11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Martin

A few days later, I wake to an empty bed, the sheets still warm from Jesse's body. The sound of his suitcase wheels rolling across the hardwood floor echoes through the house. I pad out to the kitchen, rubbing sleep from my eyes.

"Heading out already?" I ask, my voice still rough with sleep.

Jesse looks up, a soft smile spreading across his face. "Yeah, early flight. Didn't want to wake you."

I lean against the doorframe, drinking in the sight of him. "You know I don't mind."

He crosses the room, pulling me into a tight embrace. I breathe in his scent, committing it to memory.

"I'll be back before you know it," he murmurs against my hair.

I nod, not trusting my voice. As he pulls away, I feel a familiar ache in my chest. It's been years since I've felt this way about anyone.

"Safe travels," I manage to say as he heads for the door.

"I'll talk to you later," he says warmly as he heads out.

I spend the rest of the day feeling unsettled, and I don't like it one bit. There's no reason I should be feeling so out of sorts just because I'm on my own for a few days. For god's sake, I've been on my own for more than twenty years.

But of course, I know that's not the real reason for my off mood. I miss Jesse. The thought sends a jolt of surprise through me. It's absolutely ridiculous. We've been spending so much time together since our weekend at Disneyland, and now, I find myself relying on having him around like I haven't done since Richard. The warmth of his laughter, the way his eyes light up when he talks about things he's passionate about, like the shelter project, even the simple way he moves through a room—it's all become a part of my daily rhythm.

Uncertainty gnaws at me, a persistent itch I can't scratch. A strange sense of dread hangs over me, making me restless. The day drags, and I can't help but wonder how I arrived here. After spending so many years being so very careful to protect my heart, somehow Jesse has woven himself into the fabric of my life in only a few weeks. As I stare out the window, I grapple with a truth that's both terrifying and exhilarating—I have feelings for Jesse that go far beyond what I intended.

Early in the evening I'm standing in the kitchen, trying to decide what to make myself for dinner, when my phone rings. A smile spreads across my face when I see Jesse's name on the screen.

"Hey there, handsome. How's San Francisco treating you?"

"It's good to hear your voice." The warmth in his tone makes my heart skip a beat. "The city's the same as always. Foggy and full of hipsters."

I chuckle, leaning against the counter. "Interesting. How did your day go?"

"It went well, actually. Jeff and I got a lot of prep work done." He pauses, and I can sense something's off.

"What's wrong? You sound tense."

Jesse sighs heavily. "Andrew contacted me."

My stomach drops. "Oh?" I try to keep my voice neutral, but a knot of anxiety forms in my chest.

"Yeah. He… he wants to meet me for dinner tomorrow night after Jeff and I are done with our meeting."

I close my eyes, willing myself to stay calm. "I see. And how do you feel about that?"

He sighs, heavily. "Honestly? I'm not sure. Part of me wants to tell him he needs to fuck right off, but…" He trails off.

"But another part of you needs closure," I finish for him.

"Yeah. I think I might go. Is that… Do you think I should see him?"

The question hangs in the air between us. I want to say no, to beg him not to see Andrew. But that's not fair. "It's not really for me to say, Jesse. You need to do what's right for you."

"I know. But I just… I wanted you to know. To be honest with you."

"Thank you," I say. I can handle this. I trust Jesse. Absolutely, I do. It's just that… he was so broken up about the end of his marriage. What if he sees this as a chance to fix everything and get his life back on track?

"Any idea what he wants to talk about?" I ask, not sure if I want the answer.

"No," Jesse sighs noisily. "Who the fuck knows with him."

"Hmm. I wonder what it could be?" I muse. "Maybe he has to tell you that his pecker got chopped off in a tragic lawnmower accident."

Jesse gasps in shock before bursting into laughter, a sound that makes me light up. "Maybe that's it."

I snort a laugh. "Or maybe he has to let you know the airline's transferred him to Antarctica."

Jesse chuckles. "Or maybe he's been demoted to baggage handler, and now he's asking for alimony."

