Chapter Eighteen

WINTER brEAK, DAY 1

hayes6834:so is it too early to talk about finals

pomerene1765:no content warning? just jumping right in?

hayes6834:hmm. that bad?

pomerene1765:not as bad as I thought but…we'll see. I've only gotten one score back.

hayes6834:and?

pomerene1765:surprisingly…good

WINTER brEAK, DAY 1

ME:

Thanks for the study guide

THREE:

You're giving me nothing? Not even a pass/fail?

ME:

I got a B

So. I passed.

Because of you

I hope you know how annoying that is to me

You already said thank you so I'll just pretend I didn't read the rest of that

WINTER brEAK, DAY 4

pomerene1765:well I knew it was coming but the inevitable parental breakdown has arrived

hayes6834:?

pomerene1765:I had a fight with my parents

pomerene1765:well, not so much a fight…

hayes6834:an airing of grievances?

pomerene1765:yes exactly

hayes6834:we do that all the time at my house

hayes6834: was it a specific grievance?

pomerene1765:yeah it's been festering. they sort of left me on thanksgiving

pomerene1765:they're super into fantasy stuff like lord of the rings, game of thrones, and all that. there was a convention thanksgiving weekend and they went

hayes6834:you said you had a good thanksgiving though

pomerene1765:yeah that was a different reason. I stayed on campus but there were some bright spots.

hayes6834:you weren't alone?

hayes6834:long silence…

pomerene1765:sorry

hayes6834:you know there's no pressure here right? if there's someone you like

hayes6834:you said you don't want to meet. we can't really go anywhere from here

pomerene1765:I'm just thinking

hayes6834:it's winter break. you don't need to think about anything

WINTER brEAK, DAY 4

hayes6834:recovering from the parental breakdown?

pomerene1765:yeah…we're watching a movie

pomerene1765:lord of the rings extended edition. it's kind of our thing.

hayes6834: you okay?

pomerene1765:I'm getting there. I think they understood where I was coming from. they definitely felt bad and they apologized, so that was nice

pomerene1765:thanks for checking on me

hayes6834:that's what I'm here for

pomerene1765:I'd send a heart but that feels cheesy. and also there are no hearts on this app which feels weird for an app intended for dating, right?

pomerene1765:heart

pomerene1765:pretend you didn't see that

hayes6834:you can't take it back now

pomerene1765:god that's embarrassing

hayes6834:I won't mention it

hayes6834:but same

WINTER brEAK, DAY 8

pomerene1765:so are you ever going to tell me how you did on YOUR finals?

hayes6834:lol I did fine

pomerene1765:you're on the dean's list aren't you

pomerene1765:extremely long silence says yes

hayes6834:listen. not doing well really isn't an option for me

pomerene1765:so that's where your bad boy persona comes from. the expectations that run your life

hayes6834:dr. pom with the analysis

hayes6834: you're probably right

pomerene1765:I don't get tired of hearing that so feel free to say it whenever you want

WINTER brEAK, DAY 10

pomerene1765:merry christmas!

hayes6834:merry christmas

hayes6834:how's your day?

pomerene1765:good! how's yours?

hayes6834:get anything good?

pomerene1765:I will pretend I didn't notice the deflection

pomerene1765:I got a new computer. which is like a very big deal because I had my dad's old work computer for a really long time

hayes6834:what does your dad do?

pomerene1765:ah that's a trick question.

hayes6834:interesting

pomerene1765:my parents work at the renaissance faire. it's their dream job. but they also have boring day jobs that pay for our house and stuff. he works in an accounting department for a construction company and she does HR for…wait for it…a competing construction company.

hayes6834:a little competition keeps the romance alive

pomerene1765:I'm throwing up

pomerene1765:did you get anything good?

hayes6834:yeah I was the sibling that didn't get in a fight with my parents this year

hayes6834: a gift for us all

pomerene1765:geez. I'm sorry.

hayes6834:don't be. I got to eat breakfast in peace. it's a christmas miracle.

WINTER brEAK, DAY 12

hayes6834:my turn for a total parental breakdown

hayes6834:and it's not a competition or anything but I AM considering moving to a remote island in the pacific never to be heard from again

pomerene1765:does the remote island have wifi?

hayes6834:obviously. how would we talk if it didn't?

pomerene1765:glad to know I'm invited

hayes6834:you could come in person but you don't want to meet.

hayes6834:sorry. I take that back. I'm not trying to pressure you

pomerene1765:you really want to meet?

hayes6834:I wanted to meet from the start

hayes6834:is it something about me?

pomerene1765:definitely not. it's about me.

hayes6834:what are you worried about? I already like you

pomerene1765:yeah that's the problem. I like you too.

hayes6834:that sounds like the opposite of a problem. most people would call that a success.

pomerene1765:I'm worried you won't like me once we meet.

pomerene1765: I've been thinking about it a lot. and about who you are.

hayes6834:me too

pomerene1765:but if we met and you were disappointed, I don't think I'd recover

hayes6834:you know it could very easily be the other way around

hayes6834:what if we meet and you're disgusted by me?

pomerene1765:that would never happen

hayes6834:I could never be disappointed by you

pomerene1765:you don't know what I look like

hayes6834:I know what you feel like

hayes6834:I've known it since we started talking

pomerene1765:oh, was it my well thought out answer to the BO question?

hayes6834:don't fight with me right now

hayes6834:I'm telling you I like you. so whatever you're worried about, don't.

