten that morning. Now that the time was at hand, I was starving. The concierge walked me to a corner where Olivia was sitting at the table, talking to a suave waiter. He looked up at the sight of me, flashing a white smile. He was very debonair with his crisp suit and black hair slicked back with pomade.

"Eleanor," Olivia said. She wore a navy hat with a white plume and a handsome navy dress that complimented her coloring. "I was just talking to Guy about today's specials. I ordered a bottle of Bordeaux for us.

"Madame," Guy said in a charming French accent.

The concierge pulled out my chair, and I slipped into it. The table was draped with a white cloth, and swan-shaped napkins sat next to polished silver. There was an air of liveliness about the establishment that I found appealing. Ferns in potted urns were placed throughout the dining room, blocking us from most patrons.

"Thank you. A glass of wine would be much appreciated." Normally, Rex and I would have a private room when we dined out. With the season, our nights together had suffered. When we did socialize as a couple, it was usually with other members of Parliament who invited us to some state dinner or other affair. Very rarely did I venture out alone, and it was quite refreshing.

"Isn't this place divine?" Olivia asked. It had become fashionable for women to luncheon at restaurants such as this without their spouses.

"I think it is lovely." I took the napkin and laid it in my lap, admiring the embossed silver cutlery polished to a high shine.

We were forced to stop talking when the sommelier brought the wine to our table, a white napkin over his sleeve. The waiter followed behind with two glasses, placing them before us. The two men worked in tandem, the flirty waiter staring at me a bit longer than was proper. I felt a tingling inside my core that was completely unacceptable.

The sommelier was an older man with distinguished gray temples who poured some wine into the glass with a flourish, allowing Olivia to taste it before she nodded. Rex usually did all of this, and it was somewhat odd to watch another woman take charge, except it was liberating at the same time. I never realized how much I depended on my husband for formalities. Olivia wasn't shy about performing anything that could be construed as outside the window of propriety for society ladies. Another thing I admired about her.

The waiter gave us each a menu. The slender leather cover was richly embossed, and I admired the tassels binding it, the green silk pretty against the white tablecloth.

Soft music began to drift across the space, the sound soothing to my ears. "This is quite lovely," I said. The strains of Chopin's Raindrops Prelude serenaded us with a beautiful melody.

"Yes, the music here is very peaceful." It was a bright day, and sunshine cut through the stained glass windows at the top of the atrium, adding a lively air to the dining room.

"How is Nigel?" I shook my head, recalling too late our agreement. "I am sorry, we agreed the conversation today would be about us, not our children."

"Indeed, you are right." She lifted her glass and sipped the wine. "Did I ever tell you I wanted to be a doctor?"

"A doctor, you say?" Women weren't allowed to study medicine in England. However, I had heard there were several who studied in Sweden and became doctors. "How very fascinating."

"I wanted to help save lives. After Nigel was born, I realized I would be a horrible doctor because I get very queasy at the sight of blood." She released a visible shudder, regret in her eyes. "Alas, dreams have a way of fading when reality sets in."

"Indeed, you are correct." I didn't have such grand aspirations. During my childhood, I discovered I had a gift for music. It had been my salvation in a sea of strife and uncertainty. Through my violin, I had lost myself in melodies to avoid the tribulations in my life.

"If you had anything you could do in this world, what would it be?" Olivia asked.

"I have no idea." Embarrassment heated my cheeks. Removing my gloves, I frowned at the chip in my thumbnail in contemplation. I would have to see to that when I returned home. My father had drilled into my head that I needed to look the perfect lady both outside and inside my home. In his words, I shouldn't force my husband to stray because I did not present myself in a manner that would reflect well on him.

"Come now, Eleanor. Surely you had some dreams when you were younger, even if they were silly."

A couple next to us laughed. The sound cut into the silence between us. I was nervous and unsure why. We were simply having a conversation about our one-time dreams. Except mine hadn't truly faded. "I always dreamed of auditioning for the National Training School of Music. Of course, it is too late for that."

A smile bloomed on her face at my admission. "It is never too late. Why don't you do it?"

"Because it is no longer in existence." Even if it still existed, I had so much happening in my life it would be impossible to carve out the time to do it. Except that, my children were leaving, which would leave a big gap in my day.

"There are other conservatories. Flynn is on the board of the Kensington Music Conservatory. Like you, he has a great love of music."

"Even if I wished to, it isn't possible." I stared at my chipped nail, unable to un-see the damage.

"Why can't you?"

Silence fell again before I looked at her, my mouth quirking. I shrugged. "There's no reason why I shouldn't, is there?" A spark of excitement rushed through me at the prospect. Would I have the nerve to try?

