Chapter 4

Quin Playlist: Start Over – Imagine dragons

I knew the moment I stood briefly outside of that classroom that it was her. The woman I kissed on New Year’s Eve, as fireworks lit up the sky. The petite, gorgeous, intelligent woman I haven’t stopped thinking about since. I thought she was a tutor, but after seeing her in my biomechanical seminar, I’m not so sure. She was lecturing the nursing class I walked by earlier, but now she’s sat taking notes in my class. This makes my thoughts about her seem wrong. Fuck. She’s upset. I can see that, but I need a chance to explain why I didn’t text her back.

Whether she’ll believe me or not.

She’s even more stunning than I remember. Her dark hair, long and tucked behind her ears. Bangs hanging loosely around her face. I tried to keep it together during the seminar, but every time my eyes found her, I felt her lips on mine again.

And now I’m staring at them. Those fucking delightful lips that were set on mine. The warmth, spice and sweetness of her tongue entwining with mine. She’s somehow left a lasting impression on my barely touched soul. I’ve thought about her when I’ve been alone over the last few weeks. I’ve thought some… inappropriate things. I now have no idea how old she is, and I’m scared to find out. I pulled her away from the door so we could speak before we left the site, but she does not look like she wants to discuss matters right now. I guess I can’t blame her for that. Most would do the same. She moves back from me, which pains me slightly, and she seems to take me in for a moment. I do the same before breaking the silence. “Lista I can explain…” She cuts me short before I can continue.

“Quin, whilst I’d love to chat any other time, I’d rather not do this. I don’t need to hear your excuses, ok? You don’t owe me anything. I’m just a random girl you happened upon. I just need to be home right now so I can pretend today never happened”.

“Please Lista, hear me out” I say tapping her shoulder, almost begging her not to leave. She turns back to me fiercely. I’m slightly nervous I might get my nose broken too if I continue.

“Look Quin, I’m fucking embarrassed and humiliated enough as it is, so please just give me the benefit of the doubt and let me walk away. This is weird enough as it is”.

As she goes to turn away again, I have to just say it, so she knows I’m not a complete douche.

“Lista, I lost my phone. It wasn’t my choice not to message you back” I say desperately hoping she won’t just dismiss me. She turns back around, lips turned into a sarcastic smile and shaking her head lightly.

“Are you serious? You don’t need to make me feel better about ghosting me by making up some stupid excuse now that you’re forced to see me Quin. I get it. I’m fucking used to guys doing this, so spare me the shit”.

“Lista, I swear. Please. I might be a grumpy asshole according to my students, but I’m not a liar. I wouldn’t do that to someone. You can ask Edward. He was there when it happened”.

She places her bag down and sits on the nearest surface, which happens to be my class desk. It’s not the right time, but she looks so good sat there right now. I imagine pulling her legs apart and standing right there in the middle of them, feeling her warmth against me and breathing in her sweet scent.

“Ok. I’m listening. What happened?”. Thankfully she’s letting me explain, whilst also pulling my thoughts back into acceptable territory.

“Edward and I had just made it back home on New Year’s Day. After I replied to your first text, I didn’t want to come across as too eager, so I didn’t plan on texting back straight away. I’m aware that sounds fucking stupid, but I’m not all that experienced at this” I say, sighing. “Before I had the chance to finally message, whilst we were out, we were jumped by a group of guys. We fought as much as we could” I hold the hand with the support strap up “but they ended up with my phone and Edwards wallet. Police are still trying to track them down but no luck as of yet”.

She sighs, closing her eyes.

“So, you didn’t purposely ghost me?” she asks.

“Why would I do that Lista? I wouldn’t have given you my number just to do that.”

“Well, I’m used to shit like this happening with guys so…”

“Look I’m sorry” I say, perhaps more forcefully than I anticipate.

“You know what Quin, It’s ok. If what you’re saying is true then I’ve been beating myself up over nothing, which is annoying but kind of nice. I hope you and Edward are ok by the way” she says kindly but withdrawn.

“What do you mean beating yourself up? I’m the one who fucked up”.

