28. Dawson

Talking was good. Talking was normal and fine. It was a casual thing he did with Olivia every day.

But "We need to talk" referenced a conversation that would probably chew him up and spit him out.

"Um, okay. What do you want to talk about? I've already thought about our couple name. I prefer Olison over Dalivia."

Olivia chuckled, which was a good sign. She still looked happy behind her tired eyes. "It's not necessarily…awful, but it's definitely a serious conversation that impacts our relationship."

"More than this stuff with Anna? Come on, Liv, there can't be that many things standing in our way."

When Olivia didn't outright agree with him, he reached for her, pulling her to rest against his chest where she belonged. "I love you. We can get through anything."

"If we both want to, that is."

Dawson took a step back so he could see her face. "What does that mean? I always want this. I want us. More than anything."

She swallowed hard and nodded. Her easygoing attitude from earlier was gone, replaced by a nervous humming that radiated from her entire body. "I know you do. I do too. But let's go sit on the couch."

She threaded her fingers in his and led him into the living room. This was one of those times when he wanted to dig in his heels and run away from whatever trouble Olivia was about to reveal.

But if it was her problem, then it was his problem now too. They would do everything together from here on out, and what better time to start than right now?

She settled onto the couch with her legs tucked underneath her before she patted the seat beside her.

Not liking the idea of any space between them when they needed to be a united front, Dawson sat beside her, lifting her knees until they rested on top of his thigh.

Olivia took a deep breath and faced him. Red splotches crept up her neck as she swiped her hands down her thigh.

Dawson covered her hand with his. "Let's play a game."

"This isn't a game," she whispered mournfully, as if she'd give anything to participate in something as simple as a game when this revelation was causing her to break out in hives.

"Do you trust me?" he asked.

"Of course I do."

"Then humor me. Let's tell secrets."

Olivia huffed a small breath. The golden flecks in her hazel eyes blended with the brown and green as they turned glassy. "Yeah. I guess that's what we're doing anyway."

Dawson rubbed lazy circles over the back of her hand. If he could convince her that he wasn't worried, maybe she'd calm down too. "One good secret and one that's…not so good. I'll go first."

She rested the side of her head against the back of the couch and grinned, but the expression was somber. "Okay."

"First, I don't know if you know this, but I've been thinking about applying for a job."

That got her attention. She lifted her head and squeezed his hand. "What? What kind of job?"

"Sergeant."

There. He said it. Now, what would she do with it? He'd been kicking the idea around for months, but actually telling someone was bigger than he'd expected.

"Sergeant? Really? That's amazing. It's exciting!"

Her joy lit him up from the inside out. Olivia sure knew how to supercharge his mood. "I've been talking to Chief about it. He thinks I'd be a good fit. I've been studying for the sergeant's exam."

Olivia slid her hand through her hair. Her mouth hung open for a few seconds before she clamped it closed. "I'm so excited for you. That's huge."

"For us." Dawson held up their linked hands. "This is about us. The pay is better. I don't need much, but if it's going to be the two of us, I want you to know I'll always provide for you. That means I intend to make sure you have all the money you need to volunteer and support all of the things you already do and more. I know how much it means to you."

Olivia's head tilted slightly, and a rogue wrinkle dipped between her brows. "You'd get a different job so I could…" She waved her hands in the air because she couldn't think of the words to describe her thoughts.

"So you can give more. I know how much you love it."

"I do, but I would never do more than we could afford. I mean… what are we even talking about? We're not married. Our finances aren't even combined yet."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's not crazy to think about those things. That's where this is headed for me. You have to know I want the long-haul with you. This is the love of a lifetime, Liv. I know what I want, and it's this. You. Us."

Olivia sniffed and pulled her hand from his to wipe her cheek. "Dawson, we need to talk–"

"Wait, please. That was my good secret. Now I have a bad one to tell you."

She ducked her chin but gave him a small nod.

Putting it all on the line was his shot in the dark at making this whole game worth it. He had to prove to Olivia that they could share anything–the good and the bad. He had to show her that some things were tough, but since neither of them were perfect, they had to be a united front and face them together.

