CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Ally

My stomach twists into knots as Spencer and I approach the event venue. I've been to what feels like a million public events, most of them televised, and yet tonight my palms are clammy, my neck is flushed, and I feel like if I open my mouth to speak, I might vomit.

I've only been gone for a month, but I'm different now, changed. Maybe not changed, but I've rediscovered the parts of myself that I had somehow lost in my effort to live my life for other people. Heartwood reminded me of who I am, and I'm not Ally Wells, reality TV personality, anymore. I'm not even Ally Wells, labour and delivery nurse. I'm just Ally Wells.

Being here at this event feels strange, uncomfortable. My dress is tight and restrictive, and my heels are digging in where they shouldn't. I'm here as Spencer's guest at a travel blogger event where I expect to not know anyone, and I'm hoping that people won't recognize me. There's no staying anonymous at one of these functions, but I can try my best to remain elusive. Out of the way of any cameras that might be here. If word got out that I'm back in Vancouver and Nate caught wind, avoiding him would be impossible. He would come after me.

I made a pointed effort not to check social media while I was in Heartwood. The whole point of moving there was to have a break from it all. The reality of what happened hit me like a ton of bricks as soon as I got back to the city and opened my apps. I hesitantly scrolled through Instagram, looking for any mention of my name or Nate's. It was like some form of sick, self-inflicted torture, but I decided if I was going to come back to the city, I better have some idea what I'm in for.

At first, people were highly critical of my exit from the engagement party. The comment sections were chock full of women swooning over Nate and fawning over the fact that I ‘broke his precious heart.' Precious is one way of putting it. Though, after a couple of weeks, the comments about me being ‘a selfish, callous bitch' subsided, and any slander against me was replaced with wild theories about the whole scheme being a publicity stunt. What's more entertaining than a live engagement and wedding? A live breakup.

Once I was satisfied with my recon, or self-flogging session, I set all my accounts to private, deleted over half of my followers, and deleted the apps right off of my phone. An immediate weight was lifted off my shoulders. It was liberating, being free of other people's opinions of me.

"Are you okay?" Spencer turns to me, her inquiry sincere, pulling me out of my thoughts. "We can go home if you're not ready for it." No matter how cheeky Spencer and I can be with each other, Spencer cares for me, and I appreciate her considering my feelings. I entwine my arm through hers.

"As long as we stick together, I'll be fine. It's been a while since I've been in the public eye like this." We stride up to the trendy bar, our heels clacking on the pavement. The man standing at the door recognizes us both and waves us through, not bothering to check that our names are on the list. He's the first person to recognize me. There will be more.

My skin prickles as eyes turn towards me, trailing Spencer and me as we make our way to the bar. Conversations hush around us as people watch me move through the crowd. This was a terrible idea. What the hell was I thinking? But I'm here for Spencer, and I have to face the music, eventually. I can't help but wish that it was Mason standing next to me. I could use his firm hand on the small of my back to ground me, to give me courage. I try to summon that version of myself now and fail. My hand shakes as I reach out for the drink that the bartender slid across the bar after Spencer ordered for me. God, I feel like a fish out of water. I can barely even speak.

"Ally Wells?" I spin around at the sound of my name being screeched by a woman I don't recognize as if we were old high school besties. The confusion on my face must be obvious because Spencer steps in to introduce us.

"Ally, this is Emily Harris. We connected through Instagram and have met at a few events." The way Spencer raises her eyebrows at me as she makes our introductions indicates that she and Emily aren't as buddy-buddy as she made it seem. Another clout chaser. I internally roll my eyes. I know the type well. The kind of person who would capitalize on any connection, no matter how small, to get ahead.

"It's Ally Wells in the flesh, at our little travel influencer event." Emily looks starstruck. I never considered myself a celebrity by any means, and I will not start playing the part now. Not now that I've resolved to leave that part of myself behind for good.

But that was the Heartwood Ally. Would Vancouver Ally still be so decided? Would being back in the city suck me back into the lifestyle I wanted to shake? It seems like it already has in a small way. Even agreeing to attend another publicized event is proof that I'm not as resolved in my newfound identity after all.

"Spencer is my best friend, so I'm here to support her." I emphasize ‘best friend,' hoping Emily will understand that it's an exclusive club of just the two of us. I glance over Emily's shoulder and notice a group of her friends coming over to join us. They're eager and giddy, and I have a feeling it has something to do with me. Great.

"Ladies, I was just chatting with Ally here. She's here with Spencer Sinclair." The following barrage of questions that come flying at me leaves me stunned. I feel like I'm dodging bullets left and right. They want all the details about why I left, and whether Nate and I are back together now that I'm back in the city.