"No, there's no reason you shouldn't. I will speak to Flynn and—"

"No, you mustn't." Olivia tended to take things a bit too far in her enthusiasm. It had been Mary's number one complaint about her sister-in-law. "If I applied, and I am not saying I shall, I don't wish to get in because of his influence or my status as a duchess."

"You can always use an alias and apply as Eleanor Smith."

"I'm not sure if I could get away with that. There aren't very many duchesses and I am very recognizable. The papers have carried our photograph several times due to Rex's status in Parliament." My explanation sounded more like an excuse than a reason. The spark of something exciting had ignited, and I would give some serious thought to her suggestion.

"You would be surprised. People see what they want to see." The waiter came back, eyeing Olivia with a bit more interest than a servant should. He was clearly attentive to her, and with good reason. She was very charming and vivacious.

"Have you two ladies decided what you would like to order?"

Olivia lay down her menu and, giving me an inquiring glance, said, "We will leave it up to you to decide."

Guy's grin widened as he took our menus from us. "Very good madame."

I leaned forward the moment he walked away. "He seems rather friendly with you."

With a small smile, Olivia nodded. "He is very handsome and fills out his suit well."

"Olivia." I felt a blush coming on, and I wasn't sure why. I was a married woman who had been intimate with her husband and even carried out flirtations with Flynn and other gentlemen. During my coming out, I was very popular, and I enjoyed the attention. It wasn't until after the night I was with Flynn at the fountain that my father learned of my behavior. "I thought you were enamored of Flynn."

"I will be a dried-out prune before he comes around." Her lips turned down, and she lowered her lashes before rallying. "He still sees me as David's wife. I am still young, and there is a whole host of other men who are interested in me."

"They are indeed," I said. She was sought after at every party, but I could sense her disappointment in Flynn. Part of the reason I had chosen Rex over Flynn was because my father didn't like the bad influence Flynn had on me. I never told Rex that or anyone else. I didn't want him to think he was my second choice.

She thumbed the rim of her glass and tilted her head for a moment, deep in thought. "I assumed I would be with David until my dying day."

I reached over and squeezed her hand. She had been in love with her husband, and it had been a tragedy to lose him at such a young age. "I can't imagine what you went through."

With a wavering smile, she licked her lips and drew her gaze to mine once more. Determination rested in her eyes. "Thank you, but I wanted our luncheon to be a pleasant affair, and here I am being downhearted."

"Lately, that's all I seem to be doing." My husband was alive, and yet a part of me felt like I had lost him.

"Rex is a good man." Olivia drank more wine. "You are lucky to have him."

"He is, yet..." I trailed off, biting back the admission I was about to make. My marriage was private, and a lady simply didn't discuss such things, yet I needed to get this off my chest.

"And yet?" Olivia settled the glass back down, curiosity sparking her gaze.

"When you and David were, well..." I lowered my voice and looked around. Nobody seemed to be paying attention to us. My face flamed, and I was sure I had turned as red as a herring. "When you were married, were you, um, satisfied with how things were between you?"

"Not at first, no. English gentlemen are not well versed in all matters of intimacy." Olivia laughed, the rich sound making me smile despite my embarrassment at bringing up this conversation. "David was enthusiastic about his own passions, to be sure. During the course of our marriage, I made my own needs heard. Once we both conceded to our passions, things went well between us."

"I see." Her confession didn't truly help me in my dilemma. My parents had stressed the importance of letting my husband take the lead on those matters, and I was supposed to be happy he chose me and submit to his needs. I had followed that dictate and while I enjoyed my husband's touch, there was something lacking.

"Is Rex a selfish lover? He doesn't seem the sort."

My embarrassment increased. Since I was being honest, I might as well continue. "No, he is very solicitous. I..."

Guy returned with another man behind him, cutting off our conversation. He placed two bowls before us. The second man opened the tureen, the briny scent of fish soup wafting under my nose. Guy ladled an appropriate amount into our bowls. I was hungry but more interested in getting back to our conversation.

The second the waiter left, I lifted my spoon and hovered it over the bowl.

"You were saying Rex was solicitous." Olivia dipped her spoon in the rich tomato-based broth, eagerness in her eyes.

"I can't believe we're having this conversation." The soup was warm on my tongue, my mouth dry from the topic at hand.

"We are friends . What you tell me is in confidence."

Years of propriety were pounded into my head, and it was hard to speak of it. Olivia was a bit of a gossip; however, she kept our conversations private, thus I wanted to trust her. I needed advice. Inhaling, I told her about the restrictions I had put on our marriage bed, each word sounding more and more ridiculous as I said them. Except I had made a promise to curb my impulses after my father found out about my impromptu dance in the fountain with Flynn. I began to have trouble catching my breath at simply thinking about my father's reaction to the event. Not only had he beaten me for my behavior, but he had lashed my brother because he was supposed to be chaperoning me. My bad conduct had unintended consequences, and although I was a grown woman, some scars never healed.

