30. Hadley

30

HADLEY

H adley stepped out of the dining hall and savored the first breath of sweet, fresh air. A cool wind had the skin on the back of her neck prickling in the twilight. The days were growing warmer, and the lingering snow was melting in the shaded areas of the parking lot.

She took her time strolling over to Mr. Chambers's porch. Gage would be pulling up any second to pick her up. She hadn't told him where she was planning to take them tonight, but she didn't have any doubt he'd enjoy the spot she'd chosen.

A few of her friends laughed as they walked out of the dining hall. They got into their trucks and drove off, but Ridge's truck slowed in front of the porch where Hadley sat.

The passenger window lowered, and Cheyenne rested her arm on the door. "You okay? "

"Yeah. Just waiting for Gage."

A flutter rustled through her middle at the mere thought of him. Surely, that would go away soon, right? So far, her visceral reactions to Gage were only growing stronger.

Cheyenne smiled, but the expression was reserved. After dealing with her own conflict with someone who wasn't afraid to use violence to get his way, Hadley's sister kept her guard up. "Everything going good between you two?"

"Pretty good."

Hadley's response wasn't a brush-off. She was always open with Cheyenne, but they did their talking in private places. The short and sweet answer accomplished its goal to give her sister a quick update.

"See you tomorrow. Love you!"

"Love you too!" Hadley shouted back as the truck started moving again.

The door behind her creaked, and Mr. Chambers stepped out onto the porch.

"Hey, I was just waiting here for Gage," Hadley said as she stood.

Mr. Chambers gestured for her to sit back down and lifted his cup of coffee. "Want some? I have a fresh pot brewed."

"Thanks, but I'd like to sleep tonight," Hadley said as she lowered herself back into the seat .

"Sleep is for the weak," Mr. Chambers said as he looked out at the hills leading to the stables. "How are you?"

"Great. My shoulder is much better."

"Good to hear. How about your mama?"

"She's good too. Cheyenne's dad is helping out so much. He got her into an amazing facility, and she seems really happy. I definitely don't worry about her as much."

"I'm happy to hear that. You need anything?"

Hadley pressed her lips together and considered his question. People rarely just asked her if she needed anything, and it was even more rare that they meant it. "I don't think so. I'm pretty happy."

Mr. Chambers rested his hand on her shoulder and squeezed. "I'm proud of you. Give me a holler if anything comes up."

"Thank you." Hadley turned her head away to blink back the moisture in her eyes. She'd lived through many times when she desperately needed help, and it was freeing to realize she'd found rest in a place where she was content. On top of that, she had a very real lifeline in the event things took a turn for the worst.

"Tell Gage I said hello," Mr. Chambers said as he stepped back inside the house.

Hadley rested her elbows on her knees and said a silent prayer. The Lord knew exactly what He was doing and seemed to constantly be leading her in the right direction.

Gravel crunched under tires, and Hadley lifted her head. Gage's truck was headed her way, and she stood. As soon as the truck was parked, he opened the door and stepped out.

Desperate to be near him, she met him in front of the truck and fell into his embrace. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she met him with a slow, deliberate kiss that had her toes curling.

Gage pulled back and brushed her hair from her face. "Hey, sunshine."

Oh goodness. There went the butterflies again. "Hey. How was your day?"

"Good. Better now." He pressed another quick kiss to her lips before grabbing her hand and leading her to the passenger side. "Where are we going?"

"The archery range. I worked there today getting things cleaned up and ready for the season, and I forgot how peaceful it is out there."

"They have an archery range? Is there anything this ranch doesn't have?"

"A pool."

Gage opened the door and stepped to the side for her to get in.

"Why would you need a pool?"

"You'd be surprised how many complaints we get about it," she said as she hopped into the seat .

Gage shook his head and shut the door before walking around to the other side. The sun was completely hidden behind the tree line now, and a blanket of darkness spread over the hills of the ranch.

Once he was settled and shifted into reverse, Hadley scooted over closer to him. "How are things at the garage?"

"Pretty good. Jacob is still working on the Porsche. That kid has some serious determination."

"And an incredible work ethic for an eleven-year-old. I couldn't believe he was that young when I met him."

"I know. He works harder than most adults. Until a few months ago, I would have said I don't like kids, but that one is pretty awesome."

Hadley laughed. "My job is to entertain kids all day."

Gage shivered. "I don't know how you do it. Kids are like wild animals."

"That they are. There's never a dull moment." She pointed toward the path leading to the right and chewed on the question hanging on the tip of her tongue. "So, does that mean you don't want kids?"

