TWENTY-ONE

JUST US

A kchiro

"That's all of them, Hana." My voice sounds like it's been rubbed raw although I've barely said ten words in the past hour since I saw my love slumped on the gotdamned floor of the master suite's bathroom of my yacht like a bloody ragdoll.

In the following heavy silence, I clean up all the items I pulled from the first aid kit neatly stacking the bandages, peroxide, liquid and gauze away. Despite all of the bleeding, the cuts were superficial. But damn if there weren't dozens of them. My chest squeezes at the thought. I take the kit putting it away in the bathroom that is still a mess.

Rolling my sleeves up I take the cleaning products stowed away under the cabinets and clean the floor, remove the bloody towels putting them in the bag marked for the incinerator, Flower had already gotten out in preparation of her cutting session. I curse myself a thousand times a fool wondering how many times she's done this very thing under my nose since we've been together. Is this why she's suffered from anemia so much during our relationship. How many hours of my work day are spent with her tearing her body away like this? Fear and betrayal slice through me but I press it down. It would serve nothing for me to rise against her now. She obviously hurting so much right now. My entire focus turns to my precious love lying so small and alone in bed.

I'm not a man who normally experiences fear. The last time I felt this helpless was when I found out we lost our first baby and that she'd gone through that entire ordeal alone. The first time was when my father died when I was in high school.

Now again and I vow for the last time terror eviscerates me. Shucking the blood tinged dress shirt, I added to the bag sealing it before heading back to the bed.

Coming back, I gaze at the small figure in the bed. She looks exhausted. Broken. I know without having to be told that I did this to her. This is what loving me did to her. Her eyes are guarded as she looks at me. She looks hollowed out, like all emotion has been scooped out of her and nothing's left but a husk of the woman I love.

"Hana—"

"Don't call me that," she snaps, hot anger singeing me.

I feel my brows stretch toward my hairline at the rage in her voice.

"Why are you here, Akchiro?" She demands right on top of that sentence. Then comes a flurry of accusations that hit me like little bombs of hate.

"Don't you have your Aussie bitch waiting for you at Midtown?"

"Where is my baby?"

"Why did you take my son from me?"

"Why. Are. You. Here?"

Watching her with eyes guarded as she looks at me she looks hollowed out, like all emotion has been scooped out of her and nothing's left but a husk of the woman I love.

I wonder if I should call the medic to give me something to calm her. But I know she'd never forgive me for making her give face in such a way in front of staff.

"Will you listen?" I compartmentalize everything she's hurled at me quickly shifting through the morass of her words.

She waves a nonchalant hand. I can't help the way my eyes stray to her bandaged wrist.

"May I sit?" Another careless wave. Going around the side I sit alongside her with my feet out. I can't help noticing how curled as she is that she barely reaches half of my length.

"I was always coming back." I turn just as her head snaps around to look at me. She knows I would never lie to her, so I press down my anger when I see her doubt. "Ahem," Clearing my throat, I continue swallowing back the reprimand quietly reminding myself that I put that doubt there with my treatment of her.

"I'm not sure what went on here when I left you resting—" Nothing. She is an absolute blank canvas. I can see she is barely holding it together, so I keep going. "We docked in Japan late last night. When I rose, I took Asa to Takeda Manse because I wanted to spend time in Tokyo alone with you. We've rarely spent more than day alone together since we've had our son. I know I bare responsibility for that with my work schedule and trying to migate the threat I believed my cousins presented. Now that assassination by them is no longer a concern I wanted to give us some time in the flat — Just us."

A dead heavy silence drops. Her breathing is deep and labored like she's struggling to breathe. I want to hold her but fear she may scream if I do. I don't know how to help her.

I allow the truth of my words and the conviction in them to sink in. Eventually she sighs as everything sinks in after she seemingly plays my words over and over in head several times to process.

My hand curls into fists, the longing to comfort and hold her in my arms is so great. "Patience," I tell myself. "Soon."

"Y-you weren't taking Asa from me?" Her voice sounds so small it's my undoing.

"Hana," I stop hearing the harsh incredulity in my voice. I can't very well castigate her when this is the very thing I promised I would do if she failed to give me another child.

"Iie," I shake my head. "Never. I will never take Asa or any of our children from you."