"I bumped into my dad a few months ago," Dawson said, hating the way his chest tightened at the mention of the man who'd abandoned him.

Not just him. Jared Keller had disappeared without a trace, leaving Dawson, his mom, and Jeremy to fend for themselves. Hadn't even looked back.

Years of resentment had clawed out a black hole in the deepest, darkest parts of Dawson's heart, and he did a good job of keeping his feelings about the man under wraps.

"Dawson, why didn't you tell me? What did he say? How did it go?"

Now, for the tricky part. The part that he didn't want to confess.

"He asked me to look him up if I was ever in Silver Falls."

Olivia covered her mouth, cutting off a gasp. "He's in Silver Falls? That's not far from here."

"Yeah. I was picking up a part for the Porsche when I ran into him on the sidewalk outside the shop. He has a family there. Apparently, there are more Kellers running around that Mom doesn't know about."

"Would she care? I mean, does she still have feelings for him?"

"Not a chance. He was dead to her as soon as he walked out, but I bet it would still hurt. He didn't want the family he had, but I guess the second time was the charm."

She reached out and grabbed his hand. "Dawson, you have to know it's not your fault. Or your mom's. If he left you, he missed out. You're a great man, and… I can't understand why he left you, but I'm proud of the man you've become."

Dawson twisted his fingers around hers, keeping their bond moving and fluid as the secrets poured out. "We held things together without him. Mom is a rock star, and she made sure we had everything we needed. I don't regret any of that. That's not the bad part."

He looked up at her and prepared for the disappointment he knew was coming. "He wanted to get to know me. He asked for a chance."

Olivia didn't say anything. She just kept her hold on his hand and his heart.

"I told him there wasn't anything in Silver Falls I cared about. Which is a total lie because some of my friends live there, but I wanted him to hurt. I wanted to stick just one knife underneath his armor and twist."

"That's kind of understandable, considering what he put you through," Olivia whispered.

"Yeah, but we both know it wasn't the right thing to do. I know I could have said worse things, but he actually looked hurt. Why do I even care if he's upset? I shouldn't."

"It's because you're a good person."

Dawson groaned. "Are you throwing my own words back at me? What is this about us caring too much about what other people think?"

"Life would be easier if we didn't care," she said.

Dawson leaned in and touched his forehead to hers, breathing her in like new rain on a summer's day. "Whatever you have to say, I care. It matters to me, and you don't have to be nervous."

"Okay," she whispered.

He raised his head but brushed a thumb over her cheek. She was brave. He'd known that for a long time. Would she trust him to stand by her?

"Start with the good," he reminded her.

She looked around as if she were searching the room for the answer, tapping her fingertip against her chin. "A good secret."

"Good luck finding something I don't already know about you."

A soft chuckle reminded him that no matter what good she told him now, something bad that he truly didn't know was waiting to throw their carefully-held peace into chaos.

Olivia shifted in her seat. "Okay. Do you remember when we were little and used to ride bikes at North Park?"

"Yeah, that was only half of our childhood. Mom took us there every Friday after school."

"You and Beau hated that Jeremy and I had to tag along."

Dawson held up a finger. "Not true. I liked it when you were around. Jeremy, on the other hand–"

"Jeremy got you into so much trouble," she finished.

"I got blamed for all kinds of things I didn't even do!"

Olivia rolled her eyes, but a smile played on her lips. "He was just trying to get his big brother's attention."

"He succeeded. I couldn't relax around him my entire childhood."

"But you love him."

"Well, yeah. He's a twerp, but he's family."

"Exactly. Well, back to my secret. I think I was about five when this started. I just remember that I still had training wheels."

"You had training wheels until you were almost eight. You were the worst driver I've ever seen."

That honesty earned him a true laugh. Olivia tilted her head back and let the sound bubble out of her. "I've been told that a time or two."

"Your mom used to tell me and Beau all the time to prepare ourselves because we'd be driving you around for half our lives."

"And she was right. I didn't pass my driver's test until I was almost seventeen."

