Chapter Fourteen

L ady Eleanor, Duchess of Smythington

I rubbed my tired eyes in the quiet breakfast room. Harry had indeed gotten into an ant hill, but the bites were not lethal. I didn't know what to do with that child sometimes. I was concerned about him attending Knutchester. It pained me to admit it, but my son would never fit into the mold of normality.

Rex entered and wrapped his arms around my neck, pulling me backward into his body. He kissed my cheek, the smell of his clean soap pleasing. Our night together with Flynn had been unforgettable. Instead of having an intimate night with Rex after our tryst in the study, I had spent the last two days in the sick room with Harry.

"Good morning, my love."

I turned my head, and our lips met. The heat of his kiss enveloped me in a blanket of warmth. I twisted in my seat and tilted my head, angling it so our lips connected more fully. He cupped my cheek and pulled me out of the chair, the heat of his body infiltrating my morning dress.

"Would you like to slip away for a bit?" Desire radiated from my core, my nipples responding to his nearness. I began to slide my arms around his neck, needing the closeness we had developed. I could still feel the flush of embarrassment at the liberties I took with his person and those he'd taken with mine. I didn't regret it, indeed I craved more.

He pressed soft kisses to my mouth and murmured through each one, "I have a full day's schedule. But I am sure I can postpone my morning row for you. Flynn will understand."

The sound of his name triggered erotic memories from the study. I would never look or feel the same about him again. "Flynn left for the country if you recall."

"Beg pardon your graces," The housekeeper said from behind me.

I reluctantly stepped away from my husband. We shared an exasperated look before he took his customary seat.

"Yes, Mrs. Jones?" I asked, careful to keep my tone light. Frustration quickly replaced my growing passions. Privacy was a rare commodity in my household.

"Two letters have been delivered that the carrier told me were urgent." Casting down her gaze, she handed an envelope to Rex and a much thinner one to me.

To see us in such a passionate embrace after years of decorum must have shocked her. I anticipated she'd be even more shocked in the upcoming days and months. Our intimacy seemed to be the only thing keeping me sane of late.

"Thank you, Mrs. Jones." Rex broke the seal and read the missive, frowning at the contents.

"You may go now." I waited for her to leave before opening the one she'd handed me. Relief shot through me, and I rounded the table, resting my hands on his shoulders. We were alone once more, and I wanted to pick up where we left off. "Queen Victoria has turned down our invitation to attend Anne's wedding."

"You said you were hoping she would. Although it would have been a great honor." He continued reading the letter he'd received without looking up at my actions. Whatever it contained had him enthralled. More so than my touch . I tucked the negative thought in the back of my mind. I would soon have his attention once more.

"It would be an honor, however, the wedding would have to have been a much grander affair, and I doubt a fortnight would have been enough time to plan it." I leaned in and took the lobe of his ear into my mouth, my hands skimming down his chest. "What in that letter has you so engrossed?" I asked.

Rex clasped my hands and leaned back, his cheek settling next to mine. "The prime minister has invited the Russian ambassador to play golf this morning, and he has requested that I be their fourth."

"Is it a matter of national security?" I asked. The prime minister often called on Rex to help him negotiate delicate problems pertaining to the country.

"Not truly, no. It is merely a golf game." He glanced at the mantel clock. "Tee-time is at nine o'clock."

He was choosing a golf game over me. All desire left me in a wave. I moved away from him and returned to my seat, my stomach tied in knots. "You wouldn't wish to be late," I said with biting sarcasm.

"You are right, it would be in bad form." He folded the letter before tucking it into his inner pocket. Head tilted, he tapped a finger on the vellum. "In the spirit of kinship, perhaps we can invite him and his wife for dinner tonight. The ambassador is an interesting chap, but according to the PM, he worries about his wife. She is a bit homesick, it would seem."

"I understand how she feels. Being in a foreign place and having her husband gone all the time must be difficult." While I was at home, I was having the same challenges. The irony was that Rex couldn't see it. My temples began to pound with defeat.

"Perhaps you could bring her to one of the ladies' guild luncheons so she can meet more ladies."

The ladies' guild wasn't real, and my lie had caught up to me. Dread cut through my upset, and I exhaled a long breath, the tension in my shoulders increasing. My panic was secondary to my growing outrage at what he was asking. "You wish for me to befriend someone I don't know and host her for dinner at a moment's notice while you are out golfing?"

Rex pressed his lips together, caution lighting his eyes. "In all fairness, I won't be golfing tonight."

In the past, I would have conceded and said yes to the dinner. I was not feeling charitable today, quite the opposite. I had been optimistic that he would put me first. I said nothing but continued staring at him, a host of adverse emotions racing through my head. Once again, I had been relegated to the back of the line until he needed me for something, then I was supposed to drop everything at his whim.

"You are upset."

Those three words could not be more accurate. "I am. We just made plans to sneak away, and you broke them as if my needs meant nothing to you."

"I am sorry, that was not my intention." He ran a hand through his hair, ruffling the thick strands. "I promise I will try to come home early tonight, and we can lock ourselves in our room, just the two of us."

