Chapter Twenty-Four

Right between the bouncy castle and the big top, and suspiciously close to the bar, my father and Joe's dad were bouncing around on their tiptoes, fists up in front of their faces and circling each other like they were starring in a senior citizen am-dram production of Rocky.

‘What is going on?' I demanded, every guest at the party taking a single step back to leave me, Joe, William and Sarah alone up front. Behind our dads, I saw Genevieve Salinger and Nelson Allen looking on with very guilty expressions. So, the hot book deal news was out.

‘Never mind,' I said as they both looked sheepishly away. ‘How did this happen? Where's Mum? Where's Mal?'

‘Your mum went to get the cake and the last time I saw Mal, he was holding a screaming child upside-down in the kitchen,' Sarah replied, as Gregory started hopping from side to side. ‘I didn't know what else to do.'

‘Saboteur!' Gregory yelled. ‘You stole my author!'

‘I did no such thing!' Dad yelled back. ‘I'm a huge admirer of Gen's work. I made an offer for a book and it was accepted. Don't get your knickers in a twist.'

‘Consider them well and truly knotted.' He swung at the air in front of him, completely missing my dad. ‘This was your plan all along, drag me up here to the arse end of nowhere then humiliate me in front of my son and my peers.'

‘No, Gregory, I did not plan my birthday party exclusively to put one over on you,' Dad replied archly as though it hadn't been in the back of his mind since the very first time he spoke to the Llama Glama author. ‘It's just business, old friend. Isn't that what you said to me when you poached Nelson?'

Both authors choked on their drinks and backed slowly away from the bickering twosome as everyone else drew closer.

‘You're a petty man,' Gregory said seething. ‘I don't know how you can look at yourself in a mirror.'

‘Very easily, thank you very much,' Dad replied. ‘I assume you had to get special mirrors made to accommodate the size of your head.'

‘Ignoramus!'

‘Narcissist!'

‘No, we're not doing this.' Joe jumped in between the two men as they started to scuffle, not so much boxing as exchanging awkward slaps and swipes, neither one wanting to commit to a full swing. ‘Dad, it's Hugh's birthday. Apologise.'

‘I'll do no such thing,' Gregory returned, the three of them all moving in unison, hands and arms flapping around in the most embarrassing display of violence this side of the 2022 Oscars. ‘He stole my author!'

‘You stole mine first!'

‘Take your hands off me, son.' Gregory tore off his jacket and threw it to the ground. ‘This has been a long time coming.'

‘Might take him more seriously if he didn't have massive sweat stains under his pits,' Sarah whispered as she nibbled on a tiny sausage on a stick. ‘I've got a tenner on your dad, Michael Cunningham is running a book.'

The low Motown soundtrack that had been playing quietly in the background all night suddenly became much louder as ‘Eye of the Tiger' blared out over the speakers. Beside me, William quickly closed the Spotify app on his phone.

‘What?' he said when I gave him a look. ‘I already stopped one fight, I'm not the bloody UN.'

‘And you think this one will be better?' I replied, looking at the two middle-aged men getting ready to duke it out.

‘I think the other one would've been sad,' he answered. ‘This should be a banger. They need to get it out their system.'

I crossed my arms over my chest and bit my lip. ‘Trust me, that never works like you think it will.'

‘Get your hands off Hugh!'

From out of nowhere, CJ hurled himself into the fray with a pitchy battle cry, charging directly at Joe's midsection, head down, shoulders braced, and speared him right in the stomach. Joe barely flinched as CJ bounced off him, landing flat on his arse.

‘What are you doing?' Joe said as our fathers continued to swipe at each other. ‘I'm trying to stop them fighting, I'm not part of it.'

He held out a hand to help him up but CJ slapped it away.

‘Oh look,' Sarah said as the second scuffle broke out. ‘The men are menning.'

‘The straight men,' William corrected. ‘If you don't mind.'

‘What was it you said before, you've had enough of me? I've had enough of you,' CJ declared. ‘Twatting around like you're cock of the walk. Why are you lying for her? I hope it's not to get in her knickers because, trust me, it isn't worth it.'

‘I've asked you to stop talking once, I won't ask again,' Joe replied with a growl.