A trembling hand touches her lips. Then she casts her gaze down. Then she looks up with firm resolve. She sniffs and lifts her head looking me square in the eyes. She swallows deeply. "Midtown? I know you got that Aussie girl an apartment there."

"I didn't get the apartment for her." I slash the air between us. "I was the conduit. She wanted a protector after I let her know with no equivocation that person would never be me. I told her the requirements of what prominent businessmen expect such as good health and a clean medical record. She worked with Dr. Ito. Severance is all I provided. The apartment is a gift from her protector which I will say for the last time is not me." I try not to raise my voice, but I can't hide the edge to my voice. That she would doubt me after all this time. "Flower, even when you went to the US for a year and a half, I never fucked another woman. The fact you think I'm capable of dallying with the help is galling." I can feel the heat rising to my jawline as I hold her gaze steadily.

"Well," she sniffs, her gaze sliding from mine. "She felt way too comfortable coming to you for anything. You should not be helping her do shit. She was way too familiar with you and you with her. She said—" Waving her hand again she rests her elbow on her bent knee cupping her jaw looking away from me, despondency rolling off her in waves. Towering over her smaller form I can still see the anguish on her face — the way she swallows away a sob.

"Stupid," she whispers harshly furiously wiping tears away.

Seeing her in pain like this feels like someone one has stabbed my heart with a katana is blazing fresh from the forge.

This time I do touch her. She flinches and I draw back. "Hana, please don't talk about yourself in that manner."

She shakes her head. "I-I…" Heart wrenching sobs rack her small frame.

For the first time since I held my son when he was born. I can't take it, seeing her in so much pain is eviscerating me.

I pull her into my arms. She struggles. "Stop." I shake her a little. "Stop it. Just let me hold you, baby."

She stiffens and I prepared to release her or allow her to fight me if she needs to. Instead, she collapses against me in a soft heap her shoulders shaking as she sobs.

Soft sobs rack her body.

"Baby, please—" I cut myself off allowing her the time and space to cry. Her small shoulders shake. My t-shirt is soaked in minutes as she cries her heart out.

"Dr. Ito, told me." She whispers brokenly into my chest.

"We can try again," I try to reassure her. Silently cursing the physician, I wanted to tell her once we were in Tokyo back at our penthouse in the clouds. She's already shaking her head, "No."

I feared this that she didn't' want to try again but I won't push her. I say nothing just rub soothing circles on her back.

"She didn't make it sound like we could, Akchiro."

"Dr.Ito is not an OBGYN, Flower. She's an internist. She should have never given you that indication. We can get a second opinion." I assure her.

She visibly relaxes. I look down as she eases out of my arms and looks at me. For the first time I see the sadness flee a little. There is a bright shining hope at her edges of her sorrow now.

"Really?" her eyes. Her beautiful eyes. She fucking slays me.

"Really. Really." I press a soft kiss to her forehead.

This time it's me pulling back to cup her face. I press a soft kiss to her mouth before moving back to meet her hopeful gaze. "We have some issues to work through first. No." I give her a rough shake of my head when I see the embarrassment and shame start to cloud her face. I kiss her again soft, lingering. Drawing it out until she softens and opens for me. I delve into her mouth with a gentle insistence.

"You will not do that to yourself, Flower Takeda. It is my job to protect you, to provide for you and Asa, to give you pleasure and praise. I will stand in the gap for you now as I should have before. The way you deal with your pain is never going to be judged by me, but I will help you find better ways to express it." Little by little as she listens to my words her expression softens from embarrassment and shame to acceptance.

Finally, she nods. Swallowing she lifts her face to me and kisses me softly. Shifting she rest her back against me. I wrap my arms around her middle cupping the her tummy.

Relaxing seemingly for the first time since all this started, she says, "When I was twelve my brother's best friend Justice— DiDi's brother was murdered. That's when it started. Well, not right then but after…" she trails off lost in thought. I say nothing. I wait holding space for her grief as she remembers her friend. "He was like my big brother too. T-then, FADE and Ghadi, who took Justice's place did an opening for Big Daddy Q and they blew up. It happened so fast. Within a year we moved to New York so they could record full time. Nobody knew it was part of a protection program because FADE testified against Savalle, the kingpin who had Justice killed. Willow and I were put in separate boarding schools using Ellington instead of Carrington. That's why I used it when we first met, I always did before people knew I was the biggest rappers in the world sister." She shrugs a little in apology making me remember how I had such a hard time finding her after she used the alias when we first met.