Gage glanced at her, but his expression was soft. "I haven't given it much thought lately. I decided a long time ago I didn't want to bring another Howard into the world."

"But that's not a curse anymore," Hadley said .

He reached for her hand and squeezed it gently. "I'm starting to believe that."

"Good," Hadley whispered. She almost choked on the word.

"What about you? You want kids?"

She took her own time mulling over her answer. "I think I do. I love kids."

Gage brushed his thumb over her hand. "I have a feeling you have more to say."

"I do, but…"

"But you're only twenty years old, and you have plenty of time to make those decisions?" Gage supplied.

"Yes. That."

Wow. There was a peace in being understood, especially when it came to making decisions about marriage and babies. Society made it seem like she wasn't a family woman if she didn't spend her young adult years trying to secure those things, but she was still trying to figure out herself. She wasn't ready to create a family yet.

As if sensing she didn't have much else to say on the topic, Gage asked, "Did you know Lyric is trying to officially adopt Jacob?"

"Really? That's awesome."

"Not that Jacob is lacking any support. That kid makes best friends with everyone he meets."

Hadley met Asa's new wife, Lyric, a few times at the garage, and if Gage hadn't told her Lyric wasn't Jacob's biological mother, Hadley wouldn't have been the wiser. It was clear those two loved each other, and watching them together made Hadley long for that old relationship she'd had with her own mom.

Don't. Being jealous doesn't help anything.

"I think that's amazing. I love it when people who have no blood relation want to bind themselves to each other. Marriage and adoption have always seemed like those unattainable desires for me. My mom was great, and I love her to pieces. But I could never figure out if I should be wanting a stepdad or being grateful that I didn't have a bad one still around."

"I would have been happy not to have a bad one. It sucked." He squeezed her hand. "But I wish you'd had a good one. I can't imagine…"

Gage's jaw tensed, and his nostrils flared slightly. The change was almost imperceptible in the dimming evening light, but she noticed.

"Can't imagine what?" Hadley asked.

"I just hate that you had to go through that. I don't like thinking of you as a kid–or even a woman–being mistreated. Or that someone might have made you question how amazing you are."

Each kind word hit her in the chest like a freight train, but Gage's words were empowering, not destructive. She pointed out the next turn as Gage slowly drove down the path. "I've never admitted this to anyone, and I know my mom is still here, and I should be grateful, but I… I feel like an orphan sometimes."

Gage lifted her hand and pressed a kiss to it. "I'm sorry. You do so much for your mom, and everything you've told me about her says she's a great woman."

"I know. And she's still the same sometimes. When things go wrong, I just feel like I'm losing her all over again."

"But you're not alone," Gage reminded her. "I'm here if you ever want to talk. I'll go with you if you need help. I'll stand beside you if that's what you need. Anything. You name it."

Wow. Gage was really crumbling all of her walls tonight. His willingness to support her was more than she needed. "Thank you. I really appreciate that. And I hope you know I'd be happy to do the same for you."

Gage chuckled. "You already have. You helped Thea and Emerson, not to mention all you do for me. You're already everything I need and more."

The faceless words from the past tried to snake their way around her throat, but they didn't gain purchase this time.

Worthless? That one didn't cut to the quick anymore.

Shut up? That wasn't a command she obeyed these days. Not after seeing Gage's eyes light up every time she encouraged him.

Stupid? No, she wasn't. She had the Holy Spirit now, and she knew how to take directions with the Lord on her side.

The wounds from those old words might not be completely healed, but at this rate, there was a chance they'd disappear altogether one day.

"Plus, you're never alone. You have a ton of people here who care about you. I bet you could call anyone on this ranch, and they'd stop what they were doing to help you. And I bet Mr. Chambers is like the dad you never had."

That man had single-handedly changed Hadley's life. He'd given her a home, he'd guided her toward the Lord, and now he was taking Gage along that same path. The man never gave up, and he never looked at Gage as if the sins of his past were written on his face.

"How are things going with him?" she asked.

"Great actually. He's giving me parts of the Bible to read every day, then he lets me ask questions. It's confusing, but I think I'm getting used to it. No one ever told me the Bible was so…"

"Interesting?" she offered.

"Yeah, and historical. I've done some digging on a few of the stories, and there's some pretty strong evidence to link the events in the Bible to other written history. "

Hadley gaped at Gage until he glanced at her.

"What?" he asked, dividing his attention between her and the path ahead.

Hadley gulped down her shock. "Nothing."

Nothing at all. Just marveling at the new level of attractiveness that she'd now be referring to as studious Gage.