My next words spill out before I can stop them. "Maybe his girlfriend kicked him to the curb and he's going to beg you to take him back." Dammit. I hold my breath, waiting for his reaction.

He snorts. "Maybe he's shit out of luck on that one."

I understand what he's getting at, but for some reason my mind fixates on the word "maybe". Maybe he's shit out of luck… Or maybe he isn't? Jesus fecking Christ, could I be a more pathetic twat?

"Yeah, what?" Jesse says in a muffled voice, and I realize someone's in the background talking to him. My stomach clenches unpleasantly, until I remember he's staying at his brother's house, and their three college-age kids are home for the summer. I know he loves spending time with them, so I decide to end our conversation so he can get back to his family. And before I say something stupid that makes me look like an insecure fool.

"Listen, love, it sounds like you're busy there. I should let you go. But you have a good night," I say, injecting as much warmth into my voice as I can. "And good luck with the meeting with the Governor tomorrow. You and Jeff will do a bang up job, I'm certain."

"Thank you, Martin." I can hear the smile in his voice. "I, um.. I miss you. Sleep well."

My heart warms, and I tell myself I'm being truly ridiculous to worry. Jesse cares for me. He makes it obvious in every one of our interactions.

"I'm glad you called, Jesse. You sleep well also. We'll talk tomorrow, yeah?"

"Absolutely. Good night."

After ending the call, I stare at the phone in my hand, a mix of emotions swirling inside me. Fear, jealousy, and an overwhelming sense of helplessness.

I know Jesse needs to face his past, but I can't shake the worry that Andrew might be trying to worm his way back into Jesse's life. And where does that leave me?

Later that night, I toss and turn in bed, the sheets tangled around my legs. I think back to that night we'd both had trouble sleeping and we bumped into each other in the kitchen. That moment where we almost kissed drove me crazy. I'd had to jerk off as soon as I got beck to my bed, even though he'd gone running out of the kitchen like his ass was on fire.

I keep replaying our conversation tonight about Andrew. My stupid imagination conjures up images of them sitting across from each other at some fancy San Francisco restaurant, reconnecting over a bottle of wine.

What if Andrew apologizes? What if he's changed?

I know Jesse. He's forgiving to a fault. He simply doesn't hold grudges, it's kind of amazing. That's one of the things I lo— No. Don't even think that word.

But it's true. Jesse's capacity for forgiveness is beautiful. And terrifying.

My chest tightens as I imagine Jesse listening to Andrew's excuses, his warm brown eyes softening with understanding. Because that's who Jesse is. He sees the best in people, even when they don't deserve it.

I roll onto my back, staring at the ceiling. The room feels big and empty without Jesse here. I've grown used to his presence, his steady breathing beside me at night.

This, right here, is the reason I've been so damn careful to keep my sex life to impersonal hookups only. Because these feelings, these fears crowding my mind right now are acutely painful. Worse than the occasional bout of loneliness. I fucking hate it.

What if I lose him?

The thought hits me like a physical blow. I've been here before. The sickening, creeping fear settling into my bones is familiar, even though it's been so long since I've felt it. When Richard was first diagnosed the fear that filled me back then is eerily similar to what I feel now.

My god, I'm going to be all alone . Again .

I've spent more than half my life alone, and just as long telling myself I'm perfectly okay with it.

And now, the second I decide to even think about letting my walls down, the second I allow myself to dream, even for a moment, of a life where I'm not a lone wolf, out here in the world with no one, it gets ripped away.

Richard's loss still aches, a wound that's never fully healed. And if I lose Jesse now… I'm not sure I'll be able to put myself back together again.

I squeeze my eyes shut, willing the thoughts away. I 'm overreacting. I'm being ridiculous. I know it's true. I'm being silly. But the thoughts won't stop.

What if Jesse decides he made a mistake with me? What if Andrew is his true love, and I'm just… a placeholder?

The fear wraps around me like a cold, damp blanket. I've allowed myself to get too comfortable, too hopeful.

I should have known better.