By the earnestness of his expression, he believed what he said. Sadly, I couldn't even count how many times he had made similar promises and broken them. My hope that things might change between us was dashed. Biting my tongue, I poured tea in my cup. Other than a few passionate kisses, everything remained the same. "Do not make promises you can't keep."

"I said I would try." He frowned, consternation creasing his brow. His own temper was pricked from the jut of his jaw and the tick that beat a steady rhythm.

I stirred milk in my tea and attempted to hold back my annoyance, yet my patience was at an end. He had a bad habit of overextending himself, and I paid the price as I was the one expected to pick up all the loose ends. Strain fell heavily between us, the sound of my spoon clinking against the porcelain loud in the quiet room. When I stayed mute, his glower increased.

"I have many responsibilities I can't shirk." He crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, a bite to his tone that wasn't there a few seconds before. "You know that."

"Golfing with the prime minister is not a responsibility. It is a choice to play golf." I had his attention and debated if I should speak my truth or let the matter drop. My father had pounded obedience into me and I was used to swallowing my pride in lieu of others. Yet if I remained quiet, my bitterness towards Rex would continue to grow and I didn't want that. Exhaling a shaky breath, I said, "Since our marriage, I have been a wife and then a mother soon after. As a duchess, my time is spent doing tasks that are unchallenging, to put it bluntly. You are gone most nights, and I feel as if I am the last person on your priority list, whereas you are the first one on mine."

Silence reigned once more, and I waited for his response.

We rarely, if ever, disagreed on anything. I could read him quite well. He was weighing his response to my accusation. My fierce need for recognition was a new thing for him to swallow. It caught me unawares as well, but there it was.

"I wish I could be with you more, however, I am dealing with a very delicate matter that could harm the country's relationship with our allies." Rex reached over and laid his hand on mine, his combative stance gone.

"I understand you have obligations to the country. I am not disputing that. I am merely pointing out that you are choosing to play golf over spending time with me." I rubbed at my temples and willed myself to remain calm. Despair threatened to derail me.

"Then I will send him a note declining his offer." He nodded at his statement as if capitulating would erase my anger at him.

"That isn't necessary. You obviously want to go." The passionate feelings I had for him faded, and I no longer wished to be near him until my temper cooled.

Chin jutted out, he stared down his nose at me, a touch of color on his cheeks. "Not if you have an issue with me going golfing."

"My issue isn't with golfing itself. You are taking my comment too literally." I ground my teeth, which caused my headache to worsen. Rex wasn't a stupid man, yet he was oblivious to anything but his own matters. "Harry and Atticus will be attending school, and Anne will be on her wedding trip. You are always gone, so where does that leave me? I don't feel needed anymore."

"Of course you are needed. You are the glue holding our family together." He offered me an encouraging smile, but I could see the worry in his eyes. "With everything happening with the children, I think you are overwhelmed."

Instead of his words comforting me, they sparked my temper brighter. I had never truly expressed my dissatisfaction with anything to do with our marriage. "Either you don't understand, or you don't wish to."

"Then explain it to me so I can help you." Rex stared at me for a long moment, the muscle in his jaw jumping. He was used to fixing problems for others. He couldn't fix what was broken inside me.

"I am not an issue for you to resolve." I wasn't sure if I wanted to cry or scream. Rex was trying his best, but he simply could not comprehend the redundancy that my life had become. He worked long hours on behalf of the country, and from what he told me, he enjoyed the tasks given to him. I never denied him his freedom to have friends outside the home, yet he was constantly volunteering to do things with his time, which he had little enough of.

"I don't know what you want from me." He threaded his fingers through his hair and shook his head. "I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

How could I tell him when I didn't truly know myself? Hopelessness nearly chocked me and I blinked back tears. He stared at me, waiting for my answer.

"I am...I am not articulating myself well, nor am I sure I can truly articulate what I am feeling." For far too long I kept my feelings to myself, and I regretted even saying anything. This was something I needed to work out for myself. Inhaling a fortifying breath, I willed my features to relax. It had been a grave mistake on my part to give voice to my dissatisfaction. "I think you might be right. I am overwhelmed. After the wedding, I am sure I will be as right as rain."

The lie lay heavy on my lips. I wanted to believe every word. Tears sprang into my eyes, and I blinked them back.

"You are unhappy?" Rex continued to watch me with an eagle eye. "It's obvious you are unhappy."

"I am not unhappy. I am simply in a mood, I suppose. You had best leave, or you will be late." The lie dropped easily from my lips. When I married Rex, I thought the entire world would always be rosy. As a married woman and a duchess, I was out from under my father's heavy thumb for the first time. Rex was nothing like my father, and I thrived under his gentle attention. He stood by me through the loss of two children in early pregnancy. I was blessed with three healthy children and I was also privileged to be born into such luxury. Even with all my blessings, I was still restless. I needed a distraction. "Will you tell Flynn that I propose we take Harry to Knutchester and meet him afterward?"

A strained silence rested between us, and I wanted him to leave so I could break down in peace.