"But you're a decent driver now."

"I'm better than a decent driver," she said, lifting her chin at his little jab.

"I think I recall pulling you over last month for speeding in a school zone."

Her smile faded, and he watched as the light dimmed in her eyes. "Do you remember when we used to race on our bikes?"

"Yeah."

Olivia lifted Dawson's hand and pressed her palm to his, studying the way his hand engulfed her small one. "I think I've loved you since then–when you used to let me have a head start."

The word love reached out and punched him in the chest. He'd loved Olivia so long she had seeped into his skin and threaded herself into his atoms.

But he'd always assumed she was slower to warm up to the idea. His love had been a constant while hers was a seed that had barely broken ground.

At least, that's what he'd assumed.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"We would line up and you would say ‘go,' but you never started when I did. You let me get ahead."

He remembered that. It wasn't anything he'd made a conscious decision to do, but he'd started holding Beau back to let her have a chance.

"A lot of good it did. Beau always jumped off the starting line and flew past you like a slingshot."

"But that didn't matter. I didn't even realize you were giving me a head start until years later. Do you have any idea how much that meant to me?"

He didn't. He hadn't even thought about it. Now, she'd brought him face-to-face with the memory, and love for the little girl she'd been welled up inside him. As much as he'd love a son to fish and hunt with, having a little girl who looked just like Olivia would absolutely overwhelm him.

She brushed a hair behind her ear before returning her hand to his. "I want you to know that this hasn't been one-sided. I've been terrified of loving you for a long time. It's taking some time to get used to…acting on it."

"I'm not rushing you. If it sounds like I'm moving too fast, just tell me."

Olivia shook her head. "It's not that. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and…it's probably not going to go well. I haven't told you about it. Only a handful of people know."

The extra second it took him to respond jammed in his throat. He didn't want to push her to share something with him that she didn't want to, but knowing others knew things about her that he didn't was like a sucker punch.

"Why wouldn't it go well? Are you sick?" The mere idea of Olivia suffering through something alone made him want to scream.

"Not sick, but it's sort of like that. Remember when Levi was at the farm and I was hurting?"

"Yeah." That was a moment in time he'd rather not relive. Being helpless was the worst, and knowing he couldn't help her then was like having his hands tied behind his back.

"I have endometriosis. It's a condition some women have that can be painful. The gist of it is that sometimes endometrial tissue grows in places it shouldn't."

That didn't make a lot of sense, but he'd be doing his own research as soon as this conversation was over. "Is there a cure? Will it get worse? Will it go away?"

"Well, there's not a clear-cut answer. There isn't a pill that can cure it. It does get worse over time. It could go away, but it would take surgical intervention."

A wave of cold washed over his skin. Surgery could be minor or major. Associating Olivia with that unknown danger turned his stomach. With or without surgery, she'd been living with this pain for a while, and she'd hidden it well.

"The appointment tomorrow is to talk about what type of surgery my doctor thinks I should have."

Dawson's nostrils flared as he tried to suck in enough air to calm his racing heart. "There are different kinds? What's the difference? Do these doctors know what they're doing?"

Olivia laughed quick and sharp. "Yeah, I think they know what they're doing. You can breathe. They're not really dangerous surgeries."

"Sorry. I'm panicking a little." That was an understatement. He was freaking out on the inside. Completely losing his cool. "Can you break it down in simple terms for me? What would these surgeries do?"

"The minor option is a procedure I've done before. They basically scrape out a lot of the tissue that's not where it's supposed to be. Cleaning things out. It could come back, like it has before."

She'd done this before? How had he not known?

"I kept it a secret. Stop overthinking it."

"I'm definitely overthinking it. I see you all the time."

"It was years ago."

"Still, I would have noticed."

"I told everyone I was sick. I rested and recovered quickly. I mentioned that it's pretty minor."

Dawson rubbed the back of his neck, feeling the sticky clamminess of his skin. "I can't believe I didn't notice. I could have been there for you. I could have–"

"I didn't want anyone to know. It's kind of a personal thing. No woman wants to explain to her neighbors and friends that she has a disease that's particular to the female reproductive system."