"Eleanor, are you all right? You look rather pale," Olivia said.

"Oh, sorry, no, I am fine. The wine is a bit sour for my tastes," I lied, drinking more of the wine to dull the memories. Rex had wished to see me naked on our wedding night, but my torso and thighs still bore bruises from my last beating. The unsightly scars on my lower back would have been visible to him, and I would have had to confess my shame. After I stated my limitations to Rex, he took my suggestions at face value and respected my wishes. I often wondered if Flynn would have been more insistent in pushing the boundaries. He'd proven capable of making me lose my inhibitions in the fountain. "By keeping our relations in a more traditional lane, I thought I was doing the right thing."

With a shake of her head, she laid down her spoon. "I am not shocked by this. My own mother told me the same thing. The difference is that I chose to put my needs on an equal footing as David's, and our marriage was much richer for it."

"I wish I was bolder like you." In the early years, I regretted my dictate to some degree. The invisible scars I carried were more powerful than my desires. After a time, my family's needs eclipsed my own. Rex seemed satisfied with our current arrangement, thus I told myself I was satisfied. Apparently, I had been lying to myself.

"Then be bolder. First and foremost, Rex is a man, and men like to look at women, it is a known fact. I can't believe he has never seen you, well, the way God made you."

Guy and his silent accomplice returned to our table once more. With a flirtatious smile, he asked, "I hope you are enjoying the soup."

"It is very tasty, thank you." The constant interruptions to our conversation were nerve-racking. I wanted her input, and now that the words were out, it was becoming much easier to discuss a rather complicated subject.

The two men left us once more.

"As I was saying, don't let silly expectations stop you from getting what you need from the arrangement." She eyed a chunk of white fish in the broth.

"It has been twenty years. I, well, I am not sure how to start." I was no longer hungry for food but for knowledge.

"Men are very basic and easily led if you use the right tactics." She flaked the fish with her spoon but didn't take a bite. "Some are more stubborn than others, like Flynn, however, his head is easily turned by a plump bosom."

"He was always a rake." The smoldering way he used to look at me had made my toes curl. "Rex is more conventional."

Spoon lifted, she waved it over her bowl. "He is quieter and less verbose, but he loves you. That is the best foundation."

"He is, which makes my remorse worse. I love him and desire him, I, well..." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I simply feel as if something is missing."

"Is it missing lately, or has it always been missing?"

The question sparked more internal debate, and I considered my response. "That is hard to answer. The emotional connection has always been there and I do enjoy his touch, however..." I trailed off, unable to finish. Rex seemed satisfied with our coupling so it must have been me.

Understanding lit her eyes, along with horror. "You have been married for twenty years and never had a sexual orgasm?"

I gasped at the term, looking around to ensure others hadn't heard us. "Olivia, mind your tongue."

"Rex is the one who should mind his tongue. Rather, his tongue should be minding you."

I didn't think it was possible to blush more. "Are you speaking of French kissing?" That was one thing we engaged in, and it was quite pleasant.

"I wasn't talking about French kissing, but rather him kissing you in areas farther down."

Surely she wasn't saying what I thought she was saying? The tips of my ears were burning, my entire body alive in heightened awareness. "I have heard of women, well, pleasuring a man with their, um, mouths there . Is it done the other way?"

"David was very adept at pleasuring me once I told him what I wanted. If you are unfulfilled in the boudoir, work with your husband to find a suitable resolution." She inspected her food once more, moving the fish around the bowl to scoop up a slivered carrot.

"I can't do that."

"You seem to be saying I can't an awful lot today." She was giving me no quarter, and while I was uncomfortable, I needed to hear it.

"How would I even broach the subject?" It was one thing in theory. Practice would require much more nerve. "Like me, he wasn't experienced when we married."

"Experience has nothing to do with it. Take off your gown and tell him what you want." She lifted the fish on her spoon and took a bite. "It is quite simple."

"I don't know what I want." A partial truth. I had told Rex about my father's abuse simply because I wanted him to know upfront that I would not tolerate such types of punishment to be meted out to our children. Since his father was rather strict, he agreed wholeheartedly with my request. I never told him the true extent of the abuse, however. I picked up my glass and drank the wine. I hadn't wished for animosity between Rex and my father. I wasn't sure if I was protecting my father or my pride. A flash of white caught my eye, and I held up a staying hand to Guy, who appeared ready to approach. I wanted to finish our discussion without interruption. With a conscious effort, I tucked the unwelcome memories into the back of my mind, choosing to focus on the future and not the past. "And even if I did know what I wanted, would he comply with my request? He seems happy with our current arrangement."