"I need something to do in all my free time. Turns out, I can actually have a full-time job, manage a part-time job, spend time with you and Mr. Chambers, and still have time leftover, now that I'm not running around doing Bruce and Tommy's dirty work."

"That's awesome. The perks of being a law-abiding citizen."

Gage chuckled. "I can't believe we're joking about this. I can't believe you gave me two seconds of your time."

Hadley rested her head on his shoulder. "You're worth it."

Gage swallowed hard. "Mr. and Mrs. Benson asked me to help out with a few jobs on the ranch next week. I might not have a lot of free time."

"That's okay. I can't have all of your time."

Despite her rational response, she wanted to groan. She was getting used to spending so much time with him.

"But I'd rather be with you," Gage said as he leaned in to rest his cheek on her head .

The darkness hid her smile, and she pointed to the path leading to her cabin. "We need to stop by my place first."

Gage took the path and parked in front of her cabin. She jumped out of the truck with a promise she'd be right back. Grabbing the blankets and pillows from the couch, she arched her back slightly to balance the tall tower she carried as she walked back outside.

Gage met her on the porch and took the load from her. "I would have helped you."

"Thanks. I didn't realize how cumbersome the pile was until I was trying to carry it."

"Are we going camping or something?" Gage asked as he put the pile in the truck bed.

"Close. What do you think about stargazing?"

Gage shrugged as he settled in behind the wheel again. "Don't know. I've never done it before."

"You've never just looked up at the stars at night?"

"Nope. I mean, I've been outside at night a lot, but I was mostly in the woods or trying not to be seen. Those aren't exactly prime stargazing locations."

Hadley pointed to the path coming up, and Gage took the road leading to the archery range. Not only had his life been dictated by others, but he'd missed out on some of the best things in life. Fishing, stargazing, hanging out with friends. Her childhood wasn't all roses, but at least she'd had the luxury of being a kid.

The dense forest opened into a wide meadow. The small sliver of moon cast a hazy glow over the plain, and the shadows from the trees stretched over half the area.

Gage leaned forward until his chest almost touched the wheel. "This place is nice."

"I haven't been anywhere on this ranch that isn't beautiful."

Gage parked in the middle of the range and shut off the truck. Hadley reached for the door just as a warning flashed through her thoughts. There were lots of predators that came out at night.

"Don't worry." He reached behind the seat and pulled out a pistol. "You're safe with me."

Well, these were crazy times. Her date had a gun, and she was oddly comforted by the presence of the weapon.

She got out and met him at the back of the truck where he lowered the tailgate. Gage grabbed her waist and hoisted her up before she realized she was being lifted. Her bottom landed on the cool metal, and she wrapped her arms around his neck before he could pull away.

Gage stepped closer. The chill of the night tingled the skin of her neck around the collar of her hoodie, but a welcoming heat radiated from Gage. His hands slid around her waist to her back, and he tugged her closer until there wasn't any space left between them.

Her hands roamed up the back of his neck and into his short hair as his lips found hers in the darkness. Pressing her closer to him, he took his time kissing her slowly and tenderly until her heartbeat raced and her lungs were sore.

She wanted more–ached for more of this. She wanted–

Hadley untangled her hands from his hair and pushed against his shoulders, abruptly ending the kiss.

"Everything okay?" Gage asked low.

Gasping for breath, Hadley rested a hand on her chest. "I'm not sure. Um, I think there's something we need to talk about."

He rested his hands on her hips. There wasn't any of the tension from just moments ago, and for that she was thankful. "Anything."

She allowed herself two deep breaths before the truth came out. "I love being with you and kissing you, but… we can't do the hanky-panky."

As soon as she said the words, she wanted to stuff them back in her mouth.

Gage let a single chuckle escape as he tried to rein in a reaction. "Did you just call it hanky-panky?"

"Yes, and I already regret it." She waved a hand in front of her face. "I'm twenty, not twelve. Can we forget I called it that? "

"Nope."

"Gage, I'm serious. We can't have sex."

"Of course not. Why would we ever do the hanky-panky?"

Her palms turned clammy despite the cold weather, and she brushed them on her jeans. "Because I'm saving myself for marriage."

Gage stilled, and all of the joking humor died. He held up a hand between them. "Wait a minute. I need to tell you something."

Wow. This conversation was going downhill fast. The topic of sex hadn't been an issue in any of her short relationships. Her face was warm, and thankfully, the darkness hid her embarrassment.

Gage brushed a hand over his beard then looked up at her. "I'm sorry, but I didn't save myself for marriage."