Dawson scanned back through their years together. When and how had she completely hidden this from him and everyone else?

"The other option is a form of a hysterectomy. It's a common surgery, but…" She shrugged and looked down at their linked hands. "But that means I can't have kids."

Dawson stared at her, waiting for some other information that would erase what she'd just said.

Olivia wouldn't be able to have kids.

He couldn't breathe–couldn't move. Everything in the room blurred except for Olivia's face as he focused on her.

Of all the things she could have told him, this was completely unexpected. He wanted kids. He knew she wanted kids. The magnitude of what she was dealing with choked him like unrelenting hands around his neck.

A sob broke from Olivia's chest. She pressed a hand to her mouth as her shoulders shook.

Dawson scooped her up in his arms and moved her to his lap. Her head pressed against his shoulder as she cried. A gut-wrenching cry that split him open.

He wrapped his arms around her, shielding her from the reality closing in around them.

"Can I go with you? Tomorrow?" he asked.

Olivia didn't answer. She wailed and cried until her frame rested limp against him.

When her tears slowed, he asked again. "Can I go with you?"

"I don't know." She wiped at her nose with her sleeve. "I–I don't know what this means for us. I know you want…" She sucked in a shaky breath. "I know you want kids."

"I know you want kids too, but if that isn't in the cards for us, then it isn't."

"How can you say that?" she asked with a wail. "This is a huge deal. If we get further into this and you decide you want kids, it'll just be harder for both of us."

Dawson leaned to the side and lifted her chin with a finger. "Olivia, I'm so far into this there's no going back. This is a shock, but I already told you there's nothing we can't get through together."

She heaved a fractured breath. "Just because this is my fate doesn't mean it has to be yours. You'd make a great dad, and I can't…"

"If you're not going to be a mom, then I'm not going to be a dad. It's that simple, Liv. There are other ways. We could foster or adopt. Maybe you only need the other surgery."

She shook her head. "The other surgery leaves behind a lot of internal scarring. Even if I don't have the hysterectomy, it could still be hard for me to get pregnant."

He pulled her to him and breathed in the soft, comforting scent of her hair. With his eyes closed, the scent tingled in his nose and calmed his roaring thoughts enough to let him think.

Lord, I need You. I need words and wisdom, but Olivia needs strength, peace, and healing. I need understanding, but I bring it all to You. I know You have a plan, and I bow to it. Whatever the outcome, give us the strength to endure it.

Olivia's arms tightened around him. "Thank you," she said shakily.

He hadn't realized he was praying out loud, but he didn't want to keep anything from Olivia. If he was praying, she had a right to hear it.

"Liv, whatever happens, I'll be right here. I love you just as you are, and you won't ever be alone. This doesn't change anything."

"You'll resent me. If you can't have kids, you'll–"

"I won't. You have to trust me on this. I know you think you know how I'll feel, but you don't. You have no idea how devoted I am to you. I fell in love with you. Everything else flows from that."

Dawson nudged his nose against hers and she looked up at him. Her eyes were swollen and pink with red splotches down her cheeks.

"Can I go with you tomorrow?"

"Why do you want to go? It's just a consultation."

"Because I'm worried sick about you, and I want to be there for you. I said you'll never have to do anything alone, and I meant it."

Olivia sniffed and wiped at her face. "You have to work tomorrow."

"That's the least of my worries. My queen needs me, and you better believe I know where to line up."

Olivia nodded, squeezing her eyes closed.

"Do you believe me?" Dawson asked.

She nodded again.

"I'm gonna need a verbal confirmation. Try ‘Yes, Dawson. I know you're in this for the long haul, no matter what, cross my heart, no take-backsies, one hundred percent.'"

Her laugh was hoarse, but the sound had his aching heart lifting like a hot air balloon.

That understanding and peace he'd prayed for settled in, and Olivia's tears dried. The appointment would come with its own uncertainties, but tonight, he'd love her like there was no tomorrow.