March 10

My brother and I were always competitive with each other as kids, from Monopoly to school report cards. He was great at everything, and it was all so easy. Or at least it seemed that way to me, a kid who lagged behind him every step of the way. He had tons of friends, he was smart, athletic, funny, he was perfect. King Midas. No matter what I did, I couldn’t capture a piece of that gold, and at some point, I stopped trying to.

It was self-actualization for me, but I think to other people, maybe it appeared to be laziness. It wasn’t. It was self-preservation. There was no way to live up to Ray, so I needed to do my own thing. That meant giving up the competition. There was no way to win anyway.

But now, after Ray’s death, I’m back in competition with him. I’m fighting to keep my family together, fighting for my parents to recognize what I’m doing and that I’m still here. I’m trying my best, but it’s not good enough. Again.

I’m walking the tightrope, straining to keep balance of my life. I’m doing it all. I’m doing the hard part. Meanwhile, all Ray did was die. He got the easy part, and he’s still winning.

My brother died, and all I got was this jar of Nutella.

#Grief #GriefFood #RaymondStGeorge #NutellaNut #FueledByRageAndNutella