WINTER brEAK, DAY 16

pomerene1765:did you ever work things out with your parents?

pomerene1765:you never really said what happened. and I'm sorry if I'm being nosy, but I didn't want to go into the new year without saying something. I think you should start next year with a clean slate. and if you can do that by talking to me about whatever is going on, I want to be here for you.

pomerene1765: I'm always here for you but I especially want to be now

hayes6834:have you been drinking?

pomerene1765:hayes

hayes6834:that's not my name so it doesn't really have the same effect

pomerene1765:no I'm not drinking

hayes6834:you really don't need to worry about me

pomerene1765:for some reason I don't believe that

hayes6834:it's just complicated. my parents have given me a really good life but they expect a lot from me in return. I started to get off this path they have me on and couldn't make it happen because it's hard to disappoint your parents. then my girlfriend dumped me this summer because I was "regressing" which she was probably right to do and now idk. I keep getting brave but can't seem to get a grip on it and every plan I've come up with to fix it has either fizzled out or imploded completely.

pomerene1765:I'm sorry

hayes6834:don't be. I'm not sad about it.

pomerene1765:you don't seem sad. you seem angry.

hayes6834:great

hayes6834:I'm not angry

pomerene1765:there's nothing wrong with it. it's no worse emotion than any other. people think they aren't allowed to be angry because it's ugly, but anger is just like the rest. you can't go through life without feeling it.

hayes6834: that's not what it is. I'm disappointed in myself.

pomerene1765:do you ever think you're being hard on yourself?

hayes6834:I don't think I'm being hard enough on myself actually

pomerene1765:I find that very hard to believe

hayes6834:well to be honest, you don't even know me

pomerene1765:wow.

pomerene1765:ok.

hayes6834:hold on

pomerene1765:no that's great

hayes6834:that's not what I meant

hayes6834:I just meant you don't really know what I'm like outside of this

hayes6834:I'm not explaining myself well

hayes6834:can we start this conversation over?

hayes6834:pom?

WINTER brEAK, DAY 17

hayes6834:happy new year

hayes6834:okay so that was a shitty thing to say and it's not even what I meant. I think you know me better than most people, but it's hard to be who I am with you outside of this. that's the thing I'm struggling with. my parents expect me to be someone I don't want to be anymore. they want me at school, having the perfect college experience, with perfect grades and the right clubs and parties but not too many or too much and idk. I keep doing everything they ask and even the things they don't ask and it's never enough. I fucking played kickball just so my dad would feel like I was participating in something and then I had to hear it from my mom about how a tournament before finals week was irresponsible. and I know as soon as I try to do what I really want it'll be a brand new fresh hell with them.

pomerene1765:like quit school?

hayes6834:thank god

pomerene1765:??

hayes6834:I thought I lost you there

pomerene1765:you didn't lose me.

pomerene1765:I put myself in time out.

hayes6834:because I upset you? call me an asshole when I'm being an asshole. I can take it.

pomerene1765:ok

pomerene1765:you were being an asshole

hayes6834:I know. I'm sorry

pomerene1765:thank you

hayes6834:and you were right. I am a little angry. and I don't like it.

pomerene1765:well when you feel angry, you can just tell me. I'll talk to you about it.

pomerene1765:that's what I was trying to say

hayes6834: thank you

pomerene1765:happy new year

WINTER brEAK, DAY 17

pomerene1765:kickball?

pomerene1765:the weekend before finals?

hayes6834:yeah?

pomerene1765:were there a lot of kickball tournaments that weekend?

pomerene1765:like is kickball a big thing and I didn't realize?

hayes6834:where are you going with this?

pomerene1765:I went to a kickball tournament the weekend before finals

hayes6834:risky statement from someone who doesn't want to meet

pomerene1765:maybe I do

hayes6834:for real?

pomerene1765:do you ever wonder if we already have?

hayes6834:let's save that question for later

pomerene1765:why??

hayes6834:because I don't want to answer it if you don't want to meet. call it risk management.

WINTER brEAK, DAY 23

pomerene1765:you're not really moving to a remote island in the pacific, right?

hayes6834: it's still under consideration. why?

pomerene1765:just want to make sure

pomerene1765:see you at school

hayes6834:SEE you?

pomerene1765:maybe

hayes6834:maybe

hayes6834:I'll take it