Leaning forward I kiss her temple, not bothering to address something we have long since passed.

"Hmm. Anyway, I was still grieving and alone in an east coast elite boarding school with a bunch of wealthy kids. I had nothing like trust funds, trips to Paris and celebrity in common with. No one was outwardly mean or racists, but I was the outsider. Despite the blessing of getting this type of education and I knew how lucky I was, I started to feel like I was a kettle with a stopped spout. My chest hurt all the time. I was having panic attacks. I even fainted once. They sent me home. My parents were so worried. I was putting them through so much.

Then one day on winter break I was so pent up I made the mistake of cutting my finger. I realized the pressure eased. When I started getting too many cuts my mom remarked on it. So, I realized when you stick a pin in balloon the air releases. So, I started doing my inner thighs and cutting in places people don't notice. I didn't stop until Prosper came to school. That's how we met and became best friends. She convinced me to get some help." She shrugs. "The hardest part was telling my family, but my therapist said there was no other way to fully heal."

"And now?" I ask quietly. "Has this been a part of your life wince we've been together? When we lost the baby?"

"No." Shaking her head vehemently, she leans back to look at me. "No." she reaffirms before turning forward again.

"Not that I wasn't tempted. My family really stepped up and held me accountable. I was so broken, Akchiro." Her head dips low into her chest. "It wasn't until you came that I felt like I could breathe again. When I saw you standing at the end of the Creative Chaos boardroom, I realized I was holding my breath the whole time we were apart."

My heart craters at her words. My arms tighten around her. "I fucking love you so much, Hana. I'd die without you." Her small arms loop over mine. I feel splashes on my arms. Her shoulders shake.

"I love you, so much, Akchiro. I'm so sorry."

Bending low, I cover as much of her as I can. "Let me help you. Let me cover you, love." She nods and though I know the tears will continue for the first time I allow hope to enter the space that houses my heart.

Quietly I hold her vowing as I do that I will let no further harm – self-inflicted and definitely not from me to come to my Hana again.

"Hana, I promise we will start anew. We will go to Tokyo and begin our life. I will do this therapy with you to make sure I have the tools to help you. I will be the protector I should have been. I let my vengeance rule me for too long at the expense of our love and family for which I must hosho tsukuimasu. You and Asa will have my amends. I will be the man worthy of your trust again."

"How will I make my amends to you?" She turns to me, eyes solemn and expectant.

"You already have." I tell her cupping her nape dragging her into my lap. "You have from the moment you came on this yacht and did everything could to keep your family together." Curling into me, she brings her knees into her chest.

"What if they say we can't have another baby?" The way her hand curls into tee-shirt. I grab it covering it. "I didn't make you mine to be the mother of my children. I wanted you to be my life partner." The gruff catch in my voice and the sting in my eyes are evidence of the truth of my own words. Now it's time for my own confession. "The only reason I demanded another child was because I wanted to have reason to keep you with me. I knew you'd agree to anything to keep Asa. I used your motherhood against you. You know the type of man I am Flower. There is nothing I won't do to have you. Keep you pregnant. Kill anyone who tries to take you from me or help you. I won't apologize for it. You're mine."

Impossibly she snuggles closer. "I know and I love you no matter what. I know you are not the perfect man but you're perfect for me. You are my answer." She kisses my chest.

"You are mine, my little lotus flower."

Eventually we doze like this with me holding her, cherishing her as she deserves. As sleep stealthy moves in the terror I felt earlier doesn't fade all the way but it's manageable. I know I can handle it. I can conquer anything as long as Flower is by my side. Soon she will know that together we can face anything. I will show her that she need never hide anything from me ever again. I am her refuge as she is mine.

I know we will prevail over this just as we did our previous separation and child loss. The road ahead is long, but we will endure. Our love is not one easily vanquished.

From the moment I saw Flower having the time of her life on the nightclub's dance floor between her two taller friends dancing around her like bees to a camellia rose, I've been drawn to her. Like the flower she's so aptly name she doesn't have to do anything to have me cleave to her but exist. She is my Flower, my Hana, my wife, my forever love. My everything.

She ran.

I followed.

I always will.

It's my life's mission now to make sure she feels she never has to.