That was what she'd expected him to say, but the revelation stung just the same. "I kind of assumed you'd say that."

He rested his hands on the tailgate on either side of her and hung his head. "I'm sorry. I wish I hadn't done any of it. I wish I could take it back. I wish it was you."

Tightness strangled her at the sadness in his voice. She hadn't done half the things in her life that Gage had in his, but she knew about regret. It wasn't something she'd wish on anyone .

Resting her hands on both sides of his face, she lifted his head until his gaze met hers.

"I'm sorry." His whispered words were almost carried away by the night wind.

"I believe you, and that's enough for me."

"I'm so sorry, but there's nothing I can do to fix it." He sighed. "I hate this."

She lowered her head until their noses almost touched. "I forgive you."

Gage narrowed his eyes and studied her. "How can you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Just say I'm forgiven like it's done."

"Because I know in my heart when I've forgiven, and when I tell you, I mean it."

"But you're going to resent me."

"For things you did before we even met? For things you did when you were raised in a family who never taught you to value yourself? For things you did before you knew that God intended sex to be shared between married couples? It's in the past, and we're both different now than we were before we met each other. You said you were sorry, and I believe you."

Gage hung his head again. "I'm not sure I deserve your forgiveness for anything."

"That doesn't change my ability to give it to you, though I do wish you'd accept it." She leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. Was it possible that she could be even more drawn to him after their conversation? Knowing they were on the same page and that Gage not only respected but understood her stance only made her appreciate him more.

Gage stepped around her and hoisted himself onto the tailgate. Stepping behind her, he spread out the blankets and pillows before offering her a hand.

Gage lay on his back, and she took the spot beside him. Staring up at the inky-black sky with thousands of stars spread over it, she wrapped the biggest blanket over them and rested her head on his outstretched arm.

This was peace. This was happiness. They'd made it through another relationship level, and they were stronger on the other side.

Gage's chest swelled, and he let out a content sigh. "So, no hanky-panky."

Hadley laughed. "Sorry. No hanky-panky."

"Good. I don't do the hanky-panky," Gage deadpanned.

Her laughter grew, and she playfully swatted his chest. "I'm serious."

"So am I. Hanky-panky doesn't sound like something I would do."

"You're right. It doesn't. I'm glad we're on the same page."

Gage curled the arm behind her head, bringing her closer to him until her head rested on his chest. "We are on the same page. It's not something you need to worry about. It's actually something I've been struggling with since I've been talking to Mr. Chambers."

"Really?"

"Yeah. There are a lot of things I've done that I want to change. I don't want to stay tied to the Howard name. Or at least not the way it is now."

"You and Thea are already changing it," Hadley said. "I'm so proud of both of you. Brett and Jess are doing the same."

"I see that now. I still catch myself saying things I shouldn't. I still get mad when I think about all that went on, but now I'm more angry with myself for not standing up and doing something about it sooner."

Hadley wrapped her arm around his chest and pressed her cheek against his shirt. "Now's as good a time as any."

"I know. It just seems like I still have a lot of work to do to get out of this hole." He turned his head and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Thank you for being patient with me."

Hadley lifted her head and propped herself up on her elbow beside him. "Rome wasn't built in a day."

Gage brushed her hair behind her ear and let his fingers trail down her neck. How long would it take before he saw the good in himself? He was making huge strides, and seeing him determined to change his life for the better only made her love him more .

She sucked in a quick breath. She loved him. The realization was as clear as a sunny day.

Gage cupped her cheek and whispered, "I love you, Hadley."

Had he read her mind? Those same words had been on the tip of her tongue.

"I wanted to tell you earlier that I couldn't imagine not loving you."

"I love you too. I love where we're going. I love your determination. I know I love you, and it scares me a little."

"You're not the only one. I'm scared too. You're working your way into my life, and I'm afraid you won't like what you see if you hang around long enough."

Hadley shook her head slowly. "I don't think that's true. The more time I spend with you, the more I love you. I'm scared because I saw my mom fall apart every time a man broke her heart. She was so broken."

His thumb traced lazy circles over her cheek. "I was reckless before I met you, but you've changed me in the best ways. Now, I hold every second I spend with you like a priceless work of art. It would cost me too much to break you."

"You're not breaking me. You're piecing me back together."

Gage leaned up and kissed her forehead. "Thanks for bringing me out here. The stars are beautiful, but that's not the reason this is the best night of my life."

Hadley's entire body warmed as she tucked herself against Gage's side. Being loved by Gage ignited a hope she'd thought was lost, and now she'd be looking forward to every new day beside him.