"I guess I needed a break, away from all the hype," I answer. "And no, Nate and I will not be getting back together." I see their collective shoulders droop at the response, but I don't miss the glint in their eyes at the idea that Nate is now confirmed to be single. Nausea roils through my gut. I swallow down the bile rising in my throat as one of Emily's friends pipes up.

"What a clever publicity stunt, the runaway bride." The comment should offend me, that people would assume I would be so conniving. But the tone of the woman's voice makes her sound more envious than anything, and it's just kind of sad. "You must have gained so many followers on Insta now."

"I would give my left tit for a following like that." Another one of Emily's friends pipes up. I notice that yet another one of the women is holding her phone up, trying and failing to be discreet, as if she were taking pictures of me.

"Oh my God, imagine if Nate showed up here." She drops her phone back into the clutch she's carrying. "We would all be famous just for being here."

"Ally, can we take pictures with you for our stories?" Before I can respond, the tall blond is holding her phone up, readying herself to get a selfie.

"I don't really want pictures right now, sorry. I'm kind of trying to lie low since I got back." The woman pouts and gives me a sad puppy dog face that looks kind of punchable. "And for the record, Nate's a piece of shit." I try to warn them about him. While I'm doubtful that I could ever be friends with these women, I would never want one of them getting caught up with Nate. No one should endure that, no matter how many tits they would give to be with him. But the women aren't listening to me. They've already shifted their attention to someone else, some other big Instagram influencer that has walked through the door. I'm not who they want me to be anymore, a preening, attention-seeking celebrity, so they've lost interest. I would be more put off by their vapid and fickle attitude if I wasn't thoroughly relieved to not have to discuss my ex and my very public love life.

I swivel back around towards Spencer and focus intently on the drink in my hand that I'll need more of if I'm going to endure the rest of the evening.

"Uh … Ally?" I notice Spencer's eyes dart over my shoulder, to where the women are still fawning over the newcomer.

"No. Fucking. Way!" One of them shrieks with excitement, prompting me to glance back briefly, only long enough to catch a glimpse of whoever walked in. And then my head snaps back in a double take.

God, it really is like Nate can be conjured . Next time I get close enough to him, I should check to see if he has little horns peeking out of his hair. Scratch that, I never plan on getting that close to him again. I lift my hand to shield my face so I can angle myself away from him and hope that he doesn't notice me.

It's too late, he's already walking towards me. Damn this sparkly, sequin-covered dress that I wore. It makes me look like a freaking disco ball.I thought it was pretty for a night out downtown, but now I realize that I stick out like a sore thumb. A sore thumb that Nate is careening towards.

"Ally, my darling. " I shudder at the mere sound of his voice. The ice in my glass clinks as my hands tremble. Not with the same nervous jitters that I used to get around Nate. They're trembling with rage. I whirl to face him and steel my expression, refusing to give him the satisfaction of knowing how he affects me.

The words are lining up on the tip of my tongue, readying to tell him he can slink back to hell where he came from. I can't be convinced that he doesn't emerge from the netherworld when his name is said three times. How did he find out where I'd be? Spencer's bestie Emily, or one of her little girly pops, must have tipped someone off.Nate cuts me off before I can say anything, and it becomes clear why he's shown up here. The reality is worse than I could have imagined.

"Al. Baby. We've had our differences, and it hasn't always been easy for us. I'm so grateful that you came back to Vancouver for me ." People whisper around us, and I notice a camera flash out of the corner of my eye.

Fuck my life.

Nate must have noticed too, because he increases the volume of his voice so that he is audible to whoever is filming. "Thank you for giving me another chance, for giving us another chance."

I'm hardly able to make sense of the words he's saying. All I know is that they're manipulative and wrong and he's hoping that I'll be good little Ally and won't want to make a scene.

"Let's try this again, shall we?" Nate looks around at the crowd and garners some sympathetic laughter from the ones who are in on the joke. And then Nate is lowering himself. Down onto one knee. Nate is getting down on one knee. Nate is getting down on one knee and pulling a small ring box out of the breast pocket of his sport coat.My pulse quickens, and the room spins around me.

"Can we do the damn thing, Ally?" Puke. I lift my hand to my mouth to stop myself from gagging and projectile vomiting all over him.

"Absolutely … fucking not Nate." I square my shoulders to maintain my newfound confidence, but tears sting my eyes. This is all too much. I thought I walked away from this life, this drama, and I want no part of it anymore.

"Please give me another chance, Ally. I'm begging you." The glint in Nate's eyes is not loving. Not kind. Spencer approaches from behind me.

"You are a vile piece of human garbage, Nate." I spit out at him.