"Are you sure about that?"

Her question caught me off guard. "I, well, I assume so."

"You are making many assumptions." The cavalier way she said it belied the careful look she cast in my direction. She was challenging me to move past my comfort level. "If you find out that is truly the case, then find a man to have an affair with."

My mind instantly went to Flynn, my nipples tingling and the place between my legs flaring to life. I swallowed my guilt. The thought was a betrayal to Rex. Both men appealed to my baser side. Flynn was blatant in his desire for me, at least he had been. On the night of my anniversary, there was nothing platonic in his eyes when the dance ended, and our faces were very close together. The heat in my cheeks reached a raging fire. "You are thinking about it, aren't you?" She could read my mind.

"Finding another lover when I desire my husband seems counterproductive." There was no doubt in my mind Flynn would have pushed my boundaries in the marriage bed until I told him no. Rex had merely capitulated to my initial ground rules, and we had lived by them for our entire marriage. The exception being our anniversary, the one time in recent memory I had come the closest to reaching an elusive pinnacle of pleasure.

"Then I would recommend rekindling the flame with Rex. He loves you. If he can't or won't fulfill your needs, find someone who does." She settled her spoon across the bowl and I followed her lead.

My appetite had waned in the face of our frank conversation. If I could find a hybrid of both men, perhaps I could break out of the shell my father had built around me. The only person who could do that was me.

"I am certainly looking for a casual affair," Olivia glanced in Guy's direction in a telling manner.

Guy was at another table speaking to a patron I vaguely recognized. "Are you, perchance, talking about our waiter?" She had unquestionably been flirting with him.

"No, he is an Oscar, therefore I doubt he'd be interested."

"I thought his name was Guy." I inspected him before I lowered my gaze, not wishing to be caught staring.

Olivia began to laugh. "No, Oscar is code for, well," she leaned in close and whispered, "queer."

I leaned back, my hand racing to my chest. "Is he indeed? How do you know?"

She merely shrugged. "I have a sense. Call it intuition."

"But you aren't sure?" Like everyone else, I had read about the trial of Oscar Wilde, the famous writer who was infamously arrested for sodomy. I glanced around once again to make sure our conversation remained private. While most gossip was harmless, his life might be in danger if anyone overheard her comment. "Unfounded accusations could land the fellow in jail," I warned.

"Indeed, you are correct." Frown lines appeared between her brows, and she exhaled a long breath. "I was merely speculating. I couldn't bear the thought of being the catalyst to destroy his reputation for the sake of gossip. Pray forget I said anything."

I reached over and laid my hand on hers, giving her a forgiving smile. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

With a grin, she shook her head. "The man I was referring to is sitting at the table in the far corner. He is one of your neighbors and was quite attentive at the anniversary party."

"I thought I recognized him from somewhere," I said. Guy must have seen me staring, for he made his way to our side. I kept the smile firmly in place, unable to keep my mind from wandering while Olivia peppered him with questions about our entrées. I studied Guy while he spoke, gesticulating with every word. If he was, indeed, queer, I wasn't sure exactly how that would work. Although I suppose pleasuring his lover would entail some of the same practices Olivia and I had spoken about. It was a very interesting question, one I would never learn the answer to.

"I have been giving it much thought and if you would like, I think we should go to the conservatory after we finish dining and speak with them about the application process." Olivia nodded at her own idea.

I stared at her for a long moment, my mind spinning with uncertainty. My first instinct was to decline her offer and do a bit of research on my own first, but part of my problem of late was shutting people out who only wished to help me. It was difficult for me to ask for help—even though I was always offering to help others. Pride was a fickle beast. Either I could allow life to pass me by or jump in with both feet. "I think I am mad to agree, but yes, let's do it."

A smile bloomed across her lips and she laid her hand on my wrist. "Excellent."

I glanced about and lowered my voice, "No one can know. Promise me you will keep this between us." I didn't want Rex or Flynn or anyone else to know my plans until I could find out what applying curtailed. There were so many uncertainties and I wanted definitive answers before I could even contemplate moving forward with a long forgotten dream.

All in all, my luncheon with Olivia had proved very enlightening. Our earlier discussion had been eye-opening, the details of the intimacies performed between lovers titillating my imagination. There was the small matter of getting up the nerve to follow through with seducing my husband.

I was no longer a little girl under my father's thumb and if I wanted to salvage my marriage, I would have to shed years of suppressing my desires. It was one thing to theorize, and another to put the action into play.

Regardless, only I could change my life. I simply had to put myself out there and see where it would lead.