"I will send him a message." Rex stood and moved to my side of the table. He lifted my chin with his thumb and pressed a kiss to my lips. "I love you, Eleanor."

"I know you do." I nodded and forced a smile. "I will invite the ambassador and his wife for dinner tomorrow night."

"Thank you." He caressed my mouth once more in a soft kiss of love, not passion. He lifted his head, his intense regard full of regret. "I will see you later."

"Yes, later." I held back the tears that threatened to fall. At one point, I'd begun to question my own sanity. Surely I wasn't the only person to feel this way, yet every married woman I talked to was happy with her station in life. Of course, Olivia claimed they were all lying. I wanted to believe that. Deep down inside, I wondered if something was wrong with me.

The moment Rex exited, I gathered my correspondence and left the room. Tears blurred my vision as I went to the music room, needing to play my violin and get my head into a pleasant place. No sooner did I cross the threshold than a maid entered behind me. I blinked back the tears, not wishing for anyone to see me cry.

"Lady Olivia is here to see you. Would you like me to show her in?"

"Yes, please." I nodded, satisfied I might have someone to talk to about my troubles.

I picked up my violin and sat in my usual chair by the windows, echoes of my conversation with Flynn still in my memory. This is where I agreed to our wonderful night together. Thus far I was gratified by the intimacies we had shared in the study. I still had reservations about furthering them because I was already addicted to my newfound passions. I began playing the violin, the soothing music rushing throughout my body. I kept an eye on the door, looking for Olivia. Moments later, she appeared, her waist cinched in a fashionable walking skirt and military jacket.

She smiled at me, taking off her hat as she went. "Good morning. I have excellent news for you."

"I could do with some good news." I smiled back for her benefit. Inside, my heart ached.

She instantly frowned, and taking the seat across from me, she took my hand. "Is something awry?"

I tried to keep the tears at bay and blink them back. "Rex and I had words this morning. You know, the usual challenges with any marriage." I paused, unprepared to tell her about Rex choosing a golf game over intimacies with me. It was too raw. Instead, I shared my other heartache. "I thought if I were accepted at the conservatory, I could have something of my own..." My voice broke, and I couldn't stop the flood of words from spilling from my lips. "Flynn said they only take young talent and I am no longer young, and, well, it's a moot point. I had to miss the audition."

"You told Flynn about auditioning?"

"No, we were talking about music, and he said he was on the board and I was gifted, but the academy was a place for young talent."

"Flynn is a prat. I wouldn't listen to him," Olivia said.

I shook my head, laughing through my tears. "He's right. The opportunity was lost to me a long time ago."

"It is never too late. You are a duchess. The conservatory would be thrilled to have someone who would contribute to their coffers."

"I don't wish to buy or influence my way in. If I am to be accepted, it will be on my merit or not at all." I stiffened my shoulders and shook my head. Everything inside me rebelled at being given a position simply because I was a duchess.

"Fair enough. All is not lost. That is the good news I come bearing. I made a discreet inquiry with another board member, and she told me the conservatory holds open auditions on the last day of the enrollment period."

A thrill of excitement coursed through me at the news, and my heart pounded. "That is today."

A smile lit her entire face. "It is. If you are truly serious, you will come with me now."

"Now?" I asked, panic screaming inside my head.

"Yes, now." She squeezed my fingers, her lips turned up in an encouraging smile before she tugged at my hand, forcing me to stand. "I know your family wants to see you happy, and lately, you've been miserable. I think if you want to find what incentivizes your passions again, then you need to do this for yourself."

The spark of hope flamed brighter in me, suppressing my panic.

"Before we leave, I want to assure you that you aren't alone. As women, we are taught to be mothers and wives and not follow our passions. You are a very talented violinist and composer. I have heard your original works and they rival the greats. You have a rare gift to compose such beautiful music and from your own admission, it is your greatest passion outside your family."

"My music is my salvation. I have always heard the musical notes in my mind, but a lady doesn't play except for the benefit of others during musicals or gatherings." My father's words stayed implanted in my mind. Because of his rigid opinion on what traits a lady should have, I never experienced the kinds of passions Flynn and Rex ignited in me.

"Oh pish posh. Sometimes, you need to be selfish and put your needs first. Your family takes you for granted, and you must stand up for yourself." Olivia gripped my fingers. "Time is passing. We need to leave before someone else waylays you."

While I agreed somewhat, I thought she was exaggerating a bit. My family did not take me for granted. Releasing her hand, I rushed to where I'd left my violin case and carefully laid the instrument in it. My title required me to do certain things to benefit the greater good. Hundreds of families depended on Rex, and he depended on my support on the home front. My pulse was beating so fast I was sure Olivia could see it racing. Doubts still weighed down my feet.

"Do you think I'm talented enough?" Flynn had told me I was one of the most gifted people he had ever heard. I assumed he had said that because he was my friend and he wanted to have an affair with me, which would have made his words self-serving. He hadn't truly sounded like it was about him, he was complimentary of my music, and I respected his opinion.

"You are extremely brilliant. The only thing stopping you from pursuing this is yourself."