“Well, beating myself up for expecting anything. Blaming myself for…being me . I thought if it were anyone else. Any other beautiful woman who happened to kiss you, that you’d have been in touch. If I didn’t have differences to my body… But it doesn’t matter Quin. Thanks for letting me know. Now we can resume our lives, extremely awkwardly for a while knowing that our paths will continue to cross”.

“Lista, what you’re saying isn’t true. I genuinely wanted to message you more than anything. I spent days gutted that I had no way of contacting you. I never thought I’d see you again–”.

“Until now”. She finishes my sentence.

We gaze at one another in silence for a few seconds before the professor co-lecturing my class earlier suddenly barges in.

“Oh sorry, I just forgot my folder”. I have to make this situation seem normal, so I say the first thing that comes to mind.

“It’s ok. I was just discussing something with this student. We’re leaving now”. I give Lista an apologetic look. She gets up and walks away out the doors as I finish my sentence holding her gaze.

“Thanks Quin”.

“Bye Lista”. She leaves, and I feel like the biggest arsehole.

“So, I see you’ve met Callista. She’s a bright student and associate here with the university. She’s not part of this class but she’s joining us every so often to gain more insight for her research proposal, hence her appearance here today”.

“Right, thanks. I didn’t realise her full name was Callista. Would you be able to send me her email please, so I can become acquainted with her, should she need any information for future sessions”. And maybe so I can message her and apologise even further for being the cause of her sadness.

After previous happenings, I try my best to conceal what we were discussing and act as though what he walked in on was just a student and tutor, talking about... educational stuff, as opposed to the whole kissing and accidental ghosting situation. The latter probably wouldn’t have gone down so well.

“Yes, do you have a pen to hand?” he says.

I write down her email and feel a spark inside knowing I can contact her. I can’t bear to leave it like this between us. I might be withdrawn and supposedly grumpy during my work hours, but I’m not a dick, especially not to someone like Lista. I rub my thumb over the email I have written down, ‘[email protected]’. What a beautiful name.

I head home and instantly set open my laptop. My cat Edison hops onto my lap for a cuddle, but I can’t help the need to send this email as quickly as possible. My mind is spiralling. Trying to convince me that if I wait another minute, the chance will be gone to make further amends with Lista. I do not feel as close to being forgiven as I’d personally like, so this is something I need to do. Whilst manoeuvring my arms around my little fluff ball Edison, who may as well be attached to me upon getting home from work, I manage to write out an email.

To: [email protected] Subject: Please read.

Callista,

It’s Quin Russell. This is my personal email since this is a matter beyond work.

I didn’t want to just leave the way our conversation ended earlier. I got your email from Professor Peters, so I hope you don’t mind me reaching out.

I’m just sorry for everything. What I said was the truth. I may be strict on campus, but in my personal life I’m not a dick. I don’t treat people like they’re disposable. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. It had nothing to do with you, just a shitty situation I couldn’t fix, so I’m sorry you felt so awful. I wish I could do it all over again and not lose the piece of paper you gave me. I hope you can forgive my shitty actions. I’d really appreciate us talking in person again to not leave on such a shit note.

My mum always says, ‘Never leave on an argument’ and my track record is perfect. I can’t break that now.

Best wishes,

Quin Russell

I re-read it about ten times. I even ask Edison what he thinks, but he’s very conveniently fallen asleep in my lap. I click send and hope it’s good enough for Lista. Even the cliché part about my mums saying may have taken it a little too far. Joking after what must be a shitty day for her might not have been my best move. She deserves my sincerest apologies. Hearing her talk about being used to being ghosted and beating herself up about me not messaging her back made me feel fucking angry. I want to fuck over anyone who has made her feel unworthy and understand why. Why has she been treated like this before? Why is she believing herself to be unworthy? And why would she blame herself for letting this happen? She is literally the most gorgeous human I’ve come across, and the way she makes me feel when I’m near her is dangerous. Every day away from her since we kissed feels like a loss. I’ve dreamt about her in obscene ways and today seeing her again resurfaced those tenfold. She may not wanting anything more from me after what’s happened, but I’d rather risk my feelings and make amends than have her feel unworthy.