But CJ didn't stop talking. His eyes sparkled with malice, thrilled to get a reaction.

‘Don't be fooled by what's in the book,' he said. ‘We were young when we first met so I'll be generous and put some of her poor performance down to inexperience but the fact of the matter is, some people are just shit in bed.'

‘That's it.' Joe wheeled around, ready to fight. ‘You tragic little weasel, I'm going to—'

‘You're going to what?!' CJ yelped. ‘You're going to what, Joseph Walsh, hit me? You can't, I'll have you fired!'

‘He's right, Joe, you can't hit him,' I said, stepping forward. ‘But I can.'

And I did.

Just once, landing my first ever punch square in the jaw. He reeled for a moment before careening backwards onto the bouncy castle, arms and legs flailing wildly.

‘That's it, CJ!' Dad cheered. ‘Someone had to be first on!'

‘See, this is why women should be in charge of things,' Sarah said. ‘Men mess around too much. We're efficient.'

‘Oh my god, it hurts so much,' I gasped, shaking out my hand as the music ratcheted up another notch.

‘Imagine how he feels.' Joe took my hand in his and kissed the throbbing knuckles in front of everyone. ‘My knight in shining armour.'

‘All right, everyone, it's time for cake!'

My mother's voice sang out across the scene as she and Charlotte emerged from the kitchen carrying her still very questionable cake, made no better for the massive number of candles she'd shoved in for effect.

‘Joe, watch out!'

William's warning came a split second too late.

CJ launched off the bouncy castle and lunged at Joe, grabbing him around the waist and spinning him in a circle. With a look of perfect surprise on his face, Joe let go of my hand as CJ dragged him away, his arms still outstretched, and before he could attempt to recover his balance, he slammed into both my dad and his. Gregory went over next, stumbling into my mother and knocking the cake clean out of her arms as the two of them rolled to the floor. The cake flew through the air, landing right at my feet, somehow managing to look no less appetising than it had on the plate. At the same time, Joe and CJ continued to scuffle, rolling around in front of the bouncy castle, Joe holding a defensive position and CJ attempting to spike him with little jabs. It was like watching a cub trying to bash in a lion, almost adorable but also entirely pointless. There was a reason Simba waited a few years to take on Scar and we were seeing it play out in real time.

‘Hugh! Gregory! Enough!' My mother's sharp voice brought both men to heel in an instant. ‘I was gone for less than five minutes.'

Dad stooped, shamefaced, picked up the cake knife and held it out to my mother as the human tumbleweed of CJ and Joe spun towards them and Dad threw himself in front of his family.

‘Watch it,' Dad yelled as Charlotte fished into her ill-gotten Chanel purse and pulled out her own non-contraband phone. ‘I've got a knife!'

It wasn't a threat so much as a warning as the tangle of limbs swallowed him whole, the three of them hurtling back towards the bouncy castle, a blur of arms and legs thumping across the bright red floor. All four turrets jostled with joy as three adult male bodies and one ceremonial cake knife ricocheted around as one. We all held our collective breath as CJ stumbled and slipped like Bambi on his way to a funeral in his skin-tight suit. Dad scrabbled to gain purchase, long having lost hold of the knife and Joe, looking more confused than anything else, stayed exactly where he was, clinging to the last shred of dignity available to these men. As ‘Eye of the Tiger' faded away, I heard the opening bars of ‘Oops I Did It Again' emanating from the speakers and an ear-splitting squeal filled the air, drowning out even Britney, followed by a loud, insistent hissing.

‘He's stabbed me!' CJ screamed at the top of his lungs. ‘He's stabbed me! I'm dying!'

But it wasn't CJ who had been skewered, it was the bouncy castle. Joe rolled away from the human dogpile first, pulling my dad out next and leaving CJ to flounder as the castle wilted around him, deflating much faster than I would have expected.

‘I'm sorry, Pandora,' Dad lamented as Joe helped him up to his feet, the bouncy castle deflating in the background. ‘We're never going to get the deposit back.'

‘At least you got to have a go.' She swooped down to pick up his top hat and placed it on his head with an affectionate pat. ‘That's what matters.'

