Chapter 12: Josie

Chapter Twelve

JOSIE

T hat’s the second time Mick has been hard when I was close. Is it just a normal guy thing, or could it be something more? I peek over at him; his eyes are on the road. The car ride has been mostly quiet except for the music.

I had given in and agreed to his road trip. It was probably for the best. His place is small, and I couldn't stop thinking about how he'd caught me masturbating. I swear I went through a roller coaster of emotions in such a short time that I would have basically agreed to anything to get me out of there.

But of course I didn’t think about how a car is smaller, and there is no escape when it’s driving seventy miles an hour down the road. The more I’m around Mick, the more I can feel myself softening. My walls are coming down more than they should. He’s making me want and hope for things that I shouldn’t.

I can’t remember the last time I cried in front of someone, but I’m not embarrassed. Not with Mick. He held me close and let me get it all out. It wasn't until the floodgates opened that I realized the depth of my bottled-up emotions. I’m used to having to be strong and pretend I have everything together. The whole ‘fake it til you make it’ thing is my usual MO. Except the make it part is never happening.

“Not too much longer.” He reaches over, putting his hand on my thigh. Mick gives it a squeeze before returning it to the wheel. I wish he would have left it. Before I can think better of it, I take his hand back, keeping it in mine. His expression changes to one of surprise. I’m realizing space is the last thing I want from him right now.

“Think I’m still sappy from all the crying.” I shrug and stare out the window. Mick slides his fingers between mine, linking them together. Everything's better when he’s by my side.

“You want to talk about it?” he asks.

“There isn’t much to say.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I thought we were close. Has something changed between us?” Without realizing it, I go to pull my hand away but stop when his hold tightens. “Please don’t pull back from me.” There is a plea in his tone I don’t miss.

“You have enough going on. I know you need to stay focused.” That’s the truth. I kept my feelings as well as what was happening in my life from him because I didn’t want to burden him. I wanted at least one of us to be able to make something of themselves.

“You’re more important.”

Shit, he cannot be saying crap like that to me. I’m too weak right now. I want to crawl back into his lap and bury my face in his neck.

“You would have tried to come back when you’re supposed to be here.”

“Damn right I would have.” Mick’s words are deeper and rougher. I’m noticing that’s a change in him too. He is different, more aggressive, and standing firm. He has truly transformed from a boy to a man.

“See?” He proved my point for me.

“That’s not fair, Josie. You’d lose your damn mind if I made decisions for you. Why do you have the right to dictate what I am allowed to do?”

His question completely takes me by surprise. Mick is not wrong in this. Am I holding him to a double standard? “I just want what’s best for you,” I admit.

“What’s best for me is you.” He releases his hand from mine. I’m hurt, but I see he did it to make the turn. We’re getting off the highway.

"You'd grow to resent me." That would kill me. I’d rather let him go than be bitter toward me.

"I wouldn't," he says without hesitation.

"You can't predict the future," I say defensively.

"No, I can't, but fighting is a job, a career. My family isn’t. They’re forever.” His words are both hurtful and sweet at the same time. I should be ecstatic that he sees me as his family, but on the other hand, that puts me right back into a sister slot.

“That’s sweet.” I give him a smirk that I try to make playful even though I know I’m salty about the comment. “That you see me as a sister. You always get a boner when your sister sits in your lap?”

“The fuck, Josie!” he half-shouts. Okay, I might have taken it too far in my pettiness. “First off, that's disgusting. Second, my sister doesn’t sit in my lap. And thirdly, you’re nowhere near slotted as being my sister.”

“You just called me family,” I point out.

He shakes his head and mutters under his breath. I really should be happy he considers me family, considering I don’t have one. My mother was never around, and my father was an only child.

“What are you muttering over there?” He doesn’t respond, but I can see his hold is tight on the steering wheel. “You’re not going to tell me?” I dig a little deeper. “You want me to tell you everything, but you don’t have to do the same?”

“I said you don’t want to know why my dick is hard.”

“Oh.” I lick my lips. “I mean, guys get like that a lot. Right?” I’m definitely not an expert in dicks. Well, cocks, at least. I’ve had to deal with far too many dicks in my life.

“Don’t know about other guys' cocks.” He turns his head to glance my way when he rolls to a stop at a light. “Have you been around a lot of hard cocks, Josie?” Why does his question sound like an accusation?

“Would you care?”

“Yeah, I fucking would,” he clips.

“Well, no worries there. No cocks for me.” Might as well admit it. “Except yours. You’ve pressed it against me twice now, Mick. You’re going to start making me think it’s all for me.” Again, I try to be playful, but he doesn’t respond. In fact, now he’s gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles are turning white.

I don’t want him to be upset with me, and I really want us to enjoy LA.

“I should have told you,” I say, looking out the window so he can’t see my face. “It’s just been easier to push you away.”

“Why?” I try to find the right words that won’t ruin us. “Josie.” He places his hand on my thigh once more. I turn to face him. I know he can see the tears in my eyes.

“So that it won’t hurt more later. That if I put some space between us, when you move on with your life, I’ll be ready for it.” I finally set the truth free.

“I promise you, Josie. I’ll always be in your life,” he vows.

That might be just as bad. To see him move through life. One day getting married and having kids. Yeah, that would slowly kill me. There’s no way I could stick around and watch that happen.

Maybe this should be my goodbye. I could let go and do everything I’ve wanted with Mick on our little getaway. Then I’d have those memories. I’d hold tightly to them forever.