"Walk away, Ally. Don't give him any more of your energy." She tugs my arm and guides me away from Nate. From another public disaster of a failed engagement. I never should have agreed to come with Spencer tonight. I never should have come back to Vancouver. Heartwood gave me everything I could ever want, and I was happy there. Like truly, from the tips of my hair to the soles of my feet, down to my bones, happy. I was doing the job that I love, helping others, making a real difference. I made friends who cared about me , a community that supported each other.

Spencer links her arm through mine this time, steering me back through the crowd and out onto the bustling sidewalk, into the crisp night air.

I pull my jacket tighter around my shoulders as Spencer and I exit the bar onto the street. Fall is in full swing here, but the temperature in Vancouver doesn't drop at night the same way it did in the mountains. Still, a shiver runs through me. We wander a few blocks through the downtown core without saying a word and found a quiet spot to sit and gaze out at the calm water in Coal Harbour. I breathe in the salty evening air. We sit in silence for another couple of minutes, listening to the gentle lapping of the waves, the boats softly knocking against the docks in the marina.

"I'm so tired, Spence." I'm the first to speak once I'm ready to articulate what I'm feeling. Even so, the only word I can think of is tired . I'm weary. I've given so much of myself to something that hasn't panned out yet again. "Maybe I should give up, lie down like the doormat that I am and let people walk all over me."

"You don't mean that."

"I do. Everything has gone to shit, Spence. Where am I supposed to go from here? I had it all figured out when I left Nate. I wanted to throw up both middle fingers as I left that stupid engagement party. Fuck you, Nate ." I raise both hands, my middle fingers pointing towards the marina. It's dark and empty, except for the boats.

"Hey, fuck you too, lady!" someone shouts across the water. Oops. Maybe not empty. Spencer barks out a laugh.

"Sorry, continue," she says between giggles. But I continue like she asked.

"What do I do? I meet a guy, not just any guy either. Like an idiot, I fall for my boss and let him pull the same bullshit. He used me, just like Nate did." I shake my head, letting my words sink in. It's the first time I've spoken out loud about all that has happened in the last month. "I wish I could be the type of person who didn't care at all. Like what would happen if I put myself first for once?"

"That's fucking stupid, Ally." Spencer turns to look at me, dead in my eyes. I recoil, taken aback by her brashness. Spencer is feisty, but she rarely calls me out like this. To be fair, I'm normally not a complete fucking mess of a human being, so it tracks. The passion in Spencer's voice as she uttered the word stupid was enough to catch me off guard. I'm listening now. "The best part about you is that you care ."

Well, that's not where I expected this to go.

"The well of your heart is bottomless. You are empathetic and kind. You are intuitive. You choose to see the best in people, to give people the benefit of the doubt even when they clearly don't deserve it. People like you are so rare, so special. That's not something to shut away because you got hurt."

I blink away the tears that are collecting on my bottom lashes. I look out over the harbour; the moon is high now and shimmers, the light broken by a few ripples in the still water.

"The world is full of shitty people, Spence. It's full of people who see me as a target, someone that they can take advantage of."

"Now you're talking lies." Spencer waves the air like what I said left a stench. "Sure, there are assholes in the world. But there are a lot of good people, too. What about your friends that you made back in Heartwood? Winnie, Poppy, Grady." Spencer counts the names on her fingers. "I would bet that Mason was one of those people too; you were just too hurt to see it, and you blamed him for something that your ex did. You were looking for it, waiting for him to prove to you he was ‘just like all the other guys.'"

Spencer makes exaggerated air quotes with her fingers.

"Mason lied to me. While I poured my heart and soul into that clinic, he stood back and watched, knowing that every day I spent pouring my heart into the fundraiser that it might all be for nothing. I can't forget about that."

Spencer shakes her head. "After all this, coming back to the city, having Nate propose to you for internet fame, you still can't see it, can you?" I give Spencer a quizzical look, my brows lowering, forming a line between them. "That." She points back in the direction we came from, back towards the bar. "That is what it looks like when people use you, Ally. Mason put all his faith in you, believing that you could do what he couldn't. That's not the definition of taking advantage of someone. Sure, could he have been more honest? Yeah. Do I still want to punch him in the throat for the way he kept it from you? Of fucking course I do. But can you try to understand it? To see where Mason was coming from?"

Spencer has a point. I wouldn't forgive him that easily, but after everything that I knew and loved about Mason, I have to consider that he might not have been using me in the same way that Nate did. Not with malicious intent, anyway. "I'm not saying you should forgive him overnight, but it might help you move on if you can understand why he did the things he did."

Trying to understand isn't what I feel like doing right now, although I know Spencer is right. Even if I can't forgive Mason yet, I can admit that I've been unfair to him, knowing the pressure he was under. I try, and fail, to stifle the pain in my chest before it rips the air out of my lungs. Spencer pulls my head into her lap, and I let the tears come from all the pain and anger that have built up in me over the last few months. Longer. Over my life. For every day that I changed myself to please others.