CJ crawled out from underneath the brightly coloured PVC, unstabbed and mostly unscathed. The only thing that seemed to have suffered was the seam up the back of his very tight trousers which had split in two, and much to my and Sarah's delight, he hadn't noticed yet. He stood up with indignation on his face, a torrent of abuse on the tip of his tongue and his arse on full display.

‘You're pathetic! You're all pathetic!' he squeaked. ‘Not you, Sir Ian, but him and her and him and you!'

‘Moi?' Sarah coquettishly batted her eyelashes at CJ. ‘I'll take that as a compliment.'

‘Now, CJ, you need to calm down—' Dad started but he was already on a roll.

‘I don't even know why I bothered coming,' he cut in with a grunt. ‘A self-important, so-called critic, an editor who's so out of touch he wouldn't know a good idea if it slapped him in the face, a precocious brat who needs a good slap and William? Well, the less said about you the better.'

‘My mere existence is offensive enough, I know,' my brother said with a quick incline of the head as my mother and father watched on in shock. ‘But I really think it's time for you to shut up and piss off now, Colin.'

‘Be quiet, I'm streaming,' hissed Charlotte under her breath as she held up her phone. ‘This is gold.'

‘Or what?' CJ challenged. ‘You'll set your attack dog on me? Please, he's not going to do anything.' He looked over at Joe who bristled beside me, and above, the gathering storm clouds rumbled a warning. ‘Couldn't even hit me, had to let a girl do it for him. Or were you simply returning the favour, Soph?'

‘Colin, don't,' I said, keeping my voice cool even though I felt anything but. ‘This isn't the time or place.' I started as I felt a single solitary raindrop fall on my bare arms.

He made a show of looking around, hands held out to either side as though what I'd said made no sense. ‘Can't think of a better time or place. You've got so many fans assembled.'

‘I know I might get the sack but please can I hit him?' Joe pleaded.

‘No,' my dad replied.

‘Yes,' answered his own father.

Strutting up and down in front of the crowd, grey underpants completely on show, CJ continued crowing. ‘For the life of me, I can't work out why you're covering for her. You must be mad, even offering to put your name to a shit book that only appeals to little girls with no imagination and silly cows who lack the intelligence to understand and appreciate real writing.'

‘Performance art at its finest!' boomed William. ‘The cake's shot to shit but who fancies a Mini Milk?'

Half the guests raised their hands, people starting to shuffle away, glancing at the sky.

‘Desperate wank fantasy with no more literary merit than a till receipt.' CJ however was still going. ‘I could shit out something better. I could sneeze and come up with more impressive dialogue.'

‘But you didn't, you one-hit-wonder-wanker,' Joe interjected. ‘You wrote one very pretentious novel and you knew the right people so you got lucky. Every proposal you've sent in since has been rejected because not even someone as supportive as Hugh Taylor is prepared to put his name to them.'

‘That's not true!'

‘You write like an AI trying to impersonate Bret Easton Ellis only the AI would do a better job!' Joe shot back. ‘Sophie writes rings around you.'

‘Joe!' I exclaimed, pulling him back as more raindrops started to splash my face. ‘Don't!'

‘I'd rather publish one book and retire than have my name attached to something as vulgar and amateurish as Butterflies,' CJ wailed. ‘Hugh, Pandora, I hope you're proud of what you've raised.'

‘Sophie, before I beat him to death with the croquet mallet, what's he talking about?' Mum asked, tapping lightly on my arm.

‘Nothing,' Joe answered for me. ‘Don't listen to him.'

‘Tell her,' CJ demanded. ‘Or I will.'

Sarah squeezed my hand as William placed a protective hand on my shoulder and Joe gave me an almost imperceptible nod. Whatever happened next, at least I wouldn't be alone.

‘Joe didn't write Butterflies,' I said, turning to face my family, their friends and Gregory Brent. ‘I did.'

CJ said something, presumably even more hateful than before, but it was impossible to hear him over the crowd's collective gasp. Even Charlotte's arm fell back down by her side, livestream over.

‘Sophie?' Mum said, blinking with disbelief.

‘Este,' I corrected with a wan smile as a crack of thunder split the sky and the heavens opened. ‘I'm Este Cox.'

It was a spectacular end to a spectacular party.