CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Mason

The morning air is still fresh as I walk back to the clinic, dew still gathering on the tips of the grass. I left my truck in the drive. I thought I needed the walk to clear my head, but the time it takes to walk back over to the clinic is time I spend fixating on my interaction with Ally.

Ally is gone. My insides drop as if I have just crested the peak of a rollercoaster, and now I am plummeting toward the ground. It isn't the exciting adrenaline-filled rush, though. It is a dreadful realization that the best thing to have walked into my life in years just turned around and walked right out of it. The worst part is that this was all my doing, and I suspect I won't forgive myself for it for a long time.

The cabin will need to be cleaned and locked up now that Ally is no longer residing in it. It will be the last time I come back to the cabin for a while, I resolve. Facing the emptiness of the cabin now is a thought that causes my chest to seize. Maybe I'll sell it. It would go for a pretty penny with all the tourists flocking here looking for a vacation spot. Someone will tear it down and put a more modern home in its place. It's probably for the best. I didn't even want to look back at it as I made my way down the drive. So much for Ally turning it into a home again. The thought clangs around inside the hollow cavern of my heart.

My mind races with questions that I don't have answers to. Is Ally right? Have I just seen her as the solution to my problem? A feeling in my gut tells me no. I know enough to know that the way my heart pulls toward her, the way I yearn to be near her, is love. But I also can't say I wasn't relieved when Ally offered me a solution to a problem that had been plaguing me, that she didn't offer me a sense of relief where the clinic was concerned. Still, it had never crossed my mind to use her, to take advantage of her offer to help. I kept the information from her to protect her feelings, and instead, it was the very thing that broke her. That was my mistake. Sweet, soft Ally doesn't need protecting. She has a strength within her that is subtle, but steadfast. Easy to underestimate but fierce if you take the time to appreciate it. Ally is strong because of her gentle, kind nature. Not despite it.

I gaze up at the sky, where the sun is just beginning to rise, painting the horizon with streaks of golden light. At this moment, I can't shake the feeling that a significant chapter in my life is ending. Not just Ally, but the clinic as well. It's like the dawn of a new day is also signalling the end of these important parts of my life. The uncertainty of the future weighs on me, and I can't help but fear that my sky will remain cloudy for a while. Without Ally, my life feels as shadowed as a misty morning, with no sunlight piercing through the haze.

I round the corner onto the main road, the clinic coming into view. It's late enough in the morning now that the sun has risen above the treetops, illuminating the front of the building. And the woman that I am least eager to see waiting here for me.

Simone shifts on her feet in the soft morning light. Sometime between the festival and now, she has changed back into her stuffy-looking pantsuit. She has her back turned to me, and she's holding her hand cupped around her face, peering through the glass door into the clinic. She's been here less than two weeks, and she's already figured out that I spend every waking minute in this goddamned building. This is the first impression that I give, apparently. Workaholic. No wonder Ally didn't feel appreciated or wanted.

Seeing Simone here now makes my already foul mood escalate into something almost feral. Whatever gratitude I felt towards her earlier is gone. She isn't responsible for Ally leaving, I know, but had she never shown up here, I might have been able to fix my mess with Ally before it escalated to this point. I growl beneath my breath, stuffing it down and plastering a smile on my face to replace the sneer. If I still have a sliver of a chance at saving the clinic, I won't ruin it now by being a dick.

"Can I help you?" I say in my most chipper tone, although it's fake, and the sound reminds me of the dickwad, Nate. Simone whirls around to face me.

"Just the man I was looking for. I'm on my way back to Calgary, so I thought I would stop by on the off chance you'd be here."

"There's a good chance I'm here, but I had some business to attend to." Business that makes my heart feel like it's shattering into thousands of shards, never to be repaired again. Get a hold of yourself, I scold myself. I am not this person. I am not the person who wallows. I compartmentalize. I tuck my feelings into tidy boxes. It was how I got through middle school after my mom died without completely losing it. It was how I got through high school when I became the man of the household without ever signing up for the role. It was how I got through the last year as I took over a failing practice and failed along with it when Noah died.

"I wanted to congratulate you on the success of the fundraiser yesterday. Even though it came to an abrupt and traumatic end. Please send my best to …" Simone's voice trails off, waiting for me to fill in the blank.

"Allan. Allan Green," I say, and she smiles. It's as warm a smile as she's capable of, probably. Government android. I shouldn't say that. Simone is giving this place a chance. Besides, I appreciate her effort. It's a smile that says she's secretly rooting for me, for the clinic, despite her job description and requirement to remain neutral and objective.

"Yes, Allan. I hope he'll be okay." She sounds almost robotic. Maybe she is a government android. I wouldn't feel so bad about passing judgment. "At any rate, between the fundraiser drawing such a crowd, and the … incident, I think I have a fairly convincing report. In your favour, of course."

"I wish I could take credit, but the Harvest Festival wasn't my idea. Neither was the prenatal program. I was just along for the ride." I can't bring myself to utter Ally's name for fear that it will make me break, and looking weak is the last thing I need in front of Simone.

"Well, it was a great success. I think I have a lot of evidence to include in my report that will be very favourable for the clinic. You should have a decision by the end of next week."

My mouth tightens into a thin smile, the corners barely lifted. I'm grateful for all that Simone has done. She didn't have to come all the way out here. She could have written the clinic off and never given it a second look. But I also know that without Ally here to enjoy this with me, the victory is meaningless. Somehow, the very thing I have been working so hard for this whole time just feels empty without her to share it with.

The clinic has a chance of survival. But without Ally, where does that leave me? I will resume my life as it was. I'll go back to sleeping in my office, trying to keep up with my patients, my house calls, and my pager. I will pick up my life exactly where I left off, barely keeping my head above water.

I fight the sinking feeling in my chest, but it overtakes me anyway. Life won't be the same now. Not now that I've had Ally in it. The moment I opened my heart to her, bared my soul to her, I changed. She took the vulnerable pieces I gave her and handled them with care, and my DNA was altered in a permanent way. I've experienced what it was like, no matter how much I tried to shut it out and reject it, to have a partner to face the hardships of this career with. Someone to shoulder even a small part of the burden. Someone to comfort me when the traumas of this job come back to haunt me in my dreams. Someone to laugh with, to share even a sliver of joy with. I've experienced life with Ally, and now I want nothing less.