I mourn for the girl that burned so bright for others to the point of extinguishing her own flame. It seems impossible now to accept that part of myself and find a middle ground, where I can be kind and caring without sacrificing myself. Without making compromises on my own boundaries.

I lay on Spencer's lap for a while; I'm not sure how long. I could lie here forever if it meant I didn't have to face my reality. My phone chimes in my purse, bringing me back to the present moment.

It's Winnie. I sniffle and use the back of my sleeve to wipe the tears from my cheeks, leaving them sticky and tight.

"Winnie, it's nice to hear from you." I try to make my voice sound at least somewhat more chipper than I feel. I don't care how I sound to Winnie over the phone, although I don't particularly want anyone to know that I've been sobbing into my best friend's crotch for the last ten minutes over Mason.

"We miss you, hun." God, it's good to hear Winnie's voice. It confirms for me that the last month in Heartwood wasn't a fever dream. I lived it. I met people I would never forget about, that I hope would never forget about me. "But I have a more urgent matter to talk about."

My heart thumps in my ears. Urgent is never a good word when it comes from Winnie. She's laid-back, carefree, and doesn't get her feathers ruffled over much. My gut clenches. If Winnie is calling me, she's calling about Mason. I say nothing; anything I'd say would be a waste of time, and I need to know why Winnie is calling like yesterday.

"Mason went out in the helicopter with a patient, and he hasn't called yet. He usually calls as soon as they land. There was a dreadful storm rolling in when they left. Has he called you?"

He has not called me. I'm the last person Mason would want to talk to, and I'm far from a person who he would choose to call before Winnie.

"No. Do you think he's okay?"

"I … I don't know. It isn't like him not to follow through." Winnie's voice shakes, and it doesn't help the nerves that are buzzing inside me.

"Why was he out on the helicopter in the first place? What happened?" It's also unlike Mason to be so careless. To leave the town unattended in the storm. Whatever it was must have been something awful.

"It was Susan Hendrick's boy, Charlie. You know what happened to Noah, Susan's oldest." Winnie says it as a statement. Like it's a given that Mason had shared that piece of information with me. Joke's on you, Winnie. Mason told me fuck all, apparently. "It triggered something in him. He's never been the same since Noah died, and tonight terrified him."

Noah. A memory flashes across my mind, the night at Reggie's. Mason wasn't saying no in his sleep, he was saying Noah. I couldn't place it at the time.

"I let him die." Mason had been so distraught. A child had died, and Mason blamed himself. My eyes sting again. I'm too emotional to deal with this right now. I rub the spot between my eyebrows to quell the burning in the bridge of my nose.

"Uh, okay, well, if you hear from him, will you call me right away? I'll see if I can find anything out in the meantime."

"Will do."

I click off my phone, stunned and becoming more and more anxious by the minute, speaking a mile a minute to fill Spencer in.

Spencer wastes no time scouring the internet for any news she can find about the storm. All I can do is sit next to her and bite my nails, my leg shaking involuntarily. What more can I do except hope and pray that Mason is okay, and this is all just some big misunderstanding, like he's an idiot and forgot to charge his phone or something? A thought niggles at the back of my mind. He would have found a way to call Winnie, even if he had to use a phone at the hospital.

"Here," Spencer says, turning her phone so I can see the screen. It's a post from someone in Calgary with a video attached. The sound is loud and fuzzy, the high winds in the video distorting the audio, and the image quality is poor and dark. But I can make out the outline of a helicopter wobbling in the sky. The text reads something like ‘Medi-vac heli came in for a crash landing. Hope everyone's okay.' I can only skim it before my vision goes blurry with panic.

I can't bear the thought of anything terrible happening to Mason. Not when we left things on such tenuous terms. Whatever Mason had intentionally done, or unintentionally done, it doesn't matter now. I would do anything to know that Mason is safe.

My next thought hits me like a gut punch. There's a chance that Mason isn't safe. Spencer's words clang around in my head. He believed in me, he trusted in my ability to save the clinic against all odds. He knew I would do it. I don't want to be someone who closes themselves off to love. I still want to care and love and pour my heart out. Spencer is right. It's who I am at my core. I want to be more discerning about the people I give myself to. I want to set boundaries so that I can care about and love myself, too.

Mason has some explaining to do, sure. But I hate the wall that I erected between us, the lie I told myself to protect myself—that I don't love him with every part of me.

"I have to go to Calgary." It's all I need to say to Spencer. My friend nods, understanding, and turns back to her phone to look for the next flight out of Vancouver.