Chapter 32

I didn't understand what William meant when he described the torture of purgatory until I had to wait for the jury to finish their deliberations. They carried on their discussions even as Kelsey lay dead, her body dissected by experts and the police questioning suspects.

I began to pack my bags, throwing shirts into suitcases in between episodes of home renovation shows on TV. Somehow, I'd acquired more things during my time in Georgia even though I couldn't remember going shopping. Life was like that, stuff piling up all around whether I wanted it to or not.

In between fits of packing, I did Jill's workout videos and took long showers. It was like waiting for a boy to call me back. They never called while I sat staring at my phone. They could always sense my desperation. No, I needed to be engaged in other activities. A watched pot never boils and a rushed jury never reaches a verdict.

I was wearing my Screaming Seals T-shirt and eating Cheetos, lazily scrolling the forum, when they announced that the jury had reached a verdict. I screamed and jumped out of bed, scattering Cheeto crumbs behind me.

I dressed like William had received the death penalty and I was the last meal. I wore the uncomfortable bra that made my boobs look nice, a dress that barely passed the standards of courtroom attire, and heels that required I bring a second pair of shoes so that I could drive. Whether or not William was convicted had nothing to do with me. It was about the lawyers, the jurors, the judge, and more than anything it was about the women. And yet, I struggled to separate the verdict from myself. Though the dress I wore, my eyeshadow, my hair, couldn't change the outcome of the event, I dressed like they could. I wanted to be more than a footnote in the saga of William Thompson. At the very least, I wanted a chapter dedicated to me in the inevitable tell-all released to the public.

The courtroom was buzzing like a chorus of cicadas just before sunset. Jill's sister was already crying. Her eyes were red and her face hollow.

"She almost looks too thin," Dotty remarked to me.

I doubted that there was any result that could make things right for her. No matter what, her sister would always be dead.

Tripp was surrounded by Anna Leigh's friends. I'd heard rumors that he'd begun hooking up with her best friend, but the rumors were unsubstantiated. Regardless of whether it was true or not, I was in no place to judge.

Anna Leigh's parents bent their heads down in prayer, while Emma's mom clutched a handkerchief like she was attempting to rip it in half. We were a roomful of people who didn't know how to live inside their skin.

William looked as William always looked—handsome, with a tinge of anxiety. I recalled what Bentley had said, that William was a man with two faces, one of a regular man and one of a monster. I stared at the back of his head with the knowledge that it was the last time I'd ever have that particular view. I always struggled with endings, never accepting that something was over until it was really over, and this occasion was no different. I couldn't imagine my life without William—or perhaps it was more that I couldn't imagine my life without the trial, the forums, the letters tucked in my mailbox.

I fantasized about approaching William. Rising out of my seat real casually, so that no one would know what I was doing until it was too late and then, when I got close enough, I would break into a run. William would stand to embrace me, his breath minty and sweet. There would be a moment of euphoria followed by an explosion of pain in my spine as I was shot down by the police officers who lined the courtroom. I would fall to the floor. William would cry out, "Hannah! Hannah!" and my last memories would be of my name on his lips. Paramedics would rush to my side, but it would be too late. I would already be gone.

The vision was romantic. The way that Bella in Twilight spent the entirety of the second book trying to throw herself off cliffs for the merest glimpse of Edward. It was possible that I had no idea what love was.

"What do you think William smells like?" I asked.

"What?" Dotty replied.

"I think he smells like one of those manly candles—you know, like pine and cigars," Lauren said.

My foot tapped on the ground. I knew it was annoying, but I couldn't make myself stop. I wouldn't have been surprised to open my mouth and have a trail of bees emerge.

I looked at Bentley. He held Virginia's hand, his posture relaxed. I thought about our kiss and then I deliberately didn't think about our kiss. Bentley was nothing, an aside in the love story of William and me.

Mark and Cindy looked tight, like they were having a contest to see who could hold their breath the longest. Mark, who'd maintained his certainty that William would get off, wore a sour expression that indicated that perhaps he wasn't as certain as he made himself out to be.

None of the friends who supported them outside of the courtroom were present. They could privately support the family of an accused serial killer, but it was a step too far to be asked to do it in public. My willingness to debase myself for William meant that I loved him more than people he'd known his entire life.

The judge called the court to order. Extreme silence either indicated that nothing at all was happening or everything was, and that's what happened in the courtroom when the judge banged her gavel, as we all simultaneously held our breath and left our bodies.

Please,the voice in my head murmured.

Please, please, please, please.

I wasn't sure what I was asking for, whether I wanted him to go free or merely survive.

It was difficult to parse the individual words the jury foreman was saying, like reading an academic text only to discover in the conclusion that I hadn't understood it at all. The law was a language, one that I couldn't hope to know.

Finally, she uttered the words that we'd all been waiting for.

Not guilty.

And again.

Not guilty.

Not guilty.

Not guilty.

There were gasps from the crowd. Someone was audibly sobbing. Was it me? William hugged his lawyers. Mark pumped his hands in the air like his favorite football team had just scored a touchdown. The action was inappropriate, but also fitting. Bentley and Virginia stayed seated, their postures unchanged from before the announcement. I looked at my friends beside me. There were tears falling down Lauren's cheeks and she held Dotty's hand, as she was also crying.

Jill's sister's body was contorted in grief. She bent her bones in sorrow as Emma's friends wrapped their arms around her. People were shouting. I wasn't sure if they were incoherent syllables or if I'd lost my capacity to understand words.

My heart was pounding so fast that my fingers were numb. I realized that I'd never totally considered this as an option. There was a clear-cut script for what was supposed to happen. William was supposed to have been found guilty and I would go back to my life. I would continue to write him for a few weeks or months until I found a new hobby, a boyfriend whose corporal form could be close to mine.

"Well, what happens now?" Dotty said.

"